May 30, 2013

"I feel like a complete oddity, but I am a male who hates sex."

"I feel dirty and gross during and after the process. When I’m with a partner I do my best to help satisfy their needs and desires, but I almost always have to rush to the shower afterward. Some times I simply can't even be touched without jerking away and having a panic attack. But I do love going on dates, making dinner together, snuggling while watching movies."

A question for Emily Yoffe.

In a similar vein: "The married couples who NEVER have sex but insist they're happy: Are they deluded - or just honest?"

77 comments:

Mitch H. said...

Sheldon?

madAsHell said...

"The married couples who NEVER have sex but insist they're happy: Are they deluded - or just honest?"

Somebody is not telling the truth. I'll guess he prefers men.

prairie wind said...

Does happiness depend on sex? No more than it depends on whether I am "really, really pretty" (like letter writer #1 at the link). No more than it depends on money. No more than it depends on the job I have. No more than it depends on the car I drive.

Happiness is something I choose. It is possible to be happy even when really bad things are happening. Cancer patients can be happy. Quadraplegics can be happy. Poor people can be happy. Rich people can be happy. Childless people can be happy.

That said, this guy has a bit of a problem. If his shrink isn't helping him, he should find someone else who can at least help him figure out how to wait 20 minutes before showering.

phx said...

Some times I simply can't even be touched without jerking away

Many oversexed males have this problem.

Ignorance is Bliss said...

madAsHell said...

I'll guess he prefers men.

I was going to suggest that maybe he should try having sex with a woman. ( If you read his question, he refers to his partner and their needs, but never mentions the gender of that partner. )

Martinkh said...

Simple. He is gay.
Is this stuff rocket science?

Darrell said...

"When I'm with a partner..."

Real men say "when I'm with a woman..."

Darrell said...

You beat me to it, IiBliss. Conflicting edits.

Scott M said...

Without looking, is the guy in question asexual Smiths frontman Morrissey?

Marshal said...

The Yoffe guy seems off. Maybe gay or an abuse / trauma victim.

The DM Article:

You can be happy while still wishing for something you don't have.

Of course, men have their needs, but I think I’m better able to control my urges than some - I distract myself with hobbies, like doing up old cars.

If he's just not interested why does he need to distract himself? I think the comments are they they are happy with their lives, not pleased that there's no sex. Obviously this can't be completely objective but I have a hard time believing there are many men pleased with zero sex life.

Scott M said...

Just being gay doesn't explain anything in this case. There are apparently plenty of gay men that love gay sex so much that there are gay men with literally thousands of previous gay hook-ups.

Gay.

Scott M said...

Of course, men have their needs, but I think I’m better able to control my urges than some - I distract myself with hobbies, like doing up old cars.

Of course, what he didn't tell the interviewer was that when he says he "does up" and old car...

Virgil Hilts said...

Um. . . why not just have sex in the shower?

Susan Stewart Rich said...

A genetic mutation perhaps. Or maybe he is just getting in touch with prehistoric side--you know, the male who worked all day and didn't have time to have sex unless necessary.

YoungHegelian said...

A friend of mine once worked with a woman who told him that she found sex gross & disgusting & she thought the same of having a baby.

The advantage of having sex over having a baby was that "sex could be at least done in the dark".

Lem said...

New Climate Change reverberations are being discovered everyday.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

I can't imagine a sexless relationship, especially when at such a young age. I do know some friends who for medical reasons are not sexual (the wife confided in me for some reason /shrug). We are all old though /wink. It is an age thing and a medical/medication issue. Both have had cancer in the last couple of years. BUT!!! They have had decades of a loving sexual relationship to bind them together through their tough time. As you get old, eventually everything does slow down including the frequency of sex. Or so I hear.

To have an asexual relationship in the prime of your life ....what is the point if all you are to each other are roommates?

Robert Cook said...

Why assume a person who claims not to enjoy sex is lying, or deluded, or is with a partner of the wrong gender? Why not simply accept at face value the person's claim of disliking sex?

Just as sexual proclivities vary both in preference and intensity of drive, so too is it easy to believe the desire or enjoyment of sex varies from "can't live without it" to "not interested at all."

If a married couple does not have sex and both partners claim to be happy, it is certainly possible either or both of them are lying or in denial, but it is easily as possible they found the right match for themselves: a person who is as uninterested in sex as they, allowing for a sexless companionship that is blissful precisely because there is no obligation felt by either partner to engage in sexual behavior strictly to please their partner.

I had a roommate in college who startled me when he said he did not like music. It wasn't that he didn't like this or that type of music. He did not like music. I'd never heard such a thing from anyone before and it seemed unfathomable. However, I've lived long enough to learn and accept that the varieties of human proclivities and likes and dislikes are manifold beyond limits any one of us can know.

traditionalguy said...

They presumed a marriage, so he sounds as if he is a Victorian legalist who has performance anxiety rather than a lusty Puritan who know who he is.

Robert Cook said...

"...what is the point if all you are to each other are roommates?"

Why can't that be enough?

gspencer said...

Eeeeeuuuuuwwww!

If sex isn't dirty, then you're not doing it right.

gutless said...

Switch from anal intercourse and see if that helps.

Lem said...

Real men say "when I'm with a woman..."

Sounds like the woman is pulling two shifts, simultaneously, and he feels left out.

SteveR said...

If you like to, your spouse likes to and you both still can, enjoy it and never take it for granted. Stuff happens and you may need every good point on the scorecard.

Susan Stewart Rich said...

"If sex isn't dirty, then you're not doing it right."

@gspencer

Yeah, that's about right.

Palladian said...

Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me,
I wanna be dirty!

Pogo said...

OK, he dislikes sex.

Why bother anyone else about it?
Shut up and make dinner, snuggle, and watch movies.

But do shut up.

edutcher said...

Sounds like the girl who wrote Emily needs a good shrink.

The first couple in the DM article may want to see one, too, as well as an MD.

Pogo said...

He's just looking for a fuckless zip.

MadisonMan said...

"...what is the point if all you are to each other are roommates?"

Why can't that be enough?

exactly this. That it does not comport with your life does not make it pointless.

ricpic said...

Speaking of sex, there's a book that's just come out, What Soldiers Do, written by Mary Louise Roberts, a professor of French History at the University of Wisconsin, that basically says the US Army raped its way across France in WW II.

Not sure if Althouse has posted about it.

Amartel said...

The married couples who NEVER have sex but insist they're happy: Are they deluded - or just honest?"

I think sometimes you should just take people at their word. They don't have sex. They're happy. Leave them alone. Same with the guy who gets grossed out by sex. If he's happy just snuggling let him be. Don't tell him he's doing it wrong or ought to be having sex. He should be honest with his "partner" though.

Astro said...

Why assume a person who claims not to enjoy sex is lying, or deluded, or is with a partner of the wrong gender? Why not simply accept at face value the person's claim of disliking sex?

Because hormones, particularly testosterone, are powerful substances. It's difficult to imagine a young, normal, healthy person with 'normal' levels of testosterone NOT wanting to have sex. So, it seems reasonable to conclude that either their hormones are at extremely subnormal levels (which the article doesn't discuss) or due to their (unacknowledged) sexual orientation they are paired up with a person of the 'wrong' sex.

Kelly said...

I believe I saw this episode on House. The guy was an Alan Alda type, Mr. Sensitive who conducted seminars for woman and rarely had sex with his wife. They supposedly had a great marriage. After many medical emergencies, it was discovered he had a hormone imbalance of some sort. So that's my diagnoses, hormone imbalance.

Derek Brown said...

Hormones are powerful yes but they can be sublimated. St. Ignatius was certainly an extremely vigorous and healthy man who obviously had priorities far above sex. It's kind of like the elephants line in inception when society is saturated in sex then you think about sex more.

Lem said...

I feel like a complete oddity...

I could hear myself say that... but how do I know for sure what other men are really feeling about sex?

For all I know there could be many more like this guy and they just think it would be unmanly or whatever to say something like that.

Let me pause right here to completely and unequivocally disavow the nonsense uttered by this facsimile of a man.

Better be safe than sorry.

rcocean said...

Gay much?

rcocean said...

How old is the dude anyway? Most guys under 50 are so full of testosterone they'll fuck anything.

Even Sarah Jessica Parker.

Renee said...

Couples get busy... too tired for it.

They may be enjoying with whatever they are doing. Wasted birth control though, if she is using it.

William said...

Maybe he's married to Roseanne Barr. I once met Bella Abzug's husband. He looked desiccated and shrunken. I don't think he had such an exciting sex life.

Sorun said...

"I believe I saw this episode on House. The guy was an Alan Alda type, Mr. Sensitive who conducted seminars for woman and rarely had sex with his wife.

Sex can be pretty sexist, so you can't blame Mr. Sensitive for being uncomfortable with it.

Bender said...

What a twisted society we are for so many to think that if you aren't a slave to your genitalia then you are abnormal and a freak.

I guess Sandra Fluke is a hero after all.

Beldar said...

This trait is not one favored by natural selection.

rcocean said...

"I once met Bella Abzug's husband."

Good God, really? Was "he" a lesbian in drag?

rcocean said...

Can you imagine the "man" married to Barbara Walters?

Gay Much?

rcocean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says: Sometimes Scarlett and I go Months Without Sex. I understand: Acting Takes A Lot Out Of You. There Isn't Enough Room.

El Pollo Raylan said...

When I’m with a partner I do my best to help satisfy their needs and desires, but I almost always have to rush to the shower afterward.

"partner" is uncalled for androgyny--plus the use of "their" hints at multiple partners/orgy type situation.

betamax3000 said...

Re: "I feel like a complete oddity..."

Mound control to major Tom
Mound control to major Tom
Take your Viagra pills and put your Condom on...

Freeman Hunt said...

The other day we read about some guy who gets excited by rolling around in cow poop slurry. This asexual condition seems, at least, far less bizarre than that.

I don't doubt that asexual people exist. So it goes. Seems like they could happily pair off with one another.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says: Once you Masturbate you Cannot Un-Masturbate.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says: Sex is Not the Most Important Thing. I can Stare at Scarlett's Breasts and Still Plan My Fantasy Football Picks inside my Head.

I Have Picked Four Tight Ends.

Broomhandle said...

For a guy who's such a wingnut politically, Cookie is a very rational and common sensical observer of the human condition in other regards.

ptab said...

Hhhmmmm... I am happy ( though I would be even HAPPIER if sex was less rare ) - it is not an animosity issue we have not been deliberative sexual partners since dating decades ago and attempts at having children ( sadly we are not young enough to consider children presently)
And the sex WAS less passionate when there was a parallel goal aside the obvious climax & release.

Astro said...

What a twisted society we are for so many to think that if you aren't a slave to your genitalia then you are abnormal and a freak.

But - there's nothing wrong with wanting or having sex.

If someone had perfectly normal eyesight, but chose to live his life with a black scarf over his eyes so he couldn't see anything, most people would wonder why are you doing that? Most people would wonder if he was doing that for a religious reason, or wonder if he's mentally unbalanced, or conducting some social experiment.

Alex said...

Some people are just sexless. Look at Alan Alda for instance. Can't imagine him having sex. Or Mr. Rogers.

Alex said...

Sandra Fluke is fucking all day long. Her pussy must be worn out by now.

Carl said...

Remember Penthouse Letters? Remember how old you were when you realized they were an art form, so to speak?

Yoffe is the 21st century Penthouse letters, only written a bit more in the soft-core style preferred by the girls and girlie men who read Slate.

Matthew Sablan said...

Wow. "I think I'm too pretty for my husband-to-be" is almost as jerkish as the "Why doesn't my cuckolded husband just let bygones be bygones?" question.

Sir Lags Alot said...

Meh. I have a friend who is possibly the only asexual person I have ever met. She's just not interested. Never talks about dating, never seeks dates, never laments her life alone... just goes about her life, working, riding her bike, donating to charities, socializing with friends. Happy, healthy, productive member of society who will probably never bump uglies with anyone.

At least she has the courtesy to not involve anyone else in her quirks.

Phil 3:14 said...


I have a friend who is possibly the only asexual person I have ever met. She's just not interested. Never talks about dating, never seeks dates, never laments her life alone... just goes about her life, working, riding her bike, donating to charities, socializing with friends. Happy, healthy, productive member of society who will probably never bump uglies with anyone.


Does she like photographs?

Phil 3:14 said...

Maybe its a vocabulary problem.

Strelnikov said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWFjY6-lVew

Your answer revealed.

Paul said...

I'd have shot the bastard myself after he tried to kill me.

Murder? Hell no, he paid him back.

Long time ago a guy named John Wesley Hardin was riding near Longview Texas. 4 of Davie's police asked him for his guns. He wrote in his book, "I then gave them the contents of them."

Jackson was in a duel. The other guy tried to kill, so Jackson just paid him back for the effort.

I see no problem with what he did.

Paul said...

Damn... wrong place to post this.

Strelnikov said...

Say. No. More!

Strelnikov said...

Sorry. that comment referred to Phil 3:14's.

Hey, how do I make the link live in my comment?

Strelnikov said...

"Even Sarah Jessica Parker"

Not right now, though. She's training for the Belmont Stakes.

baldanders said...

"Why assume a person who claims not to enjoy sex is lying, or deluded, or is with a partner of the wrong gender? Why not simply accept at face value the person's claim of disliking sex?"

There's something to this. I can only really imagine what I like when it comes to sex. I can't imagine not liking sex, but I also can't imagine liking gay sex. That doesn't mean that gay guys don't like it as much as I like straight sex.

It is harder for me to imagine not liking sex at all than it is for me to imagine liking gay sex, but I guess if I didn't have a sex drive I _would_ find the whole thing a bit gross. Poor guy.

Neshobanakni said...

Not so uncommon. I'm a longfellow, but my arrow's blade is narrow compared to the shaft. This condition consigns us to measuring our worth by the pleasure we give vs. what we receive. We give up on personal pleasure and simply enjoy pleasure given. Being a big guy helps, if just psychologically.

David said...

Could it just be that people with happy sex lives have no need to visit this web site.
Oops...

David said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lee Reynolds said...

As others have pointed out, this guy is using sex neutral terms like "partner" instead of girlfriend and "their needs" instead of "her needs."

We assume he is a normal straight guy who is talking about having sex with a woman, but what if he is not?

Imagine a nominally gay man who doesn't like gay sex. Sounds like someone in the heterosexual closet to me.

On the other hand, maybe he's just so steeped in the euphemistic language of PC nonsense that he uses terms like "partner" reflexively instead of deliberately.

Cloudbuster said...

The people who are saying "he's gay" are evincing a peculiar myopia of our popular culture. For one thing, as someone else pointed out, he never refers to a woman, just a "partner" -- it's entirely possible that he could be talking about gay sex already!

But, more important, the comments reflect an assumption that "everybody loves sex, he must just not be having the right kind of sex for him!" That's simply not true.

Some people simply don't like sex, or don't value it highly in their life priorities. It may be a pathology, or it may simply be an extreme on a normal spectrum of behavior.

Peoples' sex drives diminish as they age. Their priorities change. I've seen it change for me. I've got five kids and the sex part of sex is just fine with me, but after I was divorced, I realized that I was really past the point where the emotional burdens of new romantic relationships were attractive to me. The dating scene actively repels me -- I'm old enough to not really want to be bothered with going out and impressing the ladies. I'm not needy enough to require the emotional component of a romantic relationship -- I get enough from children, family and friends -- and the sex simply isn't a big enough deal to me anymore. I'm not a slave to the little guy down there. Thank God.

Astro said...

@Strelnikov -- Use an html tag. here's how:

How to make a link
(The quote marks that are shown there aren't actually needed, but don't hurt, either.)

Here's the link you posted:

Zappa

Californio_6th_ gen said...

He is likely an abuse victim. He reacts with shame and disgust when sexual feelings are prompted.

dperry said...

Something like 40% of Prudence's letters are all on one basic theme -- "(Joe/Jane) is the most wonderful (guy/girl) I've ever met, but there's one thing about (him/her) that really bothers me . . ."

Most of the time, it's either:
a.) Something so trivial ("she eats animal crackers in bed") that you just want to slap the person and say "Get over it, already!", or:
b.) It's something so major ("he's unemployed, and just sits around all day watching TV and drinking beer") that you just want to slap the person and say, "Maybe they're not the catch you think they are!!"

Miss "Really pretty" is one of the rare in-between cases: it's legitimate to be concerned over whether your partner will contribute sufficiently to the family income, but saying that you're afraid you're passing up the opportunity to attract some rich guy with your looks is a bit over the top.

Another 40% of the letters seem to be "How do I solve this awkward situation that has arisen between me and my (in-laws/ex's parents/stepchild)?"