March 29, 2014

"I will not sleep with you until you stop talking about bacon."

"I'd never sleep with a woman who thinks talking about how much they love bacon is cool or funny."
Seriously, it's been at least 7-8 years of this bacon obsession. Do we need bacon underwear? Bacon peglegs? Bacon wrapped tampons? So what, bacon tastes good. So does chicken fried steak. You don't see hipsters running around with ironic chicken fried steak shirts. If you're going to be a mindless follower, fine. But don't expect to bed down with me....


I really like a good BLT. The consumption of bacon is not my problem.

The girl I'm long-distance dating is fine in all other departments, but she won't shut up about bacon. It's tiresome. No. it's beyond tiresome. It's annoying and I think less of her as a person every time she uses bacon as a punchline. This thread is her ultimatum. I know she frequents L.A. yelp.

42 comments:

Rae said...

She's a keeper!

SGT Ted said...

Chicken Fried Steak doesn't TASTE as good as bacon does.

Otherwise, some redneck would have wrapped a turkey in it for Thanksgiving already.

And I want that woman's phone number.

W.B. Picklesworth said...

Which is worse: a bacon fetish or posting passive aggressive screeds online?

Billy Oblivion said...

> This thread is her ultimatum.
> I know she frequents L.A. yelp.

Passive aggressive metrosexual twerp.

tim maguire said...

The bacon obsession is mildly amusing on my blogs, but it plays virtually no role in my real life.

I Have Misplaced My Pants said...

His lady love clearly has some maturity issues.

You know who talks about how played-out bacon is? My twelve year old. That should tell you that it's lost its luster.

Tank said...

My friend recently sent me six pounds of Wisconsin bacon. Yum.

Last night we had a gorgonzola, onion and bacon pizza.

Bacon.

David said...

Protection from making a life-long mistake.

There really is nothing bacon can't do.

David said...

I'm with Collie David.

LordSomber said...

Hipsters can't ruin the awesome power of bacon but they can surely ruin talking about it.

realwest said...

OK, I LOVE bacon. But it does seem to me to be, at best,silly to be talking about it frequently, and at worst ridiculous to be talking to OTHER people about it frequently.

And Prof. Althouse, I drop by this blog most everyday even if I don't comment much, but today you have a photo of yourself, wearing a yellow sweater(?), sleeves pushed up, head on your right hand, elbow on the table and I just thought you should know that it seems to me that the photo in question makes you look as if you are suspicious about something. Something about your eyes, perhaps.

jr565 said...

I love bacon myself. But who talks about bacon constantly? Except as a joke.

EDH said...

Dude, she's "achin' for the bacon".

glenn said...

Baconmania is a snarky response to the food Nazis and meddlesome busybodies who unable to control their own lives want to control yours. Have fun with it.

MadisonMan said...

She can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan...

I think I'll go home (I'm at work) and fry some up for lunch.

Deirdre Mundy said...

Would he rather she obsessed about sausage?

Rae said...

Would he rather she obsessed about sausage?

Well, what man wouldn't?

William said...

All true Muslims recognize this talk about bacon as a microaggression.

Scott said...

@William: Yeah I know it's supposed to be a glib comment (har har har duly noted), but I do wonder if bacon's unfitness for consumption by observant Muslims and Jews and vegetarians (including big swaths of Buddhists) and others whose adopted values put them on an ostentatiously higher moral plane than the rest of us unenlightened folk give it it a certain cachet?

(Damn, that was one messy sentence.)

Scott said...

"give it a certain cachet" = "gives it a certain cachet"

I can write. I just can't get my cases to agree. :(

SOJO said...

I loved bacon. Didn't make a big deal out of it, but since most of my family is either vegetarian or super healthy omnivores, I took a lot of shit for it.

It's different from chicken-fried steaks because it is just grosser in its bacony goodness: the smell, the stripes of fat, the grease. My sister and niece have bought me bacon band aids and bacon lollipops. I was never to be allowed to forget the great joke of my liking bacon.

I don't have bacon now because of the nitrates. I hear somewhere out there exists nitrate-free bacon. Maybe I'll find it by Easter brunch.

Sigh. Enjoy your bacon.

richard mcenroe said...

Peanut butter and bacon tortilla rolls.

You gotta use the flour tortillas cuz the corn tortillas just don't hold up.

rhhardin said...

How about I won't sleep with you without a mutual eye to making it something permanent.

gadfly said...

After watching the Ritz with Bacon commercial every three minutes during each NCAA tournament game that I have watched - enough is enough about bacon. I won't give up on BLTs but all other forms of consuming the pig's underbelly are verboten starting with not having to endure the smell at breakfast.

Smilin' Jack said...

"I will not sleep with you until you stop talking about bacon."

Amen. God did not give women mouths so that they could talk about bacon.

West Town said...

I am more of a pork rind or crackling evangelist

t-man said...

Is salted crispy chicken skin a good bacon substitute for those who keep kosher? (Not me)

SGT Ted said...

Baconomania is blowback for decades of insufferable bullshit and diet judgementalism from the anti-meat assholes.

The piggies came home to roost on their asses!

Austin said...

I don't think the correct term is "Bacomania". I think it is just "Baconmania". As in "Beatlemania", and most certainly not "Beatleomania".

Ann Althouse said...

"I love bacon myself. But who talks about bacon constantly? Except as a joke."

That's the point. It's been a thing to joke about bacon for many years. Time has been called. It's not cool anymore. It's uncool.

Dale Light said...

Who in this comment thread gives a tinker's dam about being cool? Make all the bacon jokes you like. If they are funny, I'll enjoy them.

Birkel said...

I want to "ban bossy" on this thread.

Therefore, Althouse, I will not allow you to call time. Bacon is delicious. It's not ironic. It's a nearly perfect food that makes almost all other foods better.

Like all trends, if talking about bacon were a trend it would eventually become uncool. But bacon itself will be delicious for as long as I can chew or run a blender or pay somebody else to run a blender.

Chris Lopes said...

There was a time when one group of people could tell another group of people what was cool and what wasn't. That particular era ended when pop culture stopped being controlled by a bunch of alcoholic white guys. These days, being cool is a matter of (very diversified) taste. If you like jokes about the love of bacon, there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let the meme fascists tell you different.

acm said...

Can we still make fun of quinoa? I hope so; it's fun to say. Keen-WAH!

Yeah. I'm kind of a dork. I should probably care about that...

rhhardin said...

America stands as a bacon of hope for the world.

acm said...

That yelp thread thoroughly confused me.

It's not about bacon!

The girlfriend may be a real tramp or perhaps not real at all! She's a long-distance girlfriend (no mention of whether she's Canadian and they totally met at Niagra Falls on summer vacation, fell in love, and went all the way, for realsies)!

Toward the end, it's somehow an argument about hats that may or may not have been worn by Harrison Ford.

I feel a little better about my own dorkiness, now.

averagejoe said...

What he says: "Seriously, it's been at least 7-8 years of this bacon obsession. Do we need bacon underwear? Bacon peglegs? Bacon wrapped tampons? So what, bacon tastes good..."
What she hears: "blah blah blah Bacon blah blah blah blah Bacon blah blah blah bacon blah blah...

Jason said...

I like chicharron. It's like bacon, only more so.

Jason said...

Let's take a closer look at those pork bellies.

Nichevo said...

Yes, t-man, we call it gribenes and it's (how do you do strikeout html here?) heart attack, er, heaven in a bowl, especially served alongside another bowlful of shredded black radishes drizzled with kosher salt and schmaltz (chicken fat). Just made some. Mmm mmm mmm! I gotta get back to Sammy's Roumanian before they close...

Seven Years of College Down the Drain said...

I would SO wear a chicken-fried steak t-shirt. And absolutely unironically.

Seven Years of College Down the Drain said...

Salted crispy chicken skin is good on its own terms.

It'll probably kill us. But not today.

Between living long and living well, I will choose (b) every time. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, I'll resent not having had ice cream today.