April 30, 2013

"Imagine you're in the oven, baking."

"Some of us know and accept our sexuality right away and some need more time to cook. I should know — I baked for 33 years."

Just catching up on the metaphors in the Jason Collins "coming out" piece in Sports Illustrated that everyone was talking about yesterday. I found this story boring, but somehow the comments on my post on the subject heated up — like you were in the oven, baking — and they're up to 788 comments. What's going on in there? In my book, a 34-year-old gay guy that has gone to a lot of trouble to stay in the closet — or the oven — in this day and age is hardly a courageous hero. Yes, he's in a major American team sport, but he's at the very end of his career, and who'd heard of him before? I see nothing but a career boost for this guy. What is the big deal? Someone left the cake in the oven for 33 years, and I don't think that I can take it, 'cause it took so long to bake it, and you were about to retire from basketball anyway, oh noooooo! O-oh nooooooo!



That cake metaphor came at the end of a paragraph that began:
The first relative I came out to was my aunt Teri, a superior court judge in San Francisco. Her reaction surprised me. "I've known you were gay for years," she said. From that moment on I was comfortable in my own skin. In her presence I ignored my censor button for the first time. She gave me support. The relief I felt was a sweet release. 
Sweet release with your aunt? Having ignored your censor button — for the first time? really? — you might want to find your editor button. I love that the aunt was all "I've known you were gay for years." The first person he came out to found his announcement boring. I'm with Aunt Teri. It's boring. This cake was baked long ago. I recall the yellow polyester shorts/Foaming like a wave/On the ground around your knees/The birds like tender babies in your hands/And the old men playing checkers, by the trees....

116 comments:

Æthelflæd said...

Why do I keep thinking about the Easy Bake Oven that I got for Christmas when I was a kid?

Pogo said...

Some commenters were baked, that's certain.

Surfed said...

Jimmy Webb!

MadisonMan said...

Thank you very much for not linking to the performance from last Wednesday.

The cynic in me also finds his announcement simply a way to extend his relevancy.

Palladian said...

That huge comment thread was like an Easy Bake Oven with a compact fluorescent light bulb.

Pogo said...

The prolonged FUs near the close were pretty funny, especially Icepick, Palladian, and bagoh.

JHapp said...

Have any straights come out?

Palladian said...

Too much sweet release results in the "Twinkie Defense".

Palladian said...

JHapp said... Have any straights come out?

Constantly. You bitches are always shoving your lifestyle in people's faces.

betamax3000 said...

I just posted this in the end of the last thread not realizing this thread had opened. Point Four stands.

"I just finished reading this entire thread. I am picturing a scene from some eighties teen movie where -- in the aftermath -- the place is wrecked and there is a half-eaten pizza spinning on the phonograph.

Thoughts:

1. I bet a slice of that pizza would still be OK.

2. It is now too early (too late?) to hit the Vodka and Candy Cigarettes but I feel like I need a drink now.

3. I hope another mid-level male basketball player comes out as gay today so we can start this thread's sequel.

4. Ann could play the Tricky Devil and post a companion story of a lesbian WNBA player: compare and contrast."

Replace the pizza with an Easy-Bake Oven cake now, of course.


Surfed said...

Jimmy Webb & Lucinda Williams version of "Galveston" is transcendent.

damikesc said...

Basically, Jason Collins is John Koncak with worse stats.

Let that sink in. Koncak was the worst NBA player I'd ever seen --- and he was BETTER than Collins.

Matthew Sablan said...

... more than 700 posts? That's half-baked.

Matthew Sablan said...

Comments, posts. Whatever.

traditionalguy said...

OK. Keeping secrets is a hard way of life and telling your secrets takes away their power over you.

But hostility of the former coming out secret keepers towards the 99% who really don't care that much either way is intriguing.

Chip S. said...

Read any megathread and you'll find Inga, the farce multiplier.

Pogo said...

MacArthur Park came out in 1968. I don't mean it was gay. NTTAWWT.

I was 7 and loved the damn thing; my oldest sister played it over and over.

It's loopy camp, but I still like it, mostly because I was seven when first I loved it, so, irrationally and naïvely, and therefore embarrassed and don't own it but will listen if it arrives unbidden.


SteveR said...

Yes its boring, there's nothing new about it except for the media, which is very boring.

Mitchell the Bat said...

Richard Harris called booze the creature.

betamax3000 said...

I remember my older sister playing the Donna Summer version of "McArthur Park" back a few decades. I never understood why someone would leave a cake in the rain. I liked cake. It didn't make sense.

Palladian said...

I've mentioned this before, but I've assembled a collection of over 70 different performances of "MacArthur Park". I did this because I decided that it is the worst song ever written.

MayBee said...

I think it's great that he came out, but the number of people who took to the Internet to praise him for it is pretty hilarious.

What would happen if you weren't seen praising Jason Collins?

Palladian said...

Imagine you're in the oven, baking.
It's easy if you try

betamax3000 said...

Shaq: it is now time, big fella.

You can blame poor free-throw shooting on inner repression. You could express your true feelings by dunking. It showed.

David said...

"Constantly. You bitches are always shoving your lifestyle in people's faces."

Block that metaphor! Censor? Editor? Help!

Very funny, Palladian!

SteveR said...

Yes its boring, there's nothing new about it except for the media, which is very boring.

David said...

Somewhere Wilt Chamberlin is laughing.

betamax3000 said...

Re:
Palladian said...

I've mentioned this before, but I've assembled a collection of over 70 different performances of "MacArthur Park". I did this because I decided that it is the worst song ever written."

I place "Imagine" on the top of that list.

Imagine no John Lennon: it's easy if you try
No Yoko Ono either;
above us no Flaming Pie.

Lyssa said...

788 comments! Good heavens. Without looking, I'm going to guess that Ritmo was responsible for at least 450 of them.

SteveR said...

damikesc is right, he's not very good and its hard to imagine how he's stayed around so long. For the last five or so years he's averaged more fouls per game than points. 15 minutes

ndspinelli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pogo said...

Palladian, I have a CD of the worst performances of Stairway to Heaven.
Funny as hell.

ndspinelli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bagoh20 said...

That mega-thread last night had little to do with this story. It was more like Mom and Dad went bowling and we called some friends over. My parents Friday night bowling league was a fantastic boon to my young development. Maybe some of us should go back over there and clean up the mess.

Pogo said...

Cannot listen to Imagine anymore.

"There's too much of it — it's like pieces of glass in my head, all the time."

Æthelflæd said...

Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman" was the worst song ever written.

Palladian said...

Cream tangerine and montelimar,
A ginger sling with a pineapple heart,
A coffee dessert, yes you know it’s good news,
But you’ll have to have them all pulled out after the savoy truffle.

Cool cherry cream and nice apple tart,
I feel your taste all the time we’re apart,
Coconut fudge really blows down those blues,
But you’ll have to have them all pulled out after the savoy truffle.

You might not feel it now
But when the pain cuts through you’re going to know, and how.
The sweat is gonna fill your head,
When it becomes too much you’ll shout aloud,
But you’ll have to have them all pulled out after the savoy truffle.

Know that what you eat you are,
But what is sweet now turns so sour.
We all know ob-la-di-bla-da,
But can you show me where you are?

Palladian said...

Palladian, I have a CD of the worst performances of Stairway to Heaven.
Funny as hell.


I hope Tiny Tim isn't on it. That one's great!

SteveR said...

I'm going to guess that Ritmo was responsible for at least 450 of them.

Pretty close

EMD said...

I don't know how a gay man like that can be so casually anti-semitic.

CEO-MMP said...

Collins isn't courageous in the sense of a guy who goes out and wins the Medal of Honor courageous--but it does take a certain amount of courage to be honest to yourself about yourself. It comes late in life to some--and never for others.

So hero? No. Courageous? Sure, with that qualifier. Decent guy, irregardless? Sure.

Beyond that, who cares?


And LOL @ Ann going on about her thread being over 7xx comments. Like it's about her or her post. It's about Ritmo taking shit over and being a dick. With Inga as the little doggie bouncing around beside him cartoon style.

And as others have said, Palladian was great. He handled the bullshit and insults with a class I know I could never manage to do.

Æthelflæd said...

"With Inga as the little doggie bouncing around beside him cartoon style."

Spike's my friend, 'cause he's so big and strong!

Pogo said...

"Palladian said...
...I've assembled a collection of over 70 different performances of "MacArthur Park".
"

What's the worst one?

bagoh20 said...

You have to appreciate some of these songs for what they do for people like me who occasionally try to write songs. They give confidence by showing that any crap you come up with might just work somehow, and also by letting you know that it's very unlikely that you will write the worst song ever.

I'm pretty bad at it; I can barely play or sing, and my lyrics tend to be a little pedestrian, but even I would have thrown out MacArthur Park and Imagine and pretended they never happened. I suppose it was a different time.

I do think I could have written "I Am Woman".

Larry J said...

Æthelflæd said...
Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman" was the worst song ever written.


It's a contender but not as bad as "Seasons in the Sun" and other monstrocities from the 1970s, the decade of truly bad pop music.

betamax3000 said...

The Voice That Whispers in the Closet says:

Shaq, you can not bind down the urges by IcyHot Wraps forever.

Baron Zemo said...

I thought that 700 comment thread was performance art to prove that blogging is dead?

betamax3000 said...

The Voice That Whispers in the Closet says:

Shaq, do not take Kobe's rejection to Heart: there are other Flowers in Short Pants.

Baron Zemo said...

"Imagine you're in an oven baking" in the form of question please.

"What does Cedarford say to every Jewish person he meets."

Things Commenters say for 200.

Freeman Hunt said...

I remember one of my best friends from high school finally coming out to me and how relieved he was when I told him, "Thank you for telling me. Don't worry though; you don't need to be so nervous. Everybody already knows." Because they did.

I've never known a single male who came out who I didn't already know was gay. (And the sample size there is big.)

Baron Zemo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
betamax3000 said...

The Voice That Whispers in the Closet says:

Shaq, remember when you rapped: "“I got a Phantom the same color as butter/When I ride by ****** be like ‘I can’t believe it’s butter"?

You were Almost There: be Free.

Bender said...

Yes. Boring. Tedious. A big "so what?"

Baron Zemo said...

Did you know that Carmelo Anthony's wife tastes like honey nut Cheerio's?

Just to hetero it up a little.

bagoh20 said...

"He handled the bullshit and insults with a class I know I could never manage to do. "

Agreed, but I bet if that took place in person, Ritmo would have left early in an ambulance. I don't know about Ritmo, but Palladian is not a little guy, physically or mentally, and when you know that, the comments just came off like a Chihuahua barking at a Rottweiler. I thought it was hilarious, and Ritmo took a beating he deserved.

Palladian said...

(And the sample size there is big.)

Ooh, really now?

betamax3000 said...

The Voice That Whispers in the Closet says:

Shaq, remember when you rapped:

"I got a hand that’ll rock ya cradle/Cream you like cheese, spread you on my bagel”

WE know about your bagel. Let the World know the Secrets of Your Bagel.

betamax3000 said...

The Voice That Whispers in the Closet says:

Shaq, remember when you rapped:

“In other words you better make a funky decision/Because I’ma be a Shaq knife and cut you with precision”

Let the World know of your Funky Decision, Shaq: let the World Know.

betamax3000 said...

The Voice That Whispers in the Closet says:

Shaq, remember when you rapped:

“No matter what I do, the billy it’s gone flourish/Big just like a bus full of Japanese tourists"

Shaq: let your billy flourish in Freedom. You can perform the "Japanese Tour Bus" on whomever you'd like.

bagoh20 said...

I'm rarely surprised by men who come out since Rock Hudson, but women surprise me all the time. My stepdaughter came out at about 20, but it was never really in question. I wonder if I had anything to do with that. I raised her like a boy, but she seem to gravitate to it, so I just ran with what she liked. I love her, and I really can't image her being straight; it just doesn't fit her.

Lem said...

Nice twist Althouse.

Titus was MIA apparently.

AWOL

edutcher said...

First we're supposed to believe a black guy in the hip pocket of the Kennedys and Willie telling the world he's queer is brave.

Now we're supposed to believe he's baked 33 years waiting to jump some male-miss like Titus?

Lyssa said...

788 comments! Good heavens. Without looking, I'm going to guess that Ritmo was responsible for at least 450 of them.

And phx had another 300.

betamax3000 said...

The Voice That Whispers in the Closet says:

Shaq, there is Nothing Wrong with performing the Act of the "Japanese Tour Bus" on fellow consenting adult fellows.

betamax3000 said...

The Voice That Whispers in the Closet says:

Shaq, the Act of the "Japanese Tour Bus" will Set You Free. You will be among other "Japanese Tour Bus" Friends.

Ride the Bus, Shaq: Ride the Bus.

betamax3000 said...

The Voice That Whispers in the Closet says:

Shaq, you can be the Driver on the "Japanese Tour Bus" or you can be one of the Passengers. It is Your Choice. That is what Freedom Is.

Commuter said...

It was indeed an illuminating thread last night. Kudos to Palladian for not allowing the concern trolling Inga or the fraud Ritmo to get under his skin.

I've only been reading this site for a month or two. The first post subject I followed over from an Instapundit link also turned into a Ritmo/Inga dominated megathread. It was an abortion thread if I recall correctly. As I started through the thread I thought at first that Inga was a blog administrator/moderator. It wasn't until Ritmo showed up that I picked up on the fact that she was just an officious fawning busybody asshole.

Palladian said...

What's the worst one?

Hmm... There's a Filipina hip-hop one that's pretty awful. There's a punk one that's rotten too. There's one by a novelty group called The Templeton Twins, done in 1920s style, that needs to be heard to be believed.

But those are at least interesting in their approaches. The actual worst ones are the boring, interminable, high-calorie-arrangement, string-heavy, easy-listening versions, like 1001 Strings or Ferrante and Teicher.

Matt said...

John Lennon's Imagine is one of the worst songs ever. When I was younger, I liked it a lot but then comes the day when you really listen to the lyrics and give them some thought... Holy crap is it a brain dead song!

Freeman Hunt said...
I remember one of my best friends from high school finally coming out to me and how relieved he was when I told him, "Thank you for telling me. Don't worry though; you don't need to be so nervous. Everybody already knows." Because they did.

I've never known a single male who came out who I didn't already know was gay. (And the sample size there is big.)

4/30/13, 9:32 AM

I have a similar memory. Years after high school, I heard that a classmate had come out of the closet. My thought was, "Well, he was the last one to know!"

doustoi said...

His Aunt Teri has known for years, but his identical twin brother never knew? Something's not right.

Æthelflæd said...

After Inga drains the last drops from the bottle, she frequently declares, "Never address me again!" It is her swan song, a dramatic flourish that she employs to great effect in her own mind.

Æthelflæd said...

Palladian said...
"What's the worst one?

Hmm... There's a Filipina hip-hop one that's pretty awful".

You are trying to lure Shouting Thomas back, aren't you?

Æthelflæd said...

Baron Zemo said...
"'Imagine you're in an oven baking' in the form of question please.

"What does Cedarford say to every Jewish person he meets."

Things Commenters say for 200."

Dang, that was good!

edutcher said...

doustoi said...

His Aunt Teri has known for years, but his identical twin brother never knew? Something's not right.

He told us that yesterday.

doustoi said...

His Aunt Teri has known for years, but his identical twin brother never knew? Something's not right.

Lem said...

After Inga drains the last drops from the bottle, she frequently declares, "Never address me again!" It is her swan song, a dramatic flourish that she employs to great effect in her own mind.

She's erratic but sincere.

Rocketeer said...

I've mentioned this before, but I've assembled a collection of over 70 different performances of "MacArthur Park". I did this because I decided that it is the worst song ever written.

I can see it now: the Palladian Auditory Wing of the Museum of Bad Art.

pigpaws said...

Instead of posting something so boring, why not post a lesbian talking about their real intentions with gay marriage.

-Gay marriage is a lie.
-Fighting for gay marriage generally involves lying about what we’re going to do with marriage when we get there.
-It’s a no-brainer that the institution of marriage should not exist.
-redefine trad. family

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=n9M0xcs2Vw4#!

rcommal said...

Re: '70s pop

That Starland Vocal Band won a couple of Grammy Awards in the mid-'70s pretty much sums up the state of things. "Afternoon Delight"--now, there's a gawdawful earworm fir you.

Icepick said...

The prolonged FUs near the close were pretty funny, especially Icepick, Palladian, and bagoh.

Thank you very much, Pogo, and fuck you too.

XOXO

Icepick said...

Have any straights come out?

Mike Piazza is scheduling a new press conference to reiterate that he came out straight years ago.

Jupiter said...

It might not be so boring if you had been showering with him for the last few years.

Pogo said...

@Icepick

Now I feel whole again.

rcommal said...

"Billy, Don't Be a Hero" is also worse than "MacArthur Park."

Icepick said...

I hope another mid-level male basketball player comes out as gay today so we can start this thread's sequel.

Jason Collins isn't mid-level NBA talent. He's Greg Kite level talent. He's had a long and lucrative career (as did Greg Kite, though I'm sure Kite made much less it would have still been a goodly amount) because he's seven feet tall. You can't teach height, and it's still THE premiere attribute for a basketball player.

SteveR said...

Thanks rcommal, now I have to go find a cliff

Icepick said...

We were already casting the movie last night. If we play famous people, I get to be Uncle Miltie. If we get famous people to play us, I called dibs on Adam West's voice (if it's animated) or Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Truman Capote if it's live action. (I like to be confusing.)

Icepick said...

Oh, there are great depths below John Freakin' Koncak. Get back to me when you get to the Mark Acres level.

Icepick said...

And it is very easy to imagine how he has been around this long: seven feet tall, and six fouls a game. Still a reasonably valuable commodity, though with his age he's becoming less valuable.

FedkaTheConvict said...

Is Jason Collins celibate? How is it in the entire news tsunami yesterday there is no mention of a partner of any kind? One would think he would have seized the moment to demonstrate a loving same-sex relationship.

Chip S. said...

MacArthur Park is actually a very nice park.

Icepick said...

That Starland Vocal Band won a couple of Grammy Awards in the mid-'70s pretty much sums up the state of things. "Afternoon Delight"--now, there's a gawdawful earworm fir you.

I linked up "Afternoon Delight" last night, in response to being told to go fuck myself.

Also, I'm pretty sure that I'm not only the first person to bring up Greg Kite on this blog, but also the first one to mention prolapsed sphincters. Yeah, baby! FTW!

It was a good night for insomnia....

Marshal said...

Lem said...
She's erratic but sincere.


Her giddiness at the opportunity to join Ritmo in his hate campaign proves this wrong. She's here to express her hate for conservatives, just like Ritmo, phx, Jack Diamond, and others. That's why she's constantly baiting the ridiculous and the immature commenters, to give her a target.

EMD said...

Oh, there are great depths below John Freakin' Koncak. Get back to me when you get to the Mark Acres level.

Wow. Mark Acres. Nice.

Matt said...

When Inga says shit like this...

Inga said...
Matt, now I know you are lying, it's a term to describe diabetes, it is in no way offensive. How can you use your sick child like that? THAT my dear man is offensive, you need help for your obsessive problem.

4/30/13, 10:54 AM

...she can fucking die in a fire.

Pastafarian said...

Althouse: "...they're up to 788 comments. What's going on in there?"

Some of the commenters held an intervention-slash-exorcism for Ritzy Brassiere. Much projectile vomiting ensued.

That, and Inga/whatever had a nasty case of the shits, and went from room to room fouling the carpets and furniture. It's not pretty in there.

mccullough said...

When is Tebow coming out?

Matt said...

Oh, Inga is still at it. She is saying nasty shit in reference to my diabetic daughter.

Matt said...

mccullough said...
When is Tebow coming out?

4/30/13, 11:36 AM

See, THAT would have been justifiably a national story. "Ultra Christian Tim Tebow comes out of closet and is cut by the Jets on the same day."

mccullough said...

Matt

He would be picked up immediately. Great career move.

Matt said...

LOL. So true. And he would finally be embraced by the Left instead of reviled. Unless, of course, he said he was still Pro-Life. Then he would be their new Palladian.

Sam L. said...

And as I read somewhere yesterday, women sportsfolk have been coming out for years, but now it's a big deal? Only for a 'major' sport? Men's?

Amartel said...

Imagine you're still in the bed, sleeping.

That was a late night.

ampersand said...

Unholy Cow! They're still pig wrestling on the other thread!

Matt said...

ampersand said...
Unholy Cow! They're still pig wrestling on the other thread!

4/30/13, 1:36 PM

I have no tolerance for the Inga's of the world.

Or, I should say, I tried to tolerate her but she is all about hate. It consumes her.

Marty said...

Maybe he should have gotten publicity advise from Martha Stewart.

Amartel said...

Matt - a tenacious effort.
800+ comments later, all's quiet on the Dingbat front.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

"Billy, Don't Be a Hero" is also worse than "MacArthur Park."

Harper Valley PTA is pretty awful.

Amartel said...

Seasons in the Sun
Born to be Alive

Birches said...

Icepick @ 10:26 AM Thread winner.


Now really THAT would be news.

MarkD said...

Does anybody care?

creeley23 said...

The more specifics one knows about Collins the less impressive his coming-out becomes. Here's Powerline today:

...it is easy to imagine that Collins has had a rough time of it in “the closet”. So if “coming out” helps him and/or similarly situated professional athletes, then great.

The disclosure may raise a conundrum next season, though. Collins has very little to offer on the basketball court these days. This season, at age 34, he held down the final roster spot on a poor basketball team — my Washington Wizards. For the season, he averaged 1 point and 1.5 rebounds per game. His shooting percentage was an awful .310.

Old players with numbers like that very seldom make an NBA team the following year. In the normal course of things, Collins’ professional career would almost certainly be over.

But the NBA, or one or more particular team, may want Collins to remain in the League as a testament to its tolerance. Thus, his “coming out” conceivably could prolong his career.

Baron Zemo said...

Listen everybody that ever so him play thought he sucked so what's the big deal?

Baron Zemo said...

And Greg Kite was a decent player compared to JFK.

Baron Zemo said...

That's Joe Fucking Kleine.

Baron Zemo said...

There is along history of dufey white guys who were centers at the end of the bench to whiten it up a little.

The ugliest one was appropriately on a team from Wisconsin.

The one, the only, the incomparble
Paul Molestme!

betamax3000 said...

So: the Japanese Tour Bus/

One Man is in Sexual Congress with Another Man. The Man in the back is the Bus Driver, the man in Front is Passenger Number One.

A minimum of four other participants Vogue as Cherry Trees blossoming outside the Tour Bus Window as it speeds by.

The Bus Driver pushes at the back of the Neck of the Passenger and says "Beep Beep" in an authoritative Tone.

The Passenger snaps Pictures on their Smart Phone at the Human Trees while in Sexual congress.

After trading places they Review the photos without Timidity.

Sake ensues.