July 4, 2023
"Adult friendship is touchy.... Everyone wants to be effortlessly surrounded by loved ones, so putting work into making friends can be embarrassing."
"While the search for romance feels normal, and even noble, actively seeking friends as an adult — and saying that openly on apps or social media — still carries stigma, friend-seekers said.... Making adult friends requires work and vulnerability, which is a lot to ask from people who are lonely, different or tired, [31-year old, self-described loner Greg] Walton said, blinking back tears....
You won’t make a friend the first time you show up [to a group meetup arranged through an app], Walton said, or even the second, because friendship requires revealing yourself over time. But real friends are out there, and the fear and ambiguity are worth it.
'Yeah, you might feel like a creep, but hopefully somebody will help you,' they said. 'First, you have to show that you’re trying.'"
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It's difficult because the institutions and traditions which used to form the basis of friendship no longer exist. Work friends? These days young adults are likely hopping from job to job every 3-4 years, often with major relocations in the process, which makes it difficult to maintain friendships. People don't settle down and start families like they used to do, which means you don't have a large group of people your age who are in similar circumstances with kids and neighborhoods (this also makes it more difficult for kids to make friends, I think). Most mainline churches are dying as they become terminally poisoned with Boomer progressivism.
You can try finding new hobbies, but that is becoming less and less of an option, in part because it's difficult to find them, and because for many young adults money is tight. In my own experience, I found that social dancing (swing and tango) was good in my twenties, but more recently when I moved to DC the community was almost too big and too scattered for any personal connections.
Probably because they don’t put down their phones long enough to talk to the people around them.
I've been trying with no luck to get some more friends or find local affinity groups ever since I took an early retirement right before Covid hit. People I thought I was pretty close to at work didn't have enough interest to get together outside of work. One woman I knew for years outside of work dumped me the minute I had a slightly skeptical take on all the craziness surrounding Covid. My other lifelong friend hung up on me when I mentioned--which I thought was a fairly politically neutral comment--that I'm troubled by the practice of denying people access to banks and credit cards due to the nature of their businesses (ie payday loan services, firearms dealers). She replied that the owner of Home Depot was conservative and hung up on me. So much for 50 years of friendship.
I'm married to my best friend and he is the best guy ever, and our two grown children really love us and really like us so I am blessed with "friends" in that sense. I just can't seem to find the formula for getting a few friends outside of the family, which is one of the reasons that I read and comment on blogs and websites that feature interesting and intelligent content and commenters. If we could meet up IRL that would be incredibly rewarding, just to have some fun get-togethers with like-minded folks.
The rubber-playgroundification of our society continues apace. Now, instead of your mommy arranging your playdates a new digital nanny has been created to yet again provide a phenomenally sub-par solution to your human needs while simultaneously robbing you of additional dignity. As if moving yet another broken social scene into an online environment solves the fundamental social and cultural problem making it difficult to make friends right now in the first place. Millions of people in the online dating scene have been complaining for years that transitioning from the safety of the digital sphere to the real world is a greater problem than ever, so unless the friends you make online are going to stay there, you're probably back to square one when it comes to getting the real world connection/intimacy you're craving.
Social forces and pressures in meat-space are creating the friction that's causing the problems, and one of those social forces/pressures is the digitization of everything. When a millionth digital solution falls flat on its face again for most people, no one should wondering why.
"Adult friendship is touchy . . . friendship requires revealing yourself over time"
True. What's revealed can be unpleasant, in either direction. Hence the advantage of old (childhood, college) friends: there's nothing much to reveal, hence less vulnerability, touchiness, and risk. Or for married men, the advantage of being friends with your wife's friends: doesn't require revealing yourself, at least not in the same way, so not as touchy.
As we age, we accumulate experiences, tastes, preferences and habits that differentiate us from others. Unless we can put those things to the side, it becomes more and more difficult to find "like minded" friends.
Our physical world communities decline as we turn to the digital forms of community. E.g., blogs like this one.
It isn't hard, and I write this as a kind of natural born loner. Continue to play team sports- after grad school, I started playing public league basketball and baseball- made quite a few friends that way. If you aren't the athletic type, find hobby clubs doing things you like to do.
Matt and Walter expressed skepticism about this loneliness epidemic out there.
Making adult friends is not that hard. Pick a club, religious meeting, volunteer organization, or whatever that meets at least once a week. Go to a meeting. If there are people there who seem like they might make good friends, show up to every meeting. Make sure you introduce yourself. Any friendships you make will be easy to maintain because you will see these friends once a week at the very least without any planning.
I have done this several times. It never fails.
Yeah.......it takes 25 to build a family around yourself, but it’s a worthwhile endeavor!
Gee, I wonder why "they" (Greg in the article) has trouble making friends? I'm sure "they" will hit it off with the guy in "slick cropped blazer" and the orange beanie. Think I would rather meet friends in a church if I was that desperate.
"or whatever that meets at least once a week."
I did that and made a few friends but they tended to be older and either hyper cautious or they died or withdrew from the group. The younger ones are always moving on.
And the friendliest ones were bugfuck crazy,..
Just as with finding love, I don't think apps directed specifically at finding friends are the way to go. It seems all too cringey and desperate.
Instead, get involved in some organization with a specific goal other than socializing. Some of my closest friends nowadays were made in a local group concerned with outdoor recreation, foraging, and conservation. A lot of them are hairy-assed hippies that I would otherwise never hang out with. We have a great time and never talk politics. Other members are right-wing extremists of the same kidney as myself, and when we find ourselves alone we enjoy talking shit on the left, but we don't think of our fellow club members in that way even if they are "progressive" fruitcakes.
And don't dismiss others in the group just because they are of a different age or background or otherwise seem unsuitable as friends. Young people in search of their lifetime romantic partner would do well to get in tight with the older ladies in such groups, who have nieces and grandsons they are constantly looking out for.
My best friends have almost all been my friends since HS--the two earliest pre-HS are both dead now, as is my next brother--and most of the others I met in college. I was close friends with only one work colleague, also now deceased.
The common thread in all was some interest in military history and wargaming. Otherwise they were pretty diverse in their tastes and opinions for a bunch of college (and more) educated White guys.
I work closely with, and enjoy the company of, other movers and shakers in the regional historical society, but even there the people who were most sympatico have mostly died.
My 37 y.o. SSM has a group of friends that regularly meet for various sorts of gaming inside or canoeing outside; the difference between us is that at his age I and most of my friends were having kids and careers, and most of his aren't.
This is the downside to our age-segregated culture in the US. We enter the age-segregated institution (school) at age 5-6, surrounded by age peers all experiencing the same thing. And some of that experience is stressful and painful, which bonds people even more. We are there until High School (13 years) or college (17). We make friends easily because potential friends are right there!
Then - you graduate. And have to learn how to build friendships. I see so many posts on Reddit that say, "How on earth do you make friends in this (city)?" It's not hard to see why.
RigelDog @ 10:24
Your comment inspires me to add: purity tests. Various things like politics and social movements have replaced religion, and people seem keen to double down and prove their purity. I have seen some decades-long friendships fracture over purity quests.
Having always lived in the same area and having maintained about 3lifelong friendships from childhood- I am blessed. Our family is close enough(we visit my Mom on Sundays after Mass)&celebrate holidays as a family.
I do have friendships that started b/c were farmers and someone always wants to see a cow, right? I believe they feel closer than I do. I don’t share as much as they do information-wise or tout our friendship as tightly. I’m appreciative, though. And we’ve met 2couples- one buys our milk(1st time we’ve ever sold out of the tank) &another through Church, but I expect these to be more of acquaintanceships. One woman is deaf and we just hit it off well. She’s a tiny ting- 63- fierce and fearless. I think she could teach me a lot lol.
… I’m also the type of person that people talk to like they know me. I have an open face. You know?
I am a bit Aspie and started as a math-science guy and am particularly worried for us. The female aspies tended to marry older men and the exciting 35-50 y/o rescue-for-both relationship is now a 65-80 y/o relationship and the men are dying. I listen to these brittle, defensive women who will brook no suggestion that they made any wrong decisions and my heart breaks for them. They were fine having few friends, as many are. Having no friends is different. When we were productive or even indispensable at work people put up with the idiosyncrasies. They don't have to anymore.
We have long lived in the same town (different houses). We have many sons and DIL's widely scattered. My wife, a children's librarian, is still magical at connecting with the children and the young mothers, and listening to boring old ladies. (Shudder.) She'll be fine for decades. We have sustained church friends of decades, and most of that has been assumed commitments to meet. At reunion time I started connecting with old friends in 2020. Most weren't interested or wrote back only once, but I have lunch monthly with three of them now. Schedule it. Do it. Don't just vaguely promise it. Spontaneity is no longer your friend. I also have pub night with other guys about 45 times a year. Mostly older STEM guys, occasional younger guys from church. It has been discouraging because too often only 2-3 come. Four is solid night and five is a great blessing. You have to just keep pounding away at it, and it builds, brick by brick. Heck, the Inklings went through years when hardly anyone joined CS Lewis and Warnie every week too.
I made some friends at a Spanish meetup. My wife has made some enduring friends at volunteer activities and ceramics classes at the community college. This while in our late fifties to late sixties.
I have no trouble making friends, but the difficulty is getting rid of them after they have outlived their useful purposes.
A long time lawyer friend (a conservative) completely defriended me (in person!) because he was worried that people would find out we were friends and that it would hurt his PI law practice. Weird!
My best friends are from my schools. I get together once a month with my HS class.
Back in the early days of newsgroups like the soc. and alt. civil war groups I made friends with a lot of folks. The online became real for several people, as I was invited to speak to some CW Roundtables, and once a group of us (M&F) spent a weekend in one of the original (though renovated) houses on the Perryville KY battlefield.
Due to all the modern electronic contrivances, my wife has made and met many friends here and abroad--all devotees of Outlander.
If there was an Althouse meetup (and I was invited) I'd try to be there. With bells on.
it takes 25 to build a family around yourself,
25 years.......you know proof-reading ain't easy.
A long time lawyer friend (a conservative) completely defriended me (in person!) because he was worried that people would find out we were friends and that it would hurt his PI law practice. Weird!
I have had a front row seat in the schizoid theater for about the last 10 years. It kills relationships. Just move on!!
I've done a few meat-ups for online groups. In HS and college I was part of a star wars vs star trek newsgroup, and later bulletin board, and met up with a bunch of folks to see Episode 3. I've met folks from another blog on several occasions, and one is still a very dear friend.
I have to wonder if social media and modern communications have hurt us by maintaining relationships long past the point where they should have faded away. Human beings are tribal, and we're not really wired to maintain a lot of relationships at once. Keeping in touch with an old college buddy, or an Army buddy, on FB means one less connection available in meat-space. In the old days you might have exchanged occasional letters, Christmas cards, maybe meet up on vacation every few years, etc. Now, you get to see their lives unfolding day to day, which takes a lot more mental space.
Yet people also attack the college Greek system. Almost everyone I know who has lifelong deep friendships got them in a college fraternity or sorority. There are, of course, other ways to build lifelong friendships. But I’ve not seen a better option that so consistently delivers on that outcome.
ALP replied to my comment: "Your comment inspires me to add: purity tests. Various things like politics and social movements have replaced religion, and people seem keen to double down and prove their purity. I have seen some decades-long friendships fracture over purity quests."
Yes, this is a huge obstacle. I truly am very open-minded and not one to apply a purity test. In fact, my one remaining good friend is a lefty feminist lesbian and we just accept each other and don't press the hot buttons.
But as an example of the purity tests, I was making some progress meeting new people and having a really fun activity when I found a loose group of casual singers in my area. But most of them could not stop themselves from injecting TRUMP! into every occasion, like pod people. Then one of them started a gathering with a land acknowledgment. Then Covid hit and they were all too afraid to meet up, even later in 2021. I could still enjoy singing with them but I know I can't be true friends with them because they would vomit if they knew that I voted for Trump.
Adult friendship is touchy
Only if you're doing it right.
People mistake acquaintanceships for friendships all the time. You don't have a friend until you've spent a significant amount of shared interest, time and intimacy with them.
Of the hundred plus members of the troop I ran, only Tom was a friend, as once the troop was done the shared interest faded. Tom and I had an intense interest in metal working and were very close friends until he died a couple years ago.
I'm still in active contact (via long distance) with a friend I've known since third grade (60 years ago) and two friends I met in college (47 years ago). These two were close-up friends for most of the past 47 years, as they also had moved to NYC. We now group text several times a week. One of the two visited us last month.
I am retired (one year), and I'm still in contact (via texting and email) with a couple of work friends. I had maintained a friendship with a girlfriend from 30 years ago, but since I've left NYC, she has been close to completely mum, so that may be done. And I have my wife. And my two brothers (both long distance).
I don't feel the slightest desire to cultivate new friends. If a new friendship were to somehow occur spontaneously, great! But, I've always been introverted and sort of a loner, so I am content as is. Plus, I don't want to take on the social obligation(s) of new friendships. (My wife is social and outgoing, and she is an active Pickleball player, so she has made a slew of new friends in our new location.)
One of my old HS friends suggested, a few years ago, a reading group for those of us who were interested in more regular and focused interaction.
Nobody was.
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