May 14, 2013

"Two bisexual activists... recommended casual 'water cooler' ways of bringing up your sexual identity through current events."

"'I was thrilled to hear that Clive Davis came out as bisexual, being bisexual myself,' or 'Did you hear that same-sex couples will soon be able to marry in Delaware? It means a lot to me since I’m bisexual.'"

From a NYT column attempting serious advice about how to "come out as bisexual at work." I copied those quotes because I could picture a comedy sketch giving those lines to a character who has no clue about how to sound casual around an office water cooler.

94 comments:

Scott M said...

I copied those quotes because I could picture a comedy sketch giving those lines to a character who has no clue about how to sound casual around an office water cooler.

It has a definite Kids In The Hall vibe, I grant you.

Chip S. said...

You'd have to make that character a real hep-cat to sell the bit.

Synova said...

“One corner of his mouth crooked up, then the quirk vanished in a thoughtful pursing of his lips. "He's bisexual, you know." He took a delicate sip of his wine.
"Was bisexual," she corrected absently, looking fondly across the room. "Now he's monogamous."

(Lois Bujold - Barrayar)

t-man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Freeman Hunt said...

The other person at the water cooler is thinking, "Is this a come on?"

BarrySanders20 said...

"Did you hear about the new recommendations for colonoscopies? It means a lot to me because I like putting things in my bottom."

"Did you hear about that study about women looking at men's penises? It means a lot to me because I like looking at penises."

"Did you hear that song by Bob & Tom called Camel Toe? It means a lot to me because I like thinking about vaginas."

That's some casual, subtle water cooler talk.

TosaGuy said...

T.M.I.

Expat(ish) said...

I'm just trying to figure out what BI has to do with same sex marriage. Does that mean that they get one of each?

-XC

I Have Misplaced My Pants said...

Just make sure your workplace is not a college campus.

Nonapod said...

Is it hubris to assume that your fellow workers care about your sexual proclivities? People are boring enough, they shouldn't feel compelled to "reveal" things in hopes of being less boring.

gerry said...

I'm just trying to figure out what BI has to do with same sex marriage. Does that mean that they get one of each?

No. It simply means they have twice as many basic causes of divorce .

pduggie said...

Just have a bi identity on your FB profile and friend them on facebook.

bagoh20 said...

Can you imagine a straight guy just throwing out his sexual preferences like that at the water cooler? Imagine him just announcing that "Hey did you guys see that movie Mean Girls. I like to bang me some nice young cheerleaders when I can get em, especially doggie style.

Yea, that would go over real well.

Ignorance is Bliss said...

...how to "come out as bisexual at work."

Before we get into how, maybe you should as yourself why?

Note that I'm not advocating hiding who you are. If something comes up in conversation where your statement indicates that you are bisexual, you are welcome to say it. But that is not what this article is about. It is about finding a way to slip it into a conversation just to get it out there. So again I ask why?

LarsPorsena said...

How can one work their onanism into the water-cooler conversation?

CJinPA said...

"Lousy weather, huh?"................................[LONG AWKWARD PAUSE]....................................... "I'm bisexual. Can I borrow your stapler?"

DADvocate said...

Can you say "out of touch with reality?"

bagoh20 said...

It would be a good idea to just throw it in there with every introduction. "Hi, It's nice to meet you. I'm Jack Enoff and sexually I really like women. Do you want to work on that report for the Google account together?

DADvocate said...

Can you say "too much information?"

DADvocate said...

Can you say "sexual harrassment?"

Nonapod said...

LarsPorsena said...

How can one work their onanism into the water-cooler conversation?


Perhaps if you happen to notice a bottle of hand lotion on someones desk you could comment your experiences on that particular brand.

Shanna said...

'I was thrilled to hear that Clive Davis came out as bisexual, being bisexual myself,'

Yeah, that sounds natural.

I do think it's much more natural to 'come out' to people just by saying you went to such and such whatever with your BF/GF this weekend then to have a whole awkward conversation about it. Maybe the bisexual folks can't adequately explain their specialness this way.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

If I were the boss and found out that my employees were discussing their sexuality, bi..homo....straight....at the water cooler on MY time....I would fire them. Get back to work you assholes!

If I were the other person at the water cooler hearing this...."being bisexual myself" inserted in a remark directed at me....I would be stunned. WTF???.....why in the Hell would you think that I am the slightest bit interested in your sexual life? In fact....I would consider statements like that to be harassment.

John Lynch said...

I don't get it. If gay people are born gay, how do we get bisexual people? Is that another gene?

LarsPorsena said...

Nonapod said...

LarsPorsena said...

How can one work their onanism into the water-cooler conversation?

Perhaps if you happen to notice a bottle of hand lotion on someones desk you could comment your experiences on that particular brand.

5/14/13, 2:40 PM
____________________________________

That would be a smooth move.

Scott M said...

I'm just trying to figure out what BI has to do with same sex marriage. Does that mean that they get one of each?

Absolutely not.

Same-sex marriage proponents understand that the sanctity of the institution of marriage means that we need to keep the definition as a union between only two people.

Scott M said...

So again I ask why?

Because you've burned through all the nearby Germans and are in need of a hot, quick, multi-gender gangbang.

Freeman Hunt said...

"I like your shoes. That's really cool that they came in a pair--like genders! I notice stuff like that because I'm bisexual."

"I love your new, short haircut Diane. You're like totally girlie but then your hair is short like a guy. I'm into girl and guy stuff because I'm bisexual."

"Ben, congratulations on getting gay married. You know, I've been straight married to Frank for fifteen years, but if Frank had been a woman, I'd have totally gay married him because I'm bisexual."

"I like how you used two-color process on these reports. Two colors like two sexes. And I like both because I'm bisexual."

David said...

I've read some of his stuff.

Miss Manners wannabe.

Not in the same class though.

rehajm said...

In our office we just use those little name tags.

Carl said...

This is what's so freaking annoying about some gays and bis. That's all they ever think about.

For anybody else this would be a significant chunk of a future sexual harassment lawsuit. Did you see that Tiger Woods took up with Lindsey Vonn? Well, you know what they say, once you try chocolate you never want to go back to boring vanilla, heh heh. Did I ever mention how much I like black cock?

I work with my share of gay people. Thank God they're the strong silent types who don't think it's any of my business what they like to put in their mouths and whatnot after work hours, and who wouldn't dream of asking me whether I like MILFs or the Twiggy look in the sack.

Is it possible we could just re-attach a little modesty to public discourse? We'll go back to pretending that when we're all in suits and ties, or working together on a plan to build a talking robot, nuke the Moon, release the ultimate ad campaign for Dove bars, or invade Iran and steal their oil, we are all of us sexless worker bees, as neuter as a Ken doll crotch?

Even if it's not actually true -- if we cannot remove our sexuality from our humanity -- we could at least draw a courteous Victorian veil over it, in public, and give some dignity to those for whom the discussion is inherently painful -- the recently widowed, the guy struggling with impotence from his diabetes, the fat girl who just got dumped for a thin blonde, whatever.

David said...

Freeman you've got a possible sitcom hit there.

edutcher said...

If some dork actually pulls this, do I get to be "offended"?

prairie wind said...

First of all, there are no more water coolers, now that we all must carry Camelbaks to show off our environmental and health consciousness.

Second, I thought only middle-schoolers were bi-sexual.

Third, the old argument was that being gay was genetic because--after all--who would choose to be gay? Now that every TV show has adorable gay characters, gay is no longer genetic. It is a choice, and middle-schoolers are trying all choices.

Fourth, polyamory is the newest new thing. Don't tell the middle-school set.

MadisonMan said...

I notice you're looking at my breasts. They're are two of them, just like genders. I like that because I'm bisexual.

Meade said...

Anyone here read that article in the Booming section of NYT? Steven Petrow's advice column "Civil Behavior"?

ALL of you did? Great! Any of you care to have sex with ME?

wyo sis said...

Why struggle to be casual. Just announce over the intercom that you're bi-sexual and you bi-hell demand every bi-advantage there might possibly be and bi-theway you're bringing a lawsuit unless management provides a unisex bathroom. And while you're at it file a sexual harassment claim in advance against every other person in the company.

Who would dare argue?

damikesc said...

how to "come out as bisexual at work."

As has been said...why would anybody give a rat's ass who one they work with bones?

"Man, the Olympic team has men and women --- just like my genitals!"

damikesc said...

Hell, why even try for a segue?

"Did you see that Warriors/Spurs game last night? Me? Nah, I didn't...I was busy nailing a dude AND a chick!"

MayBee said...

"Freeman, have you seen the new J Crew collection? It's sophisticated on the top, but the bottoms are very casual. Two opposites that make one thing. Like my sexuality. I'm bi-sexual"

Amartel said...

Ways to overshare in the context of neutral water cooler topics:

"Oh hai, did you see that queer on Survivor last night? It wasn't me. I would never be on Survivor."

"Say, how about that Jason person in Sports Illustrated? He claims he dated girls for a while, unlike me."

"Did you ever see 'Silence of the Lambs? Dude, that's like totally what I do in my basement at home."

Shanna said...

Just announce over the intercom that you're bi-sexual

Just put it in your email signature block.

So and so
Assistant to the regional manager
555-5555
Bi sexual

Methadras said...

Scott M said...

I copied those quotes because I could picture a comedy sketch giving those lines to a character who has no clue about how to sound casual around an office water cooler.

It has a definite Kids In The Hall vibe, I grant you.


I so wish I could crush these peoples heads. Crush!!! Crush!!!

Valentine Smith said...

Well, it's all about "bisexual visibility" according to Erica in East Brunswick NJ. Maybe she needs to organize a hideous parade to march past that fucking water cooler every time she decides to chat with her coworkers. That way she'll have a reason to bring up what is obviously an all-consuming identity crisis. Or, she could do like the men and wear a team jacket from a lesbian softball league festooned with picture buttons of Justin Bieber and George Clooney. How about a tattoo that says I Like Dykes, But I'm Into Men Who Manage to Get Into Me?

It used to be said people are as sick as their secrets. Now their lack of individual boundaries make the rest of us sick.

Inga said...

I still don't understand being bisexual. It seems just to be another form of sexual confusion. How can one truly be sexually attracted to both? Is it like being ambidextrous?

Hazy Dave said...

"I'm so horny, the crack of dawn better watch out."

dbp said...

"I can't help but notice that your are checking out my crotch". "you are probably wondering, is this an effeminate man or a masculine woman"? "Well, if you are like me, it is totally irrelevant since I go either way".

Titus said...

I know you Whores may found this unbelievable but I am not out at work.

tits.

gutless said...

What's wrong with the tried and true,"May I push in your stool?"

Meade said...

Oh, are you on your BIcycle? wink wink, nudge nudge.

prairie wind said...

I'm going home now. Bi bi.

Seeing Red said...

Ahhh, for the days of "Stay out of my bedroom!"

Titus said...

I hardly talk to anyone at work at a "personal" level.

Because I am so high level and executivish and strategic and a Key Leader with lots of confidential info I believe it is best to not speak to the lowerlings much.

But I am always pleasant not bitchy or anything.

tits.

MaxedOutMama said...

Oh dear. I'm afraid Jim Carrey already did it.

Renee said...

Parents always talk about their kids....

So why not. If I can bore them. They can bore me.

Freeman Hunt said...

"Hey, Ed. Hey, Karen. It's so funny to run into BOTH of you here at the water cooler because I could totally have sex with BOTH of you. No, I don't mean you specifically, but people of either of your sexes. You see, I'm bisexual."

Freeman Hunt said...

"Did you hear about the new Plan B rules? They mean a lot to me because if I make a birth control mistake pregnancy is sometimes a concern. Not every time though. Women don't have any sperm, so you can't get pregnant from them. Did you know I'm bisexual?"

Susan Stewart Rich said...

@gerry

I think you are wrong. Maybe one or two more/less, but not twice as many.

Susan Stewart Rich said...

Did you see that new Gatsby movie? I'd do em.

damikesc said...

"Hey, Bob, what's red, black, and blue all over? I don't know either, but that's probably because I'm bisexual"

Pogo said...

"Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great.

Oh, and did I mention that I like to bone farm animals?
"

Pogo said...

"So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it.

And all I'm thinking all day is how to show those those TPS reports my O-face. Oh... Oh... Oh! You know what I'm talkin' about. Oh!
"

Astro said...

"Hi, Gomer."
"Hey, Floyd..."

Pogo said...

The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Episode 171

Sue Ann seethes when her transgender sister Lila moves to Minneapolis and upstages the “Happy Homemaker” with a show on a rival station. Laughs aplenty when Sue and Lila fall in love with their vibrating chair.

David Priest, who plays Lila, is best known as drag queen Marilyn Munster.

SteveR said...

..now lets take a look at those Tea Party Tax returns

Michael Haz said...

"Hey didja see the last couple innings of the Mets game last night? Whoa, that Rivera is a beast! He bats left AND right handed, which reminds me, by the way, I'm bisexual".

Michael Haz said...

"Remember when we were kids? It was so much fun to play tag in the back yard. Hey, how's Sue, speaking of playing tag? You guys have plans for Saturday?"

President-Mom-Jeans said...

"I still don't understand being bisexual. It seems just to be another form of sexual confusion. How can one truly be sexually attracted to both? Is it like being ambidextrous?"

Bigot!

Quick, burn the intolerant witch.

How dare she.

eddie willers said...

"I'm so horny, the crack of Dawn (or Don) better watch out."

Fixed.

Michael Haz said...

"Fund management is such a cool job. I get to go both NASDAQ and NYSE. But that's normal because I'm bisexual."

Michael Haz said...

Clever newspaper article aside, most employers' HR departments will not like those water cooler conversations.

Michael Haz said...

Here's a fun idea. Substitute "conservative" for "bisexual".

Freeman Hunt said...

"Boy, I do love a cup of cold water. But then, I also love a cup of hot coffee. Hmm. You know, I've never given it much thought, but maybe I like both because I'm bisexual."

Hammond X Gritzkofe said...

Other good water cooler topics --

"Speaking of fruit, a small bowl of stewed prunes really last night really worked great for me. I took a mighty dump this morning. Feels GREAT!"

"It's too bad about Dr. Gosnell. Y'know my 15 year old just let on that she' PG - and it looks like about 25 weeks. Do you know anyone who's good at that sort of thing?"


EMD said...

I don't get it. If gay people are born gay, how do we get bisexual people? Is that another gene?


Tierney or The Dancing Machine?

EMD said...

Clever newspaper article aside, most employers' HR departments will not like those water cooler conversations.

And then they sue for wrongful termination.

William said...

Not to get too NIMBY, but I wouldn't want a bisexual parking area by the water cooler in my office.......Think of the heartache that could have been saved if Castro had worked in an environment where you could freely admit your predilection for keeping girls chained in the basement.

Jason (the commenter) said...

Dust Bunny Queen: If I were the boss and found out that my employees were discussing their sexuality, bi..homo....straight....at the water cooler on MY time....I would fire them. Get back to work you assholes!

I find that hard to believe: Is that a picture of your wife on your table? Fired! Who sent you flowers? Fired!

If I were the other person at the water cooler hearing this...."being bisexual myself" inserted in a remark directed at me....I would be stunned.

This is a better response: "Bisexual, huh? Well, I'm Polish."

kimsch said...

It's sad that people feel the need to be defined by their sexuality. Why should that be the number one of your being?

ampersand said...

You can always respond with 'A woman or a man needs a man or a woman like a fish needs a bisexual.

Freeman Hunt said...

This is a better response: "Bisexual, huh? Well, I'm Polish."

"Bisexual, huh? Never got into it myself. Too much equipment. Too fast. I'm more of a jogger or swimmer at heart."

MadisonMan said...

at the water cooler on MY time....I would fire them. Get back to work you assholes!

I find that hard to believe: Is that a picture of your wife on your table? Fired! Who sent you flowers? Fired!

Having a picture is not the same as wasting time around the water cooler talking about sex.

Tim said...

Hmmmmm.

So, how many bi-sexuals actually come out?

And who really wants to know who is bi-sexual?

And who really wants the world to know they're bi-sexual?

Revenant said...

I know about the love lives of my friends at work. I could not possibly be less interested in the love lives of people who are not my friends.

This is the bisexual version of the annoying sales guy who won't shut up about what a ladies' man he is. You friends already know, dude, and the rest of us want you to GO AWAY.

Blair said...

Somehow reminded me of this: http://youtu.be/KrlzaBNgz-M

Michael Haz said...

"Bisexual, huh? Well, I'm Polish."

"I heard that Stephanie Lipski's maiden name is Pulaski. She's bi-polish, and wow, she can really cook the goulash, know what I mean?"

Astro said...

"Really? Okay, so how many of you bisexuals does it take to change a light bulb?

BRC said...

I can see from all the ignorant comments on this post that I still have plenty of years ahead of me as a bisexual activist trying to educate folks about bisexuality. And the comments also validate the main point of the article (which wasn't the water cooler examples) that it is damn difficult to come out in the workplace as bisexual. That's for making the article even more meaningful!

bgates said...

About those TPS reports - let me run something bi you.

Meade said...

I was thrilled to hear that Berry Gordy came out as sexual, being sexual myself. Did you hear that old over-the hill boomer couples will continue to be able to marry and have sex in Delaware? It means a lot to me since I’m an old over-the-hill boomer who likes to have sex.

Michael Haz said...

...it is damn difficult to come out in the workplace as bisexual

No. Just say "I'm bi".

But why is it so effing important that people broadcast their sexual preferences to their co-workers? Seriously. You can be a heckauva lot happier if your draw a hard line between your personal life and your work life. Shut up about your preferences, what ever they are, while at work. Proclaiming your sexual preference is not a part of your job description.

Do your job at work and leave your sexual-proclaiming for the non-work part of your life.

Real American said...

or you could just say "Did you watch Glee last night?"

Trashhauler said...

Any of these conversations would get you prosecuted in the Air Force for sexual harassment. And then Congresscritters will thump their chests and promise to ruin some senior officer's career and life because he/she didn't do enough to get rid of watercoolers.

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