February 19, 2010

Who was that woman sitting in front row center who would not look at Tiger Woods as he made his apology?

Oh! He hugged her. It was his mother!

I'm waiting for the full transcript, because I'm in the mood to pick it apart, especially the material about Buddhism, which, he said, is the religion he was raised in, which teaches not to pursue desire, and which he drifted away from. Indeed! So he wants to get back to Buddhism — he said, as his mother looked down into her folded hands in her lap and then off to the side. He wants to return to Buddhism, but he's going back to therapy. Why not to a Buddhist retreat, if Buddhism is the answer? Or was he just throwing things at us that he thought might work to make us love him again? Buddhism, therapy, leave my children alone...

Deep down, what does he really believe? If I were writing a fictionalized version of his story, I'd have him believe that he is the greatest golfer of all time and that this grand stature authorizes him to do what fits his fabulous mind and body. People get to see the manifestation of that mind and body on the golf course and in those idealized advertisements, but outside of that he must do what has worked, and that means having the anchor of a beautiful family and the whole range of intense sexuality that belongs to him — because he is what he is. Now, he's been called to account by conventional minds and all those people who make money through him — the PGA, the sports networks, advertisers — and they are dragging him down to their mundane morality with no concern for what it took to build the superior mind and body that is Tiger Woods. He is cornered and contemptuous, but he must abase himself for these little people and act as though he agrees. The outrage!

IN THE COMMENTS: dbp quotes the linked CNN article — "'I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you,' said the golfer, dressed in a blue button-down shirt and a blazer" — and says:
Can we take a closer look at his shirt? The resolution of the video was not high enough for me to detect button holes on Mr. Woods collar, but I could easily see that it wasn't buttoned down . What does this mean? He wears a button down shirt but leaves it flapping in the breeze — maybe his emotions are making him miss details. I think he should stay off the links for a while more.

Either that, or the reporter was mistaken about the type of shirt.
What does it mean? It means you can't trust CNN to report even the plain facts that are visible on screen to us here at home.

UPDATE: I go through the transcript here.

44 comments:

Richard Dolan said...

"If I were writing a fictionalized version of his story, ..."

Would it end up more like Updike or Roth? They're the writers that come to mind, and they've already written several versions of this story already.

former law student said...

Tiger made his parents proud of him, and now he made his mother ashamed of him. The mother who raised him, and raised him in her faith. A public abasement is a start on the road back.

Triangle Man said...

Going to a Buddhist retreat instead of therapy is like adding more vegetables to your diet instead of chemotherapy after you've got a cancer diagnosis. Too little too late.

jimbino said...

Rather than taking up Buddhism again, he ought to take up being single again. Women need to be enjoyed; that's why Al Gore invented the Single Man.

David said...

I vote for Roth, having just finished "Exit Ghost." Tiger the narrator as an old man who can't get it up, lamenting all those lost opportunities, a sun wrinkled Elin wheezing in the parlor, his rich ingrate children embarked on a life of wild sex that he gave away for money and respectability.

Trooper York said...

Has anyone actually seen his birth certificate?

Lem said...

I'm Dr. Tiger Woods!

Invisible Man said...

Looks like Tiger threw down the guantlet!

Your move Britt Hume.

Trooper York said...

If Mort were awake he would say this is racist.

Almost Ali said...

Tiger Lama? In robe and sandals? Golf courses in the Himalayas?

Flexo said...

In this penitential time of Lent, having just read the transcript, it strikes me as a sincere confession and act of contrition.

It would, as Brit Hume alluded to, be easier for him if he were Christian, since at the heart of Christianity is redemption from sin, but if Buddhism gets him back to the straight path, if it "restores the cosmic order," then that is a step in the right direction.

Peter V. Bella said...

Booze, drugs, broads, big money, fame-
Make a good book.

Somehow everyone, especially the media and the PGA are glossing over the allegations of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and the use of performance enhancing drugs.

They got one days reporting and that was it. Then it was sex, whores, madams and how much their stories were selling for.

The guy is a bum!

KLDAVIS said...

"Would it end up more like Updike or Roth?"

It sounds more like Rand.

I don't think Tiger needs to do all this. Unless he thinks it's going to help save his marriage/family, and that's something he wants.

He should just go back to golf instead of listening to people telling him that he has to do this to be acceptable to the public again. I don't think that's true.

In the past two days I've heard two very strong women (my boss and my wife - one quite liberal, the other other quite conservative) tell me the exact same thing. Tiger Woods' conduct was terrible, and it's a terrible thing for his family to go through, but he doesn't owe the public anything. It's none of our business. They both are more upset with the media than with Tiger.

Scott M said...

FLS said...

Tiger made his parents proud of him, and now he made his mother ashamed of him.

...and his father proud of him...all those white women... The scene from Undercover Brother occurs to me. Hysterical.

Hoosier Daddy said...

I loved his line about rehab. Rehab for sex? WTF is that? Get dirty thoughts and they slam in the door jamb? It's nothing more than a secular version of doing penance that costs a lot of money.

Have a string of ladies when single and you're just a player. Have a string of ladies when you're married and you're an addict that needs rehab. What a crock.

Mr. Buford said...

So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama Woods - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga.

So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama Woods, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, here is my little black book of all the girls I loved before." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

traditionalguy said...

All the world's a play, but we are not given admission to the Tiger's home scenes. I really liked your intriguing idea for a screenplay, Professor. Copywrite it quick, before Quentin Tarantino makes it into Kill Phil-vol 3. as a movie about how Tiger acts when facing Mickelsen at the Masters. The tragedy will be that the fates having denied Tiger his 10 Buddhist Orgasms to blank out his mind will destroy him by anger when he throws Phil into Rays Creek for making a snide remark about Tiger's gorgeous new slut caddy.

dbp said...

Just once, I would love to hear a celebrity just be honest: Here is what it might sound like.

"I would like to apologise, not for (insert scandal here: drugs, prostitutes, gambling etc.)I loved every minute of it and would do it again if I could get away with it. But rather for lack of judgement in thinking I wouldn't get caught."

Trooper York said...

I don't think his mother was too upset about his philandering.

She was just distraught that he was confirming the stereotype that half-asian people can't drive.

Hoosier Daddy said...

Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga.

LOL!

Methadras said...

I told you all that this would be the best thing to ever happen to Tiger Woods and to golf. His wife is going to stand by him as he rebuilds his trust to her and his family. Man, this is an awesome narrative to be framed. And he doesn't have to fly into any of the buildings of the sponsers who rejected him because they will resign him once he's 'cured'.

dbp said...

"I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you," said the golfer, dressed in a blue button-down shirt and a blazer. "For all that I have done, I am so sorry..."

Can we take a closer look at his shirt? The resolution of the video was not high enough for me to detect button holes on Mr. Woods collar, but I could easily see that it wasn't buttoned down . What does this mean? He wears a button down shirt but leaves it flapping in the breeze--maybe his emotions are making him miss details. I think he should stay off the links for a while more.

Either that, or the reporter was mistaken about the type of shirt.

Julius Ray Hoffman said...

This is Tiger Woods having his Jesus moment. Is he a God, to whom the rules and traditions of the mortal world do not apply? Or is he a human who must abide by them? Or, if he is both, how does he resolve himself then?

Michael said...

Or, as Johnny Cash asked, did you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head.

Robert Holmgren said...

I spent about 30 minutes with Tiger Woods when he was a Stanford student and thought him to be unusually cocky (sorry). Money didn't make Tiger feel entitled--his upbringing did.

Cabbage said...

Now, he's been called to account by conventional minds and all those people who make money through him — the PGA, the sports networks, advertisers — and they are dragging him down to their mundane morality with no concern for what it took to build the superior mind and body that is Tiger Woods.

Also sprach Tiger.

traditionalguy said...

We need a discussion of the Greek theory of hubris attracting the downfall of a great man. Tiger had reached the heights...he was a near god in the golf world. Yet something very mortal brought him down. Will he be able to humble himself and still play at the level that the arrogant Tiger was playing at, swinging dick and all? This is fascinating stuff. There is more to come.

kentuckyliz said...

Hey everybody, I'm here to tell you, when you're as hot as I am, and rich as I am, and a giant sports name like I am, you have your pick of hotties.

Why bother pursuing all this, if not for infinite poontang?

And to Elin--listen bitch, there's a whole line of white girls lined up to take your place. If you're not with me, you're against me. You thought I was going to be true like some 50s teen angel love song? You can be #1 if you want to stay in my world...or you can call out "Next!" as you walk away. Don't let the door hit your ass.

To my critics: I smell your envy. I am the Alpha of the Alpha males.

To the PGA: what happened to your ratings without me? Before me? After I'm gone? Yeah, thought so.

So, in conclusion, all y'all can kiss my lean Caublasian ass!

Trooper York said...

Well what happened was that his caddy was standing behind him holding the laurel leaves over his head and whispering "I bet you can bang that chick."

Alex said...

Tiger is 5 orgies away from suicide.

Hoosier Daddy said...

Well what happened was that his caddy was standing behind him holding the laurel leaves over his head and whispering "I bet you can bang that chick."

Heh...damn Trooper that was good!

Julius Ray Hoffman said...

@kentuckyliz-

Life is more than Roissy & Friends make it out to be. To think that all achievement is a quest for poontang is to take a very myopic, although perhaps popular, view of the world. Eventually God and Death will catch up with you.

Scott M said...

Tiger is 5 orgies away from suicide.

Yeah, but Elin is one ironclad alibi away from being room temperature.

littlebeartoe said...

Many people, especially west of the Mississippi, think a "button-down shirt" is one that buttons down the front-- not a pullover, in other words. The more traditional application to the collar treatment is slowly becoming an anachromism, and rightly so, because it's confusing.

Smilin' Jack said...

I'm waiting for the full transcript, because I'm in the mood to pick it apart, especially the material about Buddhism, which, he said, is the religion he was raised in blah blah blah....

Yes, I'm sure we will discover many interesting and profound philosophical insights by carefully analyzing the statements of a guy who's really good at knocking little balls into little holes.

traditionalguy said...

@ Smilin Jack...None of the hareem reported that Tiger had small balls.

lohwoman said...

Bob Newhart was born on the right side of the Mississippi and would know a button-down mind when he saw one. As someone on the wrong side of the river, I think most people realize a shirt buttons up the front unless you say otherwise, T, Polo, etc.

Jon said...

Althouse said: If I were writing a fictionalized version of his story, I'd have him believe that he is the greatest golfer of all time and that this grand stature authorizes him to do what fits his fabulous mind and body.

Is this based on a belief that real-life Eldrick, aka Tiger, has a "fabulous mind and body?" Because I'm not aware of any evidence he possesses either of those characteristics- and I don't think that being good at golf requires them.

k*thy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tibore said...

Bloody, freakin'... GAH! Enough with the Tiger Woods sensationalism already, news world!! Adultry is wrong, yes, but for cryin' out loud, did you cover things this minutely when Majic Johnson was forced to admit his affairs when he outed his HIV diagnosis? And as much news as Michael Jordan occupied when his infidelities came to light, I don't remember them getting this much coverage.

Enough already, CNN, ESPN, everybody else. Enough. We already freakin' know what happened. And why the hell is Tiger apologizing publicly anyway? The injury was to his wife, not to his viewing public!

The Crack Emcee said...

Kentuckyliz is all about The Macho Response.

knox said...

my lean Caublasian ass

kentuckyliz is all about cracking me up!

amba said...

I think you're making Tiger's inner monolog much too artistic and bohemian -- more like Picasso's. I'm an artist, I'm above petty morality, I need what I need to fuel my creativity, I am entitled by the strain of creation and the pricelessness of its product. (I wonder whether artists even consciously think that, or whether it's what those who revere them imagine they think.)

Methadras said...

kentuckyliz said...

Hey everybody, I'm here to tell you, when you're as hot as I am, and rich as I am, and a giant sports name like I am, you have your pick of hotties.

Why bother pursuing all this, if not for infinite poontang?

And to Elin--listen bitch, there's a whole line of white girls lined up to take your place. If you're not with me, you're against me. You thought I was going to be true like some 50s teen angel love song? You can be #1 if you want to stay in my world...or you can call out "Next!" as you walk away. Don't let the door hit your ass.

To my critics: I smell your envy. I am the Alpha of the Alpha males.

To the PGA: what happened to your ratings without me? Before me? After I'm gone? Yeah, thought so.

So, in conclusion, all y'all can kiss my lean (due to my HGH intake) Caublasian ass!


Corrected for more truthiness.