August 26, 2010

"I'm desperate to go back to normal. I'm downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D."

The ever-changing definition of "normal."
Though it's been more than nine months since she went under the knife, [Heidi] Montag says she is still in severe pain and her body has not acclimated to the over-the-top breast augmentation.

"I have major anxiety about it," she confides. "I was taking painkillers but they weren't working, so I stopped. It hurt either way," 

In addition to the physical pain, the busty blond reality star's new assets have prevented her from properly hugging her four dogs or wearing anything that isn't a custom-made design.

"I'm obsessed with fitness but it's impossible to work out with these boobs," Montag says. "It's heartbreaking. I can't live an everyday life." 
Yet, on the plus side, there is all the publicity and reality show material entailed in this "realization" and subsequent additional surgery — and surgery is her only real basis for fame.
With the passing of her confidant Dr. Ryan, Montag fears that she will be stuck living in her cartoon-like figure forever.

"I feel trapped in my own body," she confesses. "There's just no fixing it. Dr. Ryan knows the work he did, he knows everything."
Because how could another doctor ever locate those implants?
... Montag was quick to squash the rumors....
Oh! The imagery!

Find a doctor to (find and) remove your implants, and find the decency to remove your "downgraded" self from the public stage.

58 comments:

Scott said...

It is not as important to be normal as it is to be yourself.

ricpic said...

On the upside she floats good, real good.

Clyde said...

Yuk. She looks like one of those expensive sex dolls. Very lifelike, but not quite real.

Fred4Pres said...

Getting plastic surgery is like moving to start anew. Yeah it changes you. When you get there, you are still fundamentally the same person.

traditionalguy said...

Today's theme seems to be "things that suck". The economy is sucking air. Heidi's teats are bigger than ever, but they suck until they can be surgically sucked out. Social Security is now sucking back some money that the Count Draculas of Congress sucked out of its Trust Fund over the last 40 years. Count Simpson is in charge of counting the angry citizens he helped rob and wishes they would all suck their last breath a little sooner. I wont comment on Ken Mehlmen's new friends.

Scott said...

@traditionalguy: Check out Ann's pix of Cinci. They don't suck at all.

MadisonMan said...

I am sensing a theme.

Perhaps Dr. Alan Simpson can assist her.

Ron said...

Maybe we should put her on the treadmill and use the Oscillating Boobtastic Energy to light up New England. Or something.

Rialby said...

How's that fourth wave feminism working out for you Ann?

Go cruise the mall some day... every woman under 30 is dressed like a whore.

Big Mike said...

One D is already bigger than anyone really needs.

traditionalguy said...

@ Scott...The pics in Cincinnati are cool, but yesterday was before real sucking sounds started up today. Tiger Wood is feeling great suction from Elin directed at his wallet. Obama is probably sucking his cigarettes for having to endure that many rainy days trapped with Michelle.Etc.

peter hoh said...

She's 23? From the photo, I would have guessed closer to 43.

Big Mike said...

@Rialby, your remark called to mind an episode many years ago when my son was inducted into NHS in high school.

As the kids walked across the stage my thoughts regarding the girls were:

(1) If you sewed two of those skirts together you might make one handkerchief.

(2) They're honor students and they don't realize that the stage is elevated and all the parents are sitting below them?

(3) When did it become the style for girls to dress as though they had been kicked out of the cheapest brothel in town for dressing too sleazy?

(4) I'm glad I had boys and not girls.

c3 said...

With the passing of her confidant Dr. Ryan, Montag fears that she will be stuck living in her cartoon-like figure forever.

Her "cartoon-like" status has less to do with her appearance than she believes

Deirdre Mundy said...

She should try hanging out with nursing moms sometime.

Her demure DDD would be nearly flat-chested! :P

Fen said...

She looks like one of those expensive sex dolls. Very lifelike, but not quite real.

Exactly. I see these kind of women in DC.

Plastic is not sexy.

knox said...

She's 23? From the photo, I would have guessed closer to 43.

Yes, isn't it funny how plastic surgery makes young women look old?

Joan Rivers daughter started looking old and haggard a long time ago. Too many procedures.

edutcher said...

Implants always look as if somebody slid a couple of boulders under the skin. Not cool.

I love the line, "I'm obsessed with fitness but it's impossible to work out with these boobs,". That didn't occur to her beforehand? (I know... What was I thinking?)

traditionalguy said...

Today's theme seems to be "things that suck".

More like things that can't be sucked.

Skyler said...

I have never understood the breast augmentation craze. All breasts are beautiful, unless the woman is fat, of course.

It's a surgery that sensible women should only use if they are disfigured.

Beauty comes from looking healthy, not from any specific measurement.

chuckR said...

Normal. I do not think this word means what you think it means.

wv - dendi - swell, just dendi

Smilin' Jack said...

At least "augmented" boobs look a lot better than tattoos.

Scott M said...

Daniel Tosh's take on breast implants is priceless.

"Breast augmentation affords you the unique opportunity to make your outer appearance the same as your inner appearance...fake. You can say all you want that you did it to make your shirts fit better. You did it because you're a whore. You forgot because you're stupid. I date a woman with implants which makes me a hypocrite, but she had a-cups, which is gross...get it fixed girls."

paraphrasing, of course

Pogo said...

If only there were "common sense" implants, or at least implants that made you smarter than a box of hammers.

david7134 said...

Who in the hell is Heidi Montag? I never heard of her and don't think that I really do desire the knowledge.

William said...

Breast augmentation is an area where men get to feel effortlessly superior to women. Nonetheless, I have the sense that if they ever mastered the science of implanting silicone into penises, most guys would have bad backs from pushing a wheelbarrow around to support their phallus.

bagoh20 said...

Doesn't it get exhausting and boring to spend so much time, money, energy and sacrifice on your appearance? There is so much other interesting and rewarding stuff to do. Most foolish about this obsession, is the fact that in the end you will always fail at looking great. What a depressing deathbed scenario to reflect on the time that you spent just trying to look good, often failing immediately and always eventually.

former law student said...

Back when we subscribed to one of the movie channels, I watched a depressing bio of Anna Nicole Smith. She had been an attractive young woman, but wanted to have a monstrously huge bosom.

The horror that sticks in my mind: Nobody made implants big enough to give her the effect she wanted, so the surgeon obligingly double stacked them, as if she had a Big Mac in each boob.

But the fakery did lead to fame, fortune, controversy, marriage to an extremely elderly man, and an untimely death.

Rich B said...

Somebody has to come up with retractable breasts. Then you can adjust their size depending on how you feel, when you need to work out, hug your dogs, etc.

former law student said...

Rich B is a genius.

I picture a basketball valve under each breast, right by the ribs. Then the only problem would be "Honey, do my boobs look even?"

Paul said...

Heidi who?

Only Heidi I know trains people how to shoot, as in Heidi Smith.

Whomever this 'Heidi' is, she needs a shrink more than a boob job.

SteveR said...

She's not very good looking.

traditionalguy said...

The poor plastic surgeons are 40% off in their incomes, but still have the same leveredged investments, upside down. They are trapped until they can sell enough free and clear assets to afford to do a bankruptcy. The best Docs have a lesser but steady income on repair work from accidents and birth defects still paid by insurance that they have always done. But the high rollers that did cosmetic elective only are losing everything.

El Pollo Real said...

MadisonMan wrote: Perhaps Dr. Alan Simpson can assist her.

He should know grand tetons. He's from Wyoming.

Old N' Cranky said...

...it's not just her boobs that have gotten the treatment...

http://www.mylifetime.com/all-the-looks/hairs-the-scoop-blog/what-happened-to-heidi-montag

Class factotum said...

Somebody has to come up with retractable breasts

There was a Barbie (Skipper) like that. You raised her arms and her breasts grew.

Big Mike said...

@Class factotum, you got turned on by a Skipper doll.

Lem said...

..and surgery is her only real basis for fame.

Inevitably the work of another doctor will be compared to the work of the dead doctor.

Usually when I was handed a drawing to add to it or to make small changes, I could not help myself and redo an bunch of things I thought did not "look right".

I wonder if editors have the same temptation.

knox said...

Who in the hell is Heidi Montag? I never heard of her

Be grateful.

I have been convinced from the beginning that she and her stupid husband are fake people who run their entire lives trying to get in gossip rags and reality shows.

Lem said...

He significant other has acquired a different look of his own.. he's walking around with a surf board.

Lem said...

She's not very good looking.

She used to look better b4 the surgery.

Lem said...

Faces have a quality that has been harnessed by evolution.. in the sense we are supposed to tell a lot by reading the face.. friend or foe, moods and all the things that derive from that.

You get plastic surgery and it is as if you are taking a dump on thousands of years of work.

Lem said...

I watched Brown Bunny (2003) the other day and it had a scene with Cheryl Tiegs.

I thought, WOW she still looks hot.

No way she would have remained that beautiful had she gotten plastic surgery.

Shit.. I thought I googled Cheryl Tiegs just in case and plastic surgery did come up.. It did.

I still say the movie was made in 2003 and she still had no plastic surgery then.. and she looked really good.

Class factotum said...

Big Mike, I'm not turned on by Skipper, I am envious. I lift my arms and nothing like that happens.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

I'm not turned on by Skipper, I am envious. I lift my arms and nothing like that happens.

No matter how many times or how furiously you flap your arms....LOL

I remember that doll. I was much too old to be interested in dolls and never really played with dolls much anyway, but a doll with growing boobs was rather impressive.

ironrailsironweights said...

If there is anything remotely good about the Hideous Pedophilic Bald Eagle, it's that it is reversible. Stay away from the razor and an adult woman can start looking like an actual adult woman once again.

Peter

Bushman of the Kohlrabi said...

Peter. Haven't you heard? Bush is back!

Bushman of the Kohlrabi said...

Circus tits are never a good look. Don't these women know that hips-to-waist ratio is a more important metric?

ironrailsironweights said...

Peter. Haven't you heard? Bush is back!

Do you mean that George P. Bush is going to run for President in 2016? That's the only context in which your statement may be true. If we're talking about women's grooming habits, "extinct" is a more accurate word. More than 75% of all women in the 18 - 50 age range are completely hairless, and almost all of the others have nothing more than landing strips or tiny patches.

Peter

Bushman of the Kohlrabi said...

Peter, fwiw

JAL said...

I can't live an everyday life.

Sadly, she wouldn't know an everyday life if it smacked her hard right in the boobs.

And no, she does not want to live one. Otherwise she wouldn't be standing arouns half naked whining about her custom made size Gs at the age of 23.

miller said...

Well, it looks very natural to have what are to all appearances two sliced halves of a giant ostrich egg stuck under her skin so her bra stays taut. I mean, who wouldn't want to have that look?

jamboree said...

Who is Heidi Montag and who is Daniel Tosh?

That's the best thing about hitting 40. Being off the auction block and so naturally unconcerned. Beyond a smattering of names, many of whom I know because of my 11-yr-old, I have no idea who anyone is. I may as well be reading the UK Daily Mail. And I used to live and work in Los Angeles in my early 20s. lol.

(BTW, I nominate the UK tabloids as the most depressing that you can read anywhere. I don't know how they do it. I don't know who 80 percent of the people are, don't care, and yet if I click one link off an aggregate site, it's like the Dementors in Harry Potter. I find it almost impossible to get away for a good 15 minutes and by then I'm vacant-eyed and nearly suicidal - my soul in a state of disrepair.)

jamboree said...

@bagoh20

Honestly, I don't think anything equals looking good on a day-to-day, moment-by-moment happiness basis. Greater accomplishments are more deeply satisfying, but they are just as over once they are done. Your life is made up of moments.

If I look with pride on some accomplishment, or enjoy an activity, or a relationship, that's great, but the rest of the time I'm with myself looking good and feeling good (they are often the same) or not. And looking good makes the accomplishments that much more sweet - see Angelina flying her plane. Isn't it just a little more interesting that its effing Angelina flying a plane?

I don't mean mutilating yourself in a sad attempt to be the best-looking person in the room, but we all know the difference between when we look the best we can, or ever have, and when we don't.

Let's not downplay the importance of how important looks really are. By the time they fade, a lot of people get a lot of mileage and money out of them. Their attractiveness puts them on more exciting life trajectory from the beginning that has the potential to compound as time passes.

So in a way, I feel for this woman. All she wanted was a ticket for the train that some gain access to just by being born. Case in point - Pamela Anderson. I think her chest is hideous, but I would never deny that her life would be mundane as hell if she'd never gotten the implants.

It'd be nice if it didn't matter. I agree 100 percent. But it does. The fact that it does should never ever be an excuse for cruelty. It shouldn't. It'd probably be a better world. Or rather, it'd be great if everyone really were naturally beautiful so they could enjoy it. There are a million variations of beauty - which is not the same as saying everyone is beautiful.

Methadras said...

Aside from her being a complete and total moron. I think her plastic surgery did wonders for her looks. I can't feel her pain, but I'd rather not worry about that. I personally think she looks great. Clyde says she looks like an expensive sex doll. Yeah, well, what do you think she wanted to become? She may want to bring the girls down to a D or a DD, but they will still look good on her. The only thing I really object to about her surgery has been the franken-chin she chose to get implanted. Totally elongated her face. Outside of that, keep it rollin' honey. Besides, her shelf life is going to be very limited. Once she tags 40+ she will need to seriously maintain all of that work and it's all downhill from there.

Methadras said...

Rich B said...

Somebody has to come up with retractable breasts. Then you can adjust their size depending on how you feel, when you need to work out, hug your dogs, etc.


I believe they make air inflatable implants. I believe. Not exactly sure. Also, I do know that the saline implants can be filled or unfilled as necessary, but I think both air/saline still require a surgical procedure to fine tune the appearance.

md said...

Dr. Ryan was negligent in performing all of that surgery on Montag..in one day no less.

Montag was clearly mentally unstable to have asked for all of that surgery. Again - all to be done in one day.

Me thinks that now that which went around has come back around again.

Paul Snively said...

I'm with Lem on this one: Heidi Montag had an extremely pretty face... before she went and had it transformed into... well... every other girl's face in Los Angeles. This actually bothers me more than what she did to her breasts, but I'm glad that, given the health problems she's facing as a consequence, she's having that undone.

former law student said...

finally iron cleared up the mystery.

The hairless look is a natural progression: first the pits, then the legs, then the bikini line, the landing strip, the Hitler mustache, the tiny v -- women like to be in control of their body hair.