Who is Althouse? * View only LAW posts * Contribute * Use my Amazon Portal
I started paying attention to the show in about 1977, possibly in reruns. It struck me then that the dialogue was coarse, focused on verbal one-two punches delivered by a short redhead who always finished her lines with her chin stuck out toward the recipient as if daring them to give her one to the jaw. The audience went wild.I think that show and those of the genre, including All In The Family, contributed to the acceptance of coarseness and put-downs in our daily discourse since that time. The viewer was never in danger of learning big words, such as "perspicacity" (I thank Ward Cleaver, Beaver's dad, for teaching me this one), in these shows. Nor was there any risk of learning manners.
Snyder paid overcompensating attention to Bonnie to sublimate his desire for her youngest daughter.They purposefully did not have any scenes in the building's laundry room. A Place of bad Things waiting ti happen within the proximity of warm fresh underwear.
Snyder had spent so many years as a carny, the instinct never goes away.
Women's underwear would go missing from the laundry room on a semi-regular basis. Snyder always said he would look into it."I'll get to the bottoms of this," he'd say.
She was winsome in commercials, but I'll always remember her as Margaret Sanger.
Sometimes he would wear a pair of the purloined panties underneath his jeans and utility belt while fixing the dishwasher of the underwear's rightful owner.The Excitement would Tingle.
Snyder kept Special Boxs of Momentos hidden carefully under his bed. Each box corresponded to a different floor in the building.
I can't say with this show TV programming actually began pandering to the lowest common denominator, but it certainly made a contribution.
Sometimes Snyder would use a woman's discarded stockings to filter his morning coffee. He called those cups "Lady Joe."
Two cups of "Lady Joe" and he was ready for a Great Day. No faltering refrigerator would go unrepaired.
By astute listening to the building's pipes Snyder could tell how long certain female individuals took in the shower. With this knowledge he could knock on a door with a high probability of the woman answering in a towel.
Snyder was always prompt to evaluate low water pressure in a resident's shower. He would ask questions to determine how the resident showered to determine the best water pressure solution.People do a great many things in the shower, he learned over the years.
Snyder so to it that particularly attractive new residents were located adjacent to an empty apartment.He would spend hours in the empty apartment, listening. To listen is to learn.
He would tell some working women that he undestood how it was to be on your feet all day. In fact, he had developed a special massage that did wonders for his feet. Perhaps he could demonstrate the technique.
The little toe -- often overlooked -- was essential to the success of the technique.
"Ahhh," he would exclaim, "the problem is you are wearing shoes one size too big."Women seemed to love to hear that.Often they would then buy shoes one size smaller. At the end of the day: more potential for foot massage.
"I can see you had a rough day," he would sometimes remark. "The tension in your shoulders is obvious to anyone looking with care in their hearts."
"The only thing I do better than foot massage is shoulder-and-neck massage. It is a gift."
"Perhaps we could talk about your day over a cup of coffee. In fact, I have my special blend of 'Lady Joe' in my Thermos right now."
"Yeah, I understand a lot of women have found underwear missing from their laundry. There are some warped people out there," he would say, shaking his head.Meanwhile, he thought: 'tonight I will revisit Box 8."
Box 8 was a Special Box. Indeed, it might be time for there to be Special Box 8B.One can fit only so many memories in a single box.
When feeling particularly bold Snyder might take a dress from the laundry room, but only for a limited time.He would return it in that resident's laundry at a later day.The look on their face as they discovered their lost dress was often priceless.
In the interim he would sit on his recliner, eyes closed, with the dress carefully draped over his face. A Dean Martin LP would play softly in the background.
Quick, do a Gatsby post so betamax has an outlet for his literary yearnings.
Some dresses were 'pre-laundry' dresses, some were 'post-laundry.'Every day provided opportunities for new experiences.
If the dress was polka-dot Snyder would take great care to position one of the dots over his nose and mouth. Aesthetics were important.
Snyder was always on the lookout for when a female resident discarded a pair of shoes. Those were Great Days.
He would carefully remove an insole and steam it over the stove until the scent permeated his apartment.Superstitious, Snyder always chose to start with the insole of a left shoe.
On another burner he would boil an egg he secreted away from a female resident's apartment.Add a polka-dot dress and it was Heaven in Indianapolis.
The rest of the shoe would go in a box under the bed, for later 'usages'.A Gentleman does not tell.
Sometimes he suspected that Barbara Romano would seem suspicious of him. If this occurred while he happened to be wearing her panties and concurrently having one of her discarded shoes in his Utility Belt the Excitement was Exquisite.
Once Barbara had asked why he had a woman's shoe in his Utility Belt."They are the best tool for dealing with spiders" he had replied.Mentioning 'spiders' to women often caused a change in subject.
Snyder knew that you could learn almost everything you needed to know about a woman by what she had in her laundry and what she had chosen to thrown away as trash.
There was a palpable spark he would experience when he would see a female resident wearing the very same polka-dot dress that had been draped over his face just a few days previous.As the building's pipes would attest, she took rather long showers.
Sometimes he would knock on her door and ask if she had any problems with spiders in her apartment.If need be, he could look around, just to be safe.
Sometimes he would smoosh an imaginary spider by the bed. Laying groundwork.
The most attractive women had the most imaginary spiders.Smoosh.Smoosh - smoosh.Smoosh.''
Sometimes he would be on his knees smooshing imaginary spiders when he would stop suddenly. Looking up quizzically he would ask "Did you hear something?""?""Well, it's probably nothing..."More groundwork.
Then he might casually mention how there was a vacant furnished apartment adjoining his own - in fact they shared a door and the lock was broken, but the offer was there.Smoosh.Smoosh-smoosh.Quizzical look.
"She was, as they say, from the West, a ginger-spattered rube locked in time, dying in a living room, a cheaply-veneered prison, drawn dark by curls of stale cigarette smoke and the diminishing mark of single motherhood. "
Ann, I notice that you do not discipline or censor betamax3000 for the crime of excessive spacing in his posts.
Post a Comment