July 2, 2009

"Eating in France..."

"... dying inside."


Beta Conservative said...

You can also get abducted by Albanians, drugged, and sold into a life of sexual slavery.

Which is why I'm heading over in spite of the food.

Liam Neeson can mind his own business.

former law student said...

I don't understand how a fish meal could involve sand, unless it was served with its digestive tract intact. And French children are expected to behave in restaurants, like the dog quietly resting under the table. The semi-feral children to be found in America's "family" restaurants would not be tolerated there.

Fred4Pres said...

The food in France is fine. I am an oyster snob and even raw French oysters in Paris are good. No sand. No food poisoning (which of course is of course derived from the French word for fish). Yes avoid the tourist traps, and the French are anal retentive about their business hours, and they do hate kids, but the food there is actually quite good. By a guide book on inexpensive eating in France.

Still, that blog was very funny.

I will say this, countries that were colonized by France have better food than countries colonized by the British. A Vietnamese sandwich on a french roll in Saigon is sublime. Lebanon has incredible food. Morocco has great cusine. I could go on and on. The only exceptions to that rule are India, Hong Kong and Singapore--and that is no thanks to the British (and the only postive influence the British had on Indian cusine is combining it with binge drinking of beer).

Fred4Pres said...

Excuse me, buy a guide book...

The Drill SGT said...

I've spent a lot of time eating overhyped over sauced frog "high cuisine".

I do love the food of Alsace and Normandy. Peasant food :)

MadisonMan said...

Has the author ever been outside Paris? I can't tell from his writing. Paris != France.

Joan said...

MM, I had the same thought. I've spent only a few days in Paris but several traveling through the country to Brittany, and the food outside of the city was uniformly good, although the points about the limited hours of availability still held.

The Drill SGT said...

Paris != France.

and NYC = USA.

same thing.

too many rude opinionated egotistical people in both towns.

ricpic said...

Her claim that you're out of luck if you don't eat at certain designated hours is bunk. You can get a croque monsieur (ham and cheese sandwich) almost anywhere in Paris at anytime of the day.

KLDAVIS said...

Wow, he's unbelievably wrong about everything (except maybe the strict hours of restaurants in smaller villages). And, if you're that starving, find a take-away sandwich place or a cafe and have some coffee and a pastry. Outside of Chicago, Paris is my absolute favorite city to eat in.

Iapetus said...

Not my experience EVER in Marseille or anywhere else in Provence. My wife and I have always dined well---sometimes too well for our waist lines---and always found the service to be quite decent, both polite and efficient.

chuckR said...

Spent all of an April and half of a May, too, in Paris. I enjoyed it mightily and my wife joined me for most of the last week. We had some really nice dining experiences. However, the last night of her stay, we went to a romantic Montmartre tourist trap. Hey, it was romantic.

We had the same meal except for the soup, which is how I came to hate the very thought of French onion soup. She was fine. Me? Worst effin' food poisoning ever. As she departed, my wife's view was of me puking on the sidewalk while hanging onto a lamppost. So, fifty days of great experiences, one not so great.

CarmelaMotto said...

ricpic, she mentioned that if you don't mind having grilled cheese all the time, "hold the ham, oh you won't? OK."

Fred 4 Pres - there are no French Oysters. Their sea beds died along time ago and they re-seeded their oysterbeds with Japanese Oysters

Ralph L said...

I saw a bakery near my brother's house in CT called "The Ovens of France," and immediately thought of deathcamps. I believe it folded, it kneeded to, hope it won't rise again.

I would love to go to Italy, but my digestion is kinda squirrelly, so I'll continue to see Europe in photos.

That crepe would have looked pretty tasty without the vomit picture above it.

Chip Ahoy said...

Ha ha ha. Funiest blog post ever! Mr. Macho Crack Emcee, ya know what you could use? I have just the thing -- a good Reiki session.

But no, srsly. There is a very affordable French restaurant a few blocks from my house, popular since the early 80's called Le Central, their specialty is moules, and they are quit good. But do you know what? In my mind, the true test of a place is the bread that comes in the little baskets, which in a French restaurant you'd expect to be the best but I am so often disappointed. Naturally, I'm forced to compare it with my own sourdough bread made from a culture I collected myself so I'm inevitably disappointed when presented with the commercial type, frozen then under proofed and carelessly baked.

* POP! *

I pop my mouth with my hand, which is very French.

Ralph L said...

their specialty is moules,
A friend's cat used to love these. He'd eat their little heads and leave the body at their door as a trophy.

Synova said...

"And French children are expected to behave in restaurants, like the dog quietly resting under the table."

Heh. Maybe our feral children aren't so bad after all.

Sometimes unfamiliar foods can cause a problem, just because they're unfamiliar.

I bought and ate whatever appeared to be actual food, from street vendors or whatever, in the Philippines (I knew people who absolutely refused to eat anything 'off base') without ever getting sick. After a week in Costa Rica I picked up something intestinal, but that might have been from the water rather than the food. My husband and a co-worker actually got a severe case of food poisoning here in Albuquerque that actually required a doctor and medication... which is sort of remarkable. Usually a person is never sure it was food poisoning because you throw up and it's over.

Too much capsicum will do it but that's not, you know, food poisoning. ;-)

former law student said...

Usually a person is never sure it was food poisoning because you throw up and it's over.

I once had a case of food poisoning -- it is the benchmark for me. My mother figures in this, but it was entirely my fault:

My mother was making dinner early because she had her weekly club meeting followed by dinner out with some of the club members. I was going to a friend's house for a half-hour, so she asked me what I wanted her to do.

I said, just make me a plate and keep it on the pilot light.

Well, I ended up losing track of time at my friend's house, and got home around 11. The plate of food was still on the pilot. It still looked good, still tasted good, so I ate it.

Biggest mistake of my life. My entire GI tract purged itself. I will spare everyone the details, but it was certainly not a case of "just throw up and it's over." I was not able to even smell food again for three days.

mariner said...

@Ralph L.:
their specialty is moules,

A friend's cat used to love these. He'd eat their little heads and leave the body at their door as a trophy.

Mussels have heads?


It's been years since I've been to France, but I had some memorably good meals there, some mediocre ones, and no memorably bad ones.

I did eat once at the McDonald's on the Champs- Elysees, just because ;)

NKVD said...

I carried my own food with me. But I did buy a cuban cigar and smoke it walking down the Champs Elysees. I liked Paris a lot. Life was good.

The Crack Emcee said...

Hey Y'all (and thanks, Ann: wow - between you and Glenn, the number of visitors are overwhelming - such fucking power you two hold:)

Folks, I quoted Lisa Schiffren talking about the tourist experience of Paris (which almost all of you are referring to as well) while I was talking about eating in "France" - the country - so MadisonMan's "Paris! = France" shit don't wash: I lived all over the damn place, off and on, over the course of 20 years - especially Alsace, where my killer ex-wife is from. Your various Paris experiences are as real to the state of the country as The Drill Sgt's "NYC = USA" analogy. "Get a guidebook", Fred4Prez? Please: go somewhere other than the biggest and most popular city over there - and actually stay for awhile - and, like me, you'll run screaming from that racist, socialist, insane asylum.

And, finally, a confession:

After all my bitching about being ignored, Ann, you got me:

For the very first time, I don't know what I'm going to say on my own blog.

I guess I'll do another post on France, but it's definitely going to have a NewAge/cult angle - this is one opportunity that's too good to pass up.


Contrary to popular belief (or my online image) I do have (a few) "good days" and this is one of them: I made over $1, 400.00 at work today and now this kind of exposure - it's amazing. If I can keep this up - and get a few donations through TMR - I'll be out of debt soon (my killer ex and her quack doctor ran away to France with all of my money - out of reach of the American courts - but not exactly the french ones) and I'll be able to get back to what I think my true calling is, for the time I have left:

Becoming American Conservatism's first black musical troubadour.

That, in my opinion, will be a true civil rights milestone in the making - and one I think you should all support. Don't forget: Martin Luther King was a Republican,...

Ann Althouse said...

Crack, keep up the good work. You're very funny and wild and you have a strong visual sense too. The pics were great.

KLDAVIS said...

Crack, I get the point you're trying to make, but I don't think it's nearly as bad as you suggest. I had the best meal of my life in Alsace (l'Arnsbourg, the epitome of a Michelin ***). The little towns are really just tourist traps with giant wine co-ops as far as I can tell, but Strasbourg was quite nice.

The Drill SGT said...


am a big fan of Hotel Restaurant L' Ami Fritz in Ottrott

Fritz's Mama referred us. She runs a wine place across the street :

The Crack Emcee said...

KLDAVIS,I almost feel stupid saying this but, of course, there's good everywhere. Strasbourg's a great town and good places to eat are plenty.

But, just as true is, this never ending worship of France is sickening: They're still using roads cut by the Romans, for Christ's sake. And France is one of the most inconvenient places in the Western world. For instance, you can use a cell phone all over Europe, until you get to France. Then you have to buy one of theirs. Many places won't even accept an American Express card (!?!) and, honestly, if I never hear the phrase "We do not have" again (when I'm ordering something from a menu) that'll be fine by me.

The TGV is fine - as long as you like sleeping upright, even in First Class, where things can get comically horrible. (I don't have time, right now, for train stories but those bastards can really test your patience when they think you've got no place to go - or won't set them straight - which I was, eventually, more than happy to.) Why doesn't anyone report or talk about those kinds of things? Why is this France/Great, America/Bad thing out there when, in truth, half of France would leave for here in a second if they could, while most Americans would find the lack of freedom, lack of opportunity, and lack of understanding so stifling they'd want to nuke the joint? It makes no sense. Why the self-loathing when we have it all compared to them?

On most days in the U.S., I can make a list of things to accomplish that's, at least, 5 to 20 items long. And, if I have a car, I can get most, if not all of them done. In France, you'll be lucky if you can do three, what with the traffic jams from the tiny roads (which is why they live, much more, through their cell phones: they're calling each other, constantly, to cancel, or reschedule, meetings. And what meetings they have: every doofus gets a chance to speak whether they make any sense or not. Even if everyone knows someone is a total waste of time, they get the same amount of attention - or even if a solution to the problem has already been found. Talk about time consuming and maddening.) I've seen school teachers with up to 10 assistants - what they refer to as "functionaires" - doing nothing but make-work or drawing with crayons. 9 guys standing around a pothole, with two working and the other 7 smoking for 8 hours.

Yea, France is an absolutely wonderful place compared to America - if you're a retard.

Sigh. I guess, for the sake of time, I ought copy this and write more, turning it into a post. Stay tuned.

The Crack Emcee said...

Oh, and thanks, Ann - for the link and the kind words:

I read you because, whether I agree with you often or not, you've got an artist's mind, and sensibilities, and I respect that. I just wish you'd defend right and wrong more:

As much as I enjoy the circus, myself - and, believe me, I can/do - we're a country in need right now. As one of my favorite lyrics says:

"There's a time and place for everything, but this ain't either one."

Get it? Not bad, huh? Yea - chest swelling out - I wrote that shit.