September 5, 2011

"This article is wrong. The 4 things you need are..."

"Flashlight, loaded gun, telephone and condoms."

52 comments:

Shouting Thomas said...

The ladies of my age are so far beyond the potential for conception that condoms serve no purpose.

phx said...

What, no dreamcatcher?

pbAndjFellowRepublican said...

ST, STDs?

Shouting Thomas said...

STDs?

You know, I hadn't thought of that.

But, in reality, the days of bed hopping are over, too.

Sad.

Although, I've heard that in the retirement centers of Florida, like The Villages, STDs are rife. The dames outnumber the studs 10 to 1 by the time people reach their 70s and 80s.

So, the boys have to move around and service a harem.

NYTNewYorker said...

"Pick a decent-looking piece, like one from IKEA or Target."

Really?!

Ann Althouse said...

"You know, I hadn't thought of that."

This is why STDs are rampant in nursing homes. (Not kidding.)

traditionalguy said...

Modern life over 60 needs a night stand with:

The remote for the Bose Wave, the reading glasses, the C-Pack machine , and a crossword puzzle book.

Shouting Thomas said...

This is why STDs are rampant in nursing homes. (Not kidding.)

Every infection you can imagine is rampant in nursing homes.

My Mom recently retired (at the age of 83) as an LPN.

C diff colitis and MRSA are killers in the nursing home environment. I won't describe them, because they both are quite vile.

Both are commonly acquired when the nursing home patient is shipped off to the hospital for repair of something or other. The immune systems of the elderly don't work so well, and hospitals are breeding grounds for infections.

pbAndjFellowRepublican said...

"Modern life over 60 needs a night stand with:

The remote for the Bose Wave"


The great thing for Bose is that folks in the (and nearing) the golden years usually can't hear highs and lows.

Hence the phrase, 'no highs, no lows, Bose.'

My own desperate bitter-clinging to the full spectrum won't work in the long run. At least the Bose equipment is compact and cheap!

ndspinelli said...

Book, bottled water, cell phone, Louisville Slugger.

pbAndjFellowRepublican said...

ST,

Here is the visual version of what you're saying.

Credit where due, I found this link via Sully*



*Don't worry Sully-haters, this has nothing to do w/ his nuttiness.

Michael Haz said...

Foam earplugs are a must-have for every man's nightstand. They silence the snoring of whoever occupies the other side of the bed, and noise from outside the dwelling. Less noise = better sleep.

Phil 3:14 said...

This is why STDs are rampant in nursing homes. (Not kidding.)

Citation please. I used to be the medical director of a nursing home and I NEVER heard or read that.

Chip S. said...

Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

--Major T.J. "King" Kong

Phil 3:14 said...

re: condoms.

I love the presumption of multiple partners.

I mean, that's what being a man is all about, right?

Rick T. said...

The commenter who wrote: "My sleep number is 12 gauge" truly made me LOL!

The Drill SGT said...

Rick T. said...
The commenter who wrote: "My sleep number is 12 gauge" truly made me LOL!


I agree. The Colonel and I sleep on the second floor. If we heard noises, I'd put her on 911 and get grand pappy's 12 gauge pump out of the closet. Rack that baby back in the dark. Any thug that comes up the stairs after that isn't just a random drunk and deserves what he gets when he turns the corner...

Fred4Pres said...

I have a shotgun too. I can also avoid the condoms since I am married. But that list seems about right.

David said...

Flyswatter & bug killer spray. Nothing worse the the buzzing little bastards in the middle of the night.

Carol_Herman said...

Tissue box? Batteries for cellphones and flashlights. Which are different sizes.

An extra house key and car key?

And, all the small change from a person's pockets. Where does that go?

Oh, and IF that bed were in a hotel ... tell the woman to have two pairs of pantyhose ... just in case there are bedbugs, biting.

Where does the dog sleep?

Where's the laundry basket for the used sox and underpants?

(If you wear flip-flops does the dog carry them onto the bed?)

bagoh20 said...

Cyanide and a Bible.

Ignorance is Bliss said...

Skip the condoms; go with the hand lotion and tissues.

I'm at far greater risk of carpal tunnel syndrome then STDs.

phx said...

@bagoh20
Who are you, Hitler?

edutcher said...

The piece is dependent on neighborhood.

The rubbers aren't as good protection as some want to believe. In any case, at that age, you might as well have as much fun as you can, given we're all thralls to Dr Berwick. Koop always said a steady partner was the best preventative for venereal disease. Probably still is.

Ditch 'em. For me, I have to replace them with Potassium (Cushing's) and my glasses.

Scott said...

No, what you really need is:

1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter
2 cans (14 1/2-ounces) English peas, drained

Monique said...

Phil 3:14 wrote:
This is why STDs are rampant in nursing homes. (Not kidding.)

Citation please. I used to be the medical director of a nursing home and I NEVER heard or read that.
******
There is a LOT of info on this. Use your Google-fu. Search on STDs nursing homes

edutcher said...

I can understand the butter, but what do English peas have to do with a woman?

Even if she is past 50?

Ann Althouse said...

"You know, I hadn't thought of that."

This is why STDs are rampant in nursing homes. (Not kidding.)


When The Blonde worked communicable disease, she saw a lot of that. The attitude among the women is a functioning male, any functioning male, will do.

The Drill SGT said...

edutcher said...
The attitude among the women is a functioning male, any functioning male, will do.


and the Old Ladies talk :)

Michael Ryan said...

Gosh, it's awesome to see an article like that. As a male I'm totally helpless and would never be able to figure out for myself what I might need bedside, even after over a half century. It is soooo important to have women out there, even if just web writers, who can take care of us.

Ralph L said...

Nursing homes or retirement homes? The relatives we visited in nursing homes as children were old as the hills.

madAsHell said...

The web site is called ManOfTheHouse.com.

If you need to refer to a website for advice, then you ain't the man of the house.

What's next?
PullOverAndAskDirectionsAtTheGasStation.com

Cedarford said...

1. Cell phone. Also doubles as light source.
2. Box of tissues - A good third alternative between getting up to spit in the bathroom or swallow if you have a bad cold, flu. If you are younger and dating and unsure, also a polite alternative to offer the babe between getting up out of bed to spit, or the swallow option.
3. Bottle of decent Scotch or a top whiskey like Bookers. Not in an Alky sense...but a shared snort is a wonderful thing at times.
4. Remote for TV stereo unit.

***Shotgun doesn't fit in nightstand...unless civilization collapses and sawed off double barrel - the perfect home defense weapon or trench gun - is cool to have again.*** (Otherwise, Ithica 37 12-guage Featherweight w/#2 shot)

Other options:

1. Pair of gym shorts if you sleep in the buff, have younger kids and need to get decent fast when some sudden problem with them happens.

2. Handgun vs. shotgun. 38 or above is just fine. For really accurate shooters, a 22 Auto is enough.

3. Any medicines you might suddenly need.

4. Old codgers or someone with mobility issues might want some incontinence "kit" in the nightstand.

5. Bag of pot or the coke stash if you are into that.

6. Dog whistle for barking dog. Cues dog to shut up and stop barking unless it is important.

7. The laptop/iTablet. Beats pen and paper for sudden inspiration, reminders, settling a bet on something.

Scott said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scott said...

"I can understand the butter, but what do English peas have to do with a woman?"

@edutcher:

I'm talking Paula Deen. You're talking Romy Schneider.

Well, at least the butter part.

Cedarford said...

And yes, we ALL know a .22 pistol is a semi-auto. But mine is the HS 22 WMR Auto-Mag. (For the car, when appropriate)

Along with the wonderful old HS Military Supermatic target pistol and HS .22 Mag derringer.

Scott said...

Oops, I mean Maria Schneider.

Phil 3:14 said...

CDC interactive site for STD incidence by age
Over 65 looks pretty low.

edutcher said...

Scott said...

"I can understand the butter, but what do English peas have to do with a woman?"

@edutcher:

I'm talking Paula Deen. You're talking Romy Schneider.

Well, at least the butter part.


Keep in mind, there are guys would love Paula Deen wearing nothing but butter.

bagoh20 said...

I hate to get this started, but I think a shotgun is less than ideal for a bedroom weapon. People argue about this often from the point of view of what happens after you pull the trigger. If you get that far, most any weapon is gonna end the invasion.

The important thing is getting there - on target with the choice to fire now. I worry about being surprised in my sleep and needing to deliver my firepower accurately in less than 5 seconds after waking.

In close quarters, in the dark, I don't want to have to pull out a 3 foot long gun and then needing 2 hands, swing it where I need. I envision the intruder grabbing the barrel with one hand, deflecting it before I can lift it and easily keeping it from pointing at his body. My weapon is disabled.

With a hand gun I can pull it out with one hand and aim much quicker, and if he grabs it, I still have the advantage and can deliver a shot to him with one hand leaving the other free to strike.

It doesn't matter at all what comes out of the firearm - it's not helping if it's not pointed in the right direction.

Scott said...

@edutcher: Okay, that sounds right. So, what every man needs in bed are:

Paula Deen
A half-stick of butter
A can of English peas, and
A shotgun

C R Krieger said...

If you have bottled water you don't need condoms to carry water from the sink in the bathroom.  But, if that is your approach, make sure they aren't lubricated.

Regards  —  Cliff

The Drill SGT said...

It doesn't matter at all what comes out of the firearm - it's not helping if it's not pointed in the right direction.

I don't know, the sound of a pump shotgun being loaded in the dark, can discourage anybody but a meth addict from coming up the stairs.

and if you get caught with the muzzle down at close range, let him reach for the muzzle as you go vertical butt stroke (no titus) and shatter his face.

Peter Hoh said...

Anyone else experiencing difficulty opening this link in Firefox?

The page loads for a moment, and then the browser window goes blank while it transfers data from ad.doubleclick.net, according to the info tab in the lower left.

And then nothing happens.

Mike K said...

Although, I've heard that in the retirement centers of Florida, like The Villages, STDs are rife. The dames outnumber the studs 10 to 1 by the time people reach their 70s and 80s.

So, the boys have to move around and service a harem.


I practiced for years next to Leisure World, a retirement community in Orange County. A urologist friend of mine told me about a patient of his who had prostate cancer. The treatment was to castrate him and the urologist was telling him about this when the patient asked for a couple of weeks before the surgery. He told my friend he had to break the news of his coming impotence to seven women.

Scott said...

@Peter Hoh: I tried opening both althouse.blogspot.com and althouse.blogspot.com/2011/09/this-article-is-wrong-4-things-you-need.html in FireFox 3.6.21 running some version of Windows 7 on a PC with an Intel Core i5 processor. And, this instance of Firefox had all sorts of junk toolbars on it too. (My partner's computer is a whore.) No problem loading either page.

Scott said...

Maybe try a half-stick of butter.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

I don't want to have to pull out a 3 foot long gun and then needing 2 hands, swing it where I need.

Get a shorter barrel. A 'house gun' type. 18 inch barrel, at least 26" total length and in Ca it should be legal.

The plus of a shotgun is that you don't need to have a very precise aim.

On the other hand I hear that the Smith and Wesson .38 Bodyguard with laser sights is pretty good. Some of the ladies that I know who have it say they like it a lot because it is lightweight, fits their hands and the laser sight makes it pretty clear that you are going to get what you are aiming at.

A bit pricy, but what the hey.....safety isn't cheap and my life is more valuable than $600

:-D

Ralph L said...

Leisure World, a retirement community in Orange County
In Los Alamitos? My Cub Scout troop marched in a parade there in '69. I just remember the huge globe and adults on tricycles. I was too young to think of them screwing, thank goodness.

bagoh20 said...

People imagine a stalking encounter sneaking around room to room where a shotgun would be better, but I imagine being awakened by the guy in my room only a few feet away. That's why I sleep naked and covered in olive oil in case he tries to grab me. Extra virgin of course.


But seriously, even if an assailant is already on you and has a hold, you can still shoot him with a pistol. A two handed shotgun or even a long barreled handgun can actually put you at a disadvantage. Your hands are occupied trying to hold on to the gun while he is free to move inside the muzzle and beat you.

The primary objective is to get the gun between him and you (hopefully aimed in the right direction). A short pistol is gonna do this much faster. This is especially true for women. If you don't get the barrel level and on him before he gets to you, you'd be better off without it.

With a hand gun he has a much tougher time making sure the gun is not aimed at him while he's attacking you. With a longer gun, he has an easy one handed move to clear himself.


I've practiced it, and from a sleeping position, I can have my 45 completely in hand and controlled in less than 2 seconds and be crouched behind my bed with it aimed in about 3.

Even if he gets to me first, I might still pull out the pistol without him seeing me going for it, but you can't sneak a shotgun into a fight, even in the dark.

As for the sound of the shotgun loading, yea that's effective, but I can just warn him verbally that I'm about to blow his head off..."punk". I hope he understands English with a West Pennsylvania dialect.

MadisonMan said...

Nightstand? Why have that in your room? It just encourages clutter.

Tim said...

Shotgun v. pistol?

Both.

Pick the shotgun if you awake in time to figure out the intruder is in another room. Pump the action - fair chance he'll scram before you have to pull the trigger.

Kirk Parker said...

DBQ,

"The plus of a shotgun is that you don't need to have a very precise aim."

That's quite an enormous country palace you're living it, I guess. Meanwhile, for the rest of us, at typical home-defense distances you really will want to aim that shotgun. Doubt me? Try it out: measure the distance from your bed to the bedroom door, then go to the range--or, for you, probably, just out in the back yard (color me envious)--and see how much or rather how little dispersion of shot there is when it's only 10 feet from the muzzle to the target.

And laser sights can be a useful aid, but they don't in any way guarantee you'll actually hit where the red dot is shining, if your trigger technique is no good.