June 2, 2013

"My boyfriend talks too much during sex."

"We've been together for a year and recently he's started talking to me while we're intimate. At first it was everyday stuff like what he wants for dinner but then essentially he began ranting. Do you know how hard it is to climax while listening to someone talk about how many bands have produced 'disappointing second albums'? I don't know if I can go on like this."

This woman is so against talking that she can't talk.

If you give the other person the impression that you like something that person is doing during sex, they'll probably do more of it. At this point, she's been so withholding of communication that he should find her quite unappealing if she finally does speak up. Writing a letter to an advice columnist instead of talking to him? She thinks he's being unsexy, but she's unsexier. And the 2 of them are unsexy in completely opposite ways. But she's being unfair to him, while he is trying to please her, continuing with the thing that she's pretending to like. Plus, you've got to read between the lines and see that this man has great sexual endurance. He's talking about all manner of things because he's going on for — what? — hours. And all she's really thinking is: When will this be over? And by "over" all she even means is: When will my body do that orgasm thing in spite of this guy?

Back off, lady, and let somebody who appreciates fuck talking have him.

74 comments:

Mark O said...

Or, the story could be simply made up.

Inga said...

She needs to tune him out or tell him to shut up. Or she needs to drown him out with her cries of passion.

AprilApple said...

Please. Talking is so last century. People are texting now.

ironrailsironweights said...

Guaranteed she doesn't even look like a real woman.

Peter

madAsHell said...

You can't make this shit up!!

....oh wait!!

ricpic said...

I don't get the love vibe when he's "someone."

rehajm said...

Woman always puts peanut butter on her pancakes. How the hell did that come about? Grandma made the worst pancakes in the world, always burned. Grandpa taught her if you smothered them in peanut butter you could get through them. Grandma must have thought they were all crazy for loving her burnt pancakes, but nobody thought to tell her all those years.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

I Really Like it when Scarlett Talks During Sex. Stories about the Set, Lists of Groceries for Me to Pick up at the Store, Things for Me to Do around the House when She is Gone, Where to Put My Thumb: the Sex is Great. There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

Pogo said...

Keep talking, but about three feet south.

Location, location, location.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

I Really Like it when Scarlett Talks During Sex. Sometimes she remembers to Ask me about My Day. Did I Mail the Bills? Did I Vacuum the Inside of the Car Like She Asked? She is Thoughtful That Way. There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

cubanbob said...

It sounds like a scene from the movie Network. The guy ought to know that there are topics of conversation that are inappropriate in some contexts. He should either shut-up or talk dirty to her.

edutcher said...

Why did he wait a year? I can only assume she's that boring.

And fuck talking is about what's for supper?

Or somebody's album?

Jason (the commenter) said...

For goodness sake, just buy him a ball gag.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

I Really Like it when Scarlett Talks During Sex. Sometimes she Calls Me by Pet names, Like "Clooney" or "Pitt" or "Penn." Sometimes she Calls Them Out, Loudly. "Pitt--Pitt--Pitt--Pitt! Clooooooneyyyy!" There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

David said...

You don't say?

Rhythm and Balls said...

"But she's being unfair to him, while he is trying to please her, continuing with the thing that she's pretending to like."

I'm shocked. Women never do that!

Good post, though. I liked this part:

"And all she's really thinking is: When will this be over? And by "over" all she even means is: When will my body do that orgasm thing in spite of this guy?"

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Scarlett and I Like Role Playing in Our Sex Life. She even Had One of the Movie Special Effects Guys Design a Johnny Depp Mask especially For Me. See: Thoughtful. There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

Paul said...

She needs to just tell him, when he rants, to go away and beat it.

Gary Rosen said...

Actually *during* sex?? You mean while he's inside her humping trying to nut he's talking about bad second albums? He's gayer than Truman Capote.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Sometimes the Johnny Depp Mask becomes Sweaty and Uncomfortable but I Wear It, anyway, For Her: I believe She Would Do the Same for Me if I Asked. But I Have No Need to Ask: I am Just Happy to be Below Her. There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

Rumpletweezer said...

If you've ever wondered what it was like to have sex with someone who has ADHD, this is it. You're in the middle of sex and she starts talking about picking up the dry cleaning when you're done, or how she's got a presentation tomorrow at work and the program on her laptop keeps freezing up. But then again, you are having sex, aren't you? And that's never really bad, is it?

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Sometimes when we Have Sex Scarlett will Ask Me To Talk Dirty. So I say things like "Brad Pitt Thinks You Are His Dirty Little Girl" and "George Clooney Wants It Bad, Baby - Real Bad." There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

cubanbob said...

Gary I don't believe that Capote talked that way while humping so the guy in question is way crazier than Capote.
As for sex talk I think the lady in question would much rather prefer to listen to Betamax3000 doing his riff while engaging in sexual congress.

Krumhorn said...

I agree, he shouldn't be talking out loud. I replay Yankees-Boston games (silently). THAT'S the key to legendary endurance. About the time that Clemens beans Piazza and throws a broken bat at him, I nut. Hard.

Oh wait! Wrong game. It's ok to tell you I'm thinking about nailing Youkilis during sex when I'm actually thinking of someone else, isn't it?

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

I Believe Sex brings Scarlett and I Closer Together. At those Times We Are As Close as Can be, with only a Johnny Depp Mask or a Rubber Suit Between Us. Scarlett told me She Likes Me in a Rubber Suit with a Zipper Mouth. I Do It To Show that I Care for Her Needs: my Comfort is Unimportant in This Context.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

Gary Rosen said...

"Back off, lady, and let somebody who appreciates fuck talking have him."

Oooh, AA is a bad dude! Uh, I mean ...

Tim said...

Rumpletweezer said...

"If you've ever wondered what it was like to have sex with someone who has ADHD, this is it. You're in the middle of sex and she starts talking about picking up the dry cleaning when you're done, or how she's..."

Ok.

Here's how you fix that.

Put her on her knees.

Face down.

Preferably, in a pillow.

Ass up.

Knees apart.

Lean In, as they say.

Get busy.

While she talks to the pillow.

And, if you aren't in love, start searching for a new play mate.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Sometimes Scarlett asks me to Stay in the Rubber Suit with the Zipper Mouth even When We Are Not Having Sex. Like at Breakfast, for Instance. I Love it When She Unzips my Mouth and Gives Me a Straw with Which to Drink My Orange Juice. Again: She is Thoughtful.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

rhhardin said...

Woody Allen

I get my date back to her apartment, and the two of us are alone, and we're going pretty good. I have to explain this very delicately, 'cause it's really tentative. As I... as I am an inordinately...passionate...man. Volatile. Sensual. In general a stud. When making love...when making love...in an effort...to prolong...the moment of ecstacy...I think of baseball players. All right, now you know. The two of us are making love violently, she's digging it, I figure I better start thinking of ballplayers quickly. So I figure it's one out, the ninth, the Giants are up. Mays lines a single to right, he takes second on a wild pitch. Now she is digging her nails into my neck. I decided to pinch-hit for McCovey. Alou pops out. Haller singles, Mays holds third. Now I got a first-and-third situation. Two out, the Giants are behind one run. I don't know whether to squeeze or steal. She's been in the shower for ten minutes, already. This is too...I can't tell you anymore, this is too personal. The Giants won.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Sometimes Scarlett will Call Me From the Set to Check That I am Still in the Rubber Suit with the Zipper Mouth. Even though the Zipper is Closed I can Tell She Understands I am saying "Yes", no Matter how Muffled. Sometimes I Think She Has Me on Speakerphone, but that Is Probably Because She Has Her Hands full with Her Script.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

It must be a Funny Movie that Scarlett is Working On, Because Sometimes I Hear Laughing in The Background. Woody Allen Had Told Her that She Had Great Comedic Timing -- She Has Told Me This Many Times --and I Agree.

I Can't Wait to See The Movie and Laugh Along.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

William said...

It is interesting to note that Michael Douglas blames his throat cancer on oral sex. So, on the plus side, this is a safe form of oral sex.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

When I am Performing Oral Sex on Scarlett while in the Rubber Suit with the Zipper Mouth I am VERY Careful about the Zipper Teeth. This is Because I Care, Deeply.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Scarlett Told Me That Someday She May Not Require Me to Go into the Bathroom when I Approach Orgasm. That Will Be a Special Day, Indeed.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

If he starts talking about what he wants for dinner, why don' you just go ahead start rattling off the grocery list and plan some side dishes?

:-D

Surfed said...

My solution? Duct tape and a riding crop to add emphasis to your wishes.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

We are having lemon and basil marinated grilled Cornish Hens with a brown rice vegetable pilaf for dinner. Heart of Romain salad. Accompanied by a nice bottle of Pinot Gris that we obtained in a winery in Oregon. I think strawberries for dessert.

I planned this BEFORE sex however, so we didn't need to talk about it.

betamax3000 said...

Sometimes the Roll (Role?) Takes on a Life of Its Own.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Scarlett Thoughfully Keeps the Bathroom Well-Stocked With Kleenex and Bleach for when I reach Orgasm. I would Never Disrespect Her By Leaving Any Mess: after Orgasm I Clean the Bathroom Thoroughly.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

ricpic said...

He's gayer than Truman Capote.

Truman Capote to his, er...partner: I'll do it to you like your Norman Mailer, then you do it to me like your Gore Vidal.

Lem said...

Michael Douglas says he got cancer via oral sex.

I cant help think there is a connection but... its not coming to me right now.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Scarlett Periodically Checks My Computer History to Make Sure That I haven't Been Looking at Any Jessica Alba Pictures. I Would Never Do That; still, it is Just One of Those Endearing Quirks that I Love About Her.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Sometimes During Sex Scarlett will Ask Me to Name All Of The Titles of All Of The Movies that She Has Appeared In. I Am Very Well-Prepared for This, Which Pleases Her. I Love to Give Scarlett Pleasure.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

rhhardin said...

We are having lemon and basil marinated grilled Cornish Hens with a brown rice vegetable pilaf for dinner. Heart of Romain salad. Accompanied by a nice bottle of Pinot Gris that we obtained in a winery in Oregon. I think strawberries for dessert.

The dog and I just enjoyed streamed brown rice and baby carrots.

The vegetable changes every day, the rice is constant. She'll eat anything but brussels sprouts.

Sometimes Tyson precooked chicken cuts are added for pre-meal excitement.

After feasting on this, she goes to her free-fed Purina One doogfood tower for dessert.

Then it's time for a long dog nap.

Dogs, like Wittgenstein, like predictability.

Asked by the faculty club lady when he wanted for lunch, Wittgenstein said he didn't care so long as it's the same thing every day.

Aridog said...

Mark O said...

Or, the story could be simply made up.

Thread winner!

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Sometimes During Sex Scarlett will say the Name of Jessica Alba: I immediately Pull Away and Stand at the Foot of the Bed in My Rubber Suit, Shaking My Head. Then She Will Say, "Good Boy. Now Come Back, Brad." This is One of the many Fun Games We Play with Each Other.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Sometimes During Sex Scarlett will Strap on The Difference, then Bang Me from Behind while calling me "Dirty Little Slut Jessica" and "Take It, Alba Bitch." I Do Not Like this Game as Much as Scarlett, but the Key to a Strong Relationship Like Ours is Accommodating Each Other's Needs.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

The vegetable changes every day, the rice is constant. She'll eat anything but brussels sprouts

Smart dog. Brussels sprouts suck.

Brown rice is good for you. Medium grain brown rice partly steamed in the cooker. Saute fresh leeks from the garden and garlic until tender in a mix of butter and olive oil. Stir in some chopped broccoli florets, diced red bell pepper and spices (salt, pepper, a few red pepper flakes, herbs that you like). Add back the halfway steamed brown rice and saute a bit until the rice is covered in butter and oil....yum. Stir in some hot chicken stock. Cover and simmer on low. Check occasionally to see if the stock is absorbed and the rice is tender enough. If not add more stock.

Vegetables change often.

Not great pillow talk, but it does turn on the Dumbplumber at other times :-)

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

I Have Asked Scarlett if we Could Perhaps, Maybe, get a Smaller, Thinner Strap-On But She says that Would Mean she Couldn't Punish Jessica Alba as Much in Her Fantasy. I Understand: I am Accommodating AND Understanding. And I am also Glad We Don't Play Very Often the Game Where I am Brad Pitt in that Scenario: that One Seems to Me to be a Little Weird. Of course, I would Not tell Scarlett that: I am not Judgmental.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

Bender said...

She needs to tell him to wrap it up.

bagoh20 said...

The guy simply needs a sex change. He's got the wrong chromosomes. Men don't do this; we concentrate on one thing at a time.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

On the Plus Side, in the Brad Pitt Scenario Scarlett is a Lot Less Rammy than with Jessica Alba: when she says "Take it Brad, Take it Deep" she says this With an Obvious Tenderness in Her Voice. I appreciate Scarlett's Tenderness.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

Michael Haz said...

He needs a deaf girlfriend. She needs a mute boyfriend. These things are easily found on Craigslist.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Another Example of Scarlett's Tenderness: she Bought an Easy-to-Clean Tarp for When We Play These Games. I can Clean Up the Room in Less Than An Hour.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Sometimes Scarlett has me Dress in a Little French Maid's Outfit when I Do This Cleaning. Her Ensuing Giggling makes Me Happy to Oblige.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

Lem said...

Incomplete List of Talking Heads.

"Love → Building on Fire"
"Uh-Oh, Love Comes to Town"
"Psycho Killer"
"Pulled Up"
"Take Me to the River"
"Life During Wartime"
"Crosseyed and Painless"
"Once in a Lifetime"
"Burning Down the House" (Speaking in Tongues Album)
"This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)"
"Slippery People" (live) (Stop Making Sense Album)
"Girlfriend Is Better" (live)
"The Lady Don't Mind"
"Road to Nowhere"
"And She Was"
"Once in a Lifetime" (live)
"This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)" (live)
"Wild Wild Life"
"Love for Sale"
"Hey Now"
"Puzzlin' Evidence"
"Radio Head"
“Blind"
"(Nothing But) Flowers"
"Sax and Violins"
"Lifetime Piling Up"

Its freaking uncanny.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

Sometimes Scarlett has me Dress with the Little French Maid's Outfit over the Rubber Suit with the Zipper Mouth. She then Takes Pictures. She is a Really Good Photographer: I Encourage Her In All of Her Artistic Pursuits.

And the Resulting Photographs are Very Tasteful.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

Saint Croix said...

in an effort...to prolong...the moment of ecstacy...I think of baseball players.

That was my thought, that maybe he's trying to prolong sex so that she will have an orgasm.

Which just makes this funnier...

Do you know how hard it is to climax while listening to someone talk...

He's trying to avoid an orgasm so she'll have one and she's desperate to have an orgasm so he'll stop trying to give her one.

Dude!

Saint Croix said...

The Dave Matthews Band had an awesome 2nd album, by the way. Still my favorite.

Or he may need to arouse himself with an anger response in order to summon sexual energy (the best eroticism is accompanied by a little aggression).

So slap him while you sing the lyrics to "Crash Into Me."

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

I Once Had a Friend tell Me that the Way Scarlett treats me Is Humiliating. Scarlett told me I should Never Talk to this Person Again, and She was Right. He Did Not Understand: Humiliation Could Only Happen If I didn't Trust Her, and I Trust her Fully and Completely.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

Jason (the commenter) said...

bagho20: The guy simply needs a sex change. He's got the wrong chromosomes. Men don't do this; we concentrate on one thing at a time.

Maybe that's the point and he's trying to last longer.

betamax3000 said...

Scarlett Johansson Boyfriend Robot says:

If Scarlett was a Lesbian I would Consider a Sex Change: her Happiness is THAT Important to Me.

There is No Reason for Her to Leave Me.

bagoh20 said...

"Maybe that's the point and he's trying to last longer."

And her complaint is that it's working on both of them.

I've learned that while women can effectively talk and work at the same time, men can't. He needs to shut up and get to work.

Paco Wové said...

The problem is he's doing it out loud. He needs to have his monologue in his head (the bigger one) only.

William R. Hamblen said...

This is like the opposite of the start of Tristram Shandy:

"I wish either my father or my mother, or indeed both of them, as they were in duty both equally bound to it, had minded what they were about when they begot me ...

Pray my Dear, quoth my mother, have you not forgot to wind up the
clock?--Good G..! cried my father, making an exclamation, but taking
care to moderate his voice at the same time,--Did ever woman, since the
creation of the world, interrupt a man with such a silly question? Pray,
what was your father saying?--Nothing."

William R. Hamblen said...

This is like the opposite of the start of Tristram Shandy:

"I wish either my father or my mother, or indeed both of them, as they were in duty both equally bound to it, had minded what they were about when they begot me ...

Pray my Dear, quoth my mother, have you not forgot to wind up the
clock?--Good G..! cried my father, making an exclamation, but taking
care to moderate his voice at the same time,--Did ever woman, since the
creation of the world, interrupt a man with such a silly question? Pray,
what was your father saying?--Nothing."

rhhardin said...

Brown rice is good for you. Medium grain brown rice partly steamed in the cooker. Saute fresh leeks from the garden and garlic until tender in a mix of butter and olive oil. Stir in some chopped broccoli florets, diced red bell pepper and spices (salt, pepper, a few red pepper flakes, herbs that you like). Add back the halfway steamed brown rice and saute a bit until the rice is covered in butter and oil....yum. Stir in some hot chicken stock. Cover and simmer on low. Check occasionally to see if the stock is absorbed and the rice is tender enough. If not add more stock.

I just add garlic powder, pepper, orageno, butter, salsa and eat.

I don't have all day.

The dog doesn't get the addidions.

James Pawlak said...

Think about the increase in juvenile asthma, COPD, allergies evident in recent years VS. my mother's position that a child who did not eat a "bushel" of dirt by the time they were ten-years would be a sickly child.

pj (lowercase) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ken in sc said...

Sounds like an updated version of O. Henry's Gift of the Magi.

Joe said...

This was DURING sex. DURING sex, it's time to shut up and fuck.

Freeman Hunt said...

Why doesn't she just put her finger to his lips? No awkward conversation about his talking, no ruination of mood. Problem solved.

kentuckyliz said...

Conversation engages the rational mind in the moment when one is trying to be primitive. The best "conversation" during sex is a grunt. Or, at most, monosyllabic guttural Germanic profane words.

kentuckyliz said...

She should tell him what I tell an overly chatty colleague:

Bottom line this for me