February 3, 2007

"I heard that some other gyms are offering courses on 'pole-dancing' as a sport, so I thought: Why not bring something new to the market?"

The new idea for the gym: naked Sunday. Sounds dangerous. All those machines. And not too clean. Even if you avoided the place on Sunday, would you want to use the machines on Monday?
Nude exercisers would be required to put towels down on weight machines and to use disposable seat covers while riding bikes. All machines would be cleaned and disinfected afterward. "We clean them every day anyway"
So you're going to need a layer of material between you and the machines. Shouldn't that be pants?

And another thing, nudes might look reasonably okay strolling around in the sunlight or frolicking in a pool, but do you really want to see them straining with weight machines? Remember that old "Seinfeld" episode, the one where he has a girlfriend who's always naked in the apartment:
JERRY: Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, man.

GEORGE: Everything goes with naked.

JERRY: When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.

GEORGE: Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?

JERRY: But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad.
Naked crouching to pick up a heavy weight? Really, really bad and horrible.
MELISSA: You got anything to snack on?

JERRY: Uhh...

MELISSA: (grabbing the pickle jar and straining to open it) Oh, pickles! Unnhhhh! It's a tough one.

JERRY: Look, please stop! Let me help you with that!

MELISSA: (finally opening the jar) Unnnnh! Oooh. That's gonna leave a welt. Look at that.

JERRY: (leaving the room) I can't. I can't look anymore. I-I-I've seen too much....

...

JERRY: Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva. She did a full body flex on a pickle jar.

I'm picturing men and not women going for this. But it's the men I'm worried about getting... entangled in the machines.

By the way, I see that the "Seinfeld" script never uses the word "nude." It's "naked" every single time. There must be some serious comic research on which words are funnier, and "naked" is funnier than "nude." "Nudes" are serious -- they pose for artists, they have a solemnity and purpose. "Naked" -- it's just an adjective with no corresponding noun. You have to say "naked people." "Naked" has much more potential to be embarrassing and ridiculous.

7 comments:

Meade said...

"So you're going to need a layer of material between you and the machines. Shouldn't that be pants?"

Made me snicker out loud.

Patrick de Man may be da man to some of duh men but I think quite a few of his clients are going to find the whole thing inconvenient and distracting -- targeting the wrong muscle groups, if you know what I mean by 'muscle groups' (and I think you do).

Peter Palladas said...

The notion of mounting an exercise bicycle just used by another sweaty guy or gal sans kit is loathsome.

The occasions on which I wish to share bodily detritus with another are severely restricted. With a stranger in a gym is most certainly not one of them.

Makes me all the more glad that my sporting life has been restricted to snooker and pool these past twenty years.

And don't even think of asking to borrow my cue.

tiggeril said...

UGH.

Thank god for my bike and free weights. I know their innocence remains intact.

vbspurs said...

I stopped sleeping in the nude when I got my chihuahua puppy.

He made me feel naked.

Cheers,
Victoria

Ann Althouse said...

"I stopped sleeping in the nude when I got my chihuahua puppy."

That's really weird! How can some dumb dog make you lose touch with such a basic point of personal comfort?

vbspurs said...

That's really weird! How can some dumb dog make you lose touch with such a basic point of personal comfort?

Oh, no you di'int! Dumb dog? We fight at dawn, Madam!

Seriously though, it's because of hygienic and quasi-moral reasons, as you can imagine.

Dogs sniff. Even what they shouldn't be sniffing. I don't think I need to go on.

I just thought it would be more prudent this way (or is that prurient...).

Cheers,
Victoria

Gayle Miller said...

Sounds like another good reason to eschew the gym!