1. "Kim Kardashian’s pre-Kanye West marriage to NBC player Kris Humphries, to whom she became engaged seven months after they started dating, and was married to for 72 days before filing for divorce, is a perfect example." NBC player Kris Humphries, eh? These journalists think awfully highly of themselves. (Yes, I know, I'm laughing at a typo, and I think typo humor is dumb, but... whatever... this is a post about dumb.)
2. "And perhaps most important for the purposes of our imaginings, Poehler and Arnett seemed equally fun – the sort of couple you’d want to have to dinner." I'm just enjoying the lazy locution, leaving in place the alternative meaning of cannibalism.
3. "The tide of Gwynethfreude that is breaking over the internet is particularly tsunami-like because, since founding her newsletter Goop in 2008, part of Paltrow’s business has been telling other women how to live glamorous and complete lives." Schadenfreude is the pleasure we feel when bad things happen to other people. It's a compound word in which the "freude" part means joy. The "schaden" part means harm. The coined word Gwynethfreude literally means Gwyneth joy, and the part about something bad happening to Gwyneth is missing. Also there's an effort at keeping the metaphor unmixed by sticking to water with "tide" and "tsunami" and "breaking over," but why try so hard if you're only going to fail? Tides don't break and tsunamis aren't tides.
4. "And maybe none of us can have it all." The crushingly pedestrian parting shot. (Mixed metaphor intended.)
5. "Paltrow used the word of her split to promote an idea called 'conscious uncoupling,' transitioning smoothly from married-lady guru to the woman who is headed for a better divorce than the rest of us." Nothing especially wrong with that as a sentence. I just wanted to show you the phrase "conscious uncoupling" that everyone's talking about on the occasion of Gwyneth's divorce.