Althouse: "It's your day."

June 26, 2013

"It's your day."

Or is it?

30 comments:

Ron said...: Let's have all weddings use those IRS Nerf Footballs in some sort of 'bowl game' instead of a 'ceremony'. Bridesmaids could be cornerbacks and safetys; the grooms side provides linemen on both sides.

The loser has to pick up the tab for the whole thing...and, yes, sponsors should be allowed! Maybe a TV package....; 6/26/13, 8:44 AM
edutcher said...: I like the part where all the women in the wedding party have naked pictures taken of them.; 6/26/13, 8:47 AM
pdug said...: Here is an article from my friend Alastair on the same tiopic. He's a bit prolix, but he also demurrs from this encomia.

http://alastairadversaria.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/please-everybody-lets-not-dance-now/

"To my mind, this wedding dance represents a further example of the phenomenon of the bespoke wedding ceremony, the wedding ceremony where the expression of the personality of the couple is a primary concern, a phenomenon most typically seen in such practices as the use of self-composed marriage
vows. "

"Within these, many of us have been especially struck by the degree to which marriage is now widely conceived of in a manner that actively resists any institutional limitations on couples’ rights to self-fashioning. For instance, we are told that it should be ‘open to each couple’ to determine whether sexual exclusivity is something that they deem important in their relationship.

One of the most startling things to observe has been the manner that many of the most vocal advocates for same sex marriage are vehemently opposed to the notion that same sex couples should be exposed to the norms of a marriage culture, norms such as lifelong union, sexual exclusivity, and the general expectation that sexually active persons should move in the direction of marriage. Marriage is discussed in terms of social status and privileges, the right of individuals to express their love publicly and have it affirmed and validated, and the importance of having the choice to get married, with remarkably little positive said about the demands that marriage places upon those entering into it or the possibility that those who want the choice to get married may also rightfully be subjected to the expectation to, and to the other norms that come with the institution."

"When the institution of marriage has been weakened through changing divorce laws, the widespread practice and toleration of cohabitation, the deprioritization of the concerns of children, and other shifting cultural norms, what it means to get married will change too. The institution of marriage will have much less to offer many people. Less of a clear step into something very new, getting married becomes more akin to a sort of formalization of a de facto situation."

"Weddings have often been lavish and expensive affairs throughout human history. This isn’t new. The important development is the steady retreat of public institutional meaning and the rushing in of self-expression to take its place. When marriage starts to lose clear cultural meaning as an institution, and comes to mean whatever we want it to mean, the wedding is elevated as the couple’s definitive public performance of this meaning. Unsurprisingly, this encourages a sort of gentrification of the institution of marriage as the excessive weddings demanded by its new meaning put it beyond the financial reach of many from less affluent classes."; 6/26/13, 8:48 AM
TMink said...: That was a really mature perspective and an interesting essay.

Trey; 6/26/13, 8:52 AM
Jaq said...: My favorite part of a wedding used to be throwing rice while the newly married couple left the church. The last two weddings I have been to, the couple are kidnapped by the photographer, and the crowd basically melts away waiting for the big moment that never seems to come.; 6/26/13, 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Naked Bob Dylan Robot says: For Some Brides The Wedding Day is a Day of Mixed Emotions. These Mixed Emotions are Either Caused by the Life-Changing Import of the Day, or a Chemical Imbalance; possibly Both. As with Dealing with Volatile Chemicals the Bride Must Be Treated with a Steady Hand.

Now the medicine man comes and he shuffles inside
He walks with a swagger and he says to the bride
“Stop all this weeping, swallow your pride
You will not die, it’s not poison”

In this Context the Medicine Man Hopes to Render the Situation Inert.
Success Depends Primarily on the the Addition of Sedating Medications.; 6/26/13, 8:53 AM
Nathan Alexander said...: I've already started laying the groundwork with my daughter that the wedding is a wonderful occasion, but it is the start of happiness, and if that is the most important day in your life, you are sad (if not pathetic), because that means your expectation is everything after that is worse...including pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood, love, companionship, building a life with someone and seeing your plans work out, etc.; 6/26/13, 8:53 AM
I Callahan said...: I had a small wedding almost 20 years ago. No regrets whatsoever.

If your bride-to-be is fine with a small wedding, then you know that she's more interested in the marriage than the wedding. And if so, keep her.

I don't know how ANY of these guys could marry these selfish bitches.; 6/26/13, 8:53 AM
pdug said...: Tell her, however, “A wedding is about the merging of two families and cementing closer ties with your community,” and you can practically hear everyone’s wallets closing.

my favorite line.

of course, in the SSM debate, the liberals say "marriages USED to be about merging 2 families, and now it isn't so gay marriage"; 6/26/13, 8:54 AM
Anonymous said...: Bridezillas!!; 6/26/13, 8:56 AM
Henry said...: Is Godzilla female?

Mothra is female.

It should be groomzilla and bridethra. But bridethra doesn't really roll off the tongue.; 6/26/13, 8:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Naked Bob Dylan Robot says: In the Case of the Groom the Expectations of the Day are More Straight-Forward.

Whoo-ee! Ride me high
Tomorrow’s the day
My bride’s gonna come
Oh, oh, are we gonna fly
Down in the easy chair!

The Absence of Excessive Self-Awareness is the Easy Chair.; 6/26/13, 9:05 AM
Kelly said...: My daughter got married last summer. We were on our way to a smallish, traditional type wedding. The grooms family is pyscho, so we scrapped it all about two months before they were to be married. She ended up getting married on a cruise ship with just close family (mostly our side) and friends.

A cruise ship wedding may not be for everyone, but it was prefect for the bride wanting to avoid drama. Plus, the happy couple got to have the family and friends go on the honeymoon with them. Who wouldn't want that?; 6/26/13, 9:17 AM
edutcher said...: Have it out at the end of the pier at Sandals.

Cuts down the wedding party tremenjously.; 6/26/13, 9:21 AM
Eric the Fruit Bat said...: Wedding receptions serve no purpose for people like me who would have gotten drunk, anyway.; 6/26/13, 9:25 AM
bagoh20 said...: That all sounds truly dreadful. Every Bridezilla should be left at the altar in her beautiful gilded cage.

I don't know if there is anything uglier in the entire world of womanhood than the bridezilla. I'd rather be walking into a jail cell with some bull dike named "the castrator".

That type of attitude, and ceremony seems to be poison to the values required of a happy marriage. It spells doom, a horrible, endless doom.

I never even came close to meeting the right person for me, so I never married, but if there is a second reason, it would be the fear that my wife would turn into one of those.

I feel mostly pity for the poor groom, but if he can't see what he's getting into with that type, then he deserves it.; 6/26/13, 9:42 AM
Anonymous said...: The article doesn't go far enough; it's more than bridezilla, but wifezilla. Our modern culture has elevated the wife to a point of absurd prominence.; 6/26/13, 9:49 AM
Larry J said...: Last Monday, my wife and I marked our 30th wedding anniversary. The week we got married, one of the big 3 news magazines had the cover story, "Big Weddings, They're Back!" My wife and I had the smallest wedding allowed by law. We're still together. I wonder how many of those couples featured in the article can say the same.

People should plan their marriage far more than their wedding. The marriage ceremony and reception are over in a few hours while you hope the marriage is for a lifetime. I've read that the biggest cause of divorce in America is financial difficulties. Spending tens of thousands of dollars on a ceremony and reception hardly sound like getting a marriage off on a good financial footing. You could buy a car for that or put it towards a down payment on a place to live. God forbid anyone go into marriage with debts from the wedding!

People are free to make their own choices and should have to live with the consequences. It's your money to spend as you like. But please, think more of the marriage than the wedding and you're far more likely to have a successful marriage.; 6/26/13, 10:05 AM
MadisonMan said...: The way to have a small wedding is to have the bride/groom pay for it themselves.; 6/26/13, 10:34 AM
Nomennovum said...: Of course American weddings are all about the bride. Of course it's solipsistic. This will not change anytime soon. It's been this way a long time, it's gotten worse, and will continue to get worse as women's sense of entitlement continues to expand to the limits of the known universe.

I'd give specific examples as evidence of this, but we all know it's true. The groom is as much of a prop as the flower girl and ice statues are.; 6/26/13, 11:13 AM
madAsHell said...: The groom is as much of a prop as the flower girl and ice statues are.

True that!!; 6/26/13, 11:29 AM
Methadras said...: When my wife and I got married we decided to keep it small and invite a few close friends to the wedding and the after party. It was great. Now we see this ever increasing need to making weddings these gigantic affairs and frankly I blame celebreties and TV for this. They have romanticized and dramatized the wedding day as the brides affair only. Once again, misandry is in play here. The groom is left out in the cold, just having to sit there and wait for her to show up and it's all about her. Not a good way to begin a partnership of life. Well, unless you are a pussy and like it that way.; 6/26/13, 11:36 AM
Dear corrupt left, go F yourselves said...: Nuptials today are defined by your Pinterest board, of which there are a multiplying number of wedding-related ones, three-day destination extravaganzas, and $200 spoons from Michael C. Fina. So, many American weddings have evolved into a fixation with material details, trials of abject devotion by members of the wedding party, and resigned acceptance of bridal crusades for perfection that threaten to crush all in their path. Because, well, you deserve it—it’s your day.

Sad but true.

The endless pre-wedding shower parties are also annoying.
I like baby showers, but Wedding showers should be shunned and ridiculed.; 6/26/13, 11:39 AM
Deb said...: I've been to a couple of very lavish ones that must have cost tens of thousands. You could buy a new car or pay down on a house for what some weddings cost. I don't get it. A huge racket and a huge wast of money.; 6/26/13, 11:49 AM
Deirdre Mundy said...: We had a pretty big wedding, because we have a lot of family and friends and we were the first wedding in a while. We also had the reception at the KoC and had a pretty simple (but delicious!) buffet.

Through the whole thing, our mantra was "This is not really about us. It's a chance to give the families a chance to get together and celebrate."

I think that's a healthy attitude. A wedding, and a marriage, isn;t about 'a special day.' It's the start, not the culmination of the journey, and the journey is about bringing families together. (The wedding starts it, the grandkids really cement the process.)

The honeymoon, that's about you and your spouse. But the wedding? That's about EVERYBODY.; 6/26/13, 12:01 PM
Nomennovum said...: This is not really about us.

Well, that sure is technically true.

It's a chance to give the families a chance to get together and celebrate

... the bride's big day.

That's about EVERYBODY

... lavishing their attention on the bride.

It's the start, not the culmination of the journey, and the journey is about bringing families together

... and, in at least half cases, then tearing them apart.; 6/26/13, 12:33 PM
Unknown said...: Where I live I've noticed a trend toward no wedding reception at all.; 6/26/13, 1:12 PM
LordSomber said...: If one watches TV for any amount of time one would be convinced that weddings are more important than marriages to the modern woman.

Good thing real life isn't like that.; 6/26/13, 1:15 PM
Deirdre Mundy said...: Actually, it was really not about 'attention for the bride.' More "attention to the parents and grandparents of the couple." And the great aunts. There were lots of happy old people involved.

And, honestly, I think that sort of thing contributes to the long-term stability of the marriage.

But, on the other hand, I'm the bride who panicked before the wedding because I didn't want everyone looking at me, so.....

Also, being Catholic, at some point, the Eucharist really takes center stage. As it should!; 6/26/13, 1:28 PM
Unknown said...: My dad was terminally ill when we got engaged. We had a short engagement, hoping he would be with us. While planning, my dad asked me if I wold consider having the reception at the hospital where he was intending to have a heart transplant. I didn't realize how close he was to needing the transplant, and brushed off the question. I would have done it, and I hope he knew that I would have.

He died about a month before the wedding. His best friend walked me down the aisle.; 6/26/13, 2:21 PM