October 17, 2008

Beauty secret: nightingale droppings.

The Telegraph reports:
Shizuka cleaned my face with two cleansers - one clay and the other containing green tea, ground pearls, sake and Mount Fuji water, bottled at the source.

Following that, she mixed the nightingale droppings - which are powdered and sterilised using UV light - with rice bran and water to make a paste.

The concoction smelt pungent, but medicinal rather than unpleasant. She applied the droppings, and then massaged them into my face for five minutes.
Why nightingales, exactly? Why not any old bird's shit?


Freeman Hunt said...

Ha. That is so gross. I like going to a spa on occasion, but if I showed up and they told me, "Okay, we're going to put poop on your face..." Well, I don't even know what I would say to that; I just know that I wouldn't let them.

Windbag said...

The treatment costs almost $200. I'll spread bird crap on any takers for $50, and that's a bargain.

Revenant said...

The moral of this story is that there is that there is a certain subset of Westerners who will do practically anything if you spin it as some sort of secret remedy from the Far East.

The really silly bit isn't even the nightingale droppings -- it is the crushed pearls. That's just calcium carbonate, and there are a hell of a lot cheaper ways to get it than crushing a pearl.

Ron said...

Either the bird droppings will make you sing like a nightingale, or sing like shit! Either way, you're a twit!

Chip Ahoy said...

Ha ha ha ha ha.

You crack me up.

jdeeripper said...

Vitali Klitschko used his son's wet diapers to keep his fists from swelling up after winning his WBC heavyweight title bout against Nigeria's Samuel Peter, the Ukrainian told a German newspaper on Tuesday.

Klitschko said he wrapped them around his hands and it helped him recover.

"Baby wee is good because it's pure, doesn't contain toxins and doesn't smell," the 37-year old boxer told Bild after he won back the WBC title on Saturday.

"I wrap nappies filled with my three-year-old son Max's wee around my fists," he said, adding he got the idea from his grandmother. "The nappies hold the liquid and the swelling stays down."

I don't know why a three year old is still wearing diapers.

Original George said...

Just how much abuse will you be able to take?

You could be known as the most beautiful woman
Who ever crawled across cut glass to make a deal.

There's only one step down from here, baby,
It's called the land of permanent bliss.

What's a sweetheart like you doin'
In a dumpy blog this?

You gots ta check out that tell-tale shee-it.

Eva said...

They've been doing these at Ten Thousand Waves in Santa Fe for a couple of years. I booked my husband for one last Christmas. But I usually just get a Master's Massage. Make of that what you will.

rhhardin said...

Doberman hair scattered on clothes brings good luck.

madawaskan said...

Maybe it's something special that nightingales eat.


Roman said...

How long does it take to train a Nightengale to crap into those little bottles? No wonder it costs so much. This must be God's way of telling you that you have too much money!

Methadras said...

Ugh!!! The things women and now some men will do for beauty and vanity. Idiocy.

madawaskan said...

it was thanks to the droppings, which contain an enzyme called guanine that leaves the skin clean, smooth and supple.

Trooper York said...

When we were last in Hawaii the wife scheduled us for a "milk bath." The spa had both a man and a woman’s side but you went to a private room for the couple’s treatment. So I was waiting around for my wife to finish her manicure I went to the little ABC shop across the road. When they come out they started laughing their ass off.

I had bought six bags of cookies.

What the hell do I know about a freakin Milk Bath?

Pundit Joe said...

I discovered, in my freelance web dev days, that I would get more clients by charging higher rates.

The basic idea is that some folks with think anything, even poop, has value if the price tag is high enough. Hmmm, I think I just compared myself to bird poop.

Revenant said...

the droppings, which contain an enzyme called guanine

Is "guanine" a typo? Practically everything that is or was once part of a living creature contains guanine. It is one of the five molecules that make up DNA.

The blurb almost might as well say "the droppings contain a chemical called dihydrogen monoxide".

rhhardin said...

Other sources of exotic skin lotions.

Trooper York said...

RH you freak me out man.

Pastafarian said...

Who knew that getting shit-faced can be so therapeutic?

This reminds me of a joke I heard as a child: Three explorers are leading a safari into the African bush, and they hear a strange call -- "Foo, foo, foo", and one is shat upon by a great bird. He starts to wipe it off, but a guide tells him "No, don't wipe it off! This is the Foo Bird, and you mustn't clean off the poop!"

He disregards the warning, wipes it off, and immediately falls into seizures and dies horribly.

The party continues into the jungle until "foo, foo, foo", and another explorer is covered in crap. This time, the explorer doesn't immediately clean it off; but after a while, he can't take the smell anymore, so he cleans it off, and dies.

At this point, the guides are terrified and run off, leaving the last explorer. Sure enough, he hears "foo, foo, foo", and he's shit upon. He left the shit on, and he still wanders the bush to this day, wreaking of shit, but very much alive.

And the moral of the story:

If the Foo shits, wear it.

It was very funny when I was in the fifth grade.

EDH said...

It's cheaper to go to the corner bar and get shit faced.

Jennifer said...

Bird shit is the secret to great Japanese skin? Whatever. I think we can thank genetics for that. I remember all the way back to middle school when I noticed that Japanese people on the whole had nicer looking skin than "haoles". I chastised my mom for marrying a white guy and tossing half my good skin genes. And, I'm pretty sure my fellow 12 year olds weren't smearing bird shit on their faces.

Meade said...

"Why nightingales, exactly? Why not any old bird's shit?"

Guy outside Kroger selling toothbrushes.
Me: No thanks, I'll just buy one inside.
Guy: Okay. Care for a cookie?
Me: Sure, thanks. PWYECH! This cookie tastes like BIRD SHIT!
Guy: It IS bird shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

KLDAVIS said...

Can you combine this with the fish food pedicure? So fish on feet, bird on face...maybe have a Kobe beeve nibble your hair? They'll call it natural styling.

hdhouse said...

highly organic

Freeman Hunt said...

As Rev pointed out, many (heck, all) of these special, natural spa treatments are really a ripoff. Want young-looking skin? Use alpha-hydroxy acid gel everyday (or night) before applying an antioxidant rich moisturizer. And it doesn't have be some special alpha-hydroxy acid either. Just plain old cheap alpha-hydroxy acid gel. Like having a teensy chemical peel everyday.

Good nutrition helps too.

nicoleh said...

I wouldn't pay 200 bucks for a spa treatment but I was definitely willing to pay 17 plus shipping for my nightingale pooh. It doesn't diminish wrinkles, but it absolutely makes my skin more even in tone, lighter and fresher in appearance. I'm very satisfied and will definitely continue to use it. Oprah was right!