February 1, 2006

"American Idol" -- Austin.

1. A Trini Lopez wannabe: "Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to wheat" [sic].

2. A "fashion genius" with teeth so huge a massive set of braces cannot begin to tame them, who does ghastly drawings of Paula Abdul and turns out to be named Paula: Paula Goodspeed. She sings terribly, but it's not enough just to tell her that. Simon has to say: "I don't think any artist on earth could sing with that much metal in your mouth anyway. You have so much metal in your mouth."

3. Lots of horrible singers.

4. Jason Horn, a funeral director, who hopes to use "American Idol" to teach the world that funeral directors are ordinary people. He's good!

5. Cierra Johnson. She's pretty, really pretty ... and her black hair looks kind of purple. She sings "O Holy Night." Simon: "Awful... I'm really surprised. For whatever reason, I thought you were going to be really good. It was terrible." Well, we all know the reason. She's really pretty. It's hope. The enduring hope that outward beauty has something to do with other aspects of a person.

6. Ricky Hayes. "There's nothing else for me. This is what I'm meant to do." That's the attitude of so many delusionals. He says he's a music student. He starts to sing, and it makes me cry. I think I'm just relieved that the nice young man is actually good.

7. Ashley Jackson. She's pretty. She's a fit model (a model they fit clothes on). She's not that good but she can sing the national anthem with her mouth closed. And she is really pretty. The votes of the two male judges put her through.

8. Ronnie Norman. RJ. He's presented as a ridiculously smarmy ladies' man. He sings a truly beautiful song, "Ain't No Sunshine." He does well enough to get through.

9. A very fresh-faced 16-year-old guy sings in an affected way, but they have a heart and put him through.

10. A very delusional 17-year-old woman is treated rather badly by the camera which keeps panning from knee level up across her tight red pants. Simon does an extended routine about stuffing potatoes into a sack. Yes, we get it. She's chubby. It's because she acts like a jerk about being told the truth that they feel free to treat her like that.


wildaboutharrie said...

Simon CANNOT let a person just be fat, he has to comment.

I thought he was going to let that rather obese fellow from last night off the hook, but no, he had to get a dig in.

It's disappointing.

Mr. Suave was the most interesting contestant, I thought. This year's Constantine? It will be very satisfying when he gets the boot.

Chris O'Brien said...

Re: Ronny Norman

Smarmy? Ann is that best you have for Rico Suave Lite? Didn't the "Hey when I wait tables the older over-30 ladies can't get enough of me because, ya know, everyone just loves my charming personality and I make major money off them" inspire a bit of loathing?

I am only a few steps above "misogynist" level and even I thought that Disco Stew needs a good punch in the mouth. But the good news is we now have someone else to really really not like and I gotta think that goes double for women.

Or am I just irritable today?

anonlawstudent said...

I've never watched the show. Nor any show produced less than five years ago. Regardless, is my impression that it's just an excuse to watch a panel of people be cruel to a bunch of poor schmucks on the mark? That's what Ann's description sound's like.

Chris O'Brien said...

-Is my impression that it's just an excuse to watch a panel of people be cruel to a bunch of poor schmucks on the mark?-

Um. Yeah. Whats your point?

Ann Althouse said...

Please don't take the name of Constantine in vain. I still miss him. This new guy isn't the same. Should I be harder on him? He's just a young guy with a cocky attitude. I'm too old to take much offense. He seems ridiculous, but he's not evll.

That makes me think of the lyric: "He's good-bad, but he's not evil." Identify the song (without Googling!).

anonlawstudent said...

No point. Just flaunting my ignorance of the modus operandi of popular culture.

Harkonnendog said...

Anybody else notice the world has become Simon-ized? I mean you hear much less about how mean he is, and much more about how daft both Paula and 90's-Lexicon-Man are.

Pete said...

Yay, Ann, thanks for the American Idol bloggin.

I'm with Chris O'brien. I said to my wife about Mr. Suave: I can't wait until this guy's tossed off the show. A fine, fine reason for watching.

wildaboutharrie said...

Oh no, Ann! You were in the Constantine camp? Mercy, mercy. OK I'm sorry, "that night" must have been very painful for you. I apologize for my Dean scream.

I was all about Bo.

Ann Althouse said...

Wildaboutharrie: When Constantine sang "I Think I Love You," it was the coolest thing that ever happened on the show. For all his wrongs, I give him full immunity forever.

wildaboutharrie said...

Funny, this morning I was reflecting on the Partirdge moment - it was his high point. BUT he was draining the Bo vote, which kept Scott and Anthony on toooooo long.

I gave this way too much thought last year.

Lonesome Payne said...

God that sucked last night. I don't care if the large-ish woman reacted badly. You do not humiliate someone publicly like that - choosing, the editors and writers chose it, to put it on TV. I understand they probably have their narrative reasons, their Simon-building reasons. But I can't escape the thought: you don't do that.

I think that kind of pure meanness is happening more. And Simon does seem to have this problem with fat people.

Uh oh: am I sliding into understanding what they're doing? Exposing Simon? Thereby giving his victims their psychic escape route later?

Still: the last two nights have offered very few of those uplifting things I prattled on about. And not much good music. They seem focused on the humilation this week.

SippicanCottage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lonesome Payne said...

Isn't quxxo a female? That was my impression for some reason.

wildaboutharrie said...

Now if you were Simon, Paul, you'd make a joke at quxxo's expense. Fatbaiting, crazybaiting (remember Mary from last year, who heard voices?) and genderconfusion baiting. Laffs aplenty.

I'm glad the auditions are over.

Hey, my brother knows someone who made it to the top 40!

wildaboutharrie said...

Wait - they're NOT OVER! BOSTON! My fair capital.

This is going to be wicked pissa.

P_J said...

Sippican shoots and scores!

I wasn't going to read this thread, as I have little interest in AI (either the show or the technology - that's Glenn's gig).

But I'm glad I found out about my new career. I can just see it now - a Bing Crosby-esque thing going (minus the collar and celibacy). Maybe a duet with Ingrid Bergman. Good-naturedly mussing a boy's hair at the orphanage. Then, the "Road" movies with Sippican and Dorothy Lamour.

And later, orange juice commercials, a pop culture reference in some Loony Tunes cartoons, and estranged children. But I'll always have the pipe, my cardigan, and some sweet memories.

Man, it's even more fun living in other poeple's fantasies than your own.