April 4, 2010

At the Masters, Tiger Woods will have 90 bodyguards to protect him from the women he screwed.

"None of these girls are allowed anywhere near him... If one photo comes out of a beautiful lady touching him, it would be a disaster."

So not just "these girls" — the ones he fucked — but any "beautiful lady"? Doesn't that make you — female readers only — want to doll yourself up and head down to Augusta, Georgia to see if you can sidle into a photo frame with Tiger?

Ordinary spectators are not allowed to have cameras at a golf tournament. They even search your bag. You'll be at the mercy of the authorized photographers inside the event. But won't they try to frame Tiger with pretty ladies in the background? (Don't they do that anyway, without even any sex scandal to for resonance.) What if a beautiful woman stands stands on the other side of the hole when Tiger is putting? She'd be framed in professional photographs. And she'd distract him with her feminine radiations. She'd be kicked out of the golf course, I bet.

16 comments:

kentuckyliz said...

What about plain Janes?

Tiger surrounded by plain Janes--they'll say his standards have declined.

eve said...

Well, why don't they just not allow female spectators until Tiger gets his zen back?

Pogo said...

"What if a beautiful woman stands on the other side of the hole when Tiger is putting?"

Might make his putter stand up.


Yelling 'In the hole!' will forever make him blush.

Old Dad said...

There's a reason that Tiger chose the Masters for his return. The tournament is extraordinarily well run, and the patrons are unfailingly polite. The men in green jackets will not tolerate rudeness, and will have no compunction about removing a hooligan and his ticket. Tickets are heirlooms worth many thousands of dollars. Tiger will get a little shellacking at the press conference on Monday, but then he'll be home free. Now the Phoenix Open would be another story. My guess is that the public will quickly lose interest in the scandal side of the story. Golf fans just want to watch Tiger play.

cathy said...

Beautiful? His taste was shocking.

rhhardin said...

What if a beautiful woman stands stands on the other side of the hole when Tiger is putting?

Some veiling is needed.

Alex said...

Old Dad:

Now the Phoenix Open would be another story. My guess is that the public will quickly lose interest in the scandal side of the story. Golf fans just want to watch Tiger play.

You really have no clue. This scandal has legs!

edutcher said...

Feminine radiations? Well, now we know how Meade was won.

Alex said...

Old Dad:

Now the Phoenix Open would be another story. My guess is that the public will quickly lose interest in the scandal side of the story. Golf fans just want to watch Tiger play.

You really have no clue. This scandal has legs!


Among other parts.

Cedarford said...

Well, part of the undiscussed matter is the good-looking blonde models that SEEK OUT wealthy professional athletes and entertainers and Russian Oligarchs.

Poor Erin treated badly after hanging with the European golf tour guys, then upgraded to the PGA circuit? Did Tiger find her, or did she find Tiger?

How many other A-list blonde models have bitterly complained that their megamillionaire rock star or billionaire oligarch was self-centered and strayed?
Or all the blonde B-lister models who say their black athlete from the NBA or NFL who squired them as the trophies the models thought they were, to parties and sired their child, then go on a massive "baby's got back" screwing spree and tap the other eager blonde groupies on the road?

Collective blonde stupidity. They thing their looks matter more than all the cultural differences.

Not that black athletes and entertainers and Russian rich men are the only hound dogs out there. Lots of scandals involving white athletes and politicians, too. Like with black, Latin athletes like A-Rod - dutifully looked the other way on most of the time.

So Tiger goes out and plays golf again, and defenders of dumb blondes will call them heels until they think the next gossip scandal about a powerful man and a comely blonde is more worthy of their attentions.

traditionalguy said...

Tiger is us white male golfers' friend/hero and we want him back. He ran away for a time with Courtesans, but we have him back now and WILL protect him. It must be a part of our rascism rising up again.

AllenS said...

For about an hour, I'd forgotten that Woods was black.

Charlie Martin said...

— female readers only —

now, don't be narrow.

cokaygne said...

Actually, unlike the man in the White House who was raised by his white mother and white grandparents but checks African American on the census form, Tiger has a record of proudly proclaiming his multiracial background.

People started following Tiger because he was a novelty in the hitherto white world of the PGA tour. Lee Trevino, considered a member of the "Hispanic" race by the US Census, was perhaps the first non-white major golf pro, but nobody thought of him that way. Tiger Woods kept and expanded his following beyond the novelty phase by being an extraordinary golfer.

One supposes there will be conflicts in a lot of households, perhaps MeadeHouse, as the guys sit down to watch one of the greatest golfers ever, but are urged to boycott the faithless snake by their vicariously wounded spouses.

Shawn Levasseur said...

“Ordinary spectators are not allowed to have cameras at a golf tournament. They even search your bag. You'll be at the mercy of the authorized photographers inside the event”

Thankfully there are camera phones.

David said...

That beautiful woman will have to get there early and know where to stand. The spots around greens fill up early. The Masters etiquette is that if someone has a chair or blanket in a spot around a green and leaves it for a while, they get it back when they return.

Lee Trevino was not white? They must have been photoshopping him for 50 years.

I want the 2020 census to have options for the following:

Swarthy
Dusky
Pale

It's self identification, so who could possibly object?

Rose said...

Yeah, I'm not sure how much sympathy Elin Woods deserves. presumably she knew his reputation, but he undoubtedly told her, as part of his line, that he was willing to give it all up for her, and you can forgive her for believing it because that is the key part of the fairytale romance.

But now we're supposed to overlook his transgressions. Like Clinton's. While I basically agree that no one should lose their job over an affair, the idea that they continue to be glorified after proving themselves unworthy of the most basic trust and vow - I just don't feel like going there.

There are good men. Decent, honest, dedicated, smart, wonderful committed men in everyday life who get no respect while arrogant assholes like Tiger (and that's what he has shown himself to be) get held up as some kind of icon - where do our values really lie?

On the ground, in REAL life, we know what the answer is. We know it in our day to day lives.

And that is, in an odd sort of way, also what the Tea Parties are all about. In an odd sort of way we are at a point in time where we have to decide what we really believe in, what we really value, what we really care about, and where we really want to go and be as a country.

Far as I am concerned, Tiger ain't it.