Althouse: The man's lament: "I want to comfort her within reason, and now she won't let me."

March 21, 2023

The man's lament: "I want to comfort her within reason, and now she won't let me."

From "AITA for not taking my wife's possible [miscarriage] seriously?" (Reddit).

25 comments:

iowan2 said...: for any man in the advice recieving mode.

Women want their man to be a sounding board. NOT a problem solver, or advice. Just listen and agree. Talking can take place after the emotions has ebbed.; 3/21/23, 9:17 AM
AlbertAnonymous said...: Repeat these words over and over again until you receive enlightenment:

“You were right, I was wrong… again”; 3/21/23, 9:20 AM
Big Mike said...: Short answer: F&#* Yea! You are an a—hole.

You can take the bar another time if you fail it, but you have only one wife.; 3/21/23, 9:21 AM
Ice Nine said...: It's not about the nail, you brute!

His response was fine - he tried to console her and reassure her. She of course wanted him to freak the hell out.; 3/21/23, 9:21 AM
Kate said...: From the comments: "I have since learned that when women get pregnant their bodies start changing for the pregnancy. Hormones, etc change and this in turn helps stimulate emotional changes as well for bonding with the baby. When the baby is lost it not only causes the physical trauma that their body suddenly has to cope with but also the sudden hormonal change which has a big emotional impact."

What we can say during a miscarriage but not during an abortion.; 3/21/23, 9:37 AM
Tom T. said...: I get that he has the bar exam coming up, but this is also a good reminder for him: kids get sick when they get sick, and they don't care what you've got scheduled.; 3/21/23, 9:57 AM
Mr Wibble said...: I think that he's a bit of an asshole, but it's understandable. Men are wired differently, and with the stress of an upcoming bar exam, it's entirely possible that it hasn't sunk in yet. He'll push it aside until after he's done with the exam, and then it will hit him that they've lost the baby.; 3/21/23, 10:04 AM
Kevin said...: I can see his problem. He's been told it's not a child but a clump of cells so often he believes it.

I mean, women go through this voluntarily all the time.

/sarc; 3/21/23, 10:19 AM
cfs said...: I wonder if he would feel the same if their 3 year old child passed away? "No problem sweetie. Just as soon as I pass the Bar, we can try again" He is the AH. He wants to comfort her "within reason" which means as soon as he can find time in his busy schedule and it doesn't require too much effort on his part.

Too many men are AHs regarding miscarriages. The women is carrying the child, her body is preparing itself to nourish the child for months, and the mother quickly becomes emotionally attached to the little human growing inside her. All of that is suddenly gone and the mother, both physically and emotionally, is greatly affected. The hormonal upheaval alone causes tremendous stress.; 3/21/23, 10:19 AM
Ampersand said...: AITA posts such as this one leave me with the queasy sense that the poster is making up the story. Would a person going through that sort of relationship crisis really think to himself, "my best next step is to post about this on Reddit."?; 3/21/23, 10:22 AM
Bob Boyd said...: Wife: "OMG, please come home. I'm afraid I'm having a miscarriage."

Husband who was born to be a lawyer: "But what's in it for me?"; 3/21/23, 10:31 AM
Mr Wibble said...: Would a person going through that sort of relationship crisis really think to himself, "my best next step is to post about this on Reddit."?

There are absolutely some who would. Usually, they don't have the best social antenna.; 3/21/23, 11:16 AM
Fred Drinkwater said...: Ampersand, the consensus on Reddit is that roughly half of the stories in Aita are fake. Creative writing exercises, or story research, or trolling.; 3/21/23, 11:22 AM
Ignorance is Bliss said...: I want to comfort her within reason...

This is your wife. Reason has nothing to do with it.

And yes, you are the asshole.; 3/21/23, 11:55 AM
Temujin said...: His response to his wife was callous and sounded like with no remorse for potentially losing a child at all. That's a pretty big deal, a miscarriage. I know it happens a lot to a lot of people. But it's still an emotional thing and it's something to get your head around. I doubt she was telling him to screw the bar exam, he should mourn with her for the next week. But she probably expected a different reaction than he would have had if she'd just knocked over a lamp. "No worries, honey. We'll just get a new lamp."

And the other thing that gets me. If you're so tied up studying for your bar exam, what the hell are you doing using your time to go on reddit and whine to your group, looking for sympathy agreement? Who does that? Well...I guess it's generational. But man, if my wife had had a miscarriage, I would not have run to reddit to ask for support for me.; 3/21/23, 12:02 PM
n.n said...: Her empathy, his burden.; 3/21/23, 12:27 PM
Mark said...: Are you the a**hole for putting limits on comforting your wife ("within reason")? Yes

Are you the a**hole for referring to this as "my wife's...miscarriage"? Yes

Are you the a**hole for not only not taking it seriously, but with nary a thought that YOUR OWN CHILD HAS DIED? YES!!!; 3/21/23, 1:42 PM
Mark said...: Five months ago, I had a miscarriage. It was, and still is, devastating. Like most women who have never experienced a miscarriage before, I had never envisioned what it would be like to lose a baby. Although I had always known having a miscarriage must be difficult, I could never have imagined the heartbreak, the overwhelming number of questions or the memory of the exact moment my little one left this world for the next.

In the days and weeks following my unborn baby's death, it was challenging for almost anyone—even my husband—to comfort me. When I shared the news that I had miscarried, I was blessed to have friends and family who showed compassion and empathy.

But sadly, some people—many people—did not know how to respond. They fumbled an "I'm sorry" immediately followed by "at least it was early" or "you will probably have another one soon" and then quickly changed the subject.

These people were trying their best to make me feel better, but their discomfort and unintentional dismissal of my pain hurt. The words "pregnancy loss is so hard" and "it's so common" instantly brought me to tears. It was not the loss of pregnancy that I was and am still grieving. I was not sad because I no longer had fatigue or morning sickness. I was, and am, sad because my unborn child died.

Yes, miscarriage is common. Death is very common, but that does not make a person's passage from this world any easier for their loved ones to bear. And my unborn child was just that—a person. A unique human being, whose picture I have, whose heartbeat my husband saw, whose life changed this world....

https://www.newsweek.com/my-miscarriage-roe-v-wade-opinion-1561741; 3/21/23, 1:49 PM
takirks said...: I think he's an asshole, and a particularly insensitive one at that.

However... I have to say that one of the things about modern society that really disturbs me is this expectation that everyone seems to have these days about things like pregnancy... It's like everyone is guaranteed a positive result, and when they don't get one? They're shattered.

The actual rate of miscarriage is a lot higher than the average person even suspects.

As in, it may well be that over 26% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, while only 10% of clinically-identified miscarriages result in one. The raw fact is, a lot of fetuses don't make the cut, self-terminating because of various issues stemming from environment in the womb to bad genetics. It's all a damn crapshoot, and when people put too much hope into the whole thing working out? They're almost certainly doomed to disappointment, particularly for older mothers. I hate watching that happen, but what the hell are you going to do?

I guarantee you that counseling people who're too invested in a particular pregnancy that they ought not count any chickens until they hatch will absolutely not go down well, at all. Been there, done that, and have several T-shirts to show for it. Nobody wants the biological facts rubbed in their faces, even if you're the only sane one in the room and are looking at the track record for that potential mother and going "Oh... Oh, this ain't going to end well, at all..."

Not every pregnancy ends in birth. Hell, a lot of those "spontaneous miscarriages" aren't even recognized as pregnancies, either--I know a lot of women who've had "heavy periods" that actually represented spontaneous self-abortions due to fetal non-viability. You'll even see cases where the biochemistry was so incompatible that the two partners couldn't conceive a child that would make it to birth, no matter what. She had no issues carrying another male's child; his might as well have been another species, and the heroic measures taken to try and make that happen were damn near crippling. They had to try and suppress her immune system to the point where she'd get sick from anything she was exposed to. In the end, well... No kids for the two of them. They had to resort to the sperm bank.

I wish I could remember what the hell it was that caused that. I don't remember the details, other than it being a really severe Rh-/Rh+ sort of thing. They were both fertile, just not with each other.; 3/21/23, 2:30 PM
farmgirl said...: This is so sad. The whole thing- her, him: the loss, the coping skills or lack thereof.
I pray this couple heals and I pray for a healthy, new pregnancy when or if…

The child is a treasure in Heaven, now. Even though Catholic belief says birth/baptism- anything created by our Father goes home to Him.

Solace.; 3/21/23, 4:03 PM
JAORE said...: Yeah, he'sthe AH.

If I'd done that I'd have been the divorced AH.; 3/21/23, 4:25 PM
n.n said...: ‘Precious Feet’: Doctor’s Iconic Photo of a 10-Week-Old ‘Fetus’ Proves Aborted Babies Are Not Clumps of Cells

The pitter-patter of little feet. That said, six weeks to baby... fetal-baby meets granny in legal state, everywhere, including sanctuary states.; 3/21/23, 5:53 PM
n.n said...: Empathy, sympathy, and human evolution.

Yes, miscarriage is common. Death is very common, but that does not make a person's passage from this world any easier for their loved ones to bear. And my unborn child was just that—a person. A unique human being, whose picture I have, whose heartbeat my husband saw, whose life changed this world....

Yes, it is, it may be, but there is an observable, equitable, inclusive (OEI) difference between Her Choice and her Choice.; 3/21/23, 6:00 PM
Narayanan said...: will he be this flustered in a court room when/if he passes the bar?; 3/21/23, 7:31 PM
Narayanan said...: also evidence that he was not much invested in progeny?; 3/21/23, 7:33 PM