July 13, 2014

Modern toilet paper has been traced to 1857 and an American inventor named Joseph Gayetty, who trumpeted his 'medicated paper' as 'the greatest necessity of the age!'"

"But it would take the public decades to decide they should pay for a product when there were so many free alternatives lying around, particularly when 'splinter-free' toilet paper... did not hit water closets until the 1930s."


Anonymous said...

1857 Toilet paper commercial:

Hello, folks, people call me the Water Closet Kid, maybe because I've plugged me a few rustlers in the water closet: when you're a scurrilous outlaw no place is safe to hide from the Water Closet Kid.

Now, when you're a gunslinger like I am every split-second counts, and nothing can slow you down like a ragged splinter in your hindquarters left by some inferior toilet bark: we've all had to deal with those nasty jagged splinters, and the swelling and infection they leave behind on your behind makes sitting in the middle of a cracklin' campfire sound right pleasant by comparison.

That's why I use Gayetty's Medicated Paper: I get my business done and I'm as clean as the day God made me. So when nature calls remember me, the Water Closet Kid, and use Gayetty's Medicated Papers: with Gayetty's you'll always be a straight shooter in the shitter, pardner.

Oh -- and a word to you outlaws: when I've plugged you twice in the gut but the ass splinters still hurt worse, you'll know my words to be true.

Oso Negro said...

I wouldn't know a thing about toilet paper with splinters, but baby wipes are the bomb.

Anonymous said...

1857 Toilet paper commercial:

Hello, folks, the Good Women out there may not know me but your husbands might: I'm Bernadette and I work at Madame Spurs' World Famous Harlot House in Galena, Kansas. And I'll tell ya: there's nothing sadder than a dusty cowboy, in town after months on the range, spending his hard-earned money and then he can't rise up to the occasion due to painful infected swollen ass splinters.

And it's true for us working girls, too: social diseases go with the job, but spending all day on your backside with abscessing ass splinters ain't no civilized way to make a living.

That's why I always keep Gayetty's Medicated Toilet Papers by my bedside: whether you're my first customer or the last I'm always clean to my best.

And for all you cowboys: I'll still pull those dreaded splinters out of your ass, but remember it always costs you extra.

Original Mike said...

Ah Ha! That's what the Farmer's Almanac hole is for! I can die untroubled now.

Gahrie said...

I often ask my students to imagine a historical figure was brought forward in time to today, what would amaze them the most. They usually answer TV, planes etc. At the end of the lesson, I give my answer, which is toilet paper.

The Crack Emcee said...

"'Splinter-free' toilet paper... did not hit water closets until the 1930s."

In San Francisco, my apartment has a "water closet" - a separate room with the toilet, paper, and assorted magazines (The New Yorker's always big) or other short-time-consuming amusements. I also saw some on the Oregon coast. France, too. Most everywhere else puts them together, with a sink and shower, or bath. You can learn a lot about people by their water closets.

In Utah, they build houses with full "bathrooms," but also lots of storage space and compartments, because they're (rightfully) paranoid. Being deliberately bizarre has brought hard times before and - even after securing a state - they still think it might be right around the corner, so they pretty much stay loaded for bear. How Mormon pride, such as theirs, manifests itself is wild:

They're a tough, and extremely-ignorant people, willing to submit to anything, pay any cost, suffer any degradation - except wrestling with the idea they've swallowed a load of perverted malarky.

And speaking of perverted malarky, let's not forget, when Sheryl Crowe was avidly looking to be Mrs. Lance Armstrong, she was also advocating for limiting the world to one (1) square of toilet paper, apiece, per water closet visit. Because she cares.

As fas as those "many free alternatives lying around" are concerned, the thought kinda makes the world, as we think we know it, look differently, doesn't it? What were white people doing?

I know, thanks to white folks, blacks couldn't use most bathrooms in America, so we went where we could, which (many times) meant on ourselves. Then they talk to US about not having shame - even today - without even catching a whiff of the irony floating around, so thick, it might as well be a London fog.

Traveling was even more of a Hell. Imagine it, as a family, with children.

This is the history conservatives say we should grateful for, because such treatment wasn't happening in Africa, as we can see by all the nice things whites have bought for themselves, here, because of it.

Kinda makes me wish the splinters were left in,...

Saint Croix said...

I feel very, very, very strongly about Cottonnelle. I sing your praises, Cottonelle. Damn fine toilet paper.

NotquiteunBuckley said...

"People call me" is great. I have improved on in to say "people call him."

So I say "his name is Barnie, people call him Barnett."

William said...

There's much to be said in favor of Cottonnelle . It puts finish to those who argue that progress is illusory.....Also please note that the quality of shoe laces has improved. I haven't had a broken shoelace in years. They were a bothersome part of human existence when I was young. No rabbit ears, soft toilet paper, and unbroken shoelaces. The world I leave is a better place than the world into which I was born.

The Crack Emcee said...


"I often ask my students,…"

OMG - no.

Surely, if children are the future, we're doomed,...

Al&Bea said...

You all should read thbook "Flushed with Pride" the story of (believe it or not, it is true) Thomas Crapper. He was supposedly the inventor of the flush toilet in the UK