Althouse: "As an adult, I’ve found myself often feeling out of place around my fellow parents, because parenthood, as it turns out, is a social environment where people usually want to model conventional behavior."

November 12, 2023

"As an adult, I’ve found myself often feeling out of place around my fellow parents, because parenthood, as it turns out, is a social environment where people usually want to model conventional behavior."

"While feeling like an interloper among the grown-ups might have felt hip and righteous in my dad’s day, it makes me feel like a tool. It does not make me feel like a 'cool mom.' In the privacy of my own home, I’ve got plenty of competence, but once I’m around other parents — in particular, ones who have a take-charge attitude — I often feel as inept as a wayward teen."

Writes Kathryn Jezer-Morton, in "Does Anyone Feel Like an Actual Adult?" (The Cut).

28 comments:

Christopher B said...: Being willing (note, not able) to take charge, i.e. be responsible, is probably as reasonable a definition of adulthood as I've heard.

The question is, do you feel that way because you are unable or simply unwilling?; 11/12/23, 5:25 PM
Sebastian said...: OMG. OMG. OMFG. Jeez.

Let's see. Humble brag about trivial failings. Prog condescension to the straight world. Hey, look at me, sisters. Oh, and let me write this up for posterity, suing my famly as fodder.; 11/12/23, 5:35 PM
Old and slow said...: Yes. The answer is yes. I feel like an actual adult.; 11/12/23, 5:57 PM
R C Belaire said...: Not to worry, child, you'll either grow into the "job" or, well, there really is no "or" so best to suck it up.; 11/12/23, 6:23 PM
Assistant Village Idiot said...: We had foster children before we had our own and we learned that most of it is pretty straightforward. 90% of parenting is showing up. We were fanatic parents and chose activities where the other parents were somewhat like us. But that only goes so far. Eventually it's T-ball, and you are with the Generally Representative Parents in your town. And you just do it. You don't agonize about it. As for teachers and coaches and other authority figures, you go in knowing what is right, but open to learning something from them. We usually knew better than them, but lots of situations you just adjust to, unless you decide you want to be the soccer coach yourself. Which I did a few times. Badly.

I only distantly understand what this woman is talking about. You just do it. You don't give a thought as to whether you are one of the cool dads. I left that behind in high school and maybe college. Just drop it. It's fun when you are a cool dad, but not painful when you aren't. It is actually your job to embarrass your children, not please them. It's good for them, gives them something to push back against and become themselves.

When we adopted Romanian teenagers, and then a nephew years later we were prepared. It was all new and we didn't have the ideas right, but it didn't matter. Don't let them eat lead. Don't drop them on their heads. Make sure they have clothes and food. Teach them manners. After that you are designing a family culture for them to be part of and they participate in the ongoing completion of that. Medieval events. Piano lessons. Forced travel to educational places. Isolation to go fishing. Your choice. Give them a culture to reject or return to. Every one of our five children, and the the DILs after tham, changed the entire family culture, at least slightly. We are all part of each other, and the five widely-separated granddaughters illustrate this. They are different but have a common culture.

Things are simple - very hard to actually accomplish, but simple - if you just go down the path God has clearly put in front of you, which is both the same and different from every other family's. Stop navel-gazing and discuss with your spouse whether it's time to drop skiing. Then do that. Don't show off for magazines what kind of parent you are, because YOU DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW THAT.; 11/12/23, 6:35 PM
Joe Smith said...: So she looks like a generic white chick (maybe a bit tanner).

She's written for Jezebel, NYT, The Nation.

And the illustration accompanying the article is all POC.

Perfect.; 11/12/23, 6:38 PM
Mason G said...: "Does Anyone Feel Like an Actual Adult?"

Why, yes- ever since I got a place of my own and started paying my own way in the world when I was 20. What's the matter? Don't you?; 11/12/23, 6:57 PM
Paddy O said...: Most things where I'm around other parents there's no need for me to take charge and I'm happy for others to be doing the charge taking.; 11/12/23, 7:45 PM
Breezy said...: My youngest son laments not growing up during the time when kids could just go outside and play not be helicoptered. Seems like this mother has the same lament, though from a parent’s perspective.; 11/12/23, 8:08 PM
n.n said...: Parenthood is a religious cult where a adults through democratic or dictatorial means order the lives of underage persons, and, in the most extreme case, deem whether a child is viable or aborted for social, clinical, political, criminal, or fair weather progress.; 11/12/23, 8:23 PM
cassandra lite said...: It was a good ride, America, but when you have to turn "adult" into a gerund, it's over.; 11/12/23, 9:26 PM
Oligonicella said...: Definitely a her-problem.

She lacks confidence and sounds like she's trying hard to figure a way to blame others. When confident parents are around, she collapses.

Nobody's problem but hers.; 11/12/23, 10:04 PM
Big Mike said...: My sons and their wives seem to get this parenting business, and my grandkids are the better for it.; 11/12/23, 10:05 PM
Howard said...: I spent the entire summer parenting my 11 and 13 yo grandsons. We built a forged and made knives, rode mountain bikes, swam in pools and ponds, lifted weights, carved wood, finished building an insulated sugar shack and more importantly checked off a number of boxes on their man cards. The first trick to parenting is to be ultra strict and quick to correct and punish while simultaneously giving them as much freedom as possible within the limits of major injury and death. The second trick is to never ever sugarcoat anything. Answer their questions honestly thoroughly with historical context in your own personal experience of failure and triumph. Be real be honest be raw. All kids can spot a phony a mile away and are immediately repulsed.; 11/13/23, 7:19 AM
Howard said...: I spent the entire summer parenting my 11 and 13 yo grandsons. We built a forged and made knives, rode mountain bikes, swam in pools and ponds, lifted weights, carved wood, finished building an insulated sugar shack and more importantly checked off a number of boxes on their man cards. The first trick to parenting is to be ultra strict and quick to correct and punish while simultaneously giving them as much freedom as possible within the limits of major injury and death. The second trick is to never ever sugarcoat anything. Answer their questions honestly thoroughly with historical context in your own personal experience of failure and triumph. Be real be honest be raw. All kids can spot a phony a mile away and are immediately repulsed.; 11/13/23, 7:20 AM
tim maguire said...: I probably started feeling like an adult when I put a lot of work into my child's life and was happy if the result was my child was happy, well-cared for, and well-adjusted, without the slightest concern for whether I personally benefitted from my efforts.; 11/13/23, 7:42 AM
Mike (MJB Wolf) said...: I like Howard's take but he left out the other half of the parenting process I find as helpful as the being quick to correct bad behavior. "Catch your children being good" was how it was presented to me, so long ago now that I forget where the advice came from, but it served us well especially when (like Howard) we had to step in and parent our grandchildren. After all the instruction and care for them, they really appreciate and respond well to the times you stop them and say, "I noticed you did the right thing there when presented with a choice." Of course IRL my comments were always very specific compared to the generic quote I use here. One of the benefits was it reduces the fatigue a parent gets, a child feels, from having to point out things that need correcting. They also learn that parenting means more than saying "no" and we hope they in turn will use when they become parents.

"Catch your children being good." Best advice I ever got.; 11/13/23, 8:53 AM
cassandra lite said...: As I keep saying, 70 is the new 50. 40 is the old 20. (And 6 is the new 16.); 11/13/23, 9:09 AM
Jamie said...: Howard, will you be my grandfather? I don't have a "man card," but your summer sounds like such a good time!; 11/13/23, 9:16 AM
Freeman Hunt said...: Not buying a sport-specific bag for city ball makes me feel like an adult.; 11/13/23, 9:36 AM
Oligonicella said...: n.n:
Parenthood is a religious cult...

Nope.; 11/13/23, 10:10 AM
JK Brown said...: Is this woman a Millennial? If so, this workforce speaker may give insight through her discussion of the latch-key Gen X who had to learn to learn on their own and the shift with the arrival of 24 hr clickbait news on cable creating helicopter parents who never let their children do anything without adult supervision.

https://youtu.be/I7p7kng-uyU; 11/13/23, 10:34 AM
Will Cate said...: Both of our sons, in their mid 30s & with good jobs, still sort-of live like college students. Makes me wonder if their mom & I exhibited enough proper adulting (whatever that actually is) when they were younger.; 11/13/23, 10:36 AM
iowan2 said...: Parenting is not hard. Well, only as hard as you make it.

As noted, in these comments, 90% is showing up and being present, and, in the moment. We listened to our kids and talked to them, using the same words we used talking to adults. (they entered kindergarten with 5th grade vocabularies, we never worked toward that goal because we didn't know that was something they measured)

We treated the kids like kids, said "no" even if we had no reason to say no. We were not the kids friends, we preferred they (and us) had age appropriate friends.
Meal planning? One set of grand kids are responsible for one evening meal a week. Planning, checking for ingredients, putting items on the Alexa shopping list, putting groceries away and of course prep, cooking and cleanup. Ages 8 to 13. (they learned is they helped their siblings, they would receive help)

Stop comparing yourself to others. Determine goals, and compare yourself to your goals

Not advocating for your child with teachers, Doctors, and Ministers, is bad parenting. Put on your big person pants and understand who is working for who. (we were not the schools, or churches favorite parents); 11/13/23, 11:13 AM
iowan2 said...: Both of our sons, in their mid 30s & with good jobs, still sort-of live like college students.

I was stuck in year 18 of my life, until blessed with the first child. Until then, my actions only hurt me, and spouse. My DIL was a big sister in College, and until she married our son. So I might be a whole lot of selfish.; 11/13/23, 11:19 AM
Howard said...: Great point, Mike. I didn't do it enough with my kids, but learned to give deserved praise to the Grandkids.; 11/13/23, 12:00 PM
Hassayamper said...: So the infantilization of school-aged childhood that became the infantilization of adolescence that became the infantilization of college-aged single young adulthood has now become the infantilization of married parenthood.

The Life of Julia is on the cusp of becoming the Life of Julia and Jason. Eternal children voting for Big Daddy Government to pay their way and Big Mommy Government to kiss their boo-boos.

Gives me such faith for the future of our country.; 11/13/23, 2:33 PM
Mason G said...: "Gives me such faith for the future of our country."

This video probably won't help...

https://twitter.com/i/status/1723791866095689946; 11/13/23, 4:22 PM