November 29, 2009

Are we "still supposed to believe that his wife, Elin Nordegren, somehow turned one of Tiger's Nike SQ drivers into the Jaws of Life"?

"Woods was driving a Cadillac Escalade out of his own driveway, which is the same as driving a tank. He wasn't going fast enough to deploy his air bags. But we're supposed to believe that in a rescue worthy of the new series, 'Trauma,' his wife had to bust a back window to pull her husband to safety after he ran over a fire hydrant and into a tree."

Mike Lupica tells Tiger Woods to get his story out — whatever it is.

AND, from the comments of Fridays's Tiger Woods post: a poem, by David (with "deep apologies" to William Blake):
Tiger, Tiger, that wasn't too bright.
Grabbin' the Caddy and takin' flight.
Perhaps the very lovely Ellin
Some Tiger hanky-pank was smellin'?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what pussy fried thee thy brain?
What the putter? What the wood?
What, her lawyer? Gonna whup you good.
AND: From Inwood follows David with his own "Tiger, Tiger":
TIGER, tiger, not so bright
In the caddy late at night,
What immortal hand or eye
Have framed thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or drain
Burnt the fire of thy brain
What babe you been A-W-O-L-in?
What you think that do to Ellin?

When Ellin threw your clubs like spears
Did’st water heaven with thy tears?
Did she smile her work to see?
Will she who made this ruin ruin thee?

40 comments:

David said...

They are truly amazing golf clubs. You can increase your distance (from truth and reality) with a single swing.

bearbee said...

FOOOOOORE.....Whack! Crash...Crunch.....Spurt....

ricpic said...

Ain't nothin' like Viking blood aroused.

kathleen said...

Screw the media. It's none of their business and none of ours. And anyway it's pretty obvious what happened.

Pastafarian said...

So what's the most plausible explanation? Here's an attempt:

At about midnight, Tiger and his wife get into an argument about the supposed affair alleged by some tabloid; she gets mad and punches him, while wearing a 10-carat ring, lacerating him across the cheekbone; after an hour of calming down, it takes them another hour to come up with, and implement, this cover story.

Other theories?

And by the way -- Mike Lupica is the most self-important twit I've ever read. You might not be able to tell it from this one brief article, but the guy makes me physically ill.

Kirby Olson said...

Last night on Fox they interviewed the editor at National Enquirer who said they had tailed him for months and found the affair going on in Australia, where they filmed the mistress getting out on Tiger's floor in some hotel during the Australian Open. He said they would be able to withstand any suit.

But at least he didn't rape her like Kobe apparently did.

His wife should find some kind of happiness in that!

save_the_rustbelt said...

If the police ever show up at my door, I will have my agent tell them I cannot be disturbed.

Oh wait, I do not have an agent.

When I was younger girls smacked guys all the time, which was why the teenage pregnancy rate was so low.

Go wifey go.

peter hoh said...

Having seen photos of this alleged other woman, I'm wondering if Tiger, like Steve Phillips, is having problems with his vision.

save_the_rustbelt said...

Pasta - I don't think there was a cooling off period, I think he left in the heat of combat.

Otherwise they would have blamed the dog for the scratches.

John Salmon said...

Who cares?

edutcher said...

Ann said...

"Are we "still supposed to believe that his wife, Elin Nordegren, somehow turned one of Tiger's Nike SQ drivers into the Jaws of Life"?"

Sounds like she came close to turning it into the Jaws of Death.

fivewheels said...

And am I supposed to believe that Mike Lupica didn't blatantly plagiarize his "Jaws of Life" line from Deadspin, which used it two days ago?

It's the pre-eminent sports blog, and if you were following the story as it was breaking, it was behind only TMZ as the place to go on Friday night. There's basically no way to plead ignorance/coincidence on that. Lupica's a joke.

fivewheels said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
XWL said...

Let's examine a gender reversed incident with the same fact pattern:

Man, standing over semi-conscious, bruised and bloodied wife with an excellent blunt force trauma type weapon in his hand, claims to police he was only using it to extract her from vehicle. At the scene, no airbag deployed, and no blood in the car, likely indicating that the injuries weren't sustained in the crash.

Wouldn't this man be in handcuffs and arrested at the scene?

Would that man be allowed to refuse a police interview the following day while also refusing police access to his wife?

Domestic battery is domestic battery, and this sure seems to be a case of that.

(seems like this might get the 'rape rape' treatment in the media, though, cause Tiger's male, and he may have given his wife cause to be angry, but nothing excuses physical violence, and there should be equality before the law, regardless of gender)

ricpic said...

Tiger, Tiger, not too bright,
In the South Florida night;
Elin whacked your lip, your eye,
Niblicked your fearful symmetry.

EDH said...

In her rage, Elin Nordegren lends a whole new meaning to the observance of "black history."

Will said...

"driving a Cadillac Escalade out of his own driveway, which is the same as driving a tank."

Only in the sense that flying a Piper Cub is the same as flying a 747, or driving a 20-foot cabin cruiser is the same as driving the Queen Mary 2.

I believe XWL is on the right track. If the shoe were on the other foot, Tiger'd have been taken in for some serious questioning.

Methadras said...

peter hoh said...

Having seen photos of this alleged other woman, I'm wondering if Tiger, like Steve Phillips, is having problems with his vision.


It isn't about the quality of the beauty that a man sometimes finds his affections leading towards, but rather the ease of which his affections tend to have an effect on said paramour. She was easy, available, and didn't say no and he took the opportunity to thank her for not denying him thus making him feel if not think he is still desirable to women. End of story.

Jim said...

1. I do believe I told y'all so a few nights back.
2.This guy is so used to having others control his public image that releasing the truth is probably out of the question.
3.Isn't it amazing the amount of accurate information that comes from the ambulance-chasing National Enquirer? You would think that with all these celebrities' wealth they would be suing the NE's pants off. But that rarely happens. Which means they usually have the goods. Which also means that the MSM is atrocious.

peter hoh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
peter hoh said...

This story has legs. Woods just released a carefully worded statement. I look forward to Althouse parsing it.

Gloria Allred, doing her best to score some face time with the cameras, has agreed to represent Uchitel.

Old Dad said...

Pretty much what we should have expected from Tiger. Regardless, nothing more will be said.

We can speculate 'till the cows come home. You can bet money that Tiger means what he says-he won't make this mistake--whatever it was--again.

Tiger is not your average celeb idiot. You don't sustain his level of success and privacy for nearly 20 years by being an idiot. He's hit a nasty speed bump, but mark my words, he'll win two majors and ten events in 2010 with is wife and kids in tow.

AllenS said...

Let's give The Woods some credit. He didn't go all OJ Simpson on her.

Joe said...

Isn't it amazing the amount of accurate information that comes from the ambulance-chasing National Enquirer?

What accurate information? There is little in this case.

k*thy said...

Tiger needs to get his wife some NERF clubs for Christmas.

Jim said...

Joe said...
Isn't it amazing the amount of accurate information that comes from the ambulance-chasing National Enquirer?

What accurate information? There is little in this case.


Joe...this was a general statement. More often than not NE is proven to be right on. Need I remind anyone (on this board particularly) of a certain John Edwards?

Roux said...

My guess is the wife pissed him off and he was leaving to get away and cool off. It's what men have to do sometimes.

FWIW...Mike Lupica is an asshole.

Icepick said...

Kathleen, maybe it's none of your business, but it is mine. Local and state law enforcement were involved, and apparently we have a crazed celebrity riding around town in the middle of the night losing control of a rather large vehicle and crashing into things. As someone that lives in Orlando with this guy I'd like to know what's going on.

And Ricpic, Windermere is not in South Florida, it's in Central Florida. It's roughly in the middle of Orlando, Pine Hills (Pine Free Crime Hills, mofos), Clermont and Walt Disney World. A lovely little neighborhood for the very well-heeled.

And Isleworth/Windermere isn't likely to get too worked over this as domestic violence. They have an actual domestic murder in that community to worry about. Besides money buys silence. And money spent means economic activity! Consider this the Tiger Woods Economic Recovery Act of 2009. So let's help Tiger save the economy by keeping this in the news as long as possible!

David said...

Frontpaged at last by Althouse. I can die happy.

kathleen said...

Hey Icepick, do you run down to the courthouse everyday to get up to speed on every little infraction and misdemeanor in Orlando, all of which are apparently "your business"?

Icepick said...

Kathleen, that is stupidity. Just because I can't know of everything doesn't mean I'm allowed to know of anything?

However I do have an interest in traffic law enforcement in my town. We have lots of drag racing, lots of drive-bys, and damned near zero enforcement. The local cops only enforce laws when (a) it's convenient to the police and (b) they can generate revenue for their departments safely. We have drag racing all over town pretty much every night, but the police can't ever seem to find it. (For example, it's on South OBT both north and south of the Orange/Osceola COunty line, also on John Young Blvd in the same area, also on Town Center Blvd in the same area, EVERY FUCKING NIGHT. The police never seem to find it, even though we frequently have nasty accidents in this area.)

And here we have a celebrity fucking up in public, destroying public property, jerking the police around, and he will get away with it. So yes, I'm interested and I don't care how much of a stupid prig you want to be about the matter. If Tiger didn't want his business to be public, HE SHOULDN"T HAVE FUCKED UP IN PUBLIC.

kathleen said...

LOL

David said...

Thanks for the link to the "analysis" of Blake's poem.

This and many other commentaries on the poem focus on the role of God in creating Good and evil, the good/evil dichotomy and lots of similarly broad conceptual matters.

Bullshit, says me.

I have always felt that the poem is more about understanding the Tiger's experience of capture and captivity--the tiger chained at the Tower of London. "What the hammer, what the chain?"

Most poems are a description of a physical scene and an emotional reaction to that scene. The readers tend to supply the philosophy.

Anyway it's a fabulous poem for the sounds and images.

Almost Ali said...

It seems that Tiger has confirmed Nike's (et al) worst fears.

I read a clever pre-nuptial agreement some years ago wherein the potentially opportunistic spouse was allowed to insert a cancellation clause in the event her husband committed adultery. Plus a double indemnity stipulation if the adultery went public.

From Inwood said...

Here’s my entry:

TIGER, tiger, not so bright
In the caddy late at night,
What immortal hand or eye
Would frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or drain
Burnt the fire of thy brain
What babe you been A-W-O-L-in?
What you think that do to Ellin?

When Ellin threw your clubs like spears
Did’st water heaven with thy tears?
Did she smile her work to see?
Will she who made this ruin ruin thee?

From Inwood said...

David

As the GW scientists might say: I'll stick with the consensus as to the meaning of the poem.

With all due respect, I don't quite see how you get your tiger chained in the Tower of London from Stanza Four, which asks what kind of tool, tools being so banausic, could possibly have frame the tiger's fearful symmetry.

From Inwood said...

OOPS should've written "have framed"

Ralph L said...

In the caddy late at night
I thought he had a male caddy (NTTAWWT), or do you mean Caddy.

Iapetus said...

@XWL: "Would that man be allowed to refuse a police interview the following day while also refusing police access to his wife?"

OK IANAL, but Woods and his wife do not have to talk to the police. Indeed, I think they would be foolish to talk to the police, who did not witness the accident but only its aftermath. And now that Woods' lawyer has begun to get control of the situation, I would bet his advice to his client is, "Shut up and let me do the talking."

From Inwood said...

looks like someone stayed up all night to hijack this site for her contribution to cyber Monday, but
Here goes:

Ralph L Very funny. Do you think it was a Freudian slip on my part?

BTW, if anyone cares, I have a last stanza to my parody poem;

TIGER, Tiger, not so bright
In the Caddy late at night,
What, you dreamin' fornicating?
Wifey's thinking litigating!


let me make a new entry in the poetry contest (apologies to Leigh Hunt:

Rachel kissed me when we met,
Jumping from the place she lay’bout;
.
Enquirer, you thief, who love to get
Scandals in your list, keep that out:
Say I’m weary, say I’m sad,
Say that temptations have not missed me,
Say I’m old, just don’t but add
Rachel kissed me.
Otherwise old Elin will take a shot
And some divorce lawyer, all I’ve got.