January 31, 2017

The stretch-pierced earlobe + snake problem.

"I was holding my #SNAKE and his #DUMB ASS saw a hole, which just so happened to be my fuckin #EARLOBE, and thought that it would be a bright idea to #ATTEMPT to make it through... "

Facebooking from the emergency room, with photograph.

To remove that image from your mind, I leave you with these snake quotes:

1. "'Where are the people?' resumed the little prince at last. 'It’s a little lonely in the desert…' 'It is lonely when you’re among people, too,' said the snake.'" — Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ry (The Little Prince)

2. "I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our more stupid melancholy propensities, for is there anything more stupid than to be eager to go on carrying a burden which one would gladly throw away, to loathe one’s very being and yet to hold it fast, to fondle the snake that devours us until it has eaten our hearts away?" — Voltaire (Candide: or, Optimism)

3. "Don't touch me, I'm full of snakes."  — Jack Kerouac

4. "Just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again." — Gautama Buddha

5. "This sentence is made of lead (and a sentence of lead gives a reader an entirely different sensation from one made of magnesium). This sentence is made of yak wool. This sentence is made of sunlight and plums. This sentence is made of ice. This sentence is made from the blood of the poet.* This sentence was made in Japan. This sentence glows in the dark. This sentence was born with a caul. This sentence has a crush on Norman Mailer. This sentence is a wino and doesn't care who knows it. Like many italic sentences, this one has Mafia connections. This sentence is a double Cancer with a Pisces rising. This sentence lost its mind searching for the perfect paragraph. This sentence refuses to be diagrammed. This sentence ran off with an adverb clause. This sentence is 100 percent organic: it will not retain a facsimile of freshness like those sentences of Homer, Shakespeare, Goethe et al., which are loaded with preservatives. This sentence leaks. This sentence doesn't look Jewish... This sentence has accepted Jesus Christ as its personal savior. This sentence once spit in a book reviewer's eye. This sentence can do the funky chicken. This sentence has seen too much and forgotten too little. This sentence is called 'Speedoo' but its real name is Mr. Earl.** This sentence may be pregnant, it missed its period. This sentence suffered a split infinitive — and survived. If this sentence had been a snake you'd have bitten it. This sentence went to jail with Clifford Irving. This sentence went to Woodstock. And this little sentence went wee wee wee all the way home. This sentence is part of the team here at Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. This sentence is rather confounded by the whole damned thing." — Tom Robbins (Even Cowgirls Get the Blues)

There, did I get that thing out of your ear?
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56 comments:

campy said...

"I was holding my #SNAKE and his #DUMB ASS saw a hole, which just so happened to be my fuckin #EARLOBE, and thought that it would be a bright idea to #ATTEMPT to make it through... "

Can we impeach Trump for this?

Laslo Spatula said...

I can't believe you didn't include the Gatsby 'snake' quote.

I am Laslo.

AReasonableMan said...

Those crazy white people.

rhhardin said...

A scythe deposits an unharmed but surprised snake in the windrow to the left, if you're cutting the lawn.

Snakes keep the mice down, around the outside of the house.

We only have garter snakes though.

rhhardin said...

Snake comes out of the pool, goes around the tree and back into the pool.

Bowline insturctions.

rhhardin said...

Snake, rattle and roll.

Ann Althouse said...

"Sn usually imply the nose, and what relates to it. From the Latin nasus are derived the French nez and the English nose; and nesse, a promontory, as projecting like a nose. But as if from the consonants ns taken from nasus, and transposed that they may the better correspond, sn denote nasus; and thence are derived many words that relate to the nose, as snout, sneeze, snore, snort,snear, snicker, snot, snivel, snite, snuff, snuffle, snaffle, snarl, snudge.

"There is another sn which may perhaps be derived from the Latin sinuo, as snake, sneak, snail, snare; so likewise snap and snatch, snib, snub."

Johnson, Samuel (2005-02-18). A Grammar of the English Tongue (pp. 47-48). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.

David said...

Great post. Got me listening to Speedo, always a benefit.

David said...

"Bowline insturctions?"

Ann Althouse said...

"I can't believe you didn't include the Gatsby 'snake' quote."

That's just like a snake.*

And she aches just like a snake/But she breaks just like....

Song parody interlude abruptly ended.

The Gatsby quote isn't really about a snake — "... my underwear kept climbing like a damp snake around my legs..." — it's about underwear.

Original Mike said...

"To remove that image from your mind, ..."

My wife can't even look at a snake on television. Closes her eyes everytime one comes on (before meeting her, I hadn't realized how many snakes are on TV).

I don't think I'm showing her this one.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

This woman is really stupid. Not just because she has destroyed her own body, but because she is abusing her pet.

However....I don't get why people are freaked out or afraid of snakes. Unless it is a venomous snake, like a rattler or black mamba or a 30 ft python (which might like to squish you to death if you let it) snakes are harmless and actually helpful.

They eat the mice and other vermin. Snakes are dry not slimy. If they have been sitting in the sun, they are comfortably warm. They aren't going to attack you and will usually try to hide from you. They are very pretty too. Some have very intricate and colorful scale patterns. Beautiful

buwaya said...

Snakes have a mixed reputation as pets. I've known a few people who've owned snakes and lizards. I suspect that, unlike most pets, snake and reptile owners are more concerned with the image, the notoriety of owning and handling the thing than the beast itself.

Anyway, the best use of a snake is for imagery, my favorite being the famous shot of Nastassja Kinsky.

Big Mike said...

If she had had a cobra it wouldn't have fit.

madAsHell said...

"Bowline insturctions?"

I think it's a typo, but I can't be sure. It might be a reference to some obscure rom-com.

Ann Althouse said...

I saw the ellipsis after "This sentence doesn't look Jewish..." and went back to the Amazon "look inside the book" view to see what was left out. It turns out the ellipsis in in the original, but I found something else that had been left out at GoodReads, where I cut the quote for pasting.

What I cut said "This sentence may be pregnant. This sentence suffered a split infinitive — and survived."

But the original says "This sentence may be pregnant, it missed its period. This sentence suffered a split infinitive — and survived."

GoodReads took out the period joke!

Bad GoodReads!

traditionalguy said...

It is common knowledge that snakes sneak in by small holes and are in your house before you know it. Witness the Great Muslim Invasion of the USA touted as our obligation to solve to the refugee problems from the uprisings started all over the middle east by the Muslim Brotherhood and their friend, Mullah Obama.

The current explosion of world wide anger is simply a reaction to DJT ordering a few of the snake holes to be sealed up.

Bob Boyd said...

"I was holding my #SNAKE and his #DUMB ASS saw a hole..."

It could have worse.

ceowens said...

My wife was pinned to the ground by the neighborhood bully as a child. A snake (probably a harmless garter snake)was held within inches of her face for some time.

On occasion, I have had to dispatch a Great North American Striped Shoelace on one of our walks. It is one more reason we will never live in the South or West.

ceowens said...

Also, her snake may be dumb but I don't think it has an ass.

Curious George said...

"I have had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on my motherfuckin' ear!

Fernandinande said...

Mutilating your ear(s) to get attention is one thing, but sticking a snake in your ear is too obvious.

The Cracker Emcee said...

Trump is the devil, whispering sibilant provocations in our impressionable ears.

Once again, women are falling for it.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

Trump is the devil, whispering sibilant provocations in our impressionable ears.

Once again, women are falling for it.


Obligatory.

The Snake

snnnnnaaaak lol

Simon Kenton said...

"BY FAR one of my #CRAZIEST life moments!"

Not very good english, and based on her pictures, I'd reckon there have been many moments crazier than this, if not as photogenic.

Laslo Spatula said...

I've read about these things happening, but I never thought it would happen to me…

I was playing a video game when there was a knock at my door. I knew it wasn't the guy who sells me my weed because I just saw him yesterday. Anyway, I open the door, and it is my next-door neighbor, the hot chick with the tattoos and the piercings and the stretched earlobes! And as she stands there I see there is a snake through the hole of one of her ears!

"Help me," she sobbed. "My snake crawled in my ear and I'm freaking out!"

"Remain calm," I said, calmly. I don't really like snakes but I DO like hot chicks with tattoos and the piercings and the stretched earlobes, so I knew what I had to do.

I slowly pulled the snake back through the fleshy hole, and as I did so I noticed she got goosebumps on her arms.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said. "Having that thick long snake pulled through my ear hole -- it was strangely sexy."

"Glad I could help," I said.

"Oh, you can help," she said, smiling. "I want you to stick YOUR thick long snake in my earhole!"

"My snake! I knew what she meant by THAT! Hell Yeah!

So after I ear-hole-fucked her she cleaned up and went back to her apartment.

Maybe it's wrong for me to think this way, but I hope her snake crawls into her asshole next!

I am Laslo.

Rance Fasoldt said...

A bowline is a knot, one of the most common in the Navy. The description is how you tie it. Look it up.

Paul Zrimsek said...

Earlobes. Why did it have to be earlobes?

cubanbob said...

Looking at that photo of the woman with the snake in her earlobe makes wonder how is it possible to be that stupid and still live?

John said...

I read the article and I am still missing something: Why did she need to go to an ER to have it removed? If it is a pet snake, couldn't she have just worked it through the hole and gotten it out?

Sounds to me like a Facebook prank and this celebrity whore was just trying for her 2 minutes of fame.

John Henry

Bill said...

At least it wasn't her septum.

khesanh0802 said...

Assholes will be assholes!

LordSomber said...

Uneasy lies the head that carries the snake.

Ear gauges and snakes are so 2009.
I would snarkily chirp, "First World Problems," but who knows? Maybe some Amazonians have problems
with ear gauges and snakes on a bad day.

The wages of individuality seem most difficult in this day and age.

Quaestor said...

Dave wrote: "Bowline instructions"?

Aye, matey.

They don't call the rank Life Scout, for nuthin'

khesanh0802 said...

@traditional guy Speaking of immigration: Lo, and behold, there is a front page picture in the NYT website of a gay guy who thinks Trump's travel ban is terrific. Hurry there before they take the story down!

Quaestor said...

The kind of brainless fool who got a snake stuck in her stupidly enlarged earlobe is also responsible for the (usually illegal) importation of foreign reptiles which are devastating the native wildlife of South Florida.

Assholes.

SayAahh said...

Hissss, can you hear me now?

Darrell said...

Angela Merkel's theme song.

First comment on DBQ's Al Wilson link.

Yancey Ward said...

Sounds just like the guys who show up at the ER with the story about how they accidentally sat on some object while naked and it ended up stuck in their rectum.

Jamie said...

YIKES!!

Roughcoat said...

Kipling's "Rikki-Tikki-Tavi" is a fantastically well-written short story featuring two evil snakes, the male cobra Nag and his consort Nagina; and, of course, the brave little mongoose, Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, who battles them for the sake of the human family he is charged with protecting.

It is really one of the great short stories: a tale of love and courage and the imperative to resist evil whenever and wherever it occurs.

You can probably get a copy at Internet Archive.

John said...

Roughcoat,

I remember if from many years ago in grade school. Currently re-reading Kim for the 10th-15th time. It is a book that never gets old. Some of Kipling's other work is also very good. Short stories and novels. Never cared that much for most of his poetry.

I'll have to check out Rikki-Tikki-Tavi.

We have mongooses here in Puerto Rico. They are nasty little buggers and rumored to be rabid.

On the plus side, they did eat most of the snakes. Having done that, they have mostly died out and are only occasionally seen.

John Henry

John said...

Blogger Yancey Ward said...

Sounds just like the guys who show up at the ER with the story about how they accidentally sat on some object while naked and it ended up stuck in their rectum.

Fusilli Jerry?

"A million to one chance, doc. A million to one."

John Henry

John said...

Roughcoat,

Gutenberg.org no doubt has it. Librivox.org has it as an audio book.

http://librivox.org/short-story-collection-vol-005/

The reading of Kim, which I am currently going to sleep with, is excellent.

John HEnry

Roughcoat said...

John Henry --

Thanks for your comments. I am a great fan of Kipling. An extraordinary writer. "Kim" is a masterpiece by any standards, but his short stories are mostly either brilliant or nearly so: he was a master of the short fiction genre. "The Man Who Would Be King" is widely considered his best, and I find it hard to argue against that assessment, although the Jungle Book stories, taken either individually or collectively, are pretty damn excellent. Love his poetry too.

"We are not little men, and there is nothing that we are afraid of except Drink, and we have signed a Contrack on that. Therefore, we are going away to be Kings."

Roughcoat said...

The recent Disney remake of "Jungle Book" is pretty good. The character of Sher Khan the Tiger, voiced by Idris Elba, is especially memorable. The best movie villain of the year, the personification of evil. Christopher Walken as King Louie (doing an homage to Marlon Brando's Col. Kurtz) and Bill Murray as Baloo are hilarious.

But they had good material to work with and inspire them, namely Kipling's writing.

Roughcoat said...

Oh, I forgot, and speaking of snakes (in Jungle Book): Scarlett Johansson as Kaa. Yikes!

In the book Kaa was male and a friend and protector of Mowgli. But I like what ScarJo does with the part.

SeanF said...

ceowens: My wife was pinned to the ground by the neighborhood bully as a child. A snake (probably a harmless garter snake)was held within inches of her face for some time.

And for the rest of his life, the young reptile suffered deep emotional scars.

buwaya said...

Kiplings single greatest work was "Kim".

And his best short works are his poetry.

OK, conflict ensues.

madAsHell said...

My brother-in-law is an ER physician. You cannot imagine the number of stories that start out...."I was running naked across the room, and I fell on ________". The orifice removal list includes light bulbs, and batteries.

JaimeRoberto said...

In this scenario it isn't the snake who's the dumbass.

walter said...

Hole lotta stupid..

JAORE said...

I have seen dozens of photographs of similarly self-adorned(/mutilated) individuals.

My conclusion is that either:
There are a LOT more freak shows around than I ever dreamed,
or
The welfare state has become too large and too generous.

Roughcoat said...

OK, conflict ensues.

Nah. Apples and oranges and pomegranates. I like Kipling's stories, poetry, and Kim in equal measure but for different reasons.

Once long ago I found myself drunk and reciting a Kipling poem at bar on a little island in Fiji. The Fijian men were glowering at me and I didn't know why until an Ozzie told me that they thought they were the Fuzzy Wuzzies I was talking about. "Why should they be offended?" I said to the Ozzie, "the poem is a tribute to the Fuzzy Wuzzies." But I shut up anyway.

Roughcoat said...

Fijian men tend to be ENORMOUS (these were) and they identify as warriors in the tradition of their grandfathers who were headhunters. Which is I shut up.

buwaya said...

Roughcoat, luckily for me I could never remember any poetry when drunk. But somehow I found I could sing. I think.
Anyway, sadly, I'm no longer allowed to get drunk.

Good story about Fiji.