October 17, 2013

"The last thing Universal wants is another actor to emerge as its 'Fifty Shades' protagonist only to waffle."

The last guy quit because:

1. Fans of the books didn't think he properly embodied sadistic billionairitude and their hostility freaked out the poor guy, or...

2. The script sucks, and the actor's effort to participate in rewriting it went too far, and the studio drew the line, or...

3. It's a really dumb role, and whoever plays it will be ruined. As it says at the link: "the virgin-turned-sexpert Anastasia Steele... has greater dimension than the [Christian] Grey character." A 5-page booklet has greater dimension than a single sheet of paper. She gets to go from virgin to sexpert. (Is there a cornier word than "sexpert"?)

4. No one wants to be laughed at while performing sex, especially the sort of eroticism that depends so heavily on being taken seriously. If people start laughing in the theaters, which you know they will, this is a disaster. There's a reason stories like this get popular in print form.

5. Why can't I just eat my waffle?

20 comments:

bbkingfish said...

Yep.

Thorley Winston said...


6. He gets to have pretend sex with much hotter women nearly every week on “Sons of Anarchy” then he would in this movie.

John Constantius said...

I've got to go with 3 and 4. I can't think of a single movie whose primary theme was sex that did anything to advance the careers of its actors. Even when a "great director" heads the picture (e.g. Stanley Kubrick and Eyes Wide Shut), it turns into a disaster.

No intelligent established actor would take this part. They'll need to cast some unknowns who hope that this can be their breakthrough or who are so desperate to pay the mortgage they'll do anything.

As for the fans, they won't be happy unless Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart take the roles, given that the multi-million selling novel is actually a Twilight fan-fiction with the names changed. But Pattinson and Stewart aren't that dumb.

YoungHegelian said...

Oh, come on! The ladies just need to drop all their pretensions about how arty it'll all be and let Universal sell the rights to Vivid Entertainment. Vivid will get it scripted, filmed, and out the door in a month, with the chicks gorgeous & the guys hung like gorillas.

Xmas said...

Or we could all just rent "Secretary" and be done with over-the-top retread of the same story.

I suppose there are worse things for an actor than to be the next now-middle-age-former-teen-hearthrob-James-Spader.

Revenant said...

I can't think of a single movie whose primary theme was sex that did anything to advance the careers of its actors.

"One Night in Paris"? :)

John Constantius said...

Had to Google that one, Revenant. Well played, sir. Well played.

Cedarford said...

Charlie Hunnam is the closest I can think of being "another Brad Pitt".
Gorgeous, a true killer bod, and a decent body of work. At this time in Hunnam's career, like with Pitt earlier in his......his casting choices are critical. The right ones move him along, a single terrible one could put him off the hot prospects list for 5 years.

He and his agent probably got that from 50 Shades of Gray once they stepped in. Little upside, high chance of career sabotage.

Cedarford said...

Charlie Hunnam is the closest I can think of being "another Brad Pitt".
Gorgeous, a true killer bod, and a decent body of work. At this time in Hunnam's career, like with Pitt earlier in his......his casting choices are critical. The right ones move him along, a single terrible one could put him off the hot prospects list for 5 years.

He and his agent probably got that from 50 Shades of Gray once they stepped in. Little upside, high chance of career sabotage.

cassandra lite said...

I'm going with Number 6: When he was told that he'd have to wear a prosthetic penis because it was too small and they don't have a CGI budget, he pulled out.

Ben Calvin said...

Maybe an Anime version would be more appropriate.

YoungHegelian said...

@Ben Calvin,

Maybe an Anime version would be more appropriate.

I had no idea that there were monsters with tentacles in Fifty Shades of Grey.

Ben Calvin said...

@YoungHegelian Imagine how much more soulful the characters would look if they had those big anime eyes.

Carol said...

I never read 50 Shades but I googled it. No wonder the girls like it, the dude is supposed to be 27, but bondage S/M etc seems more like something older guys get into to sustain their interest.

Chris Lopes said...

I read the first couple of chapters of this book (which contain no sex btw) and I don't get it. It's probably one of the worst written things I've ever read, with enough romance novel cliches to choke Jude Deveraux. Hunnam made the right choice.

FullMoon said...

Producers teleconferencing with (obvious choice)Anthony Weiner......Developing

betamax3000 said...

50 Shades of Gray, Colored in Frequencies By Those Who Adjust the Hubble Photographs. Assign a Color and a Frequency to Each Sex Act. Describe the Positioning of Mauve.

NotquiteunBuckley said...

Corniest must be the most abunding example of corny.

Interesting question as thw word corny means differing things differing places.

Rush Hudson spoke of WFB today. WFB labeled the Repulican libs of his era "well-fed."

New not true; true not new.

betamax3000 said...

"Eating the Waffle" Sounds Like a Euphemism. Baby, I Gots the "Maple Syrup" Real Bad.

betamax3000 said...

Mickey Rourke. Nine-1/2 Weeks of Gray.