July 23, 2012

"[M]ost divorced people identify the same top five regrets...."

Which translates into these 5 points of advice:
Boost your spouse's mood....

Talk more about money....

Get over the past....

Blame the relationship
. The divorced individuals in the study who blamed ex-spouses, or even themselves, had more anxiety, depression and sleep disorders than individuals who blamed the way that they and their partners interacted....

Reveal more about yourself
....

50 comments:

rehajm said...

The best way to stay married: don't get divorced.

MadisonMan said...

Look forward, not back.

jr565 said...

Have a mancave where you can escape the whining.

jr565 said...

Talk more about money....


THis one is a double edged sword for sure. Talk more about money as in "Stop spending the money on crap! We're in hock up to our eyeballs!I want a divorce!" That kind of talk?

Roman said...

My greatest regret is marrying the woman I married.

Jaske said...

Believe her.

Simon Kenton said...

What's the deal with a link that requires subscription to finish reading it?

David said...

I regret the marriage relationship, not the divorce. But I don't regret the kids, so I would not change it. It's a paradox.

ndspinelli said...

Simon Kenton, That's a frequent question when Althouse links to WSJ articles. Maybe she gets a kickback ala Amazon?

FleetUSA said...

We all change as we mature and sometimes we change in opposite directions - hardwired into those positions too.

So to avoid too much disruption you appreciate the common things and ignore the rest.

Ugh

edutcher said...

Get over the past is the real killer.

Titus said...

People who have gotten divorced has ruined the American Family.

tits.

Pogo said...

Gratitude.

Every day, be grateful for your spouse.

This is most important when you feel it not. Over time, you feel it more and more.

Denigration, repeated, breeds contempt. So do not ever mock or criticize your spouse, especially not in front of them, such as at a party. That's destructive as hell.

traditionalguy said...

There is no sure fire secret to staying married , but a practical thought is to find a "safe Person."

There are many mentally messed up folks out there; and the idea that the man or the woman can save one of them by marrying them is the first cause of the coming divorce.

Sharing thoughts and emotional feelings rather that hiding them is the rest of the story. Nobody likes living with a person who is half there because they will not trust their genuine selves to the other.

Oso Negro said...

Remember the good times. They're smaller in number and easier to recall. Don't spend too much time on the bad times. They're staggering in number and will be heavy as lead on your mind.

edutcher said...

Pogo, that's a very good one.

bagoh20 said...

Don't fret about divorce. Just make sure you win the argument.

wyo sis said...

Marry the right person in the first place. Then always remember you married the right person.

Elize Nayden said...

...

6. Not having any ammo or explosives in the house.

Scott said...

"Want great marriage advice? Ask a divorced person."

And fat people know everything about diets.

And bankrupts are experts on money management.

rick said...

The best thing about my first marriage was my 3 children. In spite of the marital breakup, they are all well adjusted, successful adults. Their parents? Not so much, especially their mother.

Bob Ellison said...

When my wife and I got engaged, some told us we were too young. Impetuous. Not ready to be sure we had the right mate. My girlfriend and I discussed this, and decided that we might one day be too old. Indecisive. Not able to adapt to the right mate.

I think she feels the way I do: We were just the right age. Carefully optimistic. Ready and able to build a life together.

madAsHell said...

The wife controls the money, but we make plans together.

I try not to spend too much, she does the opposite.

Bottom line...we make plans together.

wef said...

Standard curmudgeon impatience with women and gamma males talking to themselves about magical things that never were and never will be:

What kills marriage? Romantic idiotic distaff fantasies that insist that marriage is about love.

(Sharia: it's for the kids.)

Michael K said...

I've been divorced twice. No record to be proud of. Both ex-wives are friends and my first wife and I have talked about why we got divorced.

My second wife, even though she has remarried, tells me she is still in love with me. I finally told her, and my son agrees, that what I should have done was lock her in a back bedroom for 10 years. I told her that and she kind of agreed. She had an alcohol and prescription drug problem. She told her present husband that I thought she was crazy. She's stopped drinking.

Regrets ? I could be married to either of them and be satisfied.

Comanche Voter said...

I'll go with dumb luck in selecting the right person to ask to marry me. I knew from the start that I'd have to find someone who was smarter than me(I'm a dreadful intellectual snob in some ways--heckfire maybe I'm as bad as Obama ROTFLOL on that one).

But she had to be smart; she had to be able to stand up to me; she had to be family oriented. Once she hit those three points, the rest was gravy. When I found her it was good--and has been for nearly 50 years. Married above myself as it were.

wyo sis said...

Marrying above yourself is a good idea, but make sure it's not so far above they don't respect you. After 40 years, not always bliss, but always with the absolute knowledge that this was it, there would be no divorce, I admit it's not easy, but it is more than luck. It's commitment and mutual respect.

Ed said...

I had a short lived "practice marriage" with the second one heading toward 30 years. Maybe it's advice on not getting shot from someone who has been, but my advice is still the same; try not to, it leaves its mark. When the day comes, when you find yourself asking what are you doing together (and everybody has that day, I think), try to remember the commitment and promise you made originally. If you can't, and you had achieved some level of intimacy which let you understand it was about more than sex, you'll sometimes wonder whether any relationship is real, or is it all functional posing?

wyo sis said...

Ed
I had that day and everyone I've talked to about it, has. When you get to that day you'd better have something you built together to look at. Something that says this is why we're together and it's worth preserving.

Titus said...

Some female astronaut croaked. She was a dyke, gross.

tits.

William said...

Never try to resolve a domestic dispute with a chainsaw. Whatever brief moment of gratification it brings will be drowned in a lifetime of regret. It's hard to get even joint custody of the kids when that banshee starts waving around her stubby limbs in court.

The Crack Emcee said...

"[M]ost divorced people identify the same top five regrets...."

I didn't say "shut-the-fuck-up" enough,...

Bender said...

Re: marrying the "right person"

Guaranteed to crash and burn.

There is no "right" person. And even if there were, that would not mean that you are the "right" person for him or her.

Every person eventually becomes wrong, or at least less than right. Everyone will disappoint, everyone will eventually lose all attractiveness. He or she will become old, fat, lazy, boring, stupid, disagreeable, wrinkly, droopy, and hair growing out of all the wrong places; in short, you will eventually find that "right" person to be thoroughly disgusting.

And then, because of this completely false and unrealistic idea of "the right person," disillusionment sets in, and you break up and go off seeking the next "right" person.

The answer is not to marry the right person. The answer is to realize that the right person is the one you have married. Period.

That is what real love is. Making a gift of self and seeking the good for the other regardless of those things that do not and cannot last. Or, in the words of that 70s song, if you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with.

Eric said...

The best way to stay married: don't get divorced.

The best way to avoid divorce: don't get married.

Eric said...

The answer is not to marry the right person. The answer is to realize that the right person is the one you have married. Period.

Within reasonable bounds, sure. I know a guy whose wife stabbed him in the back when he was asleep. Hard to argue the case for staying in that marriage.

wyo sis said...

Bender
Same philosophy different way to say it.

james henderson said...

Our top sellers this year include oakley sunglasses cheap and ray ban wayfarer on sale. Welcome to our best store buy in www.sunglassesshop-buy.com.

Deb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rcommal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rcommal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dave said...

It happens to be our anniversary today. My advice is based on trust , marry someone who you know is solid, dependable and stable. Also check out their parents relationship and how she looks at her father. If those relationships are healthy you have a good foundation. You still need to work at it though. Nothing is automatic, you have to be willing to adapt to please. Lot's of good advice up thread

rcommal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Astro said...

One spouse needs to be the captain of the ship.

The other needs to be the admiral.

Craig said...

When I first met my wife she had just spent three years in Mississippi with the U.S. Public Health Service on Highway 61. She's from west of Milwaukee, about forty miles south of the homestead where my immigrant great great grandparents settled in 1856.

My great great grandfather died in the Civil War in 1865. His widow remarried two years after the war to her next door neighbor, whose first wife died giving birth in 1863. The federal government withheld her widow's pension and support for four dependent children until she remarried, ruling that her first marriage in Prussia couldn't be validated, despite two sworn witnesses, both veterans, a brother and a brother-in-law, who had attended her Prussian wedding.

The church where she was remarried wasn't built until six years after her second marriage. Her first husband appears to have participated in recruiting the pastor who conducted the ceremony. It's a fieldstone church that is still standing and still in use. I suspect that her teenaged sons participated in collecting the stones that were used to build the church and learned the construction trade by taking part in its construction.

My great great grandfather's unit was the 27th Wisconsin, which first saw the elephant in 1863 at Snyder's Bluff on the Yazoo River as part of the Siege of Vicksburg, along Highway 61. My wife and I will drink from the silver cup three weeks from today.

Ann Althouse said...

Sorry about the subscription only link.

See if you can get in now. I did it differently but haven't tested it.

ricpic said...

Reveal more about yourself...

As in all the doubts and fears that plague you? Bad policy.

Joe said...

Regret 6 (or actually 0): Marrying someone with borderline personality disorder.

ken in sc said...

Never marry anyone who has less money or more problems than you--no matter how hot they are. I made this mistake twice. I have been married to my third wife 27 years.

Simon Kenton said...

AA:

"See if you can get in now. I did it differently but haven't tested it."

Thanks for addressing this; it works.

It was Garrison Keillor, who has been no slouch at it himself, who identified the contribution that articles with numbered lists make to the idiotizing of the United States.

Tarzan said...

"Put it in the stove," Lincoln said. "That's what I do when I've written a letter when I am angry."

THIS is sage advice. Hard to follow in the Internet age, though, where we pen the firey missive, hit Send and THEN sleep on it.

My mom in law, bless her, gave me one of those letters. I knew it would have a lot of nice things and a lot of angry things. She wrote it after staying with us when our twins were infants. I was out of work and more than willing to care for them myself and didn't always appreciate her point of view.

I never read the letter. After she got on the plane back to Japan I put it in the fire. That letter was for her, and not for me.

Of course now, on her deathbed, she'll ask, "The map I gave you...did you find the gold?" and then expire gracefully.