September 10, 2011

"I would tell people now to go about their lives. There's no need to panic."

"I want to urge all of our citizens ... to remain calm... At the same time... remain vigilant."


ironrailsironweights said...

Guaranteed that nothing will happen. This is Example 7,841 of the nonexistent "terror" plots that the government solemnly warns us about, and which prove to be a whole lot of nothing.


Jason (the commenter) said...

What kind of meds does he recommend to achieve such an state, and where do we buy them?

ndspinelli said...

"Wolf...Wooooolf"!! Hurricane...Huuuuuricane"!! "Global warming" Glooobal warming"!! "Terrorist attack"!!

rhhardin said...

Today's the day the teddy bears have their panic.

Palladian said...

That Obama, constantly trying to scare the sheeple with terrorist boogeymen!

NYTNewYorker said...

Oh my, look at Bloomie, all in charge and everything.

Paddy O said...

Calm down, get a hold of yourself!

Pogo said...

It's never too early to panic.

I recommend spending 5 minutes or so of every waking hour in a panic, until the official word comes to tell you to stop.

How to Panic
1. The first stage of panic is to be distracted by any and all sensory input. Make your mind cluttered and unable to manage a million simultaneous demands.

2. Walk aimlessly and rapidly in the traditional agitated posture or sit in any position that is uncomfortable.

3. Turn your attention to your breathing. Breathe in a rapid, shallow, irregular pattern until you feel a little lightheaded. Begin to feel as if you are going to suffocate.

4. Try to concentrate on every fleeting thought to the exclusion of reason. Ask of each sound or fleeting image in your peripheral vison, "What was that? Feel certain it meant you harm.

5. Begin to notice how odd your hair feels, as if it does not belong to you, and that your skin crawls, and there is an itch here and now there. It's probably cancer.

6. Invite an overwhelming sense of impending doom. Drink deeply of it. Swim in it. This is surely the end.

7. Once the all-clear is announced, change your underwear, then get totally blotto.

Pogo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beta Rube said...

Can I go about my life if it includes salt and fried food?

How about a smoke at a pub? Never trust a nanny stater when it comes to the freedom to go about your life.

EDH said...

Firesign Theater, precient.

Poop's on the Radio!

Student 2: Hey, Porgy! Hey, Porgy! Principal Poop's on the radio. Turn the car radio. Poop's on.

Porgy: Ok, well, gather round kids and stay on camera. We'll all listen together.

Principal Poop: All of us want to know... just as much as I want to know who's responsible...

Bottles: Communist Martyrs High School, that's who's res...

Porgy: Shhh, Shhh

Principal Poop: and until we do I must make my dirty cl... duty clean... clear and announce the suspendering of the upcoming graduating exercises.

Porgy: Oh no!

Principal Poop: which can not... and will... which aren't taking place.

Porgy: I'm never gonna get out of here!

Principal Poop: But don't worry! Don't worry! Your food, housing, insecurity, will be guaranteed by the Department of Redundancy Department and the Natural Guard.

Mudhead: Hey, there gonna surround us!

Principal Poop: And remember trust pressers will be persecuted. So please, stay where you are, don't move, and don't panic! Don't take off your shoes. Jobs is on the way.

Porgy: Golly!

Principal Poop: Thank you!

EDH said...

s/b "prescient" (above)

Phil 3:14 said...

Don't Panic

Phil 3:14 said...


Phil 3:14 said...

Lol, Paddy O, great minds...

edutcher said...

Nothing like the words of two gutless, mealy-mouthed, PC, dhimmi, Lefty politicians to make one feel secure

Phil 3:14 said...


Firesign Theater. Excellent.

Nick Danger

Cedarford said...

"The Islamoids have talked about setting off a car bomb!"
"People could be killed."
"We could be doomed! Doomed! Because the terrorists only have to get lucky once, and they win!"
"All we can do is keep our trust, and our tens of billions going, to the Heroes of Security and give homage to them and their Uniforms. Because they have to be perfect every time!"

Crimso said...

Anyone remember "al-Qaeda determined to strike in the U.S.?" According to some people I am friends with on FB (who otherwise seem fairly reasonable and intelligent), that was supposed to have been acted on. Somehow.

As an aside, I am an old friend of the head of Homeland Security's tunnel defense program ("Resilient Tunnel"). Last night it occurred to me that he's probably not going to get any sleep for a few days. I'm guessing his pucker factor is high.