February 9, 2014

If you're one of "Those Very Few in the Direct Intersection of Dylan Obsessives and Internet Meme Aficionados"...

... then betamax3000 has written a "Desolation Row" parody that you will be able to appreciate.

But he wonders if he took too much time, given the limited traffic at that intersection, and yet he didn't take the time to link to every meme, and I'm not going to do that either. Here's Wikipedia's "List of Internet Phenomena" if you need a reference. Everything's already listed at Wikipedia, maybe even before it really is a phenomenon — and there must be Wikipedia editors monitoring the list to prevent wannabe phenomena from leveraging their phenomenality by inserting themselves on that list — and that's one more reason why, as we were talking about yesterday, "Competitiveness about 'I know the Internet better than you do,' is really out of date."

Now, that's a quote from Instapundit, based on his observation: "Nobody 'knows the Internet' well enough to count anymore. Maybe a decade ago, but even then there was more than anyone could digest." But it's also paradoxically true that everybody already knows everything, or is so close to seeing what any given thing is — by consulting the endlessly updated "List of Internet Phenomena" and whatnot. (Do you know "whatnot" as an Althouse blog phenomenon? Are Althouse blog phenomena foremost in your mind?).

It's not worth being competitive about an activity that is so easy. Easy and impossible — those are the worst enterprises.

There should be a Wikipedia article "List of Easy and Impossible Enterprises." War, life itself, knowing God.... and whatnot.

So betamax showed up on that knowing-the-internet thread to say: "The Internet is Best Understood as the Longest Bob Dylan Song Ever." And I said:
I wonder if Bob goes on the internet.

And if he does, where does he go?

Does he keep a Google Alert on his name, like I do?

If he ever ends up here, does he find me (us) creepy?

Does he find everyone creepy?

He must go on the internet. How could he not?

He's out there traveling around, in hotels. What do you do in a hotel? Either you turn on the TV, you read a book, or you go on the internet. (I guess it's possible that you interact with in-the-flesh humans, but I don't think a 73-year-old man does that too much.)
More to the point, would Bob find betamax3000 creepy? Here's Bob's "Desolation Row." Purporting to quote an entity called "Naked Bob Dylan Robot," betamax writes:
They’re selling postcards of the meme
They’re painting the LOLcats brown
All your base is belong to us
Dysfunctional Family Circus is in town
Here comes the Sad Keanu
They’ve got him in a trance
One hand is tied to the Aww Yea Guy
The other Faps to Michelle Jenneke's Warm Up Dance
Fucking Magnets, How Do They Work?
They need Cool Story, Bro
As Althouse and Meade look on their iMac tonight
From Internet Meme Row

Cinderella, she has the Duck Face
“Your Argument is Invalid,” she smiles
And puts her hands in her back pockets
Keep Calm and Carry On style
And in comes Scumbag Steve, he’s moaning
“Can I Borrow Everything?”
And Good Guy Greg says, “You’re in the wrong place my friend
But You can take my Keys”
And the only sound that’s left
After the Honey Badgers go
Is Harp Darp Herp Derp Hurr Durr Durr
From Internet Meme Row

Now Imma Let You Finish
Bed Intruder is beginning to hide
The Hipster Mermaid
Has even taken Dating Site Murderer inside
All except for Epic Beard Man
And the hunchback of 4chan
Everybody is Om Nom Nom Nom
Or collecting Spam
And Leeroy Jenkins, he’s dressing
He’s getting ready for the show
He’s going out with Anti-Joke Chicken
From Internet Meme Row

Now Overly Attached Girlfriend, she’s ’neath the window
with a Kitten in a Bowl
On her twenty-second birthday
She already is RickRolled
To her, death is quite romantic
She waits on Ceiling Cat
Batman Slapping Robin
I Want My Hat Back
And though her eyes are fixed upon
Perfectly Timed Photos
She spends her time with White People Dancing
From Internet Meme Row

Einstein, disguised as Friendzone Johhny
with the Droste Effect
Passed this way with Pancake Bunny
and his friend, Almost Politically Correct Redneck
Unimpressed Astronaut
He Welcomes Our New Insect Overlords
Then went off with Prancing Cera
And going Full Retard
Now you would not think to look at him
But he was famous long ago
For 'Make Me a Sandwich, Star Wars Kid'
From Internet Meme Row

Dr. Filth, he Releases the Kraken
Shit Just Got Real
I Love Bell Peppers
The Whole Chuck Norris Deal
Now Chuck's nurse, some local loser
She’s in charge of the Bikini Bridge
Nicolas Cage wants Cake
and says Nuke the Fridge
They all play on pennywhistles
You can hear Super Mario
If you lean your Trollface out far enough
From Internet Meme Row

Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten
Put That Cookie Down
The Phantom of the Opera
Does a Barrell Roll with the Virgin Clown
They’re spoonfeeding George Takei
To get him to feel more assured
Then they’ll kill him with Shit That Siri Says
After poisoning him with Angry Birds
And the Phantom’s shouting to Emo girls
“Don't Tase Me Bro!"
George Takei is just being punished for going
From Internet Meme Row

Now at midnight Grandma Finds the Internet
And Old Spice's Terry Crews
They Come out and Summon Penguins
That know more than they do
Then they bring them to the factory
Where the heart-attack machine
Is strapped across Hot Dog Legs
And then the Krispy Kreme
It's brought down from the Almighty Loaf
Leave Britney Alone
It's 'Yeah Science Bitch'
From Internet Meme Row

Praise be to Bold Move Cotton
The Titanic was Pawnd
And everybody’s Printing Out the Internet
And shouting out 'Khan!'
And Keyboard Cat and Karma Whore
are Forever Alone
While calypso singers laugh and ask
Where Me Keys, Where Me Phone?
Neil deGrasse Tyson Reaction
So Zetta Slow
And nobody has to think too much
From Internet Meme Row

Yes, I saw your Youtube yesterday
About Honey Boo Boo
One Does Not Simply Walk into Mordor
They Don't Think It Be Like It Is But It Do
All these Memes that you mention
Yes, I know them, they’re quite lame
I had to rearrange their Harlem Shake
And give them all another name
Right now its all First World Problems
I Know That Feel Bro
Time for Yet Another Facepalm
From Internet Meme Row
That was when it was 9 below zero and 3:07 in the middle of the night. At  3:25 AM, he declared "I Think I Just Won the Dylan Internet," which — does this sound I-know-the-internet competitive? — is another internet meme. You won the internet.

You know there's no winning like losing, and that losing is not winning at all.


rhhardin said...

If you're into math, every morning you can publish truths that will outlast the universe on the internet.

Ann Althouse said...

The geometry of internet flesh on the bone is causing rh's math book to get thrown at betamax who's sitting worthlessly alone, and here at Meadhouse, our tears are from laughter.

David said...

Awesome. All that while I was paging through Ebay.

traditionalguy said...

I just wanted to take a peek at the latest post real quick, and now Betamax has me late for church. And I'll probably be breaking out laughing all morning.


harrogate said...

Well done!

Saint Croix said...

I got to stop skipping Althouse threads!

betamax3000 said...

Althouse, Thank You Very Much For the Post, and Thank You for Catching the "internet meme. You won the internet" -- I Thought I Was being Sly.

Ipso Fatso said...

It's Sunday. I have to go help God kill a kitten. Be back in a few minutes.

Sam L. said...

What I want to know is why there was no puppy blended by the Instapundit in it.

Sam L. said...

But, WOW, beta! You done goooooooood!

NotquiteunBuckley said...

I know "whatnot" from Rushmore.

FullMoon said...

I know something is happening here, but I don't know what it is..

Mr. D said...

That is outstanding.

jr565 said...

Wow, I coulnd't even finish the lyrics for Desolation Row let alone spend the time to make a parody of them. Props to betamax300-.

William said...

That was very well done by Betamax. If Althouse hadn't drawn attention, I would not have looked into that cafe.......That's life: a series of inconsequential events and, if perchance you do something noteworthy, such acts pass unnoticed unless they're monstrously evil.

William said...

In the Dylan meme, Dylan Farrow now tops Bob Dylan.