September 2, 2010

"You know what the greatest city in the world is?" asked NY Mayor Bloomberg.

"Scottsdale, Arizona. It's clean, it's not too big, it's got a couple streets with shops and restaurants, and the people there aren't fucking insane. This place is fucking insane. And by the way, that's not a reason to like it. Anyone who says that is a delusional dirtbag."

49 comments:

John Lynch said...

I agree!

Chase said...

Very Funny.

But seriously, if 99% of New Yorkers left, the remaining 1% would happily stay and count themselves superior to all other Americans for remaining there.

The same thing all New Yorkers believe today.

Skyler said...

You need an "onion" tag.

Henry said...
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JayC said...

But it's a great place to visit. Walking down the streets of NYC is like going to the zoo.

Except that there aren't any cages between you and the exhibits.

Henry said...

I've been to Scottsdale and I prefer New York. A person can only take so much cowboy art.

AJ Lynch said...

The Onion's tagline could be:

"We give you more in one story than you get in a week's worth from the NYT"

Seven Machos said...

I lived in New York City twice. Once was fresh out of college and scraping by. Another time was later, working for the State Department and living on a per diem in a nice apartment. Both times that city really wore me down.

My wife encapsulated it best. "Jesus Christ!" she said. "It's a drama to get a slice of pizza in this town."

KLDAVIS said...

While reading that Onion story, I found this one, which is even better. Don't miss the slide show half-way down the page. "Lucy Ingraham gives it up for a malted!" Belly aching laughter.

edutcher said...

Scottsdale is nice, but, if there were fewer government nannies like Bloomie in Gotham, the Big Apple might work a little better.

At the mention of NY's esteemed mayor, the words of "Officer Krupke" come to mind.

KLDAVIS said...

Just returned from a long weekend in New York and I feel the same way I do every time I get back to Chicago...everything is 10 times as cramped and 3 times as expensive in NYC, while the few things that are "better" are only marginally so. One thing is for sure, I will never fail to appreciate the multi-level streets in downtown CHI that alleviate the massive traffic jams caused by double-parked delivery trucks or the alleys...thank god for alleys.

Seven Machos said...

Having lived in New York City and being the sort of person I am, I could never live anywhere but a big city. That's why Chicago is perfect. It has all the charm and energy of big city life without the absurdity and stress.

Bob Ellison said...

Even the greatest city in the world is worse than most places outside all cities-- suburbs, country, wilderness, all of it.

KLDAVIS said...

I agree for the most part, but there's still plenty of absurdity...I'd trade Daley for Bloomberg in a NY minute, for example.

Dr. Alice said...

Zombie Helene Hanff announced that she would continue to live in New York City no matter what. "I love this town!" she screamed. "Did I ever tell you about my boyfriend at 84 Charing Cross Road?"

[I actually like Ms. Hanff's writing, BTW.]

Lem said...

Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

Reminds me of My Dinner with Andre (1981)

Fred4Pres said...

That is probably not even a parody!

Methadras said...

The Onion nailed it. Even as parody, it's true. The city is a shit hole, except for maybe The upper west side and Tribeca, and everyone is so fucking cunty. They all look like toxic waste mutants with their shitty teeth, their shitty hair, the dark circles around their eyes. The oozing maismic oil and sheen of the grit from that dump just latches onto you like the grip of a hungry ogre. There are more rats than people, the bed bugs have pretty much told everyone to fuck off. Wall it, nuke it. Mosques included.

Bruce Hayden said...

I've been to Scottsdale and I prefer New York. A person can only take so much cowboy art.

Well, I have been to New York, and prefer Scottsdale.

Bruce Hayden said...

Scottsdale is a weird place. A lot of fairly wealthy people living fairly well, but not flashing it a much as they would if they were in CA.

Socially, I think it is probably better to be a guy there than a gal. There seem to be a lot of 40 something divorced women looking for their next sugar daddy, and a much smaller group of rich guys preying on them.

I like to go out there, because if a guy looks ok, and dresses up, he can get a fair amount of feminine attention. When I was living there, I often wore a black suit out during the winter, and a white one between Memorial and Labor days. The white one worked especially well.

Back to the women - there are a lot of very good looking ones there, very well dressed and groomed. Not surprisingly, too many blonds for my taste, and a lot of fake breasts.

Indeed, went out a couple times with one woman I had dated years before, I think before she had gotten her breasts augmented - a lot. Biggest breasts I had dated in at least a decade. But she was looking for someone to bail her out of having bought a much too expensive house in Scottsdale, and this was well before the housing bubble broke. She eventually shied away when she discovered I had college to pay for.

Which brings me to the plastic surgeons. My girl friend goes to one to address melanoma. The offices are a block off of Scottsdale Road. The parking lot there tends to have at least a half million dollars in cars at any given time, sometimes upwards of a million. I don't think a doctor there drives anything worth less than $100k, and several drive cars worth a lot more. And, yes, there is marble in their waiting room.

Finally, Hayden Road is on the next section line east of Scottsdale Road. On several occasions, when I have had trouble with people spelling my last name, I tell them that it is spelled like that road, and, surprisingly, that helps. Makes no sense.

Greg Hlatky said...

Oh, God, I hope this never comes true. It would be like a tumor breaking loose and infecting the rest of America with 8.4 million braying, Yankees/Mets rooting, where-can-I-get-a-pastrami-sandwich-at-3-in-the-morning jerks. Blow up the bridges, flood the tunnels and keep them all there. And that goes for Long Island too.

Luke Lea said...

The world wide web will kill NYC. What's a "cultural capital" in the age of the internet?

Dust Bunny Queen said...
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Dust Bunny Queen said...

My sentiments exactly.

And do NOT plan to come here. People are prepared.

Just sayin'

shirley elizabeth said...

Really, the best is to live in North East Phoenix. You're nestled right between Scottsdale and Paradise Valley, and in the center of hundreds of trails through the hills. If you want to get in on the shnazzy Scottsdale scene, just hop five minutes over and you're in, but you don't have to deal with them actually being your neighbors.

madawaskan said...
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Bruce Hayden said...

Really, the best is to live in North East Phoenix. You're nestled right between Scottsdale and Paradise Valley, and in the center of hundreds of trails through the hills. If you want to get in on the shnazzy Scottsdale scene, just hop five minutes over and you're in, but you don't have to deal with them actually being your neighbors.

Would have to agree - at least in general. When I moved to Phoenix in the late 1990s from Austin, I looked at the cost of living in Phoenix and Scottsdale, and was surprised when Scottsdale showed about 30% higher at the time. So, ended up living a bit west of you, in (eastern) north-central PHX, which still has easy access to Scottsdale amenities, but also to downtown (where our offices are, for when I am in town there). Girlfriend still lives there, as she has for maybe 25 years.

blake said...

Heh. Cute:

"In fact, the only completely inaccurate information I'm aware of is a message dating back to 1978 stating that 'Rachel Sorenson sucks cock behind the DQ,'" Sorenson added.

hawkeyedjb said...

Agree with the comment from Hayden... I went out with quite a few nice S'dale women before settling down with a nice, normal Mesa lady with no cosmetic enhancements. But Scottsdale itself is a nice place, relaxed and sunny. We bicycle there on Sunday mornings for breakfast. We should start an Althouse Meetup Group. Maybe The MeadeHouse unit will join us sometime...

Be said...

My Dad tells me that I need to see that part of the world before settling down. I'm really sad that I haven't. I want to see Scottsdale (because of David Letterman) Phoenix, Tempe, Nogales and Tucson (in spite of all the crime!) The temperate/alpine regions of NM are other points of interest.

(Disclaimer: I'm pushing 40, have lived my adult life in Boston, MA, save for now, fwiw. Was born and grew up in Buffalo, NY.)

Clyde said...

Skyler is right!

wv: inioins

Which I think is kinda-sorta like chopped-up onions.

Matthew said...

As a Native New Yorker, I can only say this,in my best Brooklynese:

Fuck Scottsdale.

Thank you.

P.S. Fuck anyone who doesn't love New York.

P.P.S.S. You can have your escaped Libtards, with their warped sense of tolerance and political correctness back anytime you want them, Midwestern America! Between them and the Permanent Breeding Underclasses -- kept alive by the taxpayer for no reason that I can discern -- life in this City is becoming unbearable.

King Bloomberg is merely the pustule that accompanies the disease.

Seven Machos said...

the Permanent Breeding Underclasses -- kept alive by the taxpayer for no reason that I can discern

My God! I feel like Tom Wolfe getting the flash of brilliance to write The Painted Word, seeing right here at Althouse the obiter dicta, the words in passing that give the game away.

I got $100 that says Matthew is a young, impressionable twat who got beat up once a week taking the bus home from his junior high school to some comfortable cul de sac in small-town Ohio.

See you in November, schmuck.

AJ Lynch said...

What Greg Hlatky said!

junyo said...

If it weren't for the unconstitutional gun laws, ass punching tax rates, socialist government, and hipsters, NYC would be great. As it is, NYC is cool in limited doses, or when you're young and broke and don't know any better, or old and rich and can insulate yourself from the ugly bits.

c3 said...

he best is to live in North East Phoenix.

I don't know about "best" but speaking from daily experience its pretty good. (But about this time of year, one is getting tired of the number 100)

CatherineM said...

I admit, I yelled out my window at the bozos honking their horn all day long (like it accomplishes something?) in a traffic jam out my living room window. For a second it felt good to yell, "SHUT UP!" and of course I got the usual NYC response from the drivers, "Fuck YOU!" It's the stuff that drives you mad.

Junyo, that's excellent. I always say, the people, like the real Bloomberg, who think NYC is the best place on the planet all have country houses. Bloomberg jets off to the Hamptons and Bermuda on a private plane for weekends. Hell, he doesn't have to deal with traffic to see U2 at the Meadowlands - just takes his helicopter! Easy to love NYC when you have the money for the things that allow you to avoid the stress. Or you are young and it's all so exciting.

Otherwise, I can't stand the filthy, smelly sweltering subway any more and avoid it. The smell of the street after garbage water seeped from the bags on the curbover night...smelly people....if my family weren't here...

tooclass said...

hah, I'm from scottsdale and moved to NYC. This kinda hurts

blake said...

Yeah, I was kind of stung by the end...people from L.A. moving in. Heh.

Ignorance is Bliss said...

Really, the best is to live in North East Phoenix. You're nestled right between Scottsdale and Paradise Valley, and in the center of hundreds of trails through the hills.

As long as you don't mind tripping over all the headless bodies...

Joe said...

This is kind of a nightmare to those in the mountain and desert west; that all the assholes from New York City will join us.

(Natives from Seattle "love" how all those people from California came up to "get away" and then rebuilt the place just like where they left.)

Matthew said...

"I got $100 that says Matthew is a young, impressionable twat who got beat up once a week taking the bus home from his junior high school to some comfortable cul de sac in small-town Ohio."

Nope. Born in bred in Brooklyn, 43 years ago. I still live in NYC. Twenty-plus years on Wall Street programming the computer systems that actually RUN the American economy (despite what any politician or stockbroker has to say). And if you'd like to find out if you can kick my ass, I'll extend an invitation for you to TRY. Just drop a mail whenever you want to go, Bedwetter.

And I'll give you $200 -- if you actually can.

I'm thinking "Seven Machos" refers to how many men you probably pleasured one enchanted evening...

g2loq said...

nuke San Francico, LA, New York and a few more ...
Then ...
Nothing ...
Nothing would result.
It happened with New Orleans ... nothing ...

Nothing comes out of cities ... They're blackholes.

g2loq said...

nuke San Francico, LA, New York and a few more ...
Then ...
Nothing ...
Nothing would result.
It happened with New Orleans ... nothing ...

Nothing comes out of cities ... They're blackholes.
Populated by effete Obama voters who pay no taxes ...

Trooper York said...

Most of you don't know the real New York City. You just know the touristy parts.

Rockafeller Center at Christmas.
Well there are better Christmas displays in Dyker Heights in Brooklyn.

Chinatown in downtown Manhattan. Well there are better and more vibrant Chinatowns in Flushing Queens and Sunset Park Brooklyn.

The hipster parts of the Lower East Side and the Village. More artsy stuff is going on in Bed Stuy and Bushwick and parts of the Bronx where the real poor starving artists live these days.

Parts of Queens and Staten Island are just as suburban as Scottsdale.
Ok you might run into Snookie and the Situation at the Dunkin Donuts but just think of it as exotic wildlife.

Millions of ordinary working class people work for a paycheck everyday. They come in every color, nationality and language. They are just trying to raise their families and get through the day.

Mayor Bloomberg wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire.

I wish this was a real article and that Nanny mother fucker would move there.

But alas he might want to run for still another term. And he could win. Because money talks and bullshit walks.

Well bullshit also sits behind the Mayor's desk in New York City.

c3 said...

Trooper;
Dyker Heights!!!

I'm imagining all of the play one words with that one.

Trooper York said...

It's part of Bay Ridge near the Belt Parkway.

One of the few golf courses in New York is there.

I used to love to shank a golf ball right on to the expressway.

Nothing is more fun than putting a golf ball through a Mercedes Window.

Well when it has your buddy's name on it...that's more fun. Just sayn'

jamboree said...

I liked NY in my 20s. Wouldn't want to live anywhere near a city in breeding/raising kids years. That's just gross. :-)

For me, cities are for money and head trips and therapists and drugs and having sex with strangers and me me me me and my time. That's fine, but I wouldn't want to expose kids to that.

And I can't even imagine why anyone stays when they are full on old.

junyo said...

The hipster parts of the Lower East Side and the Village. More artsy stuff is going on in Bed Stuy and Bushwick and parts of the Bronx where the real poor starving artists live these days.

And thus the problem with hipsters. They turned Williamsburg into Village East. Now they're pricing the artists out of Bushwick, by rechristening it East Williamsburg.