May 8, 2011

New Age nail polish nonsense.

"SpaRitual Nail Lacquers fuse the disciplines of color therapy with numerology to deliver vibrant pigments, which have the power to nurture, ignite, soothe or seduce, and convey unique messages with numerological value and meaning. Each blend is formulated for superior shine, with a quick drying time and flawless coverage. Packaged in Italian crafted bottles from recycled glass, these sleek bottles feature a patented Plum Cap™ for non-slip grip and custom brushes for optimal application of lacquer."

(I hesitate to link, but if you want to convince yourself that text represents real commerce click here.)

43 comments:

mesquito said...

Ethyl Acetate, Butyl Acetate, Nitrocellulose, Adipic Acid/Neopentyl Glycol/Trimellitic Anhydride Copolymer, Isopropyl Alcohol, Propyl Acetate, Trimethyl Pentanyl Diisobutyrate, Triphenyl Phosphate, Butyl Alcohol, Stearalkonium Hectorite, Stearalkonium Bentonite, Benzophenone-1, Citric Acid, Dimethicone May Contain: Ethyl Tosylamide, Tosylamide/Epoxy Resin, Sucrose Acetate Isobutyrate, Etocrylene, Styrene/Acrylates Copolymer, Acetyl Tributyl Citrate, Polyvinyl Butyral, Trimethylsiloxysilicate, CI 77891/Titanium Dioxide, CI 77019/Mica, Silica, CI 77163/Bismuth Oxychloride, CI 77491/Red Iron Oxide, CI 77499/Black Iron Oxide, CI 77510/Ferric Ferrocyanide, CI 19140/Yellow 5, CI 15850/Red 6, CI 15850:1/Red 7, CI 73360/Red 30, CI 15880/Red 34, CI 60725/Violet 2, CI 42090/Blue 1, CI 77520/Ferric Ammonium Ferrocyanide, Aluminum Powder, Tin Oxide, Aqua/Water/Eau.

ironrailsironweights said...

I'll bet that the women who go in for that stuff also go in for something else :(

Peter

rhhardin said...

Nail polish is nonsense new age or not.

The Crack Emcee said...

"Packaged in Italian crafted bottles from recycled glass,..."

It's all connected.

Tea Party at Perrysburg said...

Bwahaha! They're ugly colors too! And boring!

Jason (the commenter) said...

Tea Party at Perrysburg: Bwahaha! They're ugly colors too! And boring!

I think "mind" is flesh tone! Who would put that on?

Jason (the commenter) said...

Why can't these new age things promise to do anything useful, like kill all your enemies or make the walls bleed when your name is spoken?

That's some pretty weak magic.

EDH said...

Hey, I was just thrilled when I found an all-natural topical product that got rid of an intractible toenail fungus on my left big toe that had been there for years, without the threat of liver damage and other side effects from Lamisil and other pharma cures.

By way of recommendation, I could see it start working from the day I put it on.

The Science:

All other topical products are water soluble. Water doesn't penetrate skin and nails keratin). If it did, a person would blow up like a sponge getting into the bath. Anything that dissolves in water (water soluble) can not penetrate keratin (skin and nails).

See how water soluble products do not penetrate keratin and simply runs off the nail in the figure below.

Fungal Free Nails is a naturally occurring, non-toxic, organic compound that carries the fungicidal essential oils all the way to the nail bed by using the intercellular lipid channels.

caplight said...

Crack begins to lose it in ...3...2...1...

Jason (the commenter) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jason (the commenter) said...

Nail polish for seduction?

Back in the old days when we wanted to seduce someone we'd soak a lock of their hair in a the blood of a goat raised in total darkness and never allowed to touch the ground.

edutcher said...

Surprising how many women love stuff like that.

ironrailsironweights said...

I'll bet that the women who go in for that stuff also go in for something else :(

You should never assume.

And don't bet anything you can't afford to lose.

ironrailsironweights said...

I'll bet that the women who go in for that stuff also go in for something else :(

You should never assume.

Upon further reflection I believe you may be correct.

Chances are good that a woman who would use this "New Age" nail polish is a hippie type. It so happens that hippie chicks are among the very few women who still sometimes remain in their full-flavor state, along with Asian women and lesbians, though of course this is starting to change.

Peter

Michael K said...

A fool and her money are soon parted.

ErnieG said...

Somebody once asked Ernest Hemingway what the most important thing to do in order to be a successful writer. Hemingway said, “Develop a built-in bullshit detector.”

That's not bad advice, even if you're not a writer.

mm said...

Is it "Official Althouse Stuff"?

obladioblada said...

In the end, it's still an acrylic glaze mixed with pigment.

k*thy said...

Seems the usual marketing nonsense, new age or otherwise...

Pastafarian said...

The sales pitch you excerpted reminds me of a customer we once had at work. We make legitimate electronic components; this guy wanted a custom component, but he didn't really care about the specs of the thing, as much as he did the appearance.

We sold him some, and he became a regular customer. It turns out that he was selling this new-agey device that you could use to cure cancer, heart disease, or even a sick cow. You'd just snap a photo of your sick cow, put it into his machine, turn the knobs (which tuned our components), and even if that cow was halfway across the country, it would be healed by the magical waves and frequencies and hippy bullshit.

This guy sold hundreds of these devices, and charged quite a bit for each one.

Proof said...

"numerological value and meaning"

When you get to "ten", stop.

Nora said...

It reads like satire

edutcher said...

ironrailsironweights said...

I'll bet that the women who go in for that stuff also go in for something else :(

You should never assume.

Upon further reflection I believe you may be correct.

Chances are good that a woman who would use this "New Age" nail polish is a hippie type. It so happens that hippie chicks are among the very few women who still sometimes remain in their full-flavor state, along with Asian women and lesbians, though of course this is starting to change.


Not all who do New Age are necessarily hippie or New Age - much less the others.

Kev said...

(the other kev)

PT Barnum nods approvingly.

Seriously, it's no challenge to make fun of New Agers. The jokes write themselves.

traditionalguy said...

Wow! Color therapy and numerology combined cannot miss. The seduction powers of 23 year old strawberry blondes wearing numerology red nail polish would be a double whammy. I predict that this nail polish will replace waterboarding as the method to break the will of jihadists.

Henry said...

It works even better when you paint it directly on your brain.

ken in sc said...

I’m pretty sure nitrocellulose is explosive. BYW, in the Philippines there are small house lizards whose female nails turn bright red when they mate. Maybe red nails have something to do with our reptile brain.

Oligonicella said...

Damn Crack, it took nine minutes. I would have thought this one would have been a clarion call.

Michelle Dulak Thomson said...

Someone got paid to write that. Someone got paid even to come up with "SpaRitual," which has to set some sort of record for portmanteau-word awfulness, beating "turducken" by a couple of lengths.

Western civilization is toast, folks.

wv: pickilde. Need I say more?

ErnieG said...

Along these same lines, there's something that makes my blood boil every time I go through the local mall. There's a kiosk where they sell a hologram bracelet that's supposed to increase your strength and enhance your balance. The hologram emits a frequency, see, that is in tune with your body's "natural frequency," causing all these good things to happen. At $30 a pop.

Why these people aren't in jail I'll never know.

ricpic said...

Nail polish is nonsense new age or not.

Says a male.

Jason (the commenter) said...

ricpic: Says a male.

I'd consider wearing nail polish, if I wanted to butch it up.

Freeman Hunt said...

Maybe they mean that if you buy enough of it, you can huff it and have a sweat lodge sort of experience.

Freeman Hunt said...

I agree with rhhardin. Summer is coming along with its tyranny of "you'd better have nail polish on your toenails when you wear sandals."

The Crack Emcee said...

ErnieG,

There's a kiosk where they sell a hologram bracelet that's supposed to increase your strength and enhance your balance. The hologram emits a frequency, see, that is in tune with your body's "natural frequency," causing all these good things to happen. At $30 a pop.

Why these people aren't in jail I'll never know.


If I still had my old blog, I could show you they took a hit - primarily in Australia and the United Kingdom - for false advertising. I'm not sure about the U.S. but it's not like our government shouldn't know. They ought to be illegal.

Freeman Hunt said...

There's a kiosk where they sell a hologram bracelet that's supposed to increase your strength and enhance your balance. The hologram emits a frequency, see, that is in tune with your body's "natural frequency," causing all these good things to happen. At $30 a pop.

Why these people aren't in jail I'll never know.


They conned my father while he was undergoing cancer treatment.

Jerks.

Chip Ahoy said...

SpaRitual Nail Lacquers, which are not lacquers at all but rather all modern synthetic polymers of incredibly high molecular mass, rivet together the hard sciences of palm-reading, tarot, placebo, cloud-gazing, entrails reading, and LSD to deliver brand new colors never before seen by anybody on Earth including us because we all wear sunglasses inside, including the 16 million HTML color combinations of red, green, and blue values from to 255, or 255 X 255 X 255, that have the power to annoy, put to sleep, cause medomalacuphobia, repel pets, and convey unique messages of hopeless lunacy. Each blend is formulated with flecks of superior glitter mixed in quick evaporating slime. Packaged in recycled bottles cleaned out by a special-needs Italian guy and featuring old fashion crimped paper milk-bottle caps for easy removal and brushes made from brooms recycled from public schools.

Ingredients: Elmer's glue, glitter, food-coloring.

prairie wind said...

It isn't just women and girls.

ironrailsironweights said...

Let's not forget the vast "energy drink" industry. They're basically just sugar and caffeine, in most cases less caffeine that in an equivalent volume of coffee (at a far greater price, of course).

Peter

Fen said...

Why can't these new age things promise to do anything useful, like kill all your enemies or make the walls bleed when your name is spoken?

"the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal"

"post-partisan"

"post-racial"


67 million Americans fell for that, including our hostess.

Shanna said...

Summer is coming along with its tyranny of "you'd better have nail polish on your toenails when you wear sandals."

Tyranny? But it's so pretty!

Fen said...

I think the only people who notice women's feet are other women.

The Crack Emcee said...

Freeman Hunt,

They conned my father while he was undergoing cancer treatment.

Jerks.


That's part of the reason I've learned to hate them so much - the way they prey on the sick and dying, or those vulnerable from dealing with that situation. Almost everyone involved in my wife's cultism - including the three murders - were participating in "alternative" medicine and "healing".

The vultures finally got to my wife, fully, as she cared for her sick mother and we were apart for 6 months. Mind you - no excuses - she was favorable to the Pied Piper's already, but that's the opening they use and it's disgusting.

Barry Kearns said...

This was so very close to inducing a sale.

Sadly, these are missing one utterly critical component in order to make them 100% woo-aligned...

They are not homeopathic.