October 18, 2009

"We men have complicated relationships with our penises...."

"We follow them (that’s why they’re in front). They tell us what we like. They have minds of their own. We anthropomorphize them; some give them names (I don’t; it’s just it). So when I see mine looking like an emaciated, depressed, shrunken old man in a hospital bed, well, it’s hard not to empathize."

37 comments:

AllenS said...

Of course we have relationships with our penises. I've always been amazed that mine has never had a conscience. I've had to follow it to places that I shouldn't comment on. Lately, I've noticed that it's either getting shorter, or I'm growing another foreskin.

Theo Boehm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John Lynch said...

WTF-- totally not the blog I'd expect to be linked to with that lead in.

ricpic said...

I take Selenium, 200 milligrams daily (one pill) as a guard against prostate cancer. Have been doing so for years. So far so good. I highly recommend doing the same, for all you middle aged dudes out there. Do I know it helps? I think it helps.

edutcher said...

I read somewhere more sex on a regular basis over time helps in the same sense that childbearing and wetnursing guard against certain cancers in women. If so, a great argument for people to marry young and stay married. Too bad most of us didn't listen, that is 18th- and early 19th-century culture.

Maybe Mother Nature is trying to look out for us; we're just not listening.

WV "oscones" Cones with os on top.
Or Irish scones.

Theo Boehm said...
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MamaM said...

No haiku here...too short and measured a medium for the topic at hand.

wv dendn...as in dendn stretch, reach for the sky.

traditionalguy said...

You can get an extended warranty after 50 years and 100,000 miles. I believe it is part of the Powertrain. They say that using the right lubricants including synthetics extends the life of the pistons.This is about a Prius isn't it.

daubiere said...

"This is about a Prius isn't it."

not prius, priapus....

rhhardin said...

I don't think there's much of a relationship, let alone a complicated one.

It's a mechanism to get free of an obsession temporarily; and the obsession is in your head, not your penis.

Bissage said...

There is nothing wrong with Mr. Javis that can’t be fixed with a three week course of treatment using Bissage’s Pride® Home-Style Penis Ointment, available over the internet.

All he has to do is: (1) apply a nice, thick coat; (2) stick a dong cozy over it; (3) wrap it all up in a plastic bag; and (4) keep thinking about my naked sister.

Results guaranteed.

Picture included!

joewxman said...

i drink a mix of pommegranite and blueberry juice everyday. doctor said my prostrate was miniscule!!!

traditionalguy said...

Daubiere...Thanks for the help. The permanently erect penis problem shows to go you that too much of a good thing is a medical emergency. So what will the over 70 crowd do when the viagra lasts over 4 hours? The National Health care will make them wait 4 months for treatment, and by then the funeral home will just have to cut a hole in the coffin lid to fit him in.

kentuckyliz said...

Part of the complicated relationship is when the penis insists on stupidity leading to 18 years of child support payments.

Just think...people didn't use to live long enough to have old people penis problems.

WV inirro

My name is Inirro Montoya.
You killed my penis.
Prepare to die.

sonicfrog said...

♫ Anytime you rise, I'm here and I'm crazy for you pink thing
You make me want to laugh, you make me want to cry
When I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high
Ooh, pink thing

I want to take you out and show you round the world
Pink thing it'll be okay
If I could only wake you from your slumber curled
Pink thing what would straight folks say?

That man isn't fit to enter heaven
That man is a sinner, ever burning in disgrace
Pink thing, spit in my face, I'd love you for it

Anytime you call, I'll fall, into madness for you pink thing
You make me want to live, you make me want to die
And when I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high
Ooh, pink thing

I wanna take you out and show you to the girls
Pink thing they're a whole new tribe
If you could only see the way the way the gingham swirls
Pink thing it's a whole new vibe

That man isn't fit to be a father
That man is a sinner, 'fore they cast me down to die
Pink thing, spit in my eye, I'd love you for it, yes, I'd love you for it

Anytime you rise, I'm here, I'm crazy for you pink thing
You make me want to laugh, you make me want to cry
When I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high
Ooh, pink thing hundred heartbeats high
Ooh, pink thing hundred heartbeats high

I want to introduce you, take you to the brink thing
I want to introduce you, tell me what you think thing
I want to introduce you, make that missing link thing
Don't you think it's time you met some female pink thing?

You make me want to laugh, you make me want to cry
So why is it I'm happy when there's tears down in your eye?
Ooh, little pink thing, ooh little pink thing ♫

Michael Hasenstab said...

Part of the complicated relationship is when the penis insists on stupidity leading to 18 years of child support payments.

And the co-stupid uterus? or perhaps the entrapment-minded uterus? It gets 18 years of child support payments.

There's plenty of stupid to go around; no one gets shorted.

William said...

Wrinkled dugs or a failing penis: fire and ice. We get to contemplate the aesthetics of our mortality for a few years before we finally perish. I suppose that's the up side: it's easier to follow the sagging flesh and to accept the grave as our last wordly embrace.

ironrailsironweights said...

Now it turns out that the human papilloma virus that causes cervical cancer in women also can cause oral cancer in men* who regularly perform the act which The Joy of Sex calls "faire minette."

* = the sort of women who wear flannel shirts and drive Subarus probably are at risk too

Peter

David said...

It gets more complicated as we get older. When we are young, it's simple. The penis tells us what to do.

lucid said...
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lucid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lucid said...

Blogger

Push-Button Publishing
Delete Comment From: Althouse

Blogger lucid said...

I was diagnosed with prostate cancer about 18 months ago and had a prostatectomy about 16 months ago. Given all the pathology reports, my odds of a recurrence are about 2% at 10 years from now. This will not be my cause of death.

But there is a hell of a lot to go through, and Jeff Jarvis is writing about it bravely. The main thing I would want to tell him and others is that it gets way, way, way better than the situation he is describing at 4 weeks. My sex life and my continence is very close to what it was before the surgery, and it will continue to recover for several more years. The surgery does not affect sexual desire, nor the ability to have an orgasm. But the nerves that allow blood to flow into the penis during an erection are traumatized in the surgery; some of them may be lost (depending on how far the cutting has to go to get all the cancer). The difficulties with continence is caused by the loss of the prostate as a muscle to squeeze the urethra, which passes through the prostate. In some ways, we wind up with a situation that is a little bit like the female anatomy with regard to urinary control--thus women also sometimes struggle with stress incontinence. The best cure is to strengthen the network of muscles that underlie the urinary tract--this is what Kegel exercises do. Most men haven't had to use these muscles for much before a prostatectomy, so they have some muscle-building to do. But it works, and hastens the recovery of erections also.

But there is a lot of depression and sadness and loss of a sense of one's masculine self along the way as one confronts the flaccid state of a once rampant penis and the dampness of dribbles in a pad.

Every man's situation and surgery are a bit different, so results may vary. But most men diagnosed at an early point and who get treated by an experienced surgeon or radiologist will make a very good recovery of both erections and continence. But it takes 18-24 months in most cases. Nerves recover slowly.

For surgery, it is critical--absolutely critical--to get a surgeon who does this operation a lot. This is one of the most demanding surgeries there is technically. It will make all the difference to you to get someone who does this operation a lot and with a lot of success. I traveled 200 miles to get an outstanding surgeon.

And my health insurance was wonderful. I don't think I would have gotten equivalent care under the new government regime in health care. The survival rate for prostate cancer in the US is much higher than it is in Great Britain.

One last thing: About one in six men will get prostate cancer. It is the most common cancer in men and the second leading cause of cancer deaths. It is very similar to breast cancer both physiologically and epidemiologically. But it is under-researched and under-supported, to all of our considerable detriments.

Best book on the subject is Dr. Patrick Walsh's Guide to Surviving Prostate Cancer. He is the guy who operated on Kerry and who invented the surgical approach that now allows for the recovery of erectile function.

Michael Hasenstab said...

If I might add one small post script to blogger Lucid's excellent post above.

Surgical outcomes are better, and damage is lower, if you find a urologist and hospital that offer robotic prostrate surgery.

wv fingr Not making this up.

kentuckyliz said...

Why do penises who don't want to make 18 years of child support payments take foolish risks?

Have y'all heard of Movember? A theme month for testicles and prostates, oh my!

MamaM said...
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Cedarford said...

Michael Hasenstab said...
Part of the complicated relationship is when the penis insists on stupidity leading to 18 years of child support payments.

And the co-stupid uterus? or perhaps the entrapment-minded uterus? It gets 18 years of child support payments.

There's plenty of stupid to go around; no one gets shorted.


You forget about black inner-city scum and their kindred spirits in various barrios and white trash hangouts.

The stupid black penis leads to 18 years of the taxpayer footing the bill for whatever seed it casts that gets planted anywhere.

The dumb uterus associated with the above-mentioned black wastrel, or his hispanic and white peers...gets, not just taxpayer child support payments but free healthcare, free school and food for the kids, free housing, free lawyers, free food for all away from school. And the more spawn comes out of such a dumb uterus - the better! More free money and bennies!

MamaM said...

trite but true

lucid said...

@Michael
Thank you for the compliment. There has been a lot of excitement about the robotic surgery for prostate cancer (which is generally not very available in Europe's health care systems), but I think the jury is still out and the situatin is complicated. There is a steep learning curve for the surgeon with robotics, and not many are there yet. But the results have been mixed and sometimes favor the robotic approach and sometimes the so-called "open" prostatectomy. Here is a link to a new study in the Journal of the American Medical Association that favors the open rather than the robotic approach.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19826025?ordinalpos=1&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_DefaultReportPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum

former law student said...

Time for the limerick Kurt Vonnegut (jr.) put in Slaughterhouse-Five:

There was a young man from Stamboul
Who soliloquized thus to his tool:
"You took all my wealth
And you ruined my health,
And now you won't pee, you old fool."

Michael Hasenstab said...

Why do penises who don't want to make 18 years of child support payments take foolish risks?

And the uteruses, are they simply innocent bystanders, with owners who have no responsibility for the outcome? Ha.

RLB_IV said...

To quote Cederford: "The dumb uterus associated with the above-mentioned black wastrel, or his hispanic and white peers...gets, ..."
Well I guess that Ms Sanger is rolling over in her grave. As you know, PPH continues to fight for the cause. Face it Pal, we pay for it and I personally have no problem contributing to a life that comes from nothing. Cast off your snobbery, man, and read some conservative blogs by American Blacks that have seen the light, such as the Black Sphere and Afrocity. I suppose the alternative is let them eat roaches or starve.

ironrailsironweights said...

There was a young man from Stamboul
Who soliloquized thus to his tool:
"You took all my wealth
And you ruined my health,
And now you won't pee, you old fool."


There once was a man from Stamboul
Who was shocked by red stains on his tool
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic
And wipe off that lipstick, you fool!"

Peter

Steven said...

We men have complicated relationships with our penises, of course.

What's with the we, stupid man?

Fred4Pres said...

Boomer indulgence aside, no one is going to take occasional incontinance and sexual disfunction well--although it is better than cancer. It is a good post for honestly taking the issue on.

But the bottom line is we are dying and we are all going to die. Even Glenn Reynolds. Life is short, enjoy it.

blake said...

No!!! Not Glenn!!

Singularity! Robotics! Nanotech!!!!

blake said...

Was that mean?

Patrick said...

Dear God!

Just buy a Remington 870 and go to a shooting range.

Alternative: Grow a cerebellum:



An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick, unless
Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing
For every tatter in its mortal dress,
Nor is there singing school but studying
Monuments of its own magnificence;
And therefore I have sailed the seas and come
To the holy city of Byzantium.


etc.