Headline (in Popular Mechanics.
That feels like a challenge to write your own list, so here's mine:
1. "Get off me."
2. "I'm sick of this 'Get off my lawn business.' I am not your lawn. I belong to me."
3. "Why don't you go back in the house, sit down at your computer, and write a 1000-page novel called 'The Lawn' — some Stephen King type thing about a lawn that's trying to tell some guy something, gets a mind of its own, and all hell breaks loose."
4. "Alternate title: 'Mown.' Get it? Moan. I love puns. It feels so good to get mown."
5. "Grrrrr. Ass."
6. "I am the beautiful uncut hair of graves."
7. "The only reason men are alive is to take care of me."