Said Rajika Shah, "a lawyer in Los Angeles," who "is often led to the worst table in the dining room, neglected by her server, and then rushed out at the end of the meal," quoted in "Why Is Dining Alone So Difficult? With solo reservations on the rise but many restaurants still restricting tables to two or more, solitary Americans often feel left out or stigmatized" (NYT).
The assumption that people need to be coupled or grouped goes beyond restaurants, said Bella DePaulo... author of the 2023 book “Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life.”... Dr. DePaulo also pointed to a recent, highly circulated article in The Atlantic, “The Anti-Social Century,” which links practices like solo dining to reclusion and loneliness....Here's a picture of me 17 years ago with my fisheye-exaggerated hand on a Bella DePaulo book, "Singled Out":
“People who are lonely are going to stay home,” she said. “They are not going to go out to a restaurant. People who go out on their own are confident.... We are a nation that really romanticizes romantic coupling and marriage, .and stigmatizing people who are single or do things alone is part of that”....
Obviously, I'm not alone. I've got Obama! I mean, I've got my tablemate, my photographer, and he was audaciously hoping, while I was preparing to do a Bloggingheads with Bella. And that Bloggingheads turned out to be momentous. It played a role in connecting me to Meade, as I described a bit later in a post called "Flashback '08: The Audacity Althousity of Hope."
So I'm always happy to see Bella DePaulo's name come up in an article, even though the important matter of living well while single isn't my personal concern anymore. I still care about it! And you don't have to be single to find yourself in situations where you need to or would like to eat alone in a restaurant and you waste part of your mind on the possibly disapproving expression on a restaurant employee's face and the way the other diners might be thinking, oh, that poor woman, no one loves her.
At least Obama loves us!
Posts
71 comments:
Make the reservation for two. Or if a walk-in, tell the gatekeeper/host/ess that you're expecting your friend "but could I be seated first while I wait?" Make sure you're lead to a decent table.
Once seated, pretend to be on your phone receiving the sad news that your friend can't make it and that you'll be dining alone.
It's a world where everyone is fooling everyone else.
Having eaten alone at restaurants across this planet, just go to the bar.
"Make the reservation for two...."
Then what do you do when they tell you their policy is not to seat anyone until everyone has arrived?
I guess you wait a *few* minutes before pretending to get that phone call. Then you can be escorted to that bad table.
If I were eating alone somewhere I would WANT the worst table so that there'd be less burden on me to feel bad about using their space while paying too little.
Yah, the bar- women, too unless you know you’re still attractive enough to draw the attention you don’t want. Get to know the bartenders and make it a regular spot. It’s fun or you can still bring your book…
I think it's more economics than stigma. A lot of what you pay for in a restaurant is real estate (the table) and service. The cost of these is about the same for two as for one, but the revenue is double. If the place is half empty, I imagine they are much more welcoming.
As a widower, I was travelling solo on a river cruise on the Rhône. At dinner one evening I was seated at a four-top with a widow, who was doing the same. Shortly a mother-daughter team were seated at the table, and we had to make the awkward explanation that we were not a couple, but had been thrown together by the maitre d'. It ended up being quite pleasant.
I miss the old lunch counters (not that fine dining would have that) where you could sit alone, talk to your neighbor or not even acknowledge them. Like a bar.
I tend not to eat at such fancy places that would worry about such a thing. If by myself, I usually sit at the bar. Where I can order the exact same meal. Of course, I normally don't go when the serious drinkers are out and about and the bar is full.
Lunch counters were also a place for young men to flirt with the waitresses.
Or, just put all the solos at a table together?
Super! You'll have lots to talk about
rehajm said...
Yah, the bar- women, too unless you know you’re still attractive enough to draw the attention you don’t want.
Product idea: peel-and-stick costume herpes blister for your lip.
Is there an app for that? Will it locate other singles in the area looking for dinner partners? Or do you have to rely on Tumblr and Grindr and put out afterwards.
The alternative for loners who don't want to expose themselves to public contempt: the services that will deliver "restaurant quality" meals to your home.
Carol said, "Lunch counters were also a place for young men to flirt with the waitresses."
Were?
I travel a lot for work and that puts me in a position of dining alone in restaurants. I love it. I think Rajika Shah might be misreading the facial expressions or signals she thinks she is getting from the waitstaff. In my experience, they are delighted to have a sole diner.
I suspect it's different for us guys. Many of us travel alone on business, and the restos don't find it weird. In some countries I'm even comfortable saying "If it's getting crowded, don't be shy to sit another solo with me."
A couple of times in France it was a woman, but everybody understands the "rules" which can include some enjoyable flirting we both knew was never intended to go anywhere.
The very best was a doctoral student in Agronomy. When she discovered my profession she squealed Vous êtes agronome ?? !! We sat there for some three hours talking long and honestly about the profession, its delights, and its challenges. There were a couple of bottles of wine involved, and I bet the staff were debating whether we'd be leaving together. In the end, I paid for her meal, and tipped the serveuse quite well, calling it "table-rent" because she din't get the customer "turns" she'd otherwise have had.
The agronomy student asked for my card, and every few months she'd email me with questions or sharing her ideas and findings. It turned out to be a wonderful "date" which never was a date, but France and Québec are both like that.
In the Anglo world ... I miss it.
Caffe Buon Gusto?
Lunch counters? Like Edward Hopper painted? No prescription for loneliness or medicine for melancholy there if the paintings tell the truth.
The audacity of Diversity has social imputations and the lack of diversity garners poor returns.
I agree. Go to the bar. If at a diner, eat at the counter. You get the same fodder or swill, depending, and you get more social interaction. People sitting near you at a bar are far more likely to begin a conversation, and there is always the bartender to talk to.
Of course attractive people can, as always, do whatever they like and it will work out for them just fine, even if they think they have problems to whine about. Of course when they whine online, we don't get to partake of their attractiveness, so they don't get the same feigned sympathy we would give them in real life.
I travel frequently for work and consequently eat alone at restaurants. Never once has anything in this article entered my mind. Nor have I detected panic or pity in anyone's face. This is neuroticism.
I am puzzled. I've traveled for years, both for work and for fun. What the author of the NYT article describes has never happened to me. While I'm prepared to send for the manager if I'm treated badly, I've never had to do so. So what gives???
Is it a rule that if you want to be a writer now, you have to have a name that obscures your sex?
When you are 6' 5" with long legs, sitting at a bar to eat just doesn't work. I travelled a lot on business as a single--but managed to get through meals. If I were doing it these days, I'd probably listen to an audiobook while dining alone.
We just went out to dinner with another couple, and they have a teenage daughter, a late life surprise, and the restaurant put us in the corner, and my friend began to fume, and she said it was because of her daughter that they hid us away in a corner. I didn't care, but we ended up moving to a nice table at the center of everything, which easily accommodated us, and had been available the whole time, and five minutes later there was another family at that same corner table, and they had a toddler. Our friend said "See, we did them a favor by moving."
Never had a problem eating out alone but I don't have an issue with doing lots of things by myself.
Truly first world problems,
I LOVE to go alone most anywhere. I LOVE it.
Driving across the country, just me (and miles davis).
Eating at any restaurant, just me, sit me anywhere, I don't care, no props needed, just me.
I LOVE it.
Teh Paucity of Rope for BIG Zer0
Widowed grandpa that I am, I eat alone at restaurants frequently. Have a great American/Mexican diner nearby. Great tacos. But… (here it comes!)… when the joint is dead empty, the hostess still tries to seat me in the smallest corner table, as if I might be taking a table away from a crowd, or as if my aloneness is embarrassing. Since I always bring my 12.9” iPad for reading, I have to ask for a bigger table. It’s annoying.
Diners gonna make a comeback. An updated Nighthawks with patrons on their phones or tablets
I'm with Michael @9:55. When I worked in a restaurant the waiters hated getting singles because a potential two-seat income was reduced to one. It's not a social issue; it's the economy, stupid.
Those look like Ikea tables and chairs, the same I have on my balcony. Suprised to see them in hip Brooklyn. The backrest of one of the chairs is starting to fall apart.
"Diners gonna make a comeback. "
Coneys are thriving here in the Detroit area. (Coneys = what in New Jersey we called Diners.)
Anne-I-Am said...
I travel frequently for work and consequently eat alone at restaurants. Never once has anything in this article entered my mind. Nor have I detected panic or pity in anyone's face. This is neuroticism.
Yeah, this
I've never felt treated differently when dining alone, but I also avoid busy times.
Sitting at the bar is always declined--I still need some empty space around me. Karl Kraus knows what I mean.
"One's need for loneliness is not satisfied if one sits at a table alone. There must be empty chairs as well."
Everyone's a victim. It's just economics. Singles don't spend as much and you're taking up a table.
I don’t know about eating, but…
“I drink alone, yeah
With nobody else
I drink alone, yeah
With nobody else
Yeah, you know when I drink alone
I prefer to be by myself
Now every morning just before breakfast
I don't want no coffee or tea
Just me and my good buddy Weiser
That's all I ever need
'Cause I drink alone, yeah
With nobody else
Yeah, you know when I drink alone
I prefer to be by myself
Yeah, the other night I laid sleeping
And I woke from a terrible dream
So I caught up my pal Jack Daniel's
And his partner Jimmy Beam
And we drank alone, yeah
With nobody else
Yeah, you know when I drink alone
I prefer to be by myself”
Fifty years ago I started doing business trips. My father advised that if I expected to be eating alone, to find a place with counter service. Easy peasy, everybody happy.
As a waiter I never recall having negative vines for single diners. A bit hard to read early on if I should be chatty or leave them be. A bit of chatty roots that out right quick…and if you don’t like the table asked to be seated elsewhere. The establishment’s reaction helps you determine if you should return…or even stay…
"Or, just put all the solos at a table together?"
God, no. Nothing ruins a pleasant meal quicker than feeling you have to make small talk with strangers.
One of the beauties of the smartphone is that it's a readily deployable social fence, keeping the chatty, inquisitive, and just plain obnoxious, at bay. You can even read a book on it while you eat without being awkward reading-a-book-in-restaurants guy.
I'd love to try the Larry David MAGA hat ploy but, alas, I'm not that bold.
Marriage is declining in the US. The number of people living alone has increased. In light of this, how can an argument be made that anyone is treated poorly for doing things solo? Like Anne-I-Am said: neurotic!
I travel frequently for work and consequently eat alone at restaurants. Never once has anything in this article entered my mind.
I’ve been retired almost a decade now, but back in the day I was a road warrior for my corporation, and I agree with Anne-I-Am. Only once did I ever have anything like this happen. Back in the mid-1980s a waitress was very loud in her complaints that she was given “two singletons and a deuce.” I think I remember the incident after forty years because it was so atypical.
What the author of the NYT article describes has never happened to me.
These are probably trust fund babies who "went into journalism" and only eat at restaurants staffed with a maitre d' and a hostess who's only job is to walk you to your table.
Singleton diners are a hidden tax on tips
Aw, I clicked through to read that old post and the comments. There's Michael K. Every now and then the internet gut punches you.
I like the dichotomy of this subject.
"I am alone and want to be alone. Worship my individuality!"
"I want the restaurant staff to pay attention to me constantly and serve me. I need them to be around me at all times so I have company."
There is a pattern in female journalist writing. It is not a good pattern.
I don't go to restaurants more than 5 times a year anymore. I don't believe things have significantly changed much the few times that I go though.
When I was in the Army I got to go to restaurants alone a lot. These were typically TDY trips so I would tip well and go to the same restaurants. I would order quickly and bussed my own tables so all they had to do was move the plates to the back.
It takes about 2 visits and they are happy to see you again.
I am adding myself to the list of people who have never had a problem dining out alone. When I was in Europe, it was commonplace for other solo diners to ask for a seat at my table. In contrast to the Cracker Emcee, I always found that pleasant and fascinating.
I tried that a few times here in the US, with mixed results.
Rejoice, everyone! Ever other problem facing modern humans has been solved. RIght? RIGHT??
I've traveled a lot on business over the last forty years. While there were many business dinners with people, there were frequent times when I had to fend for myself. Top choice there was take out and back to my room to watch TV, blissful peace and quiet. Out of the hotel I'd do a fast food place (McDonalds is safe worldwide) where you seat yourself. But when pressed to or wanting to eat a restaurant meal, I'd find a place with bar service that wasn't overcrowded.
Of course, wait staff hate singles, even a 22% tip is only about half of what the table should produce. If you have a favorite restaurant that you like with company or alone, get to know them. Tip like you have someone with you. Order extra to take home and tip on that amount too.
I think having confidence has nothing to do with eating out if you are solo; once you've done it a number of times the awkwardness disappears. The confidence factor comes in when you decline to accept to be seated in the back or next to the restroom. I had my share of that.
I don't eat out anymore because I much prefer eating at home: it's more convenient, less time consuming, cheaper, healthier and I am assured I will like what I eat. If I were a wealthy New Yorker however, and had the option to eat at excellent restaurants within walking distance, I probably would eat out and have my favorite hang outs and be a "regular."
Giving up the Life of Julia and the ever-loving but never there Obama for marriage to an actual man. Good call, Althouse.
I prefer cafes with a counter and restaurants with a bar to sit at when dining alone. Sitting at a table by yourself makes you stand out, a single person on a stage.
What a joy to see this, Ann! Fond memories.
Just overtip bigly, AND/or... order a lot of food and drinks to make the server compensated for you being one at a table for too. And wtf is it about getting a "good" seat at the window? To be seen? To look outside at the view? (and not down at your plate?) Why not eat and then go OUTSIDE and enjoy the view, you can even alter it by walking around. I don't get the "good seat" thing in a restaurant unless it really smells at your table being near the bathroom or something... If you like to people watch, being near the bathroom or kitchen is the way. Just have another drink, and enjoy yourself.
"...led to the worst table in the dining room, neglected by her server, and then rushed out at the end of the meal,"
I've been single my entire life and I have never had an experience like this. I suspect that the author might be going to high end resturants and the servers might be expecting a big tip from each table and realize that their tip might be smaller because it is only one person. That's why they're bummed; it's the money, not your personal life.
Just last weekend I was listening to the The Fork Reporter, Neil Saavedra, on the radio. He was saying that eating out alone in Los Angeles is a great experience and really enjoys it.
Howard said...
Singleton diners are a hidden tax on tips
-------
Not if you are low maintenance (wave them away when they ask if you need anything; order quickly; eat fast w/no dawdling afterwards to talk, and TIP well... with a few drinks added in.) They can take your money and if you turn the table over quickly enough, still make good $$ vs a couple that takes a lot of time, doesn't order much, and then staaaaays at the table a long time.
59 in that photo?
I think you looked better before he put you on the extreme exercise and all-protein-all-the-time diet. Give us a photo of today that includes your face and hair? This was a flattering cut, in retrospect.
That disembodied hand is scary though.
And not because there's no ring.
Is this still a thing?
Like others, I travel a lot for work, and eat out singly. I've never felt anything bad from the waiter who was seating me. I question if Shah has a persecution complex. Maybe he should see a shrink -- alone -- and be seated, alone, on a couch.
You're never alone if you have a book.
I just had brunch at a local diner, eating solo, after my workout ... I just sat at the counter. A tiny bit of chit chat with some neighbors. All in all, a great experience.
I travel solo a lot. At home, I head out solo a lot. My approach to eating is more "social" than "refueling". Except breakfast. Please, don't come near me at breakfast.
Much of Europe is great. Sitting down at a table with one or more strangers is Normal. Language never much of a bother. If you're not prone to minor frustration; if you want to relate, you can relate.
I have more than a few good friendships that began a long time ago, a long way from home. All it takes is a handshake or a bow and a thought that, "This could be fun!".
In more exotic locales, the natives will be crazy curious about YOU! Let them. They will probably treat you like a king if you're respectful.
Certain subjects I avoid but "small talk" is unacceptable. I am insatiably curious and I want you to tell me about all kinds of things I don't know or understand.
I have great respect for good bartenders and servers. It's so easy to get them on your side. When not, just leave or never come back. NEVER complain. Because reasons...
In the US, eat at the bar when you can. Every seat at a table is a tip. Servers, esp. in right-to-work states, often make a couple dollars an hour. Singles at a four-top are a Huge hit to a server's income. Just sayin'. If you have to do it, tell the server you'd like to pay in advance in case thry're busy later. Fork over the $29 for the Club Sand and glass of wine and add another $20 (at least). If you can't do this, go to a grocery, buy a frozen pizza and microwave it in your hotel room.
Afterthought: When I was in LA., I'd sometimes grab lunch at a Marina del Rey establishment noted for roast beef and curvacious waitresses (fittingly attired). The Martinis were pretty awesome, too. What I liked most was the fact that they had something called the Poet's Roundtable or such that was intended for social-minded singles. I learned a lot of interesting stuff at that table (and sometimes had more than one Martini).
Agree with the recommendation to eat at the bar. I do that whenever I’m alone. There’s no issue of “taking up a table,” and there’s the opportunity to strike up a conversation with a neighbor or the bartender if I’m so inclined. Maybe finer establishments don’t have bar seating, but if I’m alone I’m not normally going to that kind of place.
Maybe finer establishments don’t have bar seating
The best finer establishments have no problem with you eating at the bar...
If I am dining alone it's because that's my preference. I sit at a table and think my own thoughts--no books or smartphones.
It has never occurred to me to think about what the waitpeople think about it. After all, I'm the one paying, not them.
At least Obama loves us!
Still gullible after all these years.
I'm surprised not to see 'family-style' dining mentioned at all, here. They should bring it back, it's an easy and cheap option for an eating establishment to put into place, just shove some tables together.
There used to be a restaurant in Boston, near the wharves, that was family style 'only' dining, long tables, great chowder and sea food, but I can't remember the name. I ate there as a boy, with my family - seated next to complete strangers. It was great !
Later, working in East Texas there were still boarding houses there in the 80's, and I would suss them out when starting a new well in some small town - and make an arrangement for dinners every so often. They also had a family-style eatery at A&M while I was there, for students, a local lady's house that served up meals to kids that were homesick for home-cooked.
It's a great way to enjoy a meal, even if you're not gregarious or extroverted.
I'm traveling down on the gulf coast right now, and went to a Nice seafood restaurant last night..
Do you think my server (who lives on tips) was Happy to see my table of one?
She made a quarter of what she could have made..
But she WAS nice anyways.. which was nice
Bella de Paulo?
Covering up the Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter book so people will think you are reading "The Audacity of Hope".
Clever.
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