December 30, 2011

Time Warner's cable guys "assigned to the highest-end 'Signature Home' jobs will be getting a more 'fashion-forward look' soon."

And Verizon's recent ads "highlighted its technicians’ dress shirts"  and "characterize the install as a white glove experience."

That's from a NYT article — promoted top and center on its front webpage — called "Today’s Cable Guy, Upgraded and Better-Dressed." The photo at the link shows a clean-shaven, crewcut cable guy — with white paper booties over his shoes to protect the gleaming hardwood floor — demonstrating how to use the TV to a woman standing by her side. There's a second photo of another cable guy — also in booties. He's the bearded type. This better class of men will come to your house and help you set up the company's elaborate "suite of products."
"My genius husband had the router in the basement," joked the homeowner, Kathleen Hassinger, a 39-year-old mother of three daughters...
Now — it's been obvious to me for quite a while — the New York Times is written for women. But at what point does it actually become... ridiculous...
[Selene Tovar, 35, a stay-at-home mother of three] needed the Internet service at her three-story home in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood to be fast enough to power the family’s six televisions, five Xboxes, several PlayStations and multiple iPads and laptops. Even a new scale — a Hanukkah present from her husband — required a fast connection so it could send daily weigh-ins to an iPhone app.
Note the clueless husband: thinks a scale is a nice gift. Coming to Ms. Tovar's aid was Quirino Madia who "wore a white button-down shirt and gray slacks."

But watch out, affluent ladies of New York, "many cable technicians still wear the standard work clothes and tool belts."

***

And I'm sure it's got nothing to do with anything the New York Times would ever have intended to allude to, but reading that article made me want to Google "cable guy pornography," just to see how prevalent that genre was. I don't know. That's just the direction my mind went. Not that I clicked on any of the links. I didn't. And my Google search only retrieved about 4 million hits, so maybe it's not such a big porn sub-genre. I don't know if the new "fashion-forward look" will heat up the sub-genre or not. Actually, I think not. But I'm no porn connoisseur. I'm more of a Google-search connoisseur. For example, I moved on to the search: "fashion-forward cable guy porn" — 192,000 results — and found "James Franco Porn Documentary: Disappointing Sex Tape Inspires Film," an article in HuffPo (the San Francisco edition). Speaking of disappointing! James Franco does not appear as a fashion-forward cable guy in any porn film. Apparently, one time Franco made a home video with his girlfriend a realized: "Those people in pornos, they are great performers. They're not just doing it, they're selling it to an audience." The guy's a genius!

***

Rereading this post, I suddenly see what the real porn is for the ladies who read the New York Times: "three-story home in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood."

51 comments:

Ron said...

It is ironic that both porn and New York fetishize location, location, location....and, of course, pizza delivery.

"Who ordered the extra sausage?"

Pogo said...

I never knew before who this stuff was written for, before Althouse, with the chip-shot by rhhardin.

Great piece, especially in recognizing the real porn-for-NYT women here.

Not just the great house, but also:
• "white glove experience" for a mundane task
• the "clean-shaven, crewcut cable guy"
• the white paper booties over his shoes
• the gleaming hardwood floor
• pressed slacks and a sporty fleece jacket
• "Signature Home”
• fashion-forward

20 years ago I would read two sentences and then skim and read the last two, never knowing what the hell was the point. Now I get it.

Lyssa said...

Actually, my husband just got a new job as a cable and internet guy (not with Time Warner or Verizon, but with another major company). So, I'd have to agree with this article.

Scott M said...

How many people and what ages would be required to have that many separate pieces of entertainment electronics? And just how vacuous would their family relationships be?

If you put a television, internet access, and a phone in a child's bedroom, IMHO, you're simply asking for trouble that can easily be avoided otherwise.

Ann Althouse said...

Now, you know: when you have 5 people in the family, an appropriate number of TVs is: 6. But only 5 Xboxes. So... what is the location of the TV that doesn't have an Xbox? The wife's bathroom? Where we find the scale that needs an internet connection? Who knows what other high tech devices might serve the lady's bodily needs? A whirlpool bathtub that analyzes her tweets and Facebook updates and calculates what degree of pounding she requires?

Scott M said...

A whirlpool bathtub that analyzes her tweets and Facebook updates and calculates what degree of pounding she requires?

Mah goodness...Ah do buleive Ah'm gettin' the vaypers...

jeff said...

"My genius husband had the router in the basement," joked the homeowner, Kathleen Hassinger, a 39-year-old mother of three daughters..."

how could the genius wife allow this to happen? At my old house, I also had the router in the basement. The cable company signal wasn't strong enough to make it thru a splinter to get it upstairs, and the cable company told me, despite it working fine for 2 years upstairs, that the issue was n my side and I had to place it where the cable entered the house. So into the basement it went, where it worked fine until I moved.

Xmas said...

There's nothing wrong with having the router in the basement if you want to prevent your kids from viewing porn in their bedrooms.

(Man, I wish OpenID was actually working)

jeff said...

Splitter, not splinter.

Scott M said...

SPLITTERS!

Patrick said...

"And my Google search only retrieved about 4 million hits,"

What is this world coming to when you 'only' get 4 million videos for cable buy porn? The terrorists are winning.

Rick Lee said...

Back in the mid 70s, (I was in college) Orkin (pest control) used to run this commercial with a good looking guy standing next to his Orkin car talking about how all you had to do was pick up the phone and... "I'll be right over". I never thought anything about it until a gay friend pointed out that this was porn for housewives. It was obvious when you looked at it like that.

Lyssa said...

How many people and what ages would be required to have that many separate pieces of entertainment electronics?

I did a divorce recently where the property that we were splitting up included eight T.V.s. Eight! For two people!

No surprise things didn't work out.

junyo said...

Jack Donaghy's character on 30 Rock proposing a women's porn channel for "Cabletown" (nee Comcast) that consisted of nothing but attractive men doing menial tasks (laundry, dishes, etc) while fake listening. Apparently, a valid concept.

And I wonder how funny it would've been had Kathleen Hassinger's husband publicly accused her of stupidity.

junyo said...

BTW, "router" is a misnomer - "routing" is directing traffic between networks, so a router is the device that acts as that gateway. This can be located anywhere, preferably close to the network demarc (where the wire enters your house and becomes your problem).

Nowadays, routers are built with wireless access points baked in, but that's really a separate function; media conversion, transforming electrical to radio waves and back, on the same network. It's convenient to have them on the same box, but sometimes creates a conflict as the best place for the wireless signal to emanate from isn't the ideal place for the router, and vice versa.

If wireless signal won't reach the far corners the simple solution is a dedicated wireless repeater or a separate AP that can be configured to provide that functionality.

bgates said...

reading that article made me want to Google "cable guy pornography,

Sure. The article made you do it.

wv "cremus"

MadisonMan said...

Cable package.

FWIW, we have one TV in our house. It's in the basement.

No, we have 3. Two old TVs are in the back of the basement awaiting a garage sale.

Old RPM Daddy said...

The whole clean-cut cable guy thing for women may not be far off. In a book by Larry King, I read that the only thing Lenny Bruce got convicted for in Florida had to do with donations he had collected for a leper colony he had found in that state.

No, it had nothing to do with the money, which he collected, accounted for, and dispensed all in accordance with applicable laws. The problem was, when he went around asking for donations, he was dressed as a priest. He would drive around wealthy neighborhoods in his fancy convertable, and go door to door in clerical garb, asking lonely Catholic housewives for their contributions.

He never got laid so much in his life.

ricpic said...

There really is a difference between millionaires and billionaires and owning a three story house in Chelsea is the dividing marker. Although I doubt billionaires have anything to fear from the NY Times or Obama and his minions in OWS. It's cable guys they're after.

Moose said...

Home porn, eh? So what's the money shot?

EDH said...

"I don't know. That's just the direction my mind went."

Certain commenters here undoubtably deserve at least some credit for instilling that baser instinct in our hostess.

ironrailsironweights said...

They'll be nailing horny housewives right and left.

Peter

Joe Schmoe said...

Lack of cable guy porn could be due to the fact that cable TV doesn't lend itself as well to double entendre as plumbing does.

Joe Schmoe said...

If you google plumbing porn you get over 2 million hits. And that's without searching on any other forms of the word. (plumber, etc.)

MayBee said...

Have you ever read about the Hong Kong "Milkshake Murder"?

Nancy Kissel, an American expat living in HK, killed her husband because she was having an affair with the cable installer from their Vermont vacation home.

EMD said...

My genius husband had the router in the basement," joked the homeowner, Kathleen Hassinger, a 39-year-old mother of three daughters...

I have the router in our basement. It works fine.

And fuck you, Kathleen, for ridiculing your husband in the New York Times.

bgates said...

cable TV doesn't lend itself as well to double entendre

stick the cable in the box

he comes in a window (arrange to be home for about four hours)

premium on-demand service

if you're desperate you can just share your neighbor's

you can put it in virtually every room in the house

if you're having trouble figuring out where to put it in one of those bulky older models, tip it forward a bit and feel around in back

bgates said...

over 2 million hits. And that's without searching on any other forms of the word

Only 2 hits for "Obama wants to screw Joe the Plumber".

wv "dingless" - probably, but we elected him anyway.

Jim said...

As usual, all ridiculous situations in life are fully discussed within The Big Lebowski:

Sherry in 'Logjammin': [on television video] You must be here to fix the cable.

Maude Lebowski: Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.

The Dude: He fixes the cable?

Maude Lebowski: Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey.

BTW, that wife sounds like an entitled moron. If she wanted a guy who is a great cable installer, she should have married a cable guy, not a top shelf lawyer or financier or real estate developer. If there's any justice in the world, he'll get to feature in an NYT article about rich, entitled wives of no particular merit who publicly emasculate their hard working husbands, and he'll be quoted as referring to her as, "my wife, the cable guy groupie."

edutcher said...

If you have Time-Warner, you have a router somewhere.

We sure did.

ironrailsironweights said...

They'll be nailing horny housewives right and left.

Peter


But will any of them be full flavored?

PS Who knew the Crack of Doom turned women on?

WV "uptings" (so many choices...)

Scott M said...

If there's any justice in the world, he'll get to feature in an NYT article about rich, entitled wives of no particular merit who publicly emasculate their hard working husbands, and he'll be quoted as referring to her as, "my wife, the cable guy groupie.

Maybe he's mentioned as a john in the NYT article about the prostitute. With a harridan like that at home, how could you blame him?

Michael The Magnificent said...

"My genius husband had the router in the basement," joked the homeowner, Kathleen Hassinger, a 39-year-old mother of three daughters...

As is mine, where it stays nice and cool and works just fine. It's on a shelf in a stack with the cable modem, an eight port managed gigabit switch, a VOIP gateway, and an HDTV ethernet-connected tuner. That stack sits right next to my freenas file server with a four-drive zfs raid array.

And yes, my IQ does put me into the genius category.

This woman is a cunt.

cassandra lite said...

"Rereading this post, I suddenly see what the real porn is for the ladies who read the New York Times: 'three-story home in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood'."

Apparently the husband she likes to ridicule in public really is a genius.

carrie said...

Or it could be the liberal elitist way to help keep up the egalitarian pretext--re-style the service people to make them appear to be more affluent than they probably are so that you don't feel guilty when they help you engage in conspicuous consumption.

NotquiteunBuckley said...

I prefer the NYT product placement to Limbaugh and others' incomeatyourhouse.com* scam.

Just think of how many stupid right wingers pay people for the opportunity to sell $40 bottles of fruit juice to their friends.

Hugh Hewitt got (is still getting?) poor people to pay credit repair companies to offer advice such as "pay your bills on time." Do some research to see what these credit repair vultures do to the most economically ignorant among us. Shameless bastards.

Many right wingers feel their job is to find the dumbest people in America and assure them no buyer needs to beware ever. Most left wingers are worse.

“I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

I believe William F. Buckley Jr. believed the above quote to mean, in context, live with God in your mind, not gold.

F^&%& Ron Paul and Glenn Beck.

PatCA said...

I think the cable companies realize we don't want to buy elaborate new systems and deal with the setup and learning curve because TV is simply not worth the trouble.

So all these glitzy brochures about the latest tech gizmos is pretty well a waste--like the ski magazines that feature only snow gods whizzing down Mt. Everest at 90 MPH on space age skis. That scares most of us into maybe reading a book instead.

NotquiteunBuckley said...

Is it possible the horrible Ted Kennedy could have been a decent person were he not rich?

Yes.

As it was, born rich and entitled, Ted ended up a treasonous ugloAmerican who broke Jesus' heart.

Squid said...

I'm still stuck on a bathroom scale that requires high-speed internet. I mean, what is it sending? High-definition CAT scans of the silly bint? An integer figure could just as easily be sent by Morse code as by 802.11.

rcommal said...

Man, am I ever glad I married a handy, DIY-type guy who also has an engineering degree. Nothing like a live-in service guy!

rcommal said...

a bathroom scale that requires high-speed internet

What, they don't already have a Wii?

; )

David-2 said...

On a bathroom scale as a gift: passive-aggressive behavior by a husband married to a woman who will criticize him to the world in the NYT? (If she does that, she obviously criticizes him to their friends all the time.)

William said...

Turn about is fair play, and this doesn't even approximate turn about. A rich husband goes out to the work world where he gets to meet lots of women every day. He wears a suit, and they do their best to look good. Lots of sexual frisson is you're out in the world... The stay at home wife stays at home and gets to see the cable installer or washing machine repairmen perhaps once a year, if that. I would bet that that lots of these repairment don't look anything like pornstars, and, anyway, male pornstars aren't very good looking. I don't begrudge these women their sad attempt to find a few random sparks of sexual heat, and I certainly hope that they're not wearing a housedress and curlers when the repairmen comes.

deborah said...

I'd bet she requested the scale.

Freeman Hunt said...

[Selene Tovar, 35, a stay-at-home mother of three] needed the Internet service at her three-story home in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood to be fast enough to power the family’s six televisions, five Xboxes, several PlayStations and multiple iPads and laptops.

Another way for a parent to say, "Leave me the hell alone."

Scott M said...

Another way for a parent to say, "Leave me the hell alone."

Exactly. Personally, I think raising kids in that environment without them turning into perfectly spoiled little jerks would take a helluva lot of effort and parental involvement.

Don't Tread 2012 said...

"I don't know. That's just the direction my mind went. Not that I clicked on any of the links."

'Gutterball'!

Don't Tread 2012 said...

"Man, am I ever glad I married a handy, DIY-type guy who also has an engineering degree. Nothing like a live-in service guy!"

This!

My wife has said this. Many times.

Popularity does have its price, and the privilege its often affords.

EMD said...

Anyone on Twitter can know tell genius wife and "PR Ninja" Kathleen Hassinger how they feel:

Crunchy Frog said...

I'd bet she requested the scale.

My thoughts exactly. What guy would even know that there were scales that hooked up to the internet and had iPhone apps designed for them?

wv: promethy - pet name of your favorite titan

sydney said...

Now — it's been obvious to me for quite a while — the New York Times is written for women. But at what point does it actually become... ridiculous...

It reached the ridiculous point when Jill Abramson became the executive editor.

Freeman Hunt said...

What do cable guys usually look like in New York? The guys in the pictures at the link look just like anyone who might come to work on one's house here.