She started to deny me food, which meant I lost a lot of weight. I’d try and challenge her behaviour, but she’d turn it on me and find a way to make me the problem. I’d know it wasn’t my fault, but she’d keep convincing me. You end up thinking, ‘What am I doing wrong?’ Then you do something differently and they moan at you for being different. When she was telling me, "I don’t like the colour grey," or "I don’t like those shoes," I’d think, "Okay, I won’t wear them," because I wanted to impress her. But, in reality, she was moulding me into who she wanted me to be. It undermines your confidence. And you’re fighting a battle that you’ll never win. It’s so frustrating....
It took 18 months for the mental abuse to turn physical. It began when she started sleeping with a glass bottle next to her.... [S]he’d wait until I’d fallen asleep and smack me on the head with the bottle. She’d demand, "What are you thinking about?"...After the bottle, it was a hammer....
I could feel my body shutting down. I’d lost five stone in weight. Afterwards, doctors told me that I’d been 10 days from death because I’d been denied food for so long and my injuries were so bad. It all came to an end in 2018, when a police officer came round to the house to follow up their previous visit and questioned me.... My injuries were so severe by that point, and I was so gaunt after all the weight loss. I’d denied everything up until that point....
February 18, 2019
"Alex's partner was the first woman jailed for coercive and controlling behaviour in the UK. Now he's trying to fight the stigma around male domestic abuse."
BBC reports. Excerpt:
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
40 comments:
Article is too chatty to read - is there something physically wrong with this guy that someone else can "deny" him food?
The first time my wife smacks me with a glass bottle when I'm sleeping, is the last time.
"She started to deny me food, which meant I lost a lot of weight."
They don't have Fish & Chips shops in the U.K.?
This article does mention it but another one states that he has a brain injury that made him vulnerable.
Whole thing doesn't make sense. He can't just leave the whole situation?
One of the scariest sentences (talking about when they met at age 16): "She wanted to become a teacher."
Why don't they put Jordan Worth's actual name in the headline, so it's immediately obvious that Jordan Worth is the criminal here.
Does she have a sister?
Since it’s a dude, is it okay if I blame the victim?
The usual form is without the abuse, just not happy with anything done. There must be some satisfaction in it.
He can't just leave the whole situation?
They have two kids and he was worried if he left she’d start hurting them instead. I’m not sure what you’d have to do to properly document her behavior to ensure that if you left with the kids, you’d be able to keep them.
Even if serious, this is laughable.
Sorry about the bad link. Thanks for the help (though I've deleted it now).
This article does mention it but another one states that he has a brain injury that made him vulnerable.
I searched "Alex Skeel" "brain" and there are a lot of articles about him, but the only brain mentioned is brain damage caused by his Honey-bun.
If you find it hard to be sympathetic, maybe you should think about the way some people have mental problems or deficiencies that make them vulnerable.
He was also concerned about the children and he felt that he loved her.
Threats and cruelty can be effective.
It may be hard to seek help, and your contempt for his failure to seek help sooner may shed some light on why he found it difficult to tell people what was happening.
Is it possible for people to manipulate other people? Obviously the answer is yes.
Don't miss the CNN clip Scott Adams starts with today. Some lady diagnoses Trump's problem as having no sense of humor.
The vows are to stay with her regardless. "he felt that he loved her." Love winds up being responsibility, as its form.
My Honey-bun denied me a properly arranged face in my breakfast a little while ago; two eggs for eyes and sausage for nose and mouth were fine but there was only one ear like a dog that had lost a fight made from half a piece of toast because we're running out of bread since we probably live in a food desert.
True story!
What are other people supposed to do though? He's married to her and in this horrible situation, which is no one else's problem. Yes, it is very hard for him, as it has been for others before him and will be for others after him. What can other people say to him other than, you need to leave her? What can they tell him to do other than - report her to the authorities? I think most men realize that there are despicable women in this world, have been and always will be. Even the police know this... they see stuff like this everyday.
"that there are despicable women in this world"
It made sense to her. Women add complexity to any situation, which is called feelings owing to its short-circuiting abstraction that men like to do. So she acts on it.
You want her to abstract more. She's too woman.
I'd never put up with that unless the girl was really cute.
for a sec I thought this was the Weiner thread.
I've got Weiner up at the same time.
This isn't even remotely funny. If you think it is, if you question why he didn't just leave, you are the poster child for why he didn't admit to others there was a problem.
He was vulnerable because he loved her. She manipulated him and wore down his mental state to one of abject surrender and acquiescence. Cults do this to people. Mind games work, especially if something makes you vulnerable - like love. Or kids. Or you simply have a more compliant personality.
Until you have seen first hand how someone with a mental illness such borderline personality disorder can manipulate and abuse the significant other in their life and that abused individual simply cannot make the break, you will be one of those who will laugh at this guy for just not getting something to eat or leaving. And you won't have a clue how ignorant you are.
Domestic abuse f males happens far more often than assumed. It is complicated since we are all conditioned to think that only men are abusers and we still have a hard time wrapping our minds around the reverse. I've seen it, and the behavioral patterns are the same as female victims -- excuse making, seeming inability or unwillingness to leave or press charges, explosive emotions, etc.
We are still disinclined to believe men can be victims, dismiss it with jokes, or come p with a reason for why he deserved it. Read the recent thread on Lorena Bobbitt for a sample.
Karen of Texas,
You're right... but what does that have to do with anyone else? What are people supposed to do about it? What did you do about the Branch Davidians? Can we wish mental illness away if we just all wish it so?
There are several factors here. Firstly, and most importantly, it seems that the guy already had some mental issues that would make him susceptible to being abused.
Plus he was worried, and I think legitimately about his children should he leave. I don't know about the UK but in the US, when a couple with children split up, it is generally assumed that the woman is the best caretaker of the children and the man is cut off from his children. People just do not want to believe that a woman can be so abusive. So the man stays for the sake of the children.
People ask why he didn't leave, or how could he let it get this way.
Abuse starts so very slowly and with such small seemingly inconsequential things, that the victim often doesn't realize that it is happening. Gaslighting. Guilting. Blaming the victim, all happen to make the victim doubt their own reality and own feelings. Stockholm Syndrome also plays a part in the ongoing abuse.
It is all about power and control. Using the best feelings of the victims against themselves to continue the abuse. Love, loyalty, honor.
Sometimes it has to be so very very bad before the victim wakes up.
It is easy for someone who has never been in an abusive situation to say...just leave. It isn't that easy when you are in it.
Lyle asks What are other people supposed to do though?
That is a hard question to answer. I don't think there IS an answer.
Did he not have any friends or family? People who would warn him: "Hey dude. This is not normal. Your wife is abusing you."
Even IF he did have those friends who were worried about him, I suspect that their warnings, especially in the early stages would have fallen on deaf ears. He wouldn't want to hear it. He would refuse to believe it because he was already in the fog. He would defend his wife and defend his own delusions.
If she were physically harming him, (creating bruising, broken bones)that others noticed, I suppose that a police report or wellness check could be called in to have "the authorities" come and see what is going on. I also suspect that nothing would come of it because 1.) the authorities wouldn't believe it and 2.) he and his wife would deny it.
Short of kidnapping the abused person or personally physically removing them from the situation (as they do in cult deprogramming), there isn't much that you can do. Other than try and keep trying.
Dust Bunny,
That's very cliche... "it is easy from someone who has never been in an abusive situation to say... just leave. It isn't that easy when you are in it."
Who alive doesn't know this cliche? You're only learning about this guy's victimhood now. Where were you when you could have saved him from this wicked woman? How would you have gone about saving him... with your words and feelings?
"Bottle in front of me" meets "Frontal lobotomy"! Ouch!
How would you have gone about saving him... with your words and feelings?
You can read my words in my 10:35 post.
My feeling are that you can try to wake the victim up and do your best. Be persistent, but don't expect much because they will resist until the bitter end. Often they will cut you off from them completely. You can't help someone who isn't ready to be helped or who won't admit that there is a problem.
I can assure you that being IN an abusive relationship (as I was) is not a cliche to the person who is experiencing it.
"Short of kidnapping the abused person or personally physically removing them from the situation (as they do in cult deprogramming), there isn't much that you can do. Other than try and keep trying."
I think she did answer you, Lyle.
And kudos, DBQ. Your postings are right on and much more eloquent than mine.
No one respects male victims of domestic violence. Why is he putting up with it? Everyone thinks. Just say "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" and leave.
We have more sympathy for women because *supposedly* they're staying in the marriage because of the kids, or they can't support themselves.
Personally, I've never respected men who think with their dick or have no sense of self-worth. This guy seems like the 2nd type.
Psychological abuse is real abuse.
Even physical abuse has a strong psychological component. It's not like it's a knock down, drag out fight with the victim going ten rounds and losing on points. The victim is being psychologically pressured to take it without fighting back.
Once you accept those ideas, it's not a very big leap to see how some abuse could be mainly psychological, without a strong physical component.
"Why didn't he just leave?". And go where? How many domestic violence shelters take men in the UK or the US?
Relatives would be of little help, if he had any he could trust or could reach. Chances are good by the time he would be ready to try to leave, he'd have no friends - she'd see to that. In the US at least, she'd have his children as hostage, and a lien on his future earnings as a form of additional control.
Plus, of course, the mockery of men who are so sure such things would never happen to a "real man" - although by the time he's ready to try to leave, that would hardly matter.
First, you stay for love. Later, you stay for duty. Eventually, you seek to leave because if you don't, she will kill you or you will kill her, and that's not something you can do to the mother of your children. One way out is to kill yourself, of course.
Looks like a lot of people didn't read the whole article. A few thoughts that may be useful: I think that he looks a little odd and that she is pretty; I had the impression that he had no success with women before she came into his life and took over. There was a significant period of time at first when she acted normally. Gradually she began to assert control, play tricks on him "for fun," alienate him from his family and friends, undercut his self-esteem, and then act like a loving and fun companion from time to time just to keep baiting the trap. There's a picture of him from a few years ago taken with his mother and twin brother, and FWIW it gives the impression that he comes from a normal middle-class or better background. Hopefully his real family is healthy and supportive now---he's going to need that to raise those kids.
"What are you thinking" was a question my (now former) wife would ask me on occasion. I found it a bit odd. In retrospect, maybe I should have asked what she was thinking...
Are we talking about Republicans and media?
Or ???
Pre- Trump
Post Trump
I think the preponderance of the comments from men here are precisely the reason why abused men do NOT seek help to stop domestic abuse. It is hard enough for women to get assistance; but, for men it is nearly impossible. The system is currently set up to put men in the role of abuser and women in the role of the victim. When those roles are reversed (and they are are far more than reported), there is simply no will on the part of "authorities" to assist a "grown man" who is expected to fend for himself against a small frail woman.
The differential in beauty is a major social science finding (see Karon Dion here: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1973-04397-001 and here: https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/0224/8e450c51c93c38cbf989e0d737751ceace74.pdf
And this is certainly NOT a new problem nor uncommon. The Babylonian Talmud brings the following case: "It is a Duty to Divorce a BAD wife. So, why does he not Divorce? Perhaps he has Young Children or has No Money (to pay the Divorce Bill). So, what should he do? Learn loving kindness."
He endured as long as he could because he had small children and a crazy wife. He stayed as long as he did because after child support etc, he could not afford fish and chips. He practiced his Loving kindness by being a physical barrier between his attractive [crazy] wife and his children. EVEN Jordan Peterson will tell you that divorce is worse for childhood development than a bad marriage.
Of course, we all know that it is Trump's fault.
Post a Comment