January 16, 2006

Simulblogging the Golden Globes.

Are you watching the Golden Globes? On this last day of winter break, this Martin Luther King Day holiday, I whiled away much of my time in can't-put-it-down mode watching the DVDs of Season 1 of "Project Runway," which recently came in the mail. I watched it effortlessly, in marathon form. Oh, how I loved it! I laughed. I cried. I loved Austin Scarlett from the first moment, and I loved a lot of other people over the course of the high-speed (for me) season. As Kara Saun emerged as a force, I cried at her greatness. But I won't do any spoilers here. If you didn't watch the show, order the DVD. Now, I can move comfortably back into Season 2, already in progress. But do I have the TV energy to sit through the crazy Globes? Well, yes, why not?

Best Supporting Actor: George Clooney, for "Syriana." He thanks Jack Abramoff. "Who would name their kid 'Jack' with the last word's 'off' at the end of you last name? No wonder that guy's screwed up."

Best Supporting Actress: Rachel Weisz for "Constant Gardener." Her dress isn't not as good as what Austin Scarlett could have made. Her speech is the usual boring thanks. No smutty political talk a la Clooney.

TV supporting actor: Paul Newman for "Empire Falls." He's not there.

TV supporting actress: Sandra Oh. She's irritatingly overexcited saying "I-I-I-I-I-I feel like someone's set me on fire."

Drew Barrymore comes out in horrendous green with shockingly pendulous breasts to introduce the first of the best picture nominees "Good Night and Good Luck."

TV actress: Geena Davis wins for playing the President of the United States. She's chubby and wearing a dress that would have been devastated by the "Project Runway" judges. She's funny, taking people by in telling a story of a little girl who told her she wanted to be President then admitting it was a fake. And there's no add-on joke that lying is a way of being President-like.

TV actor: Hugh Laurie, for "House." Blabby! Thinks he's cute.

Clip from "The Producers" introduced by baby-talking hag Melanie Griffith. The film is an embarrassment.

"Empire Falls" wins for whatever the category is for that.

Best Actor, TV: Steve Carell, for "The Office," beating that "Earl" guy and Larry David. He acts out reading from a piece of paper, a speech written by his wife. A line from it: "To my parents, for not making me go to law school."

Best Actress, movie musical or comedy: Reese Witherspoon for "Walk the Line." "Okay, my husband just hit me so hard, I almost fell over."

Actress, TV comedy: Mary-Louise Parker for "Weeds." She giggles a lot in a weed-appropriate way. "I just want to make out with all of you."

Actor, TV movie: Jonathan Rhys Meyers for impersonating Elvis.

Actress, TV movie: S. Epatha Merkerson. "I'm 53 years old. This was my first lead in a film."

Screenplay: "Brokeback Mountain." Larry McMurtry thanks his lawyers and his Hermes 3000 typewriter. "It's kept me for 30 years out of the dry embrace of the computer."

TV musical/comedy: "Desperate Housewives."

John Williams wins for one of his drecky soundtracks. Then some crappy song from "Brokeback Mountain" wins.

Ooh! Gwyneth Paltrow comes out in a neat white dress with puff sleeves. A special award for Anthony Hopkins. We see him playing a number of roles, including Hitler (yelling) and Nixon (sobbing). And the usual fava-beans-and-a-nice-chianti stuff. [ADDED: Chris emails: Worst-ever misquoting of a famous movie line: "Ready when you are, Mr. DeMille" (Anthony Hopkins).]

Best director: Ang Lee for "Brokeback Mountain." "Wow, getting this award, for this movie, from The Man." (The Man is Clint Eastwood.) "And everyone in Taiwan, Hong Kong, and China: I wish you a Happy New Year."

Best actor, movie musical or comedy: Presented by John Travolta. Joaquin Phoenix for "Walk the Line." I don't like the way the actors in dramatic musical movies always beat the comic actors in this category. It's against the spirit of the categorization.

Best picture, musical or comedy: "Walk the Line." Again, unfair to comedies. A violation of the spirit of the categorization. "I know that John and June are up in Heaven with my mom and dad," says the producer, inanely. Why would Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash hang out with some producer's parents? That's just nutty.

Best TV drama: "Lost." "The show is an exercise in faith, and most of all we would like to thank you for having faith in us." Suddenly, the awardcast has gone all religious.

Dennis Quaid introduces clips for "Brokeback Mountain," calling it "controversial" and saying it "rhymes with 'chick flick.'" Ew! Yikes. Classy.

Best actress, drama: Felicity Huffman, who cries and salutes transgendered persons for "becoming who they really are."

Best actor, drama: Phillip Seymour Hoffman for "Capote." "I was given the best part of my life."

Best picture, drama: Morgan Freeman announces the nominee. I hear his voice and look for the penguins. [ADDED: Sorry, it was Denzel Washington. I was in another room, listening, at this point.] "Brokeback Mountain" wins. Producers accept and are, as always boring. No info on what his parents are doing in the afterworld.

And the show ends precisely on time. Nothing surprising or weird this year, despite the conventional wisdom that people get drunk and let loose at the Globes. I wouldn't count the implied smuttiness of the Clooney and Quaid remarks. Just your basic handing out of awards to pretty much everyone you thought would get one.

UPDATE: The Anchoress followed the Globes and has lots of catty things to say about fashion -- and emaciation.

40 comments:

brylin said...

I just watched Sandra Oh in a couple of episodes of Grey's Anatomy.

Mary said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Joan said...

This post is classic Althouse! How exciting to have you live-blogging some dreadful pop culture thing you couldn't pay me to watch! You almost make me wish I was watching it myself.

That said, 2 brief things:
1) [B]aby-talking hag Melanie Griffith has got to be the most aptly descriptive, yet succint, put-down of a female celebrity I've ever read; and

2) Hugh Laurie is fantastic as House, I'm so glad he won, even though I have no idea who else was nominated in his category. I really enjoy that program's exploration of human nature. It should be classified as "science fiction/fantasy", though, because it all takes place in a hospital where doctors draw their patients' blood and administer their patients' medications... there are (next to) no nurses! It's like some weird parallel universe.

Craig Ranapia said...

Sorry I started to go off 'House' when we had to have to feel Gregory House's pain or else. What is it about American pop culture that you can churn out serial killers and sex perverts by the yard, but the idea of a misanthrope who isn't harbouring some secret hurt is beyond the pale?

Thankfully, Hugh Laurie is a very good actor who can cut the sugar syrup with enough vinegar to make the medicine palatable.

Craig Ranapia said...

Oh, and thanks to George Cloony for another entry in my long list of reasons why humour and public restroom walls don't mix.

daisygram said...

Maybe George acts that way because there's a "loony" in his name. What a jerk.

Ruth Anne Adams said...

I hope you TIVO'd "24" because that's off to an awesome start. Thank you for confirming that my two hours tonight was well spent on Fox.

Doesn't the fact that Joaquin and Reese did their own singing count for something??

Goatwhacker said...

Dennis Quaid introduces clips for "Brokeback Mountain," calling it "controversial" and saying it "rhymes with 'chick flick.'"

OK, I know I am showing my midwestern-bred ignorance here but I don't get it.

Craig Ranapia said...

Goatwhacker:

Don't bother, because I promise you'll just want to give it back again.

downtownlad said...

Dick Flick.

Good thing Dennis Quaid is not a comedian . . .

Ron said...

Wasn't that Denzel not Morgan Freeman at the end? I just took a quick glance...

SippicanCottage said...

Ann is definitely the go to source for this for me, as the instrument that could possibly measure my indifference to this event and the entertainment it's based on has yet to be created, and would require a Manhattan Project sized budget.

But even housebound agoraphobes like me know Hugh Laurie is talented. I'm constantly struck by how talented British actors are compared to americans. And they get real training somewhere.

British drawing room comedy? Broadway? Sure. Really play the piano and sing? Sure! American accent? No problem! Write a novel (The Gun Seller) better than Ian Fleming right out of the gate? Yesiree.

And then you've got Rosemary Clooney's nephew, who'd chew the scenery if he only could-- but he was born a cigar store indian -- and all his talentless and uncultivated brethren, mindlessly patting each other on the back and thinking thoughts a mile wide and a centimeter deep.

Cash the check Hugh. Cash the check.

Albatross said...

I like Hugh Laurie, especially his stuff in "Black Adder".

I hate awards shows, and never watch them. But I love Ann's descriptions.

XWL said...

Thanks for unleashing your inner bitchy gay man (and I mean that in the most complimentary of ways) Prof. Althouse, didn't know you had it in you.

You've watched this dreck so now I don't have to.

(Back to the Lakers v. Heat, aka Kobe v. Shaq)

Gahrie said...

I'm shocked that Geena Davis won for her completely wooden performance in the poorly written show Commander in Chief. You don't think politics might be involved do you?

tiggeril said...

Penguins get the shaft again.

Typical.

Pancho said...

It makes me feel rather proud in a peculiar way to say that I haven't seen any of the aforementioned stellar entertainment nor particularly care to.

Mac VerStandig said...

And then there was the night's low point, Best Foreign Language Film. Gotta love the Hollywood Foreing Press inserting politics into showbiz...

Wade_Garrett said...

I agree with Ann about Drew Barrymore. Any dress that shows too much boob, or which makes me say "put a bra on her" is in bad taste. I mean, guys generally like breasts and, if they're nice, will look in that direction anyway. Calling attention to them in such an over-the-top manner is unattractive. Strategic concealment is always sexier than just saying "look at how well endowed I am!!"

amba said...

Yes, Drew Barrymore looked quite grotesque.

Elizabeth said...

Ann--if you're actually wondering, I didn't see the awards, so I don't know which Walk The Line producer you refer to, but they all knew the Cashes. One is their son, John Carter Cash; another was Johnny Cash's manager for many years, and James Keach (Stacy Keach's brother) was close friends with Johnny and June, along with his wife, Jane Seymour. Keach probably spoke at the awards.

Otherwise, yay for S. Epatha Merkeson. I love her, and I loved Lakawanna Blues, for which she won.

Ann Althouse said...

Ron: You're right. It's was Washington. Sorry, I was in another room when the announcement was made.

Elizabeth: Yeah, it was Keach. I'm not totally up on the rules of who gets to hang out with whom in Heaven. I'm guessing each person gets to make a list, and you have to be on both lists to hang out.

Simon said...

"TV actress: Geena Davis wins for playing the President of the United States. She's chubby and wearing a dress that would have been devastated by the "Project Runway" judges. She's funny, taking people by in telling a story of a little girl who told her she wanted to be President then admitting it was a fake. And there's no add-on joke that lying is a way of being President-like."

Geena Davis is invariably one of the worst-dressed people at any awards show she visits, and Commander in Chief is just unspeakably terrible dross. However - a little chubby or not, she remains one of the most gorgeous women alive, as she has been since at least the late 1980s. She's one of those women that you look at and feel like glancing up to the heavens just to say "well done!" to the Almighty. *swoon*

The Grouchy Old Yorkie Lady said...

And what was the deal with Pride and Prejudice being nominated in the Best Film - Musical or Comedy Category??!?!?

kris@dummocrats said...

I'm not surprised that you love Austin Scarlett. Who wouldn't love Austin? He's such an endearing character.

I am a little surprised, however, that you haven't mentioned Jay. While Kara Saun produced some beautiful clothes, I thought Jay was the only contestant that had a true artistic vision. Anyway, I'm glad you've become a fan of Project Runway and I look forward to reading your take on season 2.

Greg said...

The best review of Brokeback Mountain comes from Salt Lake City's "Deseret News."
[http://deseretnews.com/dn/view/
0,1249,635175183,00.html] wherein columnist Doug Robinson reported on some interviews he had with people from northern Wyoming, near where the real Broken Back Mountain is located. And I quote:

"Ask one of the locals like Julie Greer how they feel in rural Wyoming about 'Brokeback Mountain,' the gay-cowboy movie, and you don't have to wait long to get a reaction.
"'Yeah, we're offended!' she shoots back. 'Because they called those sheepherders cowboys.'"

And so did Dennis Quaid.

LarryK said...

I never watch the GGs, the original, unnecessary award show, but the intriguing reference to Drew Barrmore's shockingly pendulous breasts did send me to Google, where I was able to find this image of her on stage.


http://www.hfpa.org/slideshow/photo/411/index.html

Pendulous seems to be pretty accurate but, on the other hand, Drew's not really calling attention to her assets, they're just impossible to ignore.

Craig Ranapia said...

LarryK:

Um... OK, I know it's a matter of taste, but I'm fairly well-endowed in another department and wouldn't go out in public commando-style while wearing sheer hot pants unless I wanted to "call attention" to my "assets".

But I'm no longer single & don't go to that kind of nightclub...

There's also the question of dressing appropriately for the occasion. While I'm not a huge fan of her music, Beyonce Knowles - or her stylist - just seems to get that MTV, the Grammys, the Oscars and the Kennedy Center aren't all the same place in fashion terms. I just couldn't imagine her getting on a receving line to meet the President tricked out like a hoochie mama; or attending the Grammys in a couture ballgown. :)

Simon:
Yes, Geena Davis is an astoundingly beautiful woman - it's just a shame her fashion sense isn't in the same place. IMO, there's a fine line between having a personal style that works on it's own terms (i.e. Dianne Keaton 50% of the time) and looking like a clown school dropout (Lara Flynn Boyle's infamous bullemic ballerina outfit). Davis is just on the wrong side of that line way too often - which is a shame, because when she gets it right she is a diva deluxe.

Edmund said...

I have family "in the business" and they and most of their coworkers think the GG awards are a joke. They are voted on by very few people In addition, some votes are widely rumored to be for sale.

The only thing they get right is separating drama and comedy, but then they trump that by calling "Walk the Line" a musical.

Ann Althouse said...

Kris: "I am a little surprised, however, that you haven't mentioned Jay."

I was being a little spoiler averse, since I was recommending the DVD, so no one should read this comment if they don't want to read a spoiler, but I became very bonded to Jay in the end. I liked him as a character all along, but in the final episode, when we saw him at his house, saw the background he had, he became extremely sympathetic. Wendy and Kara Saun had a much more privileged background. Especially Wendy. Then, when Kara Saun cheated on the shoes, my sympathy was completely with Jay. I was jubilant when he won. He's really wonderful.

LarryK said...

Craig R,

I think that qualifies as a little too much information... but my point is that, according to the picture I saw, Drew Barrymore wasn't wearing a gown with a plunging neckline or deliberately displaying cleavage. Maybe the dress was a little tight, but it really didn't look like she was trying to draw attention to (as Frank Zappa used to say) her "mammalian protuberances."

Simon said...

"Yes, Geena Davis is an astoundingly beautiful woman - it's just a shame her fashion sense isn't in the same place."

Her fashion sense, and her politics. Why do all the most beautiful ones have to be liberals? ;)

Craig Ranapia said...

Simon:

Come on we're seeing some progress in Hollyweird - I've just seen an episode of 'The West Wing' with three Republican characters who aren't lying hypocritical baby-eating theocratic lunatics.

Elizabeth said...

Ann--heaven is one big relational database.

Wade_Garrett said...

Geena Davis seems like a really interesting person. She's a member of MENSA and, from what I've heard, was a Victoria's Secret model in the 1980s, before she got into acting. And she knows a lot about baseball after making A League of Their Own, and was almost an Olympian in the sport of archery.

Craig Ranapia said...

Larry K.:

Fair enough, but you don't need a neckline cut to your belly button for a 'thank you for sharing, not' moment. I'd always assumed that Drew Barrymore has nipples and a generous pair of breasts. Didn't need to see the evidence over breakfast, thnaks. (Hell, I sounded just like my grandfather there.)

Simon said...

"Come on we're seeing some progress in Hollyweird - I've just seen an episode of 'The West Wing' with three Republican characters who aren't lying hypocritical baby-eating theocratic lunatics."

I think maybe they're testing the waters - or rather, the writers. I've been very dissatisfied by the writing in the West Wing for most of the last two seasons, and even more dissatisfied by the transparency of their "against all odds" desparation to find a way to make this badly-drawn Santos character heroically win an election that they have painted as literally unwinnable. With John Spencer's death, they're in a bind: do they write some clever story line to explain Leo's departure? Do they do the decent thing (take the show out back and put a bullet to it)?

I think maybe they're considering surrendering to the obvious. They have set the stage for a Vinnick landslide, so perhaps they should just let it happen. It would certainly be consistent with the show, explain Leo's departure, and maybe even breathe new life into a franchise that has become moribund. But it would do this at the cost of imposing a significant challege: maybe they're testing the writers to see if they can rise to the level of empathy required to write realistic and sympathetic Republican characters?

Simon said...

Three other considerations that suggest a Vinnick win: firstly, Alan Alda is doing an absolutely heroic job playing, um, Olympia Snowe, when all's said and done, a character greatly (albeit not entirely) at odds with his own views, and should be rewarded (or at least applauded) for it. Secondly, Steven Root is great, and should be on television more often. And thirdly, Patricia Richardson's character is immensely appealing (unlike the mainly family-less characters of the current show) and provides Janney-esque eye candy (which, of course, begs the critical question: when Allison Janney leaves TWW, who will have the best legs in primetime?)

Craig Ranapia said...

Ah, I say let's make it really fun - end the season on a cliff-hanger where Vinnick wins California by 57 disputed votes, Santos carries Florida by a equally thin (and disputed margin) and you've got a set up for a CSI/Law and Order-style franchise. The West Wing: SCOTUS. :)

Simon said...

Craig-
My working theory had been that the election would tie and throw the election into the House to prolong the drama / agony (delete as applicable), but I think Spencer's death may change the plans.