October 16, 2010

How the downward spiral begins.

"I was too timid to buy a 'DiGiorno for One' at the store because I didn't want the cashier to think I was a dork so I bought full sized one and now I'm stuffing my face."

ADDED: Here's what to do next time. Chat up the cashier, saying: "These things are great, but you know, they say 'for one' and it's actually plenty for me and my wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend." And if the cashier is attractive to you, say: "They say 'for one,' but which 'one' are they talking about? I only want to eat like half of this." If she/he smiles, say: "You want half?" Etc. etc.

63 comments:

traditionalguy said...

Is this another obese American in the making? The perils of abundance must be managed, not that there is anything wrong with disciplined gluttony.Look at St. Claus.

Triangle Man said...

The metaphorical large pizza of the individual mandate being stuffed down our collective timid esophagus?

ricpic said...

It's so great to get beyond caring what the cashier thinks.

Meade said...

Also, tell her she looks like a student. When she says, "Oh, I get that all the time," tell her I'm sure you do, little cutie, I'm sure you do.

pm317 said...

Before next time, read

What Do You Care What Other People Think ?: Further Adventures of a Curious Character

by Richard Feynman

Big Mike said...

@pm317, A very good book! Please tell me you're a mathematician or a physicist.

Albatross said...

What ricpic said.

Albatross said...

And, speaking of caring what the cashier thinks, I've never understood why guys should be embarrassed to buy tampons. To me, it advertises that you have a woman at home waiting for you.

And what's wrong with that?

Albatross said...

Besides, I mean, obviously advertising that you will be waiting a few days, too.

DADvocate said...

Who cares what the cashier thinks? If he/she gives you a funny look or makes a nasty comment, report them to the manager and get them fired.

Put several in your cart, look at the straight in the eye and say, "I love these things. I'm going to eat the whole f*#king thing and another for desert! I already had one for breakfast and another for lunch."

pm317 said...

Hey Big Mike, LOL.. neither but my brother is a physicist. Does that count?

AllenS said...

Try this: "Nice tits, want half my pizza?"

DADvocate said...

"Nice tits, want half my pizza?"

That probably works best if you're male and the cashier is female, not necessarily though. If you're into same sex stuff, look for subtle clues as to the cashier's sexual orientation.

bagoh20 said...

Women often do this thing where they try to pretend that they eat very little. Here's an insight: If you are fat, we are not buying the act. Men don't mind a big eating woman as long as she doesn't look the part. It's always perplexing to see what some women will do to be attractive, including spend a fortune on products and services. 80% of being attractive is being a normal weight. Forget the makeup and the expensive clothes and the constant hair restyling. Save your money, and just eat right and exercise.

edutcher said...

No problem with buying anything for one. You say, "We're on a diet and just need a change from oatmeal".

Albatross said...

And, speaking of caring what the cashier thinks, I've never understood why guys should be embarrassed to buy tampons. To me, it advertises that you have a woman at home waiting for you.

And what's wrong with that?


The Blonde's brothers are paranoid about losing their guy cards so she still can't believe I had no problem going into Strawbridge's to see if they had a bra in her size.

(They did. I bought it for her)

DADvocate said...

"Nice tits, want half my pizza?"

That probably works best if you're male and the cashier is female, not necessarily though. If you're into same sex stuff, look for subtle clues as to the cashier's sexual orientation.


I can see it working for a brassy girl on a really buff guy.

bagoh20 said...

You save a lot by buying the full size pizza. If you have a toaster oven, you can make any portion you want. I only buy the full size now and simply cook one slice at a time. I get 2 slices per large pizza.

EDH said...

"I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do."

You're a cashier!

traditionalguy said...

Now check out with Pizza for One and a box of tampons too, that would be a tad embarrassing.

ndspinelli said...

What ricpic said times 3.

DADvocate said...

Now check out with Pizza for One and a box of tampons too, that would be a tad embarrassing.

Not if you're female.

If male, just explain that you still live with your mother. ;-)

1jpb said...

Does my reading compression suck, or is Althouse providing a 'how to cheat' road map for folks w/ a wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend?

And, Even if the customer doesn't really have a wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend, the cashier will either a) believe them, and still go out w/ them even though they're being a home wrecker, or b) think the customer is a psycho lier who pretends to have a wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend.

I think Althouse's blue print is basically on track, but I'd take out the part where you lie. But that's just me. Alhouse has, retroactively, admitted to lying about her dinner in a post, so why not do it at the grocery store?

Ann Althouse said...

Nice moobs!

Ann Althouse said...

"Does my reading compression suck, or is Althouse providing a 'how to cheat' road map for folks w/ a wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend?"

You're reading "compression" sucks. We've got a situation where the pizza-buyer is living alone and embarrassed about it. I've suggested a lie about a nonexistent partner so he/she could keep the cashier from thinking he/she is a "dork." The alternate suggestion is in case you don't want the cashier to think you have a partner. In either case, we've got a customer who is partnerless.

traditionalguy said...

Maybe he can try E-Harmony and put down that he loves Pizza and full size gals.

DADvocate said...

I've suggested a lie about a nonexistent partner so he/she could keep the cashier from thinking he/she is a "dork."

If you're worried about the cashier thinking you're a dork, you have major issues. Call TMink or some other therapist.

1jpb said...

I was sixty percent sure that was the problem.

I also mix up your and you're (not to mention all sorts of other words, too) a lot more than Althosue does.

AllenS said...

Customer: "Nice zits, want half my pizza?"

1jpb: "Thanks, but I'm on a diet."

Meade said...

"Thanks but I'm on a dīt."

Christy said...

I still remember being embarrassed to death as a 15 year old when I realized how it looked walking into McDonalds and ordering 5 Big Macs and a diet coke. (This was before drive-thru.) I was eating mine before being dropped off and Mom was taking the rest home.

Oligonicella said...

Apply ricpic's response generously.

It's called fretting because it consumes you.

Chip Ahoy said...

Iron Chef Michael Symon went to Boston for Food Feuds pizza episode to compare Regina Pizzeria with Santarpio's.

Regina Pizzeria ages their dough. "We don't even think about touching it for at least three or four days." This surprised me. I age the dough overnight and it does make a significant difference. Three to four or more days aging, even cold, would produce sufficient acid to equate to veritable sourdough, although the culture would lack the bacterial component of actual sourdough.

I thought in that moment, "if the other place does not age their dough, then you're going to win." And that's what happened.

The second place concentrated on their sauce. They cooked it longer than any sauce can use a thorough cooking. The reason always given is so that the flavors marry, and I always think when they say that, "BFD." The cook also said they spread the sauce on top of the cheese rather than on top of the dough but he had no good reason why. "It's just the way I've always done it." Bad reason. He doesn't know why he does such a reversal, he just does it? The reason would be to protect the cheese from burning, but he didn't say that and that reason never came out during the episode.

Neither place incorporated semolina flour into their dough, and ah pity the foo who runs a pizza shop and who doesn't incorporate at least 20% hard duram semolina. So in my view, neither one deserved a trophy and I learned nothing from the episode except possibly aging the dough even longer, and the reaffirmation to make my own pizza when I want one which turns out to be almost never.

pm317 said...

He doesn't know why he does such a reversal, he just does it? The reason would be to protect the cheese from burning,
--------------

it will also not make the dough soggy.

Coketown said...

Traditional guy: I'm 5'11 and 165--pretty much dead average on the BMI. I couldn't get pudgy even if I wanted.

And Ann, only you can make a tacky pick-up line drip with charm. If I tried the "want half?" line I would have felt as dumb as if I'd said, "That work smock is very becoming on you..." Andddd you know the rest.

Coketown said...

Oh, and it really doesn't help when 95% of the commenters are extreme extroverts! You all simply cannot know the torment an introvert goes through when buying pizza for one.

I'm being mostly facetious. But still, eating for one, on a Friday night, it's sad.

deborah said...

Chip, would not a possible purpose of putting the cheese on first protect the dough from sogginess by creating an oil shield? This is a silly idea, however, because at the end of baking the cheese should be broiled if it hasn't achieved bubbling and slightly browned blessed goodness.

Trooper York said...

We were in the wine and cheese last night. When we sat down the bartender Giacamo came over to say hello. This yuppie twat comes over and buts right in to our conversation. She wants to talk about her new puppy, a boxer. She goes..."he is going to be really big. You can see from his paws he is going to be big but people think I am starving him but I tell them you can overfeed them. Everybody in the neighborhood have fat dogs. I am never going to have a fat dog."

Imagine that! She would be ashamed to have a fat puppy. But she was in luck.

I managed to get to the wife before she punched her out.

Trooper York said...

The anti-chubby posts are getting kind of old.

One fucking pizza is not going to make you obese.

Get over yourselfs you fucking morons.

EDH said...

Chip Ahoy said...
Iron Chef Michael Symon went to Boston for Food Feuds pizza episode to compare Regina Pizzeria with Santarpio's.

Thanks, Chip, for the heads up. Despite all the recommendations over the years, I've never got my ass over to Santarpio's because it's over by the friggin airport.

Regina Wins!

Ann Althouse said...

"And Ann, only you can make a tacky pick-up line drip with charm."

I doubt it. I don't think I ever once in my life got together with a stranger that I just started talking to in a store or something. I'm sure I mostly snubbed or was coldly polite to anyone who talked to me. So if it's a world full of Althouses, don't bother trying.

deborah said...

Coketown, that's why you have us!

Now here's what you do: go to ten convenience stores in a row. Buy one single-serve pizza, a box of tampons, and a box of condoms. Look the cashier straight in the eye and ask for one auto lotto.

Report back when you're done.

pm317 said...

I'm being mostly facetious. But still, eating for one, on a Friday night, it's sad.
---------------

Not really. You're the center of attention here, unless you think if you don't see us, we don't exist.

c3 said...

I feel bad for Coketown. Not the for the pizza buying episode

but for this semi-public ridicule

DADvocate said...

But still, eating for one, on a Friday night, it's sad.

It's better than eating for two all by yourself.

DADvocate said...

BTW - I just ate a large Snappy Tomato Pizza, half ham, half anchovies, by my self. Yum!

1jpb said...

No 'pizza' tag?

That's only for Meadzza.

ndspinelli said...

#1 Pizzeria Regina

#2 tie Frank Pepe's and Sally's

Finally, Vegas has 3-1 odds that partnerless "friend" of the prof remains that way and becomes a spooky old cat lady.

k*thy said...

Really, we're supposed to put on a horse and pony show in the grocery line? Listen, no one's ever acused me of being an extrovert. Ever.

What ripic said.

MadisonMan said...

The one thing I don't like about Trader Joe's here in town is the chat the cashier does. I'm all about shut up and get me the hell out of here.

Agony is standing behind some young thing who actually engages in a conversation with the cashier.

blake said...

The Internet can be your gateway to controlled introversion.

Anyone remember The Lonely Guy?

I feel a song coming on....

I can cook a little
But it's not a lot to shout about
It's kind of mean cuisine
So I eat out

Hey, the know me at the Greek,
The chicken, the Italian, the Indian, too
They all say, "Here comes that sad American man!
What're we gonna do?"

Well, you can put me at the table
In the corner in the back
Unless you got one
In the telephone booth
I'm here and I'm alone again,
It's said, but it's the truth

No, I'm not expecting anyone,
Is that beyond belief?
Give me the menu,
Take away the candle
Never mind the aperitif

They got a couple of couples
A trio and a foursome
They even got a party of eight
I'm gettin' that look
I wish I'd brought a book
Or better yet,
I wish I'd already ate....

former law student said...

Just make eye contact with the cashier and say, "Ridiculous, huh? But that's what the girl my wife met on Craigslist said she wanted, and I'm sure as hell not going to argue."

Trooper York said...

Jeeeez. No wonder youse guys are always hanging around on the internets.

Get out and talk to people. What the hell do you care what the cashier thinks. Blow it off, be friendly but not too friendly for crying out loud.

Trooper York said...

I know pretty much every waitress, bartender, cashier and delivery guy in places that I patronize by their names. Because they are people too. You can act like a freaking human being and acknowledge their existance. You aren't better than them. They are people just like you.

"CHASIERS ARE PEOPLE......"

former law student said...

What the hell do you care what the cashier thinks.

Why do people think the cashier even give two flicks about them? Pondering the contents of any one person's cart must get old after the first thousand customers or so.

Introversion must be a type of self-centeredness. It's not all about you, people!

Synova said...

They keep don't they?

Instead of buying DiGiorno for One, buy a few of them. No one will know the difference between one pizza for you, or everyone getting to make their own with different toppings.

jayne_cobb said...

Stuffing your face?

I used to eat those by myself and still be starving afterwards. Granted I was training for a marathon at the time and regularly burning 1200+ calories per run, but still....

dick said...

The link shows the photo from the color posting.

DADvocate said...

the torment an introvert goes through

What about us extroverts?! Always feeling like talking to everyone, smiling, waving, shaking hands, hugging babies, endless discussions... It's really gets tiresome.

Coketown said...

To finish off the thread for today, I'll relate what happened at the store this afternoon:

Taking the advice of the eye-rollers and individuals here feigning incredulousness at this, this PERSON, who cares what the cashier thinks, I decided to man up and buy a DiGiornio for One. Between Season 5 of the Golden Girls and Guns & Ammo sat the pizza. The cashier gently raised it up to scan, then set it aside, clasped my hands betwixt hers, and said she felt for me, and despite constant companionship of bag boys and customers a cashier can feel lonesome, too. Then it happened: She took me, right there on the conveyor belt.

Just kidding. I'm not nearly as big a loser as I come off. The only reason I bought pizza last night was because my boyfriend is sick and wasn't up for dinner. Some people should actually get licensed before playing psychologist. (That means you, trooper york.) Good night, my lovelies.

bagoh20 said...

"eating for one, on a Friday night, it's sad. "

I absolutely love it. I used to go out for dinner and drinks, but for the last year, I have been savoring the lonely life. Thanks to the internet which allows me to choose my entertainment content with great granularity, including reading you guys here, I just love an evening alone. It's heaven, but I think I'm unusual in my enjoyment of solitude. Company is great, but only in small doses.

traditionalguy said...

Coketown...You are a gem. Thanks for the repartee tonight. Does Coke-Town mean Atlanta? If so, then I'll see you some day at a checkout line. And did you see in the AJC that a gang of armed robbers hit the Publix at Northside Parkway and Paces Ferry?

br549 said...

I don't have a problem buying pizza for one, tampons, Secret deodorant, or Summer's Eve. If it's on the list, I buy it.

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mike said...

i saw you playin frisbee by yourself
on the hottest day of the year
it was never meant to be a game for one I fear
with a dictionary you couldn't find fun
i saw you at the pizaria buyin pizza for one

pizza for one pizza for one
I saw you drive away with a pizza for one