December 16, 2013

"All the apple-cheeked babies, captured for eternity in Creamsicle onesies three sizes too big, are nearly grown."

That's the first sentence of what?

The incredibly long and abstruse Sports Illustrated article about Peyton Manning, from which I was unable to extract the reasoning for choosing him as Sportsman of the Year (other than, looking at the sidebar of other possibilities, the lack of anyone more compelling).

When the hell did sportswriting turn into that sort of thing? Babies. Onesies. Should a man even use the word "onesies"? Creamsicle? Come on, people.

But if we're going to talk about football, let's talk about the Green Bay Packers humiliating the Dallas Cowboys last night. Wasn't that a highly emotive experience?
"It took me everything not to cry," McCarthy said..... "I was drained. I don't think people realize what professional athletes put into a contest. Just to see the emotion of guys... what we overcame. I don't have the words. My vocabulary's stuck right now. It was incredible."
Mars needs women. Women have the words. We're more verbal. We can say "onesies" and "babies" and "Creamsicle" and more. But I'll just say "the emotion of guys"... I love that. And... go, Packers, and good for you, Peyton Manning.

35 comments:

MadisonMan said...

I'm glad the Pack won. But it just makes me realize how incredibly sucky Dallas must be to have let that happen.

Tank said...

Dallas is so bad that the Giants almost beat them this year.

Clyde said...

Fucking Cowboys! They couldn't hold a 23 point lead at halftime. They suck! And I say that as a long-time and disgruntled Cowboys fan.

Paul Zrimsek said...

In what sense is a woman who can say "onesies" and "babies" and "Creamsicle" more verbal than a man who can say those same things but (apparently) isn't allowed to?

mikeski said...

After Bryant lunged for the first down with 2 minutes to play and Dallas up 5, how do they not run the ball 3 times there?

Henry said...

Mike Napoli's beard should have been sportsman of the year.

A. Shmendrik said...

Jerry Jones must have kicked his cat.

Ipso Fatso said...

The "Sports" page has become as politically correct as news reporting in the MSM. Just read the Chicago Sun Times and resident eunuch Rick Telander or listen to Mike Green berg on ESPN, or Bob Costas…the list goes on and on. Certainly nothing new. The feminization of America is almost complete.

Tank said...

mikeski said...

After Bryant lunged for the first down with 2 minutes to play and Dallas up 5, how do they not run the ball 3 times there?



Time to fire the coach?

mrs. e said...

"What did you say at halftime?"

"We've got 'em right where we want 'em." -- Mike McCarthy

lol.

Henry said...

The selection smacks of recency bias. In 2013 the NFL quarterback who did the most for his team was Joe Flacco. But that all happened last January and February.

Tibore said...

"That's the first sentence of what?

The incredibly long and abstruse Sports Illustrated article about Peyton Manning, from which I was unable to extract the reasoning for choosing him as Sportsman of the Year."


Sure, but that's because it's nothing more than a sentence setting the background for his name. Nothing more.

Yeah, sportswriters can be simultaneously pompous and superficial. Oh man, can they ever be. But it's simply turned into a feature of the "genre". Worse yet, it's becoming endemic. Trust me when I say there's much worse out there.

"When the hell did sportswriting turn into that sort of thing? Babies. Onesies. Should a man even use the word "onesies"? Creamsicle? Come on, people."

Sportswriting turned into that sort of thing with the advent of the glossy magazine. And the trend became heightened when internet sports sites exploded in number.

Frighteningly enough, there's writing out there that's even more asinine in comparison.

""
But if we're going to talk about football, let's talk about the Green Bay Packers humiliating the Dallas Cowboys last night. Wasn't that a highly emotive experience?"


Well, in truth, the Cowboys more often self-embarrass than not. But yes, I'm reading that it was one heckuva comeback. Green Bay is a more disciplined team than the 'Boys anyway, so while it's an accomplishment, it's not so surprising that it happened.

mrs. e said...

The selection smacks of recency bias. In 2013 the NFL quarterback who did the most for his team was Joe Flacco. But that all happened last January and February

That's nice, but what have you done for me lately, Joe? Add to that, Manning's surgery and (mostly unexpected) comeback with a new team, he's on the short list. It's not a flashy choice, but I can't think of any other season-long performances. Now, if the Seahawks take the SB, then Wilson's a better story.

As for the first sentence review - it's pretty typical for a long SI piece.

SteveR said...

With all due respect to the Packer team, their fans should take no pride in that victory. A stunning lack of competence in game management.

Henry said...

My serious pick would have been Inbee Park or maybe Ronda Rousey. Again, recency bias is at work. Rousey's big fight, in which she became the first UFC female champion and the face of women's MMA, was last February.

Not one of the male Sports Illustrated writers picked Rousey.

Even the golf guy picked Phil Mickelson over Inbee Park. Inbee Park dominated the LPGA in 2013, winning the first three masters of the season. But Phil, like Peyton, is nice guy.

Christy said...

When my nephews were born at UT Medical Center during the years referenced, the hospital posted pictures and names of new babies on the hospital website. Families loved those pics of babies in their onesies. Once found, it was fun to browse and check out what crazy names parents chose. That first paragraph is an apparently non-universal cultural reference, but very familiar in the region.

traditionalguy said...

They need to hire Mack Brown. Then Jones' losing ways can continue.

Bob Boyd said...

The writer was probably looking at a baby picture of his own kid that was on his desk when he was trying to get the piece started.
He yelled to his wife and asked, "what do you call this... thing he's wearing? And what is that on the front? A corndog? What is that?"
When she told him it was called a onesie, he was like, "A onesie?! I can't put that." And she was like, "Well that's what they're called."
So he put "All the red-faced babies with corndogs on their jammies..."
But his editor, a woman, fixed it for him.

madAsHell said...

how do they not run the ball 3 times there?


If there was ever a game that was fixed, then this was it.

Tank said...

@mad

They fixed it during halftime?

West Texas Intermediate Crude said...

Cowboy Coach Jason: "If we are still ahead in the 4th quarter, and we need to burn clock to win, we can throw a bunch of incomplete passes instead. That'll show 'em. And if that's not enough, Tony, throw a couple of interceptions. Can't miss with that plan."

West Texas Intermediate Crude said...

Cowboy Coach Jason: "If we are still ahead in the 4th quarter, and we need to burn clock to win, we can throw a bunch of incomplete passes instead. That'll show 'em. And if that's not enough, Tony, throw a couple of interceptions. Can't miss with that plan."

From Inwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
From Inwood said...

From Inwood said...

I think that "creampuff" would be a better analogy for the Dallas Defense yesterday.

According to one report, Garrett said that Romo was told "running plays, but if you see nine guys lined up to rush, then throw a pass".

OK. but how 'bout adding "but for God's sake be sure you know where the other two defenders are before you throw any pass."?

IMHO, sportswriters, who major in Journalism, are hoping to have their opening sentences make one of those "Top Ten" lists of opening sentences.

"Call me Ishmael, but yesterday's Cowboys'/Packers' game was the best of times for it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a poor team in possession of a good lead, must be in want of a running play & many years later, as he faced a football audience Coach Garrett was to remember that distant afternoon when his Owner took him to discover his personal draft choices, & so happy teams are all alike; every unhappy team is unhappy in its own way - -losing.

Alex said...

What really got me is Time Magazine has a time machine! They already know the Broncos are going to finish 13-3!

mccullough said...

The Packers should have Rodgers sit out the rest of the season. He's their only good player and shouldn't have him get hurt again since they won't make the playoffs.

The Packers also need a new coach.

tim maguire said...

I have no idea when sportswriters became a bunch of limp-wristed girly men. But they did.

Birches said...

I heard Peyton was Sportsman of the Year on the radio this morning. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. If Peyton can actually win a playoff game this year, then go ahead and crown him, but really?

David Ortiz should have won and I hate the Red Sox.

Larry J said...

Alex said...
What really got me is Time Magazine has a time machine! They already know the Broncos are going to finish 13-3!


That was referring to last year. It also looks like a good prediction for this year. They're 11-3 right now and scheduled to play the Texans (2-12) and the Raiders (4-10).

Birches said...

I heard Peyton was Sportsman of the Year on the radio this morning. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. If Peyton can actually win a playoff game this year, then go ahead and crown him, but really?


That's a fair complaint. Why did they have to name him before the year was finished? It's like awarding the Heisman before college football is finished.

Tibore said...

"tim maguire said...
I have no idea when sportswriters became a bunch of limp-wristed girly men. But they did."


I don't know if I can agree with that characterization, although I'm much harsher about what I think of them. My own opinion is less that they're limp-wristed girly men and more that they're overimpressed with themselves due to their association with sports. And that they overestimate both their inventiveness at turning phrases as well as their analytic abilities. For a profession that wants to pride itself on good reporting and analysis, I've rarely seen such a group that's more wedded to shibboleths and platitudes than sports writers. You have to look at political columnists to beat them out.

Biff said...

A lot of modern sportswriters, especially at places like Sports Illustrated, have a massive chip on their shoulders: they want to be seen as Writers first, not as sportswriters, and their craft has suffered for it.

I think it is similar to how reporting has suffered as more people seek status as "journalists" than to be seen as "mere" reporters.

Robert said...

Women are more verbal? I guess that's why Shakespeare was a woman. Now I know!

Robert said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Birches said...

A lot of modern sportswriters, especially at places like Sports Illustrated, have a massive chip on their shoulders: they want to be seen as Writers first, not as sportswriters, and their craft has suffered for it.

You're right. I canceled my SI subscription earlier this year because most of the articles sounded like a script for Bart's People

Drago said...

It's pretty astonishing that some commenters are blaming Jason Garrett for the play calling when it was widely publicized (much to Garrett's clear embarrassment) that Jerry had handed all play calling to Coach Callahan (in the booth) and it was only recently that Jerry allowed Garrett to relay Callahans calls to Romo.

What a perfect illustration of how horrific a GM Jerry is, in contrast to his fantastic tripling of the Cowboys franchise value as owner.

Of course, his personal quirks which have given him tremendous business success are the very qualities that make him a collossal failure as GM.

Of course, with he and his son in place, you can expect another 20 years of the continued degradation of the on-field performance of the 'boys.