June 26, 2019

"Odor: Wet lily trampled by rude outlaw in deep forest/Eyes: Velvety danger."

I'm reading "Maya's Proposal" — which is "an extraordinary document: A proposal of marriage" presented by E. Jean Carroll, the Elle magazine advice columnist whose new book accuses President Trump of rape. The new book is not yet available, so I was poking around in her old books and I found this fascinating booklet, for only 99¢. I read it — out loud (to Meade) — in one sitting. It was fantastic. We're told that this is an authentic letter that Carroll received from a real person who really is who she says she is — a beautiful woman in India who wants a husband, quick.

I'll just give you a few of my favorite snippets:
Reasons for Marrying: Pleasure, curiosity, boredom, breeding, fear, money, revenge, love.

Men Maya Does Not Like: Men with wens, men with foul manners, men with thin thighs, men with small quantity of semen, men whose semen exits slower than 27 mph when ejaculated, men with less than 330 million sperm per teaspoon, men with long thumb nails, men with small foreheads, men with sharp-ended teeth, men who wear wigs, men whose passion wanes, men with short jaghana, men who lie, men who smell like moon fish left in sun, men who are pasty-white, men without money, men who are women.
Did you see that? Men whose semen exits slower than 27 mph when ejaculated!

She buys four dresses every year. She buys two pair of sandals every year. She cooks well. Every month she gets periods. She has three-day periods. Menstrual blood is dark like ruby, sleek, stretchy, supple. She wants to marry soon to get baby son....

Maya likes to have sex
She likes sex.
She has good pubic hair.
Horse man! Come gallop in Maya's little garden!
She has good long hands and legs....

She is ready to shampoo your thighs.
She is ready to play games of dice.
She is ready to play "find the middle finger."
She is ready to teach your parrot to speak.
She is ready to love you with her eyes.
She is ready to love you with her mind.
She is ready to destroy her sleep....

Hair is glossy. Hair is long. Man once saw Maya's hair and whispered: "Your hair is so beautiful I want to strangle myself with it."
This is a well-spent 99¢, I am telling you. I must resist quoting too much, so I am skipping details on "Hipness," "Yoni," "Pubic hair," and I'll just give one more snippet, "Anointing Your Lingam":
Maya will apply the flowers which have been thrown on a human corpse before it is burned. This produces very amorous effect. Maya will take the excrement of a monkey, dip it oil of mango and bury it for eight months in the trunk of an almond tree and then apply it to your lingam---and Maya promises: The lingam of the camel will look small by comparison.

104 comments:

tim maguire said...

Did she think Carroll was a guy? Did Maya find love? We don't find out, do we?

Is 27 MPH a lot?

Ann Althouse said...

"Did she think Carroll was a guy?"

No. She thought, correctly, that Carroll was an advice columnist. It's an attachment to a cover letter.

Ann Althouse said...

From Carroll's intro: "It was sent to me (via email with the subject line in caps, MARRIAGE PROPOSAL OF MAYA K. ROY) at the Ask E. Jean column---an advice column that I write for Elle Magazine. Elle is the largest fashion magazine in the world. It's known as "the thinking woman's fashion magazine" (And Ask E. Jean is, astonishingly, the longest, currently-running advice column in American publishing with some 5 million readers.)"

Ann Althouse said...

Off-topic material will be deleted and has been deleted. You will be ejaculated at a speed of more than 27 mph.

There is so much material here. Go to the last open thread if you have some other topic to discuss.

BADuBois said...

Once again, Trump is fortunate in the quality of his enemies.

Nobody said...

Too bad about my vasectomy, because I would marry her sight unseen. Give her her own little cottage to raise the little ones, visit from time to time. But my spider sense says she might be a handful to live with full time.

Bay Area Guy said...

Men Maya Does Not Like: Men with wens, men with foul manners, men with thin thighs, men with small quantity of semen, men whose semen exits slower than 27 mph when ejaculated, men with less than 330 million sperm per teaspoon,

Whew. I was worried about this, Jean, er, I mean, Maya. But my latest test results show semen at 32 miles per hour and 360 million sperm per tablespoon (sorry teaspoons were in the dishwasher).

Big Mike said...

The lingam of the camel will look small by comparison.

The lingam of a camel already looks small by comparison.

rhhardin said...

That's 43 km/h so it's not a metric thing.

Nobody said...

Also, it’s been a while since my ejaculate was high speed, like Portnoy in Portnoy’s Complaint, hitting the light bulb on the bathroom ceiling light and hanging there. I wish I had the text in from of me, because it was really funny the way Roth wrote it.

Dan from Madison said...

@Nobody - Might?

Nobody said...

Sticking your dick in crazy, while not well advised, is often the most fun.

traditionalguy said...

Talk dirty to me.That's one way to attract Mr. Goodbar.

But can she play golf?

My name goes here. said...

Not a metric gal! I like it!

Meade said...

Maya will go shopping for lingerie with you at Bergdorf Goodman and never take excrement of a monkey, bury it in the trunk of an almond tree for 25 years and then throw it at you just when you are sitting high on your camel.

JML said...

According to a site I found by searching "How fas is the average speed of sperm at ejaculation" (yes, fas...) the average speed is 28 MPH. Another site claims 31 MPH. Basically she is looking for someone with just a little bit more than average speed. Not to fear - I also discoed through the marvels of the inter web a site that says if you save up and don't Kramer, it can reach speeds of 41 MPH. So men, save up, take good care of your skin and make sure you do something to pad out your jaghana and bald men who wear toupees need not apply...

The Bergall said...

Sounds sexist, but then again...............

JML said...

I wonder if Maya is getting any royalties from this.

daskol said...

I have to think Maya got what she wanted out of this. Maybe the latest book will tell us how it played out.

Ann Althouse said...

"But can she play golf?"

Here is the entry for sports —no specific mention of golf, but:

"Many medals in athletic events line Maya's offerings to the goddess Shachi. Maya K. Roy is lioness! She is also excellent at quickly striking her lover during sexual congress, scanning verses, sword fighting, shampooing her lover's body, binding armlets, making charms, and breeding fighting cocks."

FleetUSA said...

Great fun for a midweek blog posting. This is one of the reasons the Professor is so interesting to read.

Ann Althouse said...

"I wonder if Maya is getting any royalties from this."

I'm guessing that the advice column gives an address to send letters and specifies that submitting a letter causes the letter to belong to the magazine. I'm not a legal expert on how well language like that works to transfer the copyright when an entire book is made out of a very long letter.

Bay Area Guy said...

Well, Maya certainly has a flare for the written word. But we'd reallv need to see recent pictures before the NASCAR sperm racing trials commence.

Brings a new meaning to "Pole position"

Meade said...

Who has time for golf when there’s another round of “find the middle finger” to play?

Big Mike said...

She is also excellent at quickly striking her lover during sexual congress, scanning verses, sword fighting, shampooing her lover's body, binding armlets, making charms, and breeding fighting cocks.

My cock is for loving, not fighting.

Fen said...

The delightful young prostitute I had in Surabaya Indonesia was named Maya. We didn't have sex, I just wanted a female to lay next to after 6 months on ship.

This one sounds a lot like her. More than anything, she wanted to marry a Marine and be brought back to the United States. I almost did (it would not have been a real marriage, just a formality, I would have imported her family and then set her free). But our SNCO warned that anyone getting married in Indonesia would be busted down to private and OTH'd out of the Corps. Sounded like many had tried this gambit before and they were on to it now.

Poor Maya. I often wonder what happened to her. She was worth 100 American women.

Bay Area Guy said...

She is also excellent at quickly striking her lover during sexual congress,...

Sexual Congress? Do we have to bring Jerrold Nadler to the party?

Big Mike said...

Did Maya’s mother not explain that if you indulge in sexual congress multiple times per day the sperm count will go way below 330 million per teaspoon? Asking for a friend.

Jeff Gee said...

I've never given much thought to the small wen just below my left shoulder blade but now I'm sad.

Fernandistein said...

We're told that this is an authentic letter

I bet.

Everyone will recognize this:

Marry

Children — (if it Please God) — Constant companion, (& friend in old age) who will feel interested in one, — object to be beloved & played with. — better than a dog anyhow.– Home, & someone to take care of house — Charms of music & female chit-chat. — These things good for one’s health. — but terrible loss of time. —

My God, it is intolerable to think of spending one’s whole life, like a neuter bee, working, working, & nothing after all. — No, no won’t do. — Imagine living all one’s day solitarily in smoky dirty London House. — Only picture to yourself a nice soft wife on a sofa with good fire, & books & music perhaps — Compare this vision with the dingy reality of Grt. Marlbro’ St.

Not Marry

Freedom to go where one liked — choice of Society & little of it. — Conversation of clever men at clubs — Not forced to visit relatives, & to bend in every trifle. — to have the expense & anxiety of children — perhaps quarelling — Loss of time. — cannot read in the Evenings — fatness & idleness — Anxiety & responsibility — less money for books &c — if many children forced to gain one’s bread. — (But then it is very bad for ones health[19] to work too much)

Perhaps my wife wont like London; then the sentence is banishment & degradation into indolent, idle fool —

Sebastian said...

"men whose semen exits slower than 27 mph when ejaculated"

Picky, picky.

"men who are women"

Uh, oh. No prog hubby for Maya.

"get baby son"

And sexist to boot. As I said, no prog hubby for you.

Roughcoat said...

Check my box as one who finds this post + comments (especially Meade's) among the funniest, perhaps THE funniest, ever to appear on the Althouse blog.

I mean, laugh-out-loud funny. Coffee-through-the-nose, snot-blowing funny.

Thank you, Althouse!!!

Sebastian said...

"Maya likes to have sex. She likes sex. "

Yeah, but does she like to put on lingerie at Bergdorf Goodman?

Saint Croix said...

In my opinion, 27 miles is slow as shit. She's basically saying she will accept lower mediocrity and above on the ejaculation speed. Either that or I am awesome. My mind is open.

David Begley said...

How did Maya measure the ejaculation mph?

traditionalguy said...

Sounds like living with Maya could re-boot a man's immune system.

But you got to admit Maya gets the idea of a good woman being a man's helpmate.

Oso Negro said...

That’s almost as good as the Alton, Missouri weblog which can only be fully enjoyed if read aloud with an Ozarks accent. It’s hard to say which is more startling - the weblog because it’s true or the fevered Maya cantos because they are not. Thanks for the pre-breakfast imagery involving monkey excrement.

Amexpat said...

I'd bet even money that this is not a real letter from a real person. Either a prank or Carroll has done what some other advice columns have done - make up letters to create interesting content.

Ann Althouse said...

I looked for and found instructions on how to play "find the middle finger":

"Two players are involved in this game. One player wraps the fingers of his or her left hand with the right hand, showing only the tips of the fingers and asks the others to find the middle finger. If another player cannot find the middle finger, he or she shows how it was placed in the wrap. If the other player finds the middle finger, the players exchange phrases like “Where is the middle finger?” “He went to visit the Khan`s palace”. “What is he going to do?” “He went there to give a black jacket to the Khan and a green jacket to the Queen”. “What did they give you?” and etc."

David Begley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Saint Croix said...

How did Maya measure the ejaculation mph?

She's eyeballing it.

David Begley said...

Althouse’s blog post on this book will make it a bestseller.

gilbar said...

Maya writes pretty good English for an Indian;
by which i mean E Carol writes pretty good English for her Indian Character

Maya uses pretty good Non Metric Units (mph, teaspoons) for an Indian
by which i mean E Carol writes pretty good English for her Indian Character

by which i mean E Carol writes fiction

Fernandistein said...

How did Maya measure the ejaculation mph?

V = squirt(h*2g)

BleachBit-and-Hammers said...

does not like: "men who are women."

PHOBIC alert! Call the mind crime police. off to the re-education camps.

Ann Althouse said...

@Roughcoat

Thanks.

I highly recommend buying the book and reading it out loud in one sitting to someone who shares your sense of humor.

Meade and I had a wonderful time. I started reading and kept going to the end. Probably took about half an hour, including many pauses for laughing.

Saint Croix said...

I see it now.

Youtube videos.

Man vs. Machine

Maserati vs. the Human Ejaculator

we're clocking it, baby

Bob Boyd said...

How did Maya measure the ejaculation mph?

She's got a thing that's called radar love

Ann Althouse said...

The booklet is 31 pages long.

Saint Croix said...

I am pretty sure that is not how you play the finger game.

David Begley said...

Maya has an MBA and size 4 panties. She also shares the copyright on the book with Carroll. And then there’s this,

“Bosom: Bouncy

Nipples: Rose bud

Waist: Like a grey hound's

IQ: 136

Yoni: Tight and snappish.”

Tight and snappish!

This woman is a prize!

Bob Boyd said...

Yoni: Tight and snappish.

Remember in Borat? "Like sleeve of wizard"

David Begley said...

“If any chap of good family and large income would like to contact Miss Maya K. Roy, call me at 845-544-0522 or email ejeancarroll@gmail.”

Lurker21 said...

Not kilometers per hour?

Either Maya doesn't exist, or else the rest of the world doesn't use the metric system.

Either way, someone lied.

Saint Croix said...

My Yoni throbs at midnight.

My Yoni throbs for you.

My Yoni throbs at midnight.

My Yoni is so blue.

gilbar said...

Either way, someone lied.
and, i'm pretty sure that the liar's name is E carol

Michael McNeil said...

Did you see that? Men whose semen exits slower than 27 mph when ejaculated!

Reminds me of that classic Larry Niven tale “Man of steel, woman of kleenex.”

Fritz said...

Does she have a semen chronograph, and does she insist on checking before first dates?

No advice columnist would ever resort to writing letters to herself, would they?

rehajm said...

At first I was thinking like the guy that sits behind home plate with the gun but I suspect its more like Dustin Johnson in golf with the Trackman- Doppler radar projection tracking.

Bay Area Guy said...

Her Yoni fits me like a flesh tuxedo!

I want to sink her with my bhaat torpedo!

(with apologies to Spinal Tap)

John henry said...

Nobody mentions the old Letters to Penthouse?

Originally a feature of the magazine they eventually spawned their own stand alone magazine.

Total fiction but always in this vein.

John Henry

rehajm said...

Snappish isn't an adjective you want to hear about it.

Shouting Thomas said...

There are so few women who talk dirty effectively.

It's an important skill.

The dirty talk should, ideally, be for the benefit of heterosexual men, not for your girlfriends.

That girlfriend stuff, done nowadays primarily to establish one's feminist bona fides, ain't gonna give any guy a boner.

Nobody said...

If she can sword fight, I am pretty sure she could learn to play golf well enough that you would enjoy being on the course with her. The letter is a prose poem, basically and a great one, at that.

It’s kind of reminiscent of the Epic of Gilgamesh:

He washed out his marred hair and cleaned up his equipment,
shaking out his locks down over his back,
throwing off his dirty clothes and putting on clean ones.
He wrapped himself in regal garments and fastened the sash.

When Gilgamesh placed his crown on his head,
a princess Ishtar raised her eyes to the beauty of Gilgamesh.
"Come along, Gilgamesh, be you my husband,
to me grant your lusciousness.'
Be you my husband, and I will be your wife.

I will have harnessed for you a chariot of lapis lazuli and gold,
with wheels of gold and 'horns' of electrum.
It will he harnessed with great storming mountain mules!

Come into our house, with the fragrance of cedar.
And when you come into our house the doorpost and throne dais will kiss your feet.
Bowed down beneath you will be kings, lords, and princes.
The Lullubu people' will bring you the produce of the mountains and countryside as tribute.

Your she-goats will bear triplets, your ewes twins,
your donkey under burden will overtake the mule,
your steed at the chariot will be bristling to gallop,
your ax at the yoke will have no match."

Gilgamesh addressed Princess Ishtar saying:
"What would I have to give you if I married you!
Do you need oil or garments for your body! Do you lack anything for food or drink!
I would gladly feed you food fit for a god,
I would gladly give you wine fit for a king!

[At this point Gilgamesh goes with a ’neg’]

...

Where are your bridegrooms that you keep forever'
Where is your 'Little Shepherd' bird that went up over you!

See here now, I will recite the list of your lovers.
Of the shoulder (?) ... his hand,
Tammuz, the lover of your earliest youth,
for him you have ordained lamentations year upon year!
You loved the colorful 'Little Shepherd' bird
and then hit him, breaking his wing, so
now he stands in the forest crying 'My Wing'!

You loved the supremely mighty lion,
yet you dug for him seven and again seven pits.

You loved the stallion, famed in battle,
yet you ordained for him the whip, the goad, and the lash,
ordained for him to gallop for seven and seven hours,
ordained for him drinking from muddled waters,'
you ordained far his mother Silili to wail continually.

You loved the Shepherd, the Master Herder,
who continually presented you with bread baked in embers,
and who daily slaughtered for you a kid.
Yet you struck him, and turned him into a wolf,
so his own shepherds now chase him
and his own dogs snap at his shins.

You loved Ishullanu, your father's date gardener,
who continually brought you baskets of dates,
and brightened your table daily.
You raised your eyes to him, and you went to him:
Oh my Ishullanu, let us taste of your strength,
stretch out your hand to me, and touch our vulva.


It’s way better than Genesis.

EDH said...

Men whose semen exits slower than 27 mph when ejaculated!

Wasn't that from an episode of Law & Order: Semen Victims Unit ?

Ingachuck'stoothlessARM said...

by which i mean E Carol writes fiction

yeah-- that's why we wonder if she's related to Lewis Carroll

As far as the "27 mph"-- cant stop thinking about a pitcher's waning fastball

Nobody said...

There are so few women who talk dirty effectively.

Check out the Kate Winslet episode of Ricky Gervais’s “Extras” on Netflix.

Nobody said...

“If any chap of good family and large income would like to contact Miss Maya K. Roy, call me at 845-544-0522 or email ejeancarroll@gmail.”

I suppose a prenup is out of the question...

gilbar said...

John henry said...
Nobody mentions the old Letters to Penthouse?
Total fiction but always in this vein.


wait a minute! what are you implying? What's fiction got to do with them?

rightguy said...

Maya sounds like WW : wanger worshiper.

BJM said...

Wouldn't you love to be a fly on the wall in Cooper Anderson's post interview staff meeting.

policraticus said...

FWIW, and I don't think it is worth much of anything, 27 MPH is about average speed for human ejaculation. Science would say 45 km/hr, and I think an Indian woman would, too. Who knows, maybe Carroll did the conversion for us.

How did they determine this? I cannot bring myself to google the answer to that question, but I am sure it is out there.

William said...

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.....There used to be a thing with Yale students thinking up bizarre problems and asking Ann Landers for advice on how to solve them. Any chance this is an elaborate put on, and E. Jean is playing along with it?

Ann Althouse said...

"Maya has an MBA and size 4 panties. She also shares the copyright on the book with Carroll."

True about the copyright. I checked the copyright page.

Sorry to have assumed she was ripped off.

Ann Althouse said...

"Snappish isn't an adjective you want to hear about it."

Yes, I think of the vagina dentata.

Also seems like something you'd expect from the other Carroll, Lewis:

"Without rest or pause—while those frumious jaws
Went savagely snapping around—
He skipped and he hopped, and he floundered and flopped,
Till fainting he fell to the ground."

Beware the frumious yoni...

Bob Smith said...

She had me at thin thighs. I quit reading.

Nobody said...

I think “snappish” is perfect and I don’t hold up any dictionary as the final authority of the definition of a word. What about the fresh elastic band of a new pair of whitey tighties? “Snappish” seems like a perfectly good adjective to me and a perfect word I would never have though of.

Darkisland said...

Blogger Shouting Thomas said...

There are so few women who talk dirty effectively.

Pauline Reage (Anne Desclos)
Anne Rice (As Ann Raquelare)

Both wrote highly effective deeply disturbing BDSM erotica that women are still slurping up 55 years later (in the case of Reage)

Though I do not really any actual "dirty talk" in either.

John Henry

Howard said...

Snappish implies the woman works her kagels religiously.

Danno said...

Fen said...The delightful young prostitute I had in Surabaya Indonesia was named Maya. We didn't have sex, I just wanted a female to lay next to after 6 months on ship.

Fen, Are you using the Bill Clinton definition or the regular one?

Nobody said...

Poets get to create new meanings for words.

wholelottasplainin' said...

A "Lovin' Spoonful" has 360 million sperm.

You can look it up!

Roughcoat said...

Althouse:



I bought it!

I plan on reading it to my spouse -- who does indeed share my sense of humor -- after treating her to a romantic, candlelit dinner.

Wowza!

P.S. Never forget: You are a LIONESS!

n.n said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ingachuck'stoothlessARM said...

WTF-- Kama Sutra meets "Jabberwocky"** !?!?

**by L.Carroll

n.n said...

Wasn't there an episode of Night Court that covered the same ground?

Once you hit light speed, it's customary to bow.

mccullough said...

Launch angle is as important as exit velocity. I think Maya invented Stat Cast.

Bushman of the Kohlrabi said...

Yes, I think of the vagina dentata

Must be a female thing. Most guys will think "tight".

Ingachuck'stoothlessARM said...

unless you're a turtle, then 'snappish'

Nobody said...

“Yes, I think of the vagina dentata”

One crazy coot in the middle ages mentions this idea and feminists have been trotting it around like Bernie in the famous movie ever since. The closes I have ever heard to this one from an actual male was a joke from junior high about a girl named “Sandpaper Sally."

Nobody said...

And I should have said “snappish like the waistband of a spanking new pair of size 4 panties."

Bay Area Guy said...

It would violate several provisions of the Americans with Disability Act for Maya to blatantly discriminate against men with slower than average sperm speed.

I would suggest that Chuck represent himself in Pro Per to fight this grave injustice.

Lux et Luna!

Yancey Ward said...

Where exactly is that middle finger going? And whose finger?

Yancey Ward said...

Leave Chuck alone! He is busily checking Trump's twitter to prove Trump has ever lied about his jaghana, his lingam, his camel, or the flow rate of his spooge.

Skippy Tisdale said...

men with small quantity of semen

Cum. It's what's for dinner.

n.n said...

A corollary to the light speed milestone, is hitting 10 on the Richter scale. Yes, master.

Earnest Prole said...

For all the men here so easily seduced by Maya, the letter gives every indication of being written by a man pretending to be a woman.

In other words, Finkle is Einhorn.

Jim at said...

How did Maya measure the ejaculation mph?

With a Jugs Gun.

etbass said...

Would it not be more appropriate to measure the rate in feet per second, seeing that the travel of said object is nowhere near a mile nor does the flow seldom approximate an hour?

Or how about inches per second or centimeters per second?

To save you the trouble, 27 MPH is 475.2 ips or 1207cps.

Michael McNeil said...

Scientific standard (mks) is meters per second. That would be 12.07 (or just plain 12) m s^-1.

Etienne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ken in tx said...

"Snappish" I saw a floor show in Thailand where a woman, using her yoni--"hee in Thai", converted a whole hotdog and later a banana into inch long pieces. She then shot an egg across the stage where an assistant caught it in a basket. He then cracked it open to show that it was a fresh egg and not boiled.

bagoh20 said...

I've been told that my semen at 25 mph is quite nice. Some people are just elitists.

Nichevo said...

Ann Althouse said...
"Snappish isn't an adjective you want to hear about it."

Yes, I think of the vagina dentata


You would. Snapping pussy is one of the few things on earth worth fighting over.

And no, Howard, it's not kegels, NTTAWWT. A snapper is just a gift. Sone women got it, some don't.