"Maybe when they are not actively having it, they overestimate how much they want — the same way I buy too much food when I grocery-shop on an empty stomach. 'Also, it could be a socially desirable option to the answer'... That is, people saying what they think they’re supposed to say — or supposed to want. Social expectations play a role... How did we get to the point of wanting longer sex in the abstract but never really acting on it IRL?..."
From a New York Magazine article titled "How Long Should Sex Actually Last?"
I'd say (and this is not just about sex):
1. The best test of what you actually want is what you are actually doing.
2. There's a distinction between what you want and what you want to want.
3. Thinking about time is very different from living through time.
4. We tend to think about what we want to do, even when we're in the middle of doing one of the things we were previously thinking about wanting to do.
5. If you're thinking about time, you're already losing the experience of being in the moment.
September 22, 2015
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62 comments:
Hey, remember that time...?
Yeah that was FUN.
I want to want to read the article but I actually don't.
As for sex, if you are enjoying, then you want to continue. When satiated, you don't. Sort of like food.
Disagree with #1. Some people lack the agency to do what they want at all times, and others lack the discipline (so what they do at any time is a response to an impulse which they are unable to contain.)
...today’s sexual expectations are tied to a myth that sex is “more special, more significant, a source of greater thrills and more perfect pleasure than any other activity humans engage in.”
Yeah, and today's culinary expectations are tied to a myth that eating tasty food is a good way to satisfy hunger.
I'm still thinking about reading Althouse.
"Disagree with #1. Some people lack the agency to do what they want at all times, and others lack the discipline (so what they do at any time is a response to an impulse which they are unable to contain.)"
I said the "best test." It's not conclusive, but it's the starting point. If there's a clear obstacle you've rebutted the presumption. But people who say they want to do something but don't do it mostly deserve to hear the news that what they are doing is what they want. And it's a good test for yourself. If you think you want to travel or go out dancing in the evenings but you keep staying home, you should just admit that what you like is staying home. If you think about having a lot of sex, but you almost never or never have sex, why not just admit that you want to think about sex but not have it? It's a good thought experiment, I believe, especially for yourself, but maybe you, like me, would find it useful/enjoyable to perform the thought experiment on others.
I'm Two things missing from the article:
1) Sex is well known to be an endorphin drug addiction. Users are disciplined or it does damage. Thank God the nanny staters have not outlawed its use any more than they have.,Outlawing the drug sex is what keeps people out of legalistic churches.
2) People types have many different approaches to sexual and romantic fun. Generalizing makes everything you declare about what people do or prefere mostly wrong.
You really think more people are weak minded, than don't have the power, time, ability to do that which they proclaim to be their desire?
You need to get out more. Or get that solipsism treated.
"It's a lot easier to get what you want than to know what you want." - Sounds like somebody should have said it.
There was a funny article in the NYT recently about "yogic masturbation," the point of which seemed to be that the way to know what you really wanted was to masturbate and note your fantasies.
I had to laugh, and yet...
"3. Thinking about time is very different from living through time."
I would add that the experience of time can be different between two people living through the same experience in the same time.
For instance: for the woman the experience of anal sex may seem like it's lasting a painfully long time, while for the man pounding her in the ass the time is flying by.
Just an example.
I am Laslo.
I've got this paperback anthology of humor from The New Yorker. I thought one bit was brilliant, a riff on the old (although maybe it wasn't so old when the piece was written) IBM slogan "Think."
The guy works in an office and the boss puts up these signs that say "Think" so he does. Hilarity ensues.
I think the one that finally got him fired from his job was "Nuts are really edible wood."
"5. If you're thinking about time, you're already losing the experience of being in the moment."
When the egg timer goes off cunnilingus is done. Turn over.
I am Laslo.
If you think you want to travel or go out dancing in the evenings but you keep staying home, you should just admit that what you like is staying home.
My point though is that people should recognize that this is often not the case. Figure out if the discordance is because you don't really want the other thing more or if there is an obstacle that you could work on removing. If you were really that happy with just staying home, I'm skeptical that you would even be thinking that going out dancing would be better (unless you are really susceptible to heeding what other people say you should be doing.)
7-20 minutes, not counting foreplay. Sometimes round 2 after some cuddling, sometimes not. But this varies wildly. I've had wifey wake up the next morning beaming after a session that couldn't have been more than 2 minutes. If you're hitting the right spots, which should come naturally with practice and attention to detail, you don't need to be Superman.
I brought along a friend on my honeymoon because we both wanted a marathon. Good old Blue Diamond Philips, as my buddy called it. Took it on our third night in Spain. About 45 minutes later, wifey threw in the towel, and soon after that, she was asleep from the wine. Took another hour (and a quick dip in the somewhat chilly Med) for the damn thing to wear off; I had tinges of pain by the end. My friend had suggested taking just half since it was a fun experiment instead of a necessary crutch. I should've listened, but tried to be Superman. Maybe if she'd taken the female equivalent it would have been longer, but I doubt it. Friction is friction, and Astroglide isn't a magical potion.
The next morning was pretty fun though. Turns out, it hadn't worn off all the way, and I'd been planning some romance anyway (bought supplies to make mimosas and woke her up with a glass in my outstretched hand). We were a bit late leaving for the day's planned excursions, but it was worth it.
Sex should be fun. If it's not, or if it's not satisfying, communication is literally the only thing you can do to improve it. There was a time that I had a lot of family stress and was keeping it inside. It was preventing liftoff altogether, and persisted for a few days until we talked about it. Went away right after. Nobody is a machine. Even pornstars need a boost to do what they do, and with the cameras in their face filming, sometimes that's not even enough. Watch a "behind-the-scenes" about pornstars sometimes - they have lots of techniques to ensure things happen, and many of them involve chemicals both legal and not.
I have to agree with CStanley.
If you keep thinking about going out dancing, but end up spending the night on the couch, maybe it is time to hit the treadmill while watching "Dancing With the Stars." Then one day, you may feel like going out dancing.
"2. There's a distinction between what you want and what you want to want."
As bakers say, "but if you try sometimes, you get what you knead."
I am Laslo.
Blue Diamond Philips
Kills my sinuses. Congestion City.
"Kills my sinuses. Congestion City."
Don't snort it.
I am Laslo.
"1. The best test of what you actually want is what you are actually doing."
Reinventing revealed preferences. The tricky part in sex: it involves what someone else wants.
"2. There's a distinction between what you want and what you want to want."
But if you want what you want to want, then you want it.
"3. Thinking about time is very different from living through time."
All the time?
"4. We tend to think about what we want to do, even when we're in the middle of doing one of the things we were previously thinking about wanting to do."
So?
"5. If you're thinking about time, you're already losing the experience of being in the moment."
But I'd like to think you were in the moment writing that.
Validity of the claim depends on what the meaning of think is. Example: some music organizes temporal experience in such a way that we can be conscious of it doing so without losing the experience of being in the moment. Flow involves experiencing coherence in a sequence of moments.
The real question is, how do you write a 1,500 word article with "sex" in the title that's actually about nothing?
Sex has been exalted as the be-all end-all of human existence because it is the squirrel which the Left uses to hide its totalitarianism. It is the only sphere of human existence where they advocate total freedom. In everything else, they are total fascists, but if sex is the only thing that really matters, then that's not so bad, right?
I remember one time I rolled over in the morning and said, "I have to have a rabbit fuck" and put it in without foreplay and maybe thrust it fifteen times and came and was done.
I figured she had done me a nice favor, but probably hadn't enjoyed it. A couple days later she says "Can you fuck me like a rabbit again?"
There's a certain "nudge, nudge, know what I mean, say no more" to this discussion...
"I mean you've slept with a lady... What's it like?'
Sex should last long enough, and no longer.
Qwinn said...
Sex has been exalted as the be-all end-all of human existence because...
If you have to come up with explanations as to why sex has been exalted as the be-all end-all of human existence then you're not doing it right.
@ Tim in VT
Yup.
Sometimes a girl or woman just wants to be taken. It's biology. Same with spanking, mild choking, and the occasional handcuffing. I don't like choking a girl during sex - I'll only do it if requested, and never bring it up myself. I'm terrified that I'll end up like Lenny in "Of Mice & Men".
Sex has been exalted as the be-all end-all of human existence because...
This is all based on our sexual puberty desires before we were actually able to get any. I remember when I was thirteen thinking "when I'm an adult, I'm going to have sex every single day of my life." It was some form of greatness I aspired to. It was more important than career and education. Those were just necessary means to acquire sex.
I figured she had done me a nice favor, but probably hadn't enjoyed it.
For me, the favor became a daughter.
At its best, sex sucks.
Ann Althouse said: I said the "best test." It's not conclusive, but it's the starting point.
How is that "best"? It's more like a baseline. I'd say a test couldn't be considered "good" unless it is better than that level. Kind of like in order for a method of weather prediction to be good, it's got to be able to beat out "tomorrow's weather will be a lot like today's" as a predictor.
When I was in my early thirties, an older African-American guy at work told me about the wonders of Viagra. He said he used it on first dates because he like to give his date "something special".
Don't let your pride get in the way he told me. I didn't have ED, but let's face it, the hard-ons available when you are in your teens become elusive. You know, the walk down the hall with your school books in front of your crotch hard-ons.
It was a wonder drug. I would spread the good news to my buddies, and some would just shut it down with the "I don't need it" attitude like it was a ladies aid in a pool game. These were the same guys that wouldn't get vasectomies as if their balls were some type of protected treasure.
I would tell them, "It's not about a problem...it's about a party!"; which I still think should be the current Viagra slogan.
What I can never figure out is Laslo Spatula's obsession with the 'tradesman's entrance.'
Flying is actually fun once you have enough time in type so that you know exactly how the plane will respond in every condition.
Planes want a lot less flying than pilots, of course.
The secret of a snap roll in light wing-loaded airplanes is full aileron in the direction of roll. Contrary to what the theory is.
@ Gusty Winds -
Funny you should mention. My blue friend came from my black buddy, groomsman in my wedding, actually. He'd just started using it and couldn't wait to spread the word.
A wheel landing in tailwheel airplanes is easier and more consistent and shorter. You hit the numbers every time.
rhhardin said...
Flying is actually fun once you have enough time in type so that you know exactly how the plane will respond in every condition.
I'm sure there is a cockpit joke in there somewhere...
Sometimes in the morning the oil pressure won't come up when you start.
Shut down the engine, get out and lift the tail high off the ground for a few moments. This floods oil in the oil intake, priming the pump.
Tailwheel airplanes only, of course.
On skis, keep the airplane moving. If you stop, it takes a huge amount of power to start moving again.
Pull the power off at the top of loops. You don't need it going downhill.
After 15 years of flying, you may find long distance bike riding more interesting. Sell the airplanes and buy a nice bike.
I suspect since the name Kardashian was used in the story, that it is a puff-piece and the royalties will be paid to their corporations.
I stopped reading when I read that name, and I think it was a setup job to get us to click on the link and allow them to cash in.
Amazed to read that two people above gave away the secret of sex and the sexes. Women want to be taken. Women want it hard. Women want to be dominated in the sack.
Fabi's secret orgasmatron move:
Take your woman into the bedroom by the arm. Shove her face down on the bed and rip her bottoms and panties off. Use your left hand to pull her left arm behind her back and force it into the small of her back. Take your open right hand with you thumb facing down, and grab her hair at the base of her neck and twist until you're seeing tops of your fisted fingers. Shove her face onto the bed hard.
Now, lift her ass up enough for entry and give her the best fifteen minutes you have from behind, while yanking her hair and shoving her arm into the small of her back. If she's able to speak after you complete this technique, the only thing she'll be saying is that her toes hurt from being curled that hard.
You're welcome.
This works for anal, as well, Laslo. But I'm sure you've used this method many times before.
Fabi said...Take your woman...
That worked out well for John Bobbitt (not)...
If that ain't rape, it oughta be.
Your "woman" needs either a cop or a psychologist. probably both in either order.
Your "woman" needs either a cop or a psychologist. probably both in either order.
Somebody here had some pretty good links on Soviet abuse of psychiatry. You should maybe read them. Personally, I was just relating an incident that gave me some insight. But people are different, and we were not created by a God with Rules.
As the old jokes goes, "My girlfriend thinks sex should last for 45 minutes. I asked 'Does that include the drive over here?'"
1. The best test of what you actually want is what you are actually doing.
2. There's a distinction between what you want and what you want to want.
"Man can do what he wants but he cannot want what he wants."--Schopenhauer
Fabi, is that a technique for inducing swift divorce, revenge, or criminal charges?
@Kyzernick:
I had a girlfriend years ago who had been married. She told me her husband could not come earlier than about 45 minutes of intercourse. She said she typically got her satisfaction and lost interest after about 15 or so minutes, so this was tedious and boring to her. (In addition, she said he was big, and so it became painful, as well.)
So, guys...don't worry if you're not mammothly hung marathon men! At least some women want neither the size nor the duration!
Flying, and sex, are more fun if you can hover.
How did we get to the point of wanting longer sex in the abstract but never really acting on it IRL?
And when women do act on it IRL sometimes they still complain. Hey, you saw how long it was, bitch, you knew what to expect.
Woman to man who longer wants to be with her, in some romantic comedy,
"Did you just fake an orgasm?"
My wife says she wants sex every day of the week!
I told her to put me down for Friday.
Ba-dum ching!
I was thinking of writing something really good but then I stopped thinking and started writing and I forgot what it was.
That thread in which some folks shared way too much...
I don't think the length of each sexual encounter is as much on the mind of most people as the frequency of encounters.
For working parents, by the time you get to bed you are pretty exhausted by the rigors of the day. It takes some effort to get things going and it does not prospectively seem like it will be worth it. My guess is that a lot of potentially good intercourse is not being had due to fatigue.
But it is always worth it. It isn't taking a significant chunk out of your sleep time either, possibly it makes you go to sleep faster, so you don't lose any net sleep time.
Thanks
Şehirler arası Evden eve Nakliyat
4. We tend to think about what we want to do, even when we're in the middle of doing one of the things we were previously thinking about wanting to do.
“I didn’t even want to fuck you in the ass until you told me I couldn’t!” - Sam Kinison
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