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When strolling along a quiet nature path, who hasn't had the urge to take off all their clothes, sit down on a tree stump, begin a process of vigorous self-gratification and, when confronted, pretend to have a dangerous weapon crammed into their rectum? I'm surprised this was even considered newsworthy.
With that headline I figured, we had a Germany or Florida? situation.But to my disappointment (or maybe delight?) it was a homegrown story from right here in Southern California.Woohoo!(and ouch)
"The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path"I think he may have some issues.
Rectum? Damned near killed him!
If you're goin' to San Francisco,Be sure to insert an awl in your rectum,If you're goin' to San Francisco,You're gonna meet some scary people there.For those who come to San Francisco,Summertime will be a love-in there;In the parks of San Francisco,Gentle people with awls inserted into their rectums.
You know, if this starts happening more often, I think we're going to have to start training our police officers with one of these. (Hat tip Dave Barry)
This guy fits awls well in ends well.
From Mcg's link:"1 Adult lumbar torso (unisex)4 rectal units1 prostate model1 endocervix model1 jar of Vaseline1 storage boxSpecifications may change without notice. "To quote Slim Pickens in "Dr Strangelove": "Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff!"
"Where is the weirdest place that you have had the urge to put an awl?""That would be in the butt, Bob."
Rectum? Damned near killed him! Damn you, I got done reading that story and was ready to post that, LOL, but you beat me to it.
Aw, fer cryin' out loud, that nature trail runs by my duaghter's preschool -- he can't be five minutes' walk up it. Sorry, xwl --- NOT Southern Cal!
I'll be the one to ask:Does self gratification while simultaneously consealing a tool in one's rectum qualify as a one-man threesome?
"Does self gratification while simultaneously consealing a tool in one's rectum qualify as a one-man threesome?"Depends on where the other hand was.
I'm stumped about this one awl-right.Maybe he was trying to stab a gerbil?
My mistake, I saw that it said El Cerrito, and even mentions that the incident happened near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station, but my mind read it as Cerritos.Oops.Append the above post to read that it was a homegrown story from right here in California.(Southern, Northern or Central, we're all citizens (OK, many of us aren't citizens, residents anyway) of the Golden State)
Next time?1. Tool belt2. A seat cushion3. A room
So what does Ted Haggard think of this?
I'm pretty sure there's an Onion article that predates this. But I admire the police for sticking to procedure by asking a naked man if we was carrying anything. We have procedures for a reason people!
If this guy had just had the presence of mind to turn himself blue or invent his own private gold-backed currency he'd have had a lock on the 2008 Libertarian congressional nomination.
Perhaps he was playing Texas Hold-Em strip poker and he went awl in.
When you're talking about an awl or an ice pick and you're dealing with somebody who's fresh out of prison, it's a weapon.I'd also argue that when some guy's pulling it out of his rectum, it's a weapon. Keep your distance, indeed!
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