"The energy of the outside world drains me, and I don’t want that feeling inside my home. This includes family members, friends, neighbors, church family and anyone else who might come knocking on my door. I have anxiety and some unresolved trauma I’m working through that contributes to this. I’m happy to meet in a public place or visit someone in their home if we are both comfortable with it. My family cannot understand why I’m like this. They think they have a right to my space simply because they are family. I don’t mind anyone thinking I’m weird, but how do I respond without feeling like I have to explain myself?"
If you don't mind anyone thinking you're weird, just say what you feel. And if you don't want to feel that you have to explain yourself, why are you asking how to respond?
Where do people get the idea they can invite themselves into someone else's house?
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36 comments:
This is one of those things that is heavily influenced by the surrounding culture. My immigrant wife found it odd that Americans are so insular. In her home country, people informally visit each other all the time. It used to be that way when I was a kid in the Northeast, too. A good part of the fault is the electronic environment that we are continually immersed in, it encourages focus on the device rather than on interaction with other people.
This person is caught in that bubble - note the use of 'anxiety', a favorite buzzword these days to demand special consideration for the 'feelz'. The person isn't an agoraphobic though, I guess - what would this phobia be called?
This is one of the uses of gaming. Just tell people, "I need to go kill shit for a half an hour." Spend the time picking virtual flowers, if you prefer. It doesn't matter. Most people understand that you're rebalancing emotions. Extroverts think you're expending excess energy; introverts think you're recharging.
This is an allegory for invasion, illegal migration, anchor babies, etc. Clever.
It's simply a result of smaller homes.
Never did people ever get up into the "living quarters" of the bedrooms/bathrooms/kitchen, etc. in the past.
Entertaining of guests was done in the Living Room and Dining Rooms, whose functions were often reserved for just that. If she had a bigger place, guests could visit on the main level in the living room and dining room (and guest bathroom) for that purpose. Or just the porch, not coming inside the house at all.
If you don't have the space, of course, exclude! But if you have wealth and manners, you do it like they did in civilized times. Meeting up in public always... UGH.
'No' is a complete sentence. "Can I come in?" "No."
Don't explain. Explaining things just invites a debate. A tedious debate.
"Where do people get the idea they can invite themselves into someone else's house?"
Maybe we can talk about this when I come over. What about tommorrow at 11?
Tons of forced extroverts are like this. Because it's usually a learned behavior, watching them run out of juice (such as them having to be with others over the course of days/weeks) is really strange to behold. They can become different people.
I wonder if this person has bodies buried in the basement.
She just did.
(Or he?)
Setting up boundaries is fine. I know people who love to entertain - and they are good at it.
I know people who never invite anyone over to their home.
and all the shades in between. Just handle it how you need to.
"How do I politely tell people I don’t like having anyone visit me in my home? My home is my safe haven.”
Here is the escalation path:
- Put up a “No Trespassing” sign.
- Put up a “Beware of Doug” sign.
- Change your name to Doug.
- Put a tall fence around the yard.
- Replace the front door with a drawbridge.
- Electrify the fence.
- Dig a moat around your property.
- Fill the moat with piranha, candiru, and sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads.
What’s He Building?
https://open.spotify.com/track/2SkY1MBAolcLSpWDWCP7Kd?si=Irzzk7C_QW6XAG-uoJYL_Q&context=spotify%3Asearch%3ATom%2BWaits%2Bwhat%27s%2Bhe%2Bdoing%2Bin%2Bthere
My parents always took us to see relatives for holidays. They didn't ask for permission. It was what they did every year, three times a year. If the relatives were in our area at other times during the year, they'd drop in on us unexpectedly. It was awkward. When I got to grad school, I learned that Americans expected you to call before dropping by. It seems to make sense. We would never have just dropped in on neighbors or friends uninvited or unexpected, but family was family.
I grew up in a tiny town in rural Illinois, where friends and family left their doors unlocked and it was more or less assumed that everybody was welcome to walk in. This was really quite nice, and I wouldn’t mind living that way again.
It would be perfectly reasonable for her to explain she's afraid of vampires.
Well, it's Tennessee, but it would be interesting to know the exact demographic this person belongs to. We have a pretty typical circle of friends and family but, in white, middle-class suburbia, random door-knockers are so rare as to be slightly alarming and definitely suspect. Funny how much that's changed in the last decade or so.
If you don't mind anyone thinking you're weird, just say what you feel.
Therein lies the dilemma. The person in question doesn't want to seem rude but also doesn't want visitors. Perhaps a better question for the advice columnists over at the Daily Mail than Dear Abby. The British always seem to navigating situations like this, i.e. Death Before Rudness!
Do what you do on Halloween when you forgot to get candy to give out: Keep the porch light off, close the curtains, and don’t answer the doorbell.
I don't want people in my home because it is never clean enough.
Shouting Thomas said...
I grew up in a tiny town in rural Illinois, where friends and family left their doors unlocked and it was more or less assumed that everybody was welcome to walk in. This was really quite nice, and I wouldn’t mind living that way again.
From Wikipedia:
After driving more than 400 miles across the state of Kansas on the evening of November 14, Hickock and Smith arrived in Holcomb, located the Clutter home, and entered through an unlocked door while the family slept. Upon rousing the Clutters and discovering there was no safe, they bound and gagged the family, and continued to search for money, but found little of value in the house. Still determined to leave no witnesses, the pair briefly debated what to do; Smith, notoriously unstable and prone to violent acts in fits of rage, slit Herb Clutter's throat and then shot him in the head. Capote writes that Smith recounted later, "I didn't want to harm the man. I thought he was a very nice gentleman. Soft-spoken. I thought so right up to the moment I cut his throat."[11] Kenyon, Nancy, and then Mrs. Clutter were also murdered, each by a single shotgun blast to the head. Hickock and Smith left the crime scene with a small portable radio, a pair of binoculars, and less than $50 (equivalent to $539 in 2024) in cash.[12
I don’t think this person is odd though. The current ease of communication creates new rules and manners. 20 years ago, I’d politely listen to any phone sales pitch before saying no thanks. These days, I hang up on them immediately. And I don’t think anyone, including the caller, considers that impolite.
@Meade. That never happened in Watseka, IL.
Lazarus said...
“My parents always took us to see relatives for holidays. They didn't ask for permission. It was what they did every year, three times a year.”
As a kid, my parents always took us to see our grandmas (both grandpas died before I was born) on major feast days plus the nonas’ birthdays. Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were de rigueur. Probably Sts Joachim’s and Anne’s days, too.
I have an odd variation of this problem. My mother, who is 84, lives with my wife and I. When my sister visits, she acts as if it's her home because our mother lives here. She doesn't act like a guest, informs us when she will be using the kitchen, refuses to ask for anything, and so on. We've decided it's best for her to sleep elsewhere for visits, but she still comes by to see our mother once a year. The policy of my wife and I is that if she doesn't ask for something, the answer is no, which has led to some friction, but I can't see any other way to deal with this nonsense.
@Shouting Thomas: That never happened in Holcomb, Kansas either.
Until it did.
I live out in the country on a gravel road. If anyone stops by my home without my knowledge or an invitation, my first instinct is to get my gun. If it's just the mailman or an Amazon driver, I usually put the gun down.
I grew up in the Northeast, and it was normal to have people just drop in. Now that I live 3 1/2 hours away from everybody....when they come, it isn't just for a quick visit....they come for a long weekend to visit us, and my Mother. It isn't fun after a while, when I get to wait on everybody, and then clean up after...and yes...we have had unexpected visitors. It's like I run a free bed and breakfast.
"Where do people get the idea they can invite themselves into someone else's house? "
I don't think that's the case. They're probably just asking if they can come over, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
I suspect that we're dealing with three fears here. The first is the fear of other people in your house. The second is the fear of saying "no" to people. The third is the fear of being judged by other people.
When you let fear negatively affect your life like that, you probably need some professional counseling.
This is what the front porch is for. If someone shows up and you don't want them in the house, sit down outside on the front porch. Keep them out there if you don't want them in your house. Offer a cold water if you feel generous, or not if you want the visit to be short. And when you're ready for them to leave, push up from your rocker, slapping your thighs, and say, "Well, nice seeing you but I have to get back to it. Bye." And go inside.
No further words, actions, or explanations are necesary.
I agree with @loudogblog, except for the word "probably".
Growing up we would never ever dream of just showing up at a family member or anyone else's house without calling first. It is just rude. We would call, checking to see if it was OK or not. If they said no or they were busy....so be it. Who would be offended? We are often busy, just got home from work, or not at home, or just don't want a visit from anyone at all for any reason.
Since it was usually many miles and hours of driving to go to see family....the idea of just showing up was not only ridiculous...but actually stupid.
How do we know they are even home? Maybe they already have guests and don't want more company? Have another engagement? Do we want to drive 300 miles to see my Dad's brother only to find out that they are on vacation in Mexico and then have to drive home or get a couple of motel rooms?. Duh!! Call FIRST.
INTROVERT IN TENNESSEE,
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
One could simply not answer the door.
My wife is a hermit who likes to live with the doors locked and the shades pulled down, and gets hives even at the thought of having to make two minutes of chitchat with one of my colleagues dropping off a package or document. We haven't had anyone for a proper dinner party for three or four years, and no one else has spent the night under our roof for at least ten years. She's quite sociable in other settings, but sees the house as our private lair where no one but our kids and a small handful of other close friends and relatives is ever welcome, and then only briefly.
I grew up in a house where eight or ten guests came over for a dinner party at least every two or three months, and we would have frequent backyard barbequeues, pool parties, and a constant stream of visitors. Distant relatives and other houseguests would sometimes stay for a week or even a month at a time. My dad was very involved with the Rotary Club, and it was common for club members visiting our area to stay as our guests for a few nights. I built quite a coin collection as a small boy by wheedling all our foreign visitors for their pocket change from home. I very much enjoy entertaining visitors to this day, but sadly, it causes my dear wife actual psychological distress. Some people are just like that, and I accept that I have to cultivate my gregarious side with other activities outside the house.
Other than tradespeople and my remaining gaming buddy, we haven't had anyone except our son and my brother inside our house in at least two or three years.
Growing up, we lived within a few miles of our cousins, and used to visit back and forth all the time, but only by arrangement.
Our oldest and goofiest cousin lived outside DC, and brought his bride down one time to stay a week at my mother's. He thought he was in a hotel, and insisted on sleeping late regardless of the effect on her routine . . . she never forgot or forgave, but as I said she knew he was screwy when she invited them.
If you cannot tell people politely then you have to be rude. Too bad! But there’s nothing wrong with saying “There are times when I need to recuperate and recharge my batteries. This is one of them.”
Remember when we used to answer the door, the mystery of who rang the doorbell. We didn't have a peephole, or an intercom, and "Who's there" came later. I loved the element of surprise, an unexpected guest who would talk your head off and distract whatever the daily drudgery and chores that weren't going to get done anyway. I haven't answered my doorbell in years. I don't answer my phone either, even though I know exactly who's calling.
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