August 21, 2009

"Hip, cool and heathy" — it's Feline Wellness magazine.

And, no, it is not a satire:

DSC03656

We really are meant to take "The healing power of CATNIP" and "Feng Shui and Felines" seriously. And just ask your cat what title he'd like for an article about how he is shitting all over the house. I think it would be: "Outside the box."

ADDED: As you may notice — at the very bottom — this was at Whole Foods. It was, once again, teeming with people — all Republicans? In Madison? Well, I didn't see any Obama bumper stickers. I saw one "IMPEACH" sticker. So, I guess it's here. The Impeach Obama movement. But why? What grounds? Ineffectiveness isn't grounds. Claiming to be — or inadequate performance as — "God's partner"? Posing as a natural-born citizen? Who knows? I didn't get a chance to chat with the sticker sticker.

59 comments:

EK said...

What are the odds that the "Impeach" sticker you saw was a Bush-era relic? People do hang on to their bumper stickers sometimes. To this day, I still see 2004 Kerry-Edwards stickers around on occasion.

Jennifer said...

Awesome. I got a Health magazine in the mail yesterday with the teaser "Is it just cramps...OR CANCER?" and couldn't stop laughing. This is better.

Synova said...

I was going to say... you know, some people aren't going to hear the sarcasm there. ;-)

aliazess?

Penny said...

"Cats are cooler than ever and Feline Wellness reaches out to the people who love them with a hip, helpful approach that readers love. Our target audience is enthusiastic, interested and empowered so they're open to products that will help their felines live longer, healthier lives."

The above from their website.

I love my furry friends, but their "hip" and "empowered" owners? Hm..

Donna B. said...

That cat looks mean.

Methadras said...

i always associate cats with liberals because cats are like the fair-weather friends of the domesticated animal world. They are like your typical liberal too, "hey, take care of my needs and when they are met, fuck you anyway, you big sap." Whereas I associate dogs with conservatives, a brave, unyielding, unconditionally loving creature that simply wants to be by your side always be a constant companion through thick and thin. Now the snooty, uppity whole foods effete douche bags can finally find validation in a magazine like this that will simply affirm what humongous, pretentious pricks they are and their little cats too.

OldGrouchy Doug Wright said...

That cat looks mean because he's not fully appreciated and pampered with the utmost respect! Cats are kind, loving, loyal, and generous with their time and affection as long as their subjects properly adore them.

Is that the reason Obama doesn't have a WH cat, no respect for the true rulers of the universe? Instead, Obama has a sycophant puppy!

wv: denangsl, kids say the funniest things!

MadisonMan said...

Methadras, I have a dog and a cat. What does that make me?

Beta Conservative said...

I don't have any cats now,but when I did they were far more likely to be "wee-weed up" than hip, cool, or healthy.

I am now reliably in the dog camp.

wv: hanaph: sound my cat would make just before puking up large hair ball in front of my guests.

rhhardin said...

Adopt Pinky.

Meade said...

But, EK, I looked around and all I saw were conservative Republican shoppers.

Or maybe you haven't heard -- Democrats and lefties and Bush-haters are all on boycott, teaching a lesson to that financial frauding human rights abusing environmentally negligent corporate giant, Whole Foods.

Meade said...

"Democrats and lefties and Bush-haters" all named Pinky.

Cedarford said...

Hitting the childless, unmarried "cat lady" demographic niche.

There are millions of these ladies and they have lots of dosposable income for their "babies", and live a long time feeding and spending on their cats.

It's actually shocking that "Feline Wellness" did not arise decades earlier to lead vendors and advertisers to this sweet money source.

Meade said...

Obviously, Pinky nearly has Whole Foods by the balls.

Methadras said...

MadisonMan said...

Methadras, I have a dog and a cat. What does that make me?


Tolerant of the cat.

Penny said...

Liberals sure love to hate big business. It always makes me wonder how they are saving for their retirement? If they work for a company, or even the government, do they know that their retirement money is tied to the success of MANY large corporations?

Inside the Philosophy Factory said...

As someone who is cat owned -- the only reason I'd buy the magazine is for the article on what is toxic to cats.

One of my cats had a brush with a white lily over the weekend (didn't eat it.. just nosed around a bit) -- which caused her to get sick. I thought her behavior was odd and a quick internet search made us head to the emergency vet. My own vet said she would have been too far gone if we'd waited until his office opened on Monday...

The whole episode will be about $1,000 -- If I'd realized how toxic they were, the price of the magazine would have been a great investment.

ricpic said...

The Zen Of Cats

Cats don't rebel, they don't give a damn;
Still for long spells cats am what they am.

MadisonMan said...

One of my favorite poems:

THE FOG comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on.

Bravo Carl Sandburg.

Dogwood said...

The whole episode will be about $1,000

On a cat!?

Dayem.

Dad Bones said...

I've hollowed out corncobs, stuffed them with fresh pungent catnip and given them to people with house cats. It turns pampered indoor cats into wild animals, at least in their little cat minds. I don't know if it's healing but it's entertaining.

Shanna said...

i always associate cats with liberals because cats are like the fair-weather friends of the domesticated animal world. ... Whereas I associate dogs with conservatives, a brave, unyielding, unconditionally loving creature that simply wants to be by your side always be a constant companion through thick and thin

See, I was just thinking the other day that cats are the libertarian because they are independent, whereas dogs are the more collectivist pack animals.

I totally want to read the "cramps or cancer" article. It would probably give me major first year med student syndrome.

CarmelaMotto said...

Jennifer - that is so funny. Thanks for the laugh. It's like the teasers for the news, "Do hiccups cause cancer? Find out at 11!"

That old pinky video makes me sad. I always feel bad for panicked animals. :(

Alex said...

I'm still waiting for the Whole Foods parking lot to empty out. Those damn liberals just don't know how to do boycotts!

PatCA said...

I guess they won't have any Tips for Bird Stalkers, so my cat is not interested.

traditionalguy said...

What, there is no article on paliative care for the Bommer cats selfishly sucking up all of the scarce veternarian's resources? We need a discussion of what to do after 8 lives are gone and the cat still expects to land on its feet.

Dust Bunny Queen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
class-factotum said...

The whole episode will be about $1,000

That much money and my cat gets a cigarette and a blindfold instead.

Trevor Jackson said...

"Posing as a natural-born citizen?"

Speaking of catnip . . .

The Crack Emcee said...

"The healing power of CATNIP and Feng Shui and Felines"?

That's a fucking NewAge magazine.

Not a cat magazine. Not a women's magazine. Not a health magazine. It's a NewAge magazine - the cat shit is just the hook.

Incredible. How in the world can ALL OF YOU miss that? It's no wonder these idiots have become as powerful as they have when so many, supposedly smart, people are so indoctrinated in it they can't even see the obvious ("healing" and "Feng Shui") because they're so focused on A) what it means to be "progressive", pro or con, and B) feeling smugly superior. BUT THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU:

NewAge's greatest weapon is so few taking them seriously.

Just a flakey magazine? Fuck you. If it's so flakey, why's it selling in Whole Foods? Aren't they *real particular* about what they offer their patrons? Do you EVER ask yourselves WHY they're selling this stuff? Right there next to the "water is medicine" (homeopathy) stuff?

This is the very ideology I say is destroying this nation - and the Western World - and you guys pay BIG BUCKS supporting it, to (as Ann says) indulge yourselves - but in what? Feeling superior is definitely part of it, but to who? And why? As I always say, "It's all part of a whole, people!" There isn't one idea in Whole Foods that wasn't, in some way, supported by the Nazis, but there you are, reveling in it.

You guys kill me with this shit - and your vastly superior ignorance.

The Macho Response

Beth said...

So, CE - I take it you're boycotting Whole Foods?

Trevor Jackson said...

CE's convinced me. Cat Fancy = National Socialism's Agitprop. The next time my Co-op wants to sponsor some event, I'll know what's really going on:

Kristallnacht.

Thanks, CE!

rhhardin said...

Cave man feng shui deals with dust bunnies.

bearbee said...

That old pinky video makes me sad. I always feel bad for panicked animals. :(

I'm with you. Had to turn it off.

I guess they won't have any Tips for Bird Stalkers, so my cat is not interested.

How 'bout Her Inner Hunter?

Canadian publication.

WV - sofsay: How to properly communicate with cats.

The Crack Emcee said...

Beth,

I'm not "boycotting" Whole Foods - I don't (and wouldn't) give them my money anyway. I'd never be a political "progressive", I've never been a NewAger. I don't engage in the personal mindfuck of pretending I'm "spiritual", and (except in extreme situations, like emergencies) I'm too practical to pay for over-priced goods. And I'd NEVER give my money to anyplace that sells "homeopathic" anything (talk about an obvious sign they're either corrupt or crazy!) while Whole Foods has an entire section dedicated to such nonsense and people still act like they're their friends, or something, because (as Ann says) they provide them with a "posh" environment to exploit them in.

Trevor (Great preppy name, BTW - totally Whole Foods all the way),

You think you're so smart, when, really, you're so fucking twee it hurts. Oh well, I guess the first lemming thinks he's the most brilliant, too, because he's at the head of the line. Let's see, my word not good enough for you? As insulting as that is (because it's always given in good faith) that's fine. I don't expect more from idiots because, without your smug rejoinders, there'd be no need for the word "idiots", right? How about Jonah Goldberg? Pretty smart guy, huh? Chris Locke? Friend of mine. Got rich writing The Cluetrain Manifesto. He's now writing a book called "Mystic Bourgeoisie" about - wait for it - the relationships between NewAge and Naziism. He's got a Whole Website™ about it. You really should check it out. It might wipe that silly look off your face. It's the same look he once had before he noticed, "'Oh,...It's some kind of movement.'"

Dude, I'm smarter than you on my worst day - and this one ain't going so good.

traditionalguy said...

Crack...Whole Foods is a grocery store with no ideological food section. Freshness or organic standards about no pestacides and no growth hormones is an idea that sells food, not mind control beyond cancer scares that may be valid or not. Food is part of life. New age cults are a part of death and destruction. But don't throw out the whole food with the cult water, or you become "legalistic" like heresy hunters in a religion that oppose Christmas trees for pagan origins. Not every idea comes from a false cult, do they?

The Crack Emcee said...

traditionalguy,

One of the first rules of cultism is to control what the followers think by controlling what they put in their bodies. Why do you think so many are afraid of Flouride, etc., despite the fact we have so many examples of the positive benefits of these things it boggles the mind. Trace amounts of pesticides won't hurt anyone - and have never been proven to do so - so Whole Foods, at best, is providing a worthless service and, at worst, is engaged in something sinister. It is a NewAge outfit, so are you going to deny that possibility?

Food may be a part of life, but NewAgers (notorious for not examining where they get their "ideas") have made it political - and a statement of spirituality. Not me - remember: I'm the guy who just eats, with no concern for anything in the act beyond eating. So I don't need the special store, featuring the special food, with the other special patrons. There's a mental game being played in all that, and, like three card monte, only suckers do so.

No, my friend, not every idea comes from cult origins, but to deny the obvious - there's no basis, logically, scientifically, culturally or otherwise - for the ideas Whole foods promotes should make any thinking person wonder, "What's going on here?" and desire to get to the bottom of it. Politically and "spiritually", Whole Foods has a purpose - and it's not good.

Not by any definition of the word.

Issob Morocco said...

Meee-Owww!

MadisonMan said...

Crack, a simple NO would have sufficed.

People who go to such lengths -- complete with links! -- to convince the world of their intelligence usually aren't. (IME)

class-factotum said...

Freshness or organic standards about no pesticides and no growth hormones is an idea that sells food

Correction. "Freshness or organic standards about no pesticides and no growth hormones is an idea that sells food" for a lot more money.

dbp said...

IMHO it is not as black and white as CM would make it out to be, but there is something to it.

Whole Foods may just want to make a buck off of those who are into new-age and organic. But an organization like that will attract people who believe in it and eventually such beliefs will be the corporate culture. From that point on, the organization becomes a force for promoting such ideas.

Christy said...

Didn't a recent study in the UK find that no advantage accrues to eating organic food? (I'd find a link but I'm afraid I'd drop 5 IQ points.)

Meade said...

Whole Foods needs to hurry up and get another magazine on their racks: "Blue Dog Wellness"

Meade said...

The Golden years
Tips on keeping your senior blue dog from bolting out the door, running off down the road, and letting Republicans pat him on the head

in harmony with HOUSE BOSSES
How to protect your president pro tempore, speaker, majority whip, and committee chairmen from having their feelings hurt when your blue dog glares at them and bares his teeth

Outside the box
What to do when he stops holding a squat and refuses to wear his choke collar

The healing power of BALANCING THE BUDGET
Bonus treat pork-free recipes inside!

Hot trends in
BLUE DOG BEDS AND
HUNTING RIFLES

Feng Shui and Blue Dogs
How your blue dog can teach you this ancient art of fiscal conservatism and placement of horses before carts.

darrell said...

> Cats are cooler than ever...

How can this be qualified? Egyptians worshipped cats.

Also, why does the cat on the mag cover look so pissed off? Does it understand why it's being photographed?

darrell said...

> [Cats] are like your typical liberal too, "hey, take care of my needs and when they are met, fuck you anyway, you big sap." Whereas I associate dogs with conservatives, a brave, unyielding, unconditionally loving creature that simply wants to be by your side always be a constant companion through thick and thin.

Based on your metaphor I'd rather be the cat.

Beth said...

Whole Foods is just one of three major groceries in my neighborhood; there are also several smaller family owned stores that are worth visiting as well. I shop in all of them. All of the major groceries offer stuff that Whole Foods sells - and I can find local produce in all of them. I like the freshness of the seafood at Whole Foods, and the non-organic produce is often at a better price than other groceries. I don't buy homeopathic bottles of water, but it's a free market, so I don't particularly care that they're on a shelf. Convince people that they're crap - and I am not shy about saying as much - and there won't be a market for them. But there's always been someone who wants to buy the traveling medicine man's miracle cure, so good luck with that.

I see nothing "new agey" with paying attention to quality. I prefer buying meat and poultry that hasn't been produced by corporate farms. I can't always afford to, but when I can, I want to help encourage a market for smaller farms that don't leave their animals standing in their own waste, or clip off their beaks, and otherwise treat them cruelly. Just because I eat meat doesn't mean I want to see the animals treated inhumanely on their way to the market.

CE's remarks don't leave me wiping a "silly look" off my face, but if I were standing closer to him, I'd be wiping off foamy spray.

As MadMan pointed out - a simple "no" would have sufficed!

Beth said...

I should add that I too find New Age ideas to be incredibly full of shit, but I'm too busy investigating the Knights Templar to get involved with CE's obsession.

former law student said...

Well, I didn't see any Obama bumper stickers. I saw one "IMPEACH" sticker. So, I guess it's here. The Impeach Obama movement. But why? What grounds?

I have a clue: coming out of the baseball game this evening was a boy (between 8 and 10, but I'm no judge) wearing a black t-shirt with huge white letters reading

OBAMA IS A LEFTY

Now maybe he meant that Obama is a southpaw -- the lad might even have been left-handed himself, and partook in the pride of being both gauche and sinister.

The Crack Emcee said...

Madison Man and Beth,

No, a simple "no" would not have sufficed (and telling Trevor - who's name slays me - that I'm smarter than him doesn't mean I was trying to prove it: haven't you people ever heard of talking shit? Jeez.). As you know, I have a point to make and I'm going to do so:

Beth, you are what's called a "shruggie". A person who could give shit, whether I'm right or wrong about what I'm saying - including the Nazi shit. The reason most people roll their eyes at that connection is because they think of the Nazis as what they did at the end of WWII: killing the Jews. But how they worked up to that, culturally, is a complete mystery to most - and the Jews of WWII Germany would've found cold comfort with a "shruggie" like you around.

Listen to yourself:

"I don't buy homeopathic bottles of water, but it's a free market, so I don't particularly care that they're on a shelf. Convince people that they're crap - and I am not shy about saying as much - and there won't be a market for them. But there's always been someone who wants to buy the traveling medicine man's miracle cure, so good luck with that."

You "don't care" when these people are killing others? What a wonderful human being you are! See, Beth, in the old days the traveling medicine man was run out of town with a shotgun - people didn't just shrug and say "it's a free market" - because they cared about the townspeople being ripped off, manipulated, and killed. They didn't see those bottles of water as just bottles of water, but also as the corruption they represented. But not you: you're too "sophisticated", maybe, for that.

What you fail to see, and take seriously, is the Nazi connection: how we are in the midst of something evil. Not to get too "pop" on you but think of Raiders of the Lost Ark. How the Nazis were in every "spiritual" location imaginable - Tibet, for instance - trying to attain NewAge power. That movie was based on real events - the SS was on secret missions doing just that - which Steven Speilberg (a Jew) used as the fulcrum of his story. It's where the Nazis got the swastika. And yet, somehow, here we are again - back worshipping the same bullshit that turned a whole people - the Germans - into inhuman monsters and "shruggies" who would allow such horrible nonsense to go on. Even your "I don't care" is very Buddhist in it's origins: Life is suffering, right? Why should you do anything to alleviate it for anyone else? Anyone who believes that life is suffering is a poor role model for how to live, and a bad person to get advice from. It also leads to bad things happening - just ask the Jews.

Or look at what's happening to us now: there's not one NewAge idea that "progressives" aren't pushing: "wellness" (AKA eugenics and Superman theory) environmentalism, an obsession with racial identity, etc., that the Nazis didn't already assume - and our society continues to be worse off for it. Progressives can't think their way out of it. It's delusional thinking writ large, with only American conservatives - the same type of (now) old fashioned people who fought the Nazis hand-to-hand - standing up against them at tea parties.

Fuck, I'm rambling, and I don't want to get caught for the word count, but I hope y'all get the idea.

The Crack Emcee said...

And there it is.

Beth said...

But not you: you're too "sophisticated", maybe, for that.

No, CE. But I prefer using speech to refute the bogus claims of homeopaths over running anyone out of town with a shotgun.

The Crack Emcee said...

A tactic that even you admits doesn't work.

Bravo.

Beth said...

It worked for me. I don't spend money on homeopathic bottles of water, because I took the time to learn about the scam, because someone, somewhere made a comment to that effect and I thought it worth finding out about. Speech. Information. It's good stuff.

Your call for gun-wielding villagers is bullshit. If the traveling medicine man scam weren't successful, we wouldn't see it in our own day, much less throughout history. Buyer beware. There's a sucker born every minute. You can fool some of the people all of the time. Step right up!

This is the human condition. You can't macho it away. You have to use reason, and words, and the FDA, when appropriate.

The Crack Emcee said...

(Rolling eyes)

Yea, the FDA, with it's two investigators and that list of acceptable "medicines" drawn up by a homeopath back in 1932. Oh, and lets not forget about you - talking. Irrationality always responds to talking. Sure, we're all well-protected that way. And, yea, I no more think that's true than your claim you've educated yourself. You know homeopathy is water. Like I said, "Bravo!", but that, my dear, is only where an education in this shit begins. Step right up, indeed.

You know nothing. By your own words, you admit you are nothing. You are less than nothing.

You're not even human.

Beth said...

Crack, take your meds. Whichever rigorously vetted ones you think work. But really, stop being such an ass. Or accept that occasionally, people will laugh at you. Oh, the humanity!

The Crack Emcee said...

Beth,

I more than accept people will laugh at me. That doesn't make them right. Especially considering the milieu I know I've been living in. Why in the world would I ever take such people seriously?

So go on and laugh. I've encountered your type more often than you've encountered mine. I've heard everything you've said, here, many times over. You're a parrot.

Call me when you choose to be a human being again. My guess is it'll be when this nonsense inevitably bites you on your shruggie ass. As Churchill said, "An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last."

That ain't me, kid, and never will be.

Methadras said...

Christy said...

Didn't a recent study in the UK find that no advantage accrues to eating organic food? (I'd find a link but I'm afraid I'd drop 5 IQ points.)


Yup and all it did was confirm or at least reaffirm that the organic foods movement is a big crock of shit that actually creates more waste, costs more to buy because of lower yields, doesn't increase nutrition in any way, requires more energy to grow, and is a net loser in almost every economic way except for how it's marketed, branded, and sold to leftist morons and hippie sad-sacks.

wv = mallanto = the place mulatos can go shopping in style and comfort without fear of racial insensitivities from blacks or whites.

Methadras said...

darrell said...

Based on your metaphor I'd rather be the cat.


Pussy.