Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"Much more at the link, of course, and, if we're lucky, in the comments.
September 23, 2008
"Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
Looking for a link for that old George Burns joke -- I needed to add it to the "in the comments" update to the first post of today -- I turned up this old Ask Metafilter page looking for the most intellectual jokes:
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Rene Descartes hears his doorbell ring. Opening the door, he looks upon a Girl Scout.
"Wanna buy some cookies, mister?"
"I think not," Descartes says, and promptly vanishes.
This isn't intellectual; it's more of a geeky joke:
"Good Lord, Edwin, what happened to the cat? He looks half dead."
-Mrs. Schrödinger"
Mickey Spillane hears his doorbell ring. Opening the door, he looks upon a Girl Scout.
"Wanna buy some cookies, mister?"
"Go peddle you posion somewhere else sister," and slams the door in her face.
Then he opens the door and says "Come back in ten years and we will talk" and slams the door again.
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
Winston Churchill to Lady Astor: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it"
Bwa-ha! A good one from the page the professor linked:
"Two psychologists walking along a road find a severely beaten man lying broken and bleeding in the gutter. The first psychologist turns to the other and says, "The man who did this needs our help.""
Bret Farve hears his doorbell ring. Opening the door, he looks upon a Girl Scout.
"Wanna buy some cookies, mister?"
"Sure," Farve says, and reaches into his pocket for some money. But as he does, he twists his ankle and throws the money across the lawn where it is intercepted by the paperboy who pedals away with the dough.
“Boy you suck, mister.”
That would be better if the Girl Scout was selling cheese.
I am a history geek, so here is another one:
Air raid shelter in Berlin, 1940 under RAF attack. Joachim von Ribbentrop to Viacheslav Molotov:
- Britain is doomed.
Molotov replies
- Then why are we sitting here?
Barack Obama hears his doorbell ring. Opening the door, he looks upon a Girl Scout.
"Wanna buy some cookies, mister?"
"Sure," Obama says, and reaches into his pocket for some money. But when he turns his pockets inside out and finds nothing but lint. He looks inside the breakfront and turns over all the pillows of the couch.
“Sorry I was hoping for some change.”
“Boy you suck, mister.”
“Racist.”
One of my favorites--
Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a polieceman. The officer approaches Heisenberg's window and asks, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull?
Black people don't like hockey moms.
If Mort were awake he would say that was racist.
What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull?
A hairy lip?
Naked man wrapped in cellophane walks into a therapist's office and asks if he can make an appointment. Therapist responds,
"oh, come right in, I can clearly see you're nuts."
What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull?
All pitbull puppies are retarded.
I know, I know, I am a dick.
But funny is funny.
Trooper, watch out for that lighting strike, it's coming.
er...lightning, no bulbs involved.
Hey Jesus has a great sense of humor. If he didn't how could you explain the New York Mets. Hee,hee.
Or the Kansas City Royals...
What't the difference between Trooper York and a Pitbull?
Accessories.
But where or where can you buy accessories to wear? Where? Where? I just don't know.
Yesterday I saw a man with really nice accessories. He told me the Giants weren't going to be the defending Super Bowl Champions next year. He then threw dirt on everything in his sight (I ducked behind the umbrella I always carry for such an eventuality). But boy he had nice accessories!
He was an accessory to a grime.
Thank you, I'll be here all night.
Jesus' humor also explains the Michigan Wolverines.
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.
-- Steven Wright
AA
That seems to be a refurbished East German joke, from the 1970s probably. I heard this as kid in the early 80s, in the FRG I hasten to add:
East German Hausfrau goes into a shop. She walks up to a counter (imagine empty shelves everywhere): " Do you have sausages ?" Sales"person": "No, around here we only have no vegetables".
I prefer the Sartre version. The café should be in the St. Germain quarter of Paris, of course, not just somewhere in France, preferably the "Les Deux Magots".
As you seem to be in the mood for inanities today, a real French joke from the 50s:
Motorist comes into the mayor`s small, primitive office in a very small peasant village.
"Monsieur le Maire, I am very sorry. Do you have black cows around here ?"
Mayor: "No, Monsieur"
"Or black donkeys"
Mayor: "No, Monsieur"
- Sweat breaks out on the man`s forehead. -
"Or very large black dogs"
Mayor: "No, Monsieur"
"In that case I have just run down your curé (catholic priest)"
The Onion's headline on the death of French philosopher and deconstructionist Jacques Derrida:
Jacques Derrida 'Dies'
(Well, I thought it was funny...)
Madison Man you are the best.
We are posting a video of our trunk show so you might get to see Trooper York in all his jiggly paunchy flesh. Yikes!
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A tree in the golden forest.
Camille Paglia hears her doorbell ring. Opening the door, she looks upon a Girl Scout.
"Wanna buy some cookies, miss?"
"No thank you little Girl," Paglia says, “but please come back when you are selling some fish tacos.”
“Boy you suck, lady.”
“Sexist.”
Knock Knock-
Lord Baden-Powell answers a knock at the door. It's a Girl Scout (okay, a Girl Guide).
"Would your grace like some cookies?" asks the timid little girl.
"I'd rather eat an Olive" replied his Lordship.
Popeye hears his doorbell ring. Opening the door, he looks upon a Girl Scout.
"Wanna buy some cookies, mister?"
”I'd rather eat an Olive" replied the sailor.
Well, yes, that's better. I could only think of a famous Olave, not a famous Olive. Shame on me.
Chancellor Palpitine feels a shimmer in the force. Using the force, he opens his front door. He Lukes upon a Girl Scout.
"Wanna buy a cookie mister?"
"Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design! Give me a box of Do-Si-Dos!"
Sincere Female compassion....
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you
ever been f****d?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"
She said "You will be when the tide comes in".
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
His name is Sandy.
He has a brother in the forest. Named Russell.
And a brother at the front door. Named Matt.
He has a sister with one leg. Her name is Eileen. She moved to Japan and changed her name to Irene.
That joke is used in Greta Garbo's 1939 movie Ninotchka.
So this woman comes to her family's Christmas party with her new husband who is a basket.
He has no arms and legs.
Her mother was horrified. "How could you marry someone like this?
How did you meet?"
The woman replied "Well one day I opened my front door and he was laying on the doorstep in a basket."
"So why did you marry him?"
"He rang the bell."
That's why it's classic!
By the way, Troop -- that basket man's name?
Peter.
Well... since we're no longer doing "intellectual" jokes:
Why did little Susie fall off the swing?
(*wait for it...*)
'Cause SHE HAD NO ARMS!!!
... When you perform the joke out loud, it really helps to yell the punchline while waving your arms. :D As an aside, I use that joke to determine who's got a really sick mind, and who only pretends to. The pretenders don't laugh.
Here's an intellectual joke: Did you hear about Schrodinger's sister? She had one leg and her name was Eileen....
Lipstick!
He has a sister with one leg. Her name is Eileen. She moved to Japan and changed her name to Irene.
That's because she moved across the Pacific.
here's the clip from ninotchka:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXgc5HV1CW0
You want intellectual? I got hard-core intellectual.
There are scripts of Severn Darden's pseudo-lectures from the earliest days of Second City on Google Groups. Search for "metaphysics lecture" and "Oedipus rex".
The following is Bertrand Russell on Hegel - the most intellectual joke I've ever read. It's long because he explains a few things first.
'For [Hegel] the course of logic and the course of history were broadly identical. Logic, for him, consisted of a series of self-correcting attempts to describe the world. If your first attempt is too simple, as it is sure to be, you will find that it contradicts itself; you will then try the opposite, or "antithesis", but this will also contradict itself. This leads you to a "synthesis", containing something of the original idea and something of its opposite, but more complex and less self-contradictory than either. This new idea, however, will also prove inadequate, and you will be driven, through its opposite, to a new synthesis. This process goes on until you reach the "Absolute Idea", in which there is no contradiction, and which, therefore, describes the real world.
'But the real world, in Hegel as in Kant, is not the apparent world. The apparent world goes through developments which are the same as those the logician goes through if he starts from Pure Being and travels on to the Absolute Idea. Pure Being is exemplified by ancient China, of which Hegel knew only that it had existed; the Absolute Idea is exemplified by the Prussian State, which had given Hegel a professorship at Berlin. Why the world should go through this logical evolution is not clear; one is tempted to suppose that the Absolute Idea did not quite understand itself at first, and made mistakes when it tried to embody itself in events. But this, of course, was not what Hegel would have said.'
from "Philosophy's Ulterior Motives" in Unpopular Essays
Somebody should have told him that if you have to explain it, it's not funny.
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