June 4, 2012

Anecdote in "What Couples Want to Know But Are Too Shy to Ask" seemed much more interesting at first.

It's in the Wall Street Journal, which does sometimes have articles about sex:
About 10 years ago, Ms. Madsen started to feel unhappy and unfulfilled....

Ms. Madsen went to bed around 8:30, woke up at 5 and liked to have sex at night. Mr. Madsen went to bed at midnight, woke up at 7 and liked it in the morning. When his wife asked him to come to bed earlier, he explained that he was still working. "I acknowledged that we needed to schedule time to have sex more often, but realistically, not much changed," he says.

Some of Ms. Madsen's friends were having extramarital affairs and encouraged her to do the same. "I wanted to feel sexually alive again, too," she says. Instead, she decided to try sex therapy, and several therapists helped her explore her desires. She read erotic books....

It took six months, though, for Ms. Madsen to get up the nerve to talk to her husband about her realization....
Then I read "Pamela [is] an author and blogger about topics including female sexuality" and I wasn't interested in her story anymore. It's not that I'm against blogging (or against other bloggers). It's that I'm reading an article that seemed like it was on a general topic and now it looks like it was built on that anecdote and that anecdote was concocted as material to flesh out a blog. What's all this stuff doing on a blog? Of course, I can answer that question, but the story loses authenticity. What is this relationship, if it was blogged about? Actually, looking at the details of the story, it seems pretty screwy. Or is it banal? She goes to a sex therapist for 6 months before talking to her husband? And she's someone who writes about sex?

(And, by the way, if you like to go to bed at 8:30 — 8:30! — and your husband likes to stay up until midnight, you need to learn about first sleep/second sleep. The interval between the 2 sleeps is a traditional time for having sex.)

15 comments:

Matthew Sablan said...

So many problems could be solved by just saying: "Hey, this is a problem." Though, you have to wonder if the husband ever asked what she was going to therapy for, or if she just hid that from him (or just never mentioned it). Also, the title on the bar (not the headline on the page) is: "How to talk to your spouse about improving your sex life." It bothers me when headlines are different in different places.

Though: "Some of Ms. Madsen's friends were having extramarital affairs and encouraged her to do the same."

She needs new friends, and her friends probably are mortified this ended up in print. Unless I missed the part where Madsen's a pseudonym.

NorthOfTheOneOhOne said...

Would love to know how this would have played out if the husband had had the affair idea first.

rhhardin said...

I dropped the WSJ when it started writing for women.

Lyssa said...

If you can't discuss it with your husband, there's no way in hell you should be discussing it with your friends.

Particularly those kinds of friends.

MayBee said...

"Have an affair" comes before "hey, mention it to your husband"?

What a bunch of barely functional people.

edutcher said...

A lot of marriage is finding the right middle ground. You can't be 25 (in terms of sex) forever.

Agree with Lyssa, but even more, MayBee.

Especially MayBee.

Erika said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Erika said...

Me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me.

Who decides this self-absorption by people with no communication skills who are driven entirely by appetite is remotely compelling reading to the general public?

Scott M said...

If you want to net a win in the sexual longevity thing between a husband and wife, try like hell to do two very simple things. And they are simple, don't make excuses.

1) Whatever weight you were at when you got married, try to stay at/very near that weight. It's really not that hard and don't blame aging metabolisms. Sure, you're going to soften up a bit with age, but that doesn't mean you have to let yourself go just because the hunt is over.

2) Guys...you know what physical aspect of your body your woman likes. Take the time to work that area, be it shoulders, butt, whatever.

Girls...same as above, with one caveat. Whatever shape the "forest" was in when you went through courtship and got married, that's probably where he wants you to keep it.

A lot of women, post-nuptials tend to let that area turn into a a set from Life After People. Around the 50 year mark.

William said...

This is not my area of greatest expertise, and I am not entitled to pass judgement on anyone except porno cannibal killers. However, it does seem to me that lots and lots of women suffer from the Madame Bovary syndrome. I just don't think there are infinite romantic possibilities when you rut with the same person over a protracted period of time. You can buy scented candles and sprinkle rose petals on the sheets, but you're still rutting with the same person. There's some symptomatic relief to be had by having an affair with the husband of some friend who counsels adultery, but that just begs the question. Whatever dynamics that makes you husband dull and prediictable will soon erode the attraction of your friend's husband in a similar way.....My only recommendation to women is that they stop watching porn. Movies likes Sleepless in Seattle and any Hugh Grant romcom arouse expectations that are bound to be frustrated by real life experrience. I would recommend watching the HBO series, Girls. That sets a sufficiently low bar that we can all feel that our sex life is more thrilling and satisfying than what goes on in movies.

Larry J said...

It sounds like the woman in this story is one of those who fell for the notion that "if he really loved me, he'd know what I want."

When my wife and I got married 29 years ago, I told her that if she has a problem, she needs to tell me about it. I can't read minds. If I could, I'd make a living cleaning up at the poker tables in Vegas.

Though: "Some of Ms. Madsen's friends were having extramarital affairs and encouraged her to do the same."

She needs new friends, and her friends probably are mortified this ended up in print. Unless I missed the part where Madsen's a pseudonym.


I've heard of too many cases of newly divorced women who want their friends to get divorced, too so they can all be single together. I wonder what percentage of the 70% of all divorces being initiated by women have this as an ultimate cause. With no-fault divorce, all she has to do is say she's unhappy. Odds are very good she'll end up with the house, the kids, half or more of the assets, and a good percentage of his income for years to come. What's not to like?

sfw said...

Scott M is right. Too many women (and Men) turn into fat unattractive slobs by the time their forty. You don't have to be the same as when you were young just don't put on 25kg and expect the other half to drawn to you (without the use of alcohol).

As for sex during the night, well there is the bad breath problem. If it is going to happen it has to be EWOK style (entry without kissing).

The Crack Emcee said...

Some Scum of the Earth were having extramarital affairs and encouraged her to do the same.

FIFY

If she was smart, she'd drop every one of them - and tell her husband who they are, too, so he knows exactly how little they gave a damn about him. No hiding and snarking behind anyone's back with their bullshit - expose every one of them for the mayhem they were trying to start. Let them have a taste of the real deal and see how they like it.

The bastards,...

The Crack Emcee said...

sfw,

Scott M is right. Too many women (and Men) turn into fat unattractive slobs by the time their forty.

I don't see one word about intimacy here - or even a thought of it - it's just sex, sex, sex on the brain. The ramblings of morons.

I hate to break it to you but, if you're married, you're going to grow old together - and there's nothing you can do about it. What are you going to say when the inevitable frailties begin? "Stop it, you don't turn me on anymore"? Of course, some idiot will, but that will be an idiot - someone who never developed any deeper understanding of life, or love, or their spouse, than what was skin deep.

ScottM is right? Hardly:

He might as well be advising you to get a tattoo,...

Scott M said...

ScottM is right? Hardly:

Says the man with the long-lasting, very successful marriage. My comment was related to sex. Only sex. Intimacy is a default setting in a healthy marriage, Crack, but you don't know much about that, do you?

Rant on. It suits you.