June 5, 2009

Best. Sex. Ever.

I had to put in some hours at the salon. I wanted to read some exams, but as my new lowlights were cooking under the heat lights, I couldn't help myself:

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Oh, no! That looks dangerous.

All that advice! Where to eat lunch...

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... how to float in a sea of guys...

... what on earth to say to this male flotsam ...

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Is it me or is this magazine kind of insane?

54 comments:

traditionalguy said...

Welcome to the illusions that sell hope and change before Obama and Axelrod used it to claim votes from the same illusion buyers. GM is now the best car-sex you will ever have. The Stimulus Bill give away is the most Stimulating imaginary jobs program you ever had. And the Mid-East peace plan is the best illusion of pleasing eternal Arab lovers the Israelis have ever been offered.

Palladian said...

"Is it me or is this magazine kind of insane?"


lol. Imagine how difficult it is to publish a monthly magazine that has had the same basic content in each issue for the last 30 years. After a few years of telling women how to give better head and how to not be so fat and how to throw themselves at lowlife men at bars, anyone would probably go a little bonkers. But if you think they're crazy, imagine what it's doing to the women who take it seriously.

Here's my gutsy new tip guaranteed to give him the most "badass" orgasm imaginable: let a fag blow your boyfriend instead of you, you toothy, gaggy bitch.

And if you want to have your own "badass" orgasm as well, buy a vibrator. It's a hell of a lot less work than trying to finger your boyfriend's prostate through his butthole while holding a copy of Cosmo in your other hand. And a lot more fulfilling too, I'd imagine.

John Burgess said...

Sane magazine--it's earning money, right?--selling to an insane audience.

Paddy O. said...

They need real world advice:

Start a blog. Attract commentators.

Palladian said...

"Thanks to Obama, political campaigns are suddenly sexy. Get involved in summer canvassing now for a fall candidate in your area."

Somehow I think the presence of a bunch of dizzy, horny bitches getting involved in politics in order to "meet guys" is what resulted in Obama, not the other way around.

I wonder if Monica Lewinsky read a version of this same advice in Cosmo in 1995 and though "hmmm, maybe I should try that!"

Ron said...

Fingering your twitter 140 characters at a time will produce a badass orgasm, all right!

I got yer social network, right here!

rhhardin said...

Try dying your roots brunette.

Pogo said...

I have never met a woman who acted like the magazine suggestions in my whole life.

I've read my sisters/girlfriends/wifes/daughters' Teen, Cosmo, Vogue, Elle, Marie Claire, Jane, Redbook, etc. etc. (babes!) and never ever figured it out. Are women like this? Are any women like this? Why isn't my girlfriend like this?

I have never heard women talk like that except on Sex in the City or Friends and TV commercials for oral contraceptives. And some crappy movies. 'Sometimes I feel not-so-fresh.'

I was beginning to think there was this alternate universe where women went and had these conversations with each other and talked to men just like in Cosmo.

Maybe Mr. Carradine was trying to enter that other dimension and talk to some cool chicks in the lunch line at Chipotle, in a kickball league (which even sounds sexy!), or pulling beer at a rock festival.

P.S. Do 'mind-blowing orgasms' hurt? Do they cause dementia? Do they require props, or objects made of vinyl? Will it lower my cholesterol?

Quayle said...

Wow, what were the odds that after a few thousand years of civilization and a number of decades of Cosmo, we'd be told how to have the best sex EVER, in June of 09.

Are we lucky or what!

Another example of change that came with the Obama election!

Penny said...

Please note that Althouse isn't sharing any screen shots about "Best. Sex. Ever."

Show us what they suggest for the REAL laughs.

Julian Molina said...

The Onion commented on Cosmo already:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mP2xCRQRyUU

Cedarford said...

You do realize that the Best.Sex.Ever! for a woman is slowly strangling herself in a hotel closet with a jackrabbit internal vibrator external clit stimulator running at the same time?

Cosmic-level orgasm!

Unfortunately, women do not know this yet, that widely.

TitusisHornyFromWatchingLandscaper said...

The magazine is insane.

The sad part is some women probably think these techniques could actually be useful.

TitusisHornyFromWatchingLandscaper said...

The Sex and The City women are actually gay men.

Jeremy said...

It's cropped, but I think there's a tip in there to go to a "Dude Specific Book Signing." Is that like Tobias Funke's "The Man Inside Me" book signing?

-The Other Jeremy

DADvocate said...

Yes, Cosmo is insane. I could never figure out how they decided which words to italcize.

It seems they just throw the command-I at the text at random.

Simon Hawkin said...

Yes, they are insane. Next question?

TitusisHornyFromWatchingLandscaper said...

you "had" to put some "hours" into the salon?

How long were you there Mary?

And what procedures took place?

Dr. Alice said...

I've never understood how Cosmo can claim to be a magazine for liberated, independent women when the only topic it addresses is how to catch and keep a man. Seriously, that's it. The desperation pouring off those pages is scary.

TitusisHornyFromWatchingLandscaper said...

What's Chilopte?

A lunch line?

Come on, that is just sad.

former law student said...

Cosmopolitan's been like that since the sixties. (Us kids were always parked while the grownups talked; as a result I read everything available, including Dr. Spock, How to Avoid Probate!, and A Woman's Guide to Her Health.)

At that time, a book much passed around my sister's set was "How to Catch a Teenage Boy, and What To Do With Him When You Catch Him." Is there a "Cosmo for Juniors" magazine?

Jess said...

The other Jeremy said:
>It's cropped, but I think there's a tip in there to go to a "Dude Specific Book Signing." Is that like Tobias Funke's "The Man Inside Me" book signing?

No, a Dude Specific Book Signing would be, say, a Tom Clancy book signing or the like.

HTH, HAND

Jason (the commenter) said...

Penny : Show us what they suggest for the REAL laughs.

I expect it reads something like this:

"They call it 'the donkey punch'..."

Penny said...

The donkey punch? You mean like a kick in the ass?

Zachary Paul Sire said...

I am still at work. It has been a horrible day. But reading this post has changed everything. I have literally been LOL'ing for the past five minutes. Thank you.

Juris Dentist said...

It must be Obama's fault!

Kirk Parker said...

Lileks has been here before, contrasting the difference between women's magazines and men's, with predictably hilarious results.

But then he (like P.J. O'Rourke) is pretty good at bringing things around to a humorously serious conclusion:

"None of the lad’s mags are devoted to making women like you. From this women should learn much."

Fen said...

Juris: It must be Obama's fault!

It was, but then he blamed the previous administration. Again.

ricpic said...

Most guys are starving for praise. But what about the second time you have to praise him? And the fifth? Better to just give him a cord and point him to the nearest closet.

Sorin said...

Nothing is new under the sun. The gal mags have not a clue. No mention of humming and warm water. DaOh...

William said...

A new way to achieve multiple orgasms that firms up the thighs and burns up the calories.

Michael Hasenstab said...

Is it me, or are your boobs kind of braless? That's great! They'll never sag. I love your work.

*Slap*

Zach said...

Speaking as the target demographic here, their example for a conversation starter is terrible:

"Is it me, or is that waiter kind of rude? / Bike kind of weird looking?"

Why would you ever start a conversation with a negative comment about a third party?

Penny said...

"I've never understood how Cosmo can claim to be a magazine for liberated, independent women when the only topic it addresses is how to catch and keep a man."

Maybe I am older than you, Dr.Alice, not sure? But when I first started looking at Cosmo's cover page, it was like a beacon on the hill. It was not so many decades ago that women could even begin to share anything but kids and laundry with the men who "caught and kept" them. Cosmo introduced another
alternative... "Female Sexual Fantasy". I, for one, thank Helen Gurley Brown for allowing me to find the 19 year old "slut" in me. Lord knows, this sort of thing never percolates from moms or grandmoms.

Make as much fun as you wish. Girls may read the articles in Cosmo, but women? We continue to slide all over that front page and take it to places that your mind cannot even imagine.

blake said...

I guess I'l cancel my subscription.

howzerdo said...

fls: it's called Seventeen. (Assuming it is still published? It's been a while.) I think the progression is 'Teen, Seventeen, Cosmo. After that (age 21-ish?), women read better magazines (such as American Heritage). But even in those years when they are reading Cosmo, I doubt young women buy into it.

I don't know about the other women's magazines, such as Better Homes, Family Circle or Redbook. For Recipes? Craft ideas?

Regardless, it's all about the ads. The other stuff is just filler.

The only time I glance at Cosmo is when I am having my hair cut. But that was pre-Blackberry. Now I check my email instead.

Fen said...

Seventeen! I remember that mag. I would read it to keep up with whatever tricks my gf was going to play next.

Fen said...

And I remember that seeing "The Rules" in a girl's room was the signal to find a new gf.

former law student said...

contrasting the difference between women's magazines and men's

I remember the first time I saw a GQ -- I think at the barber shop -- I was amazed. Leafing through it I realized: hey, this is Glamour magazine -- but for men!

Methadras said...

Oh, you mean that rag of insanity known as Cosmopolitan from the insane degenerate creation of that waspy trolloping whore, Helen Gurley Brown (another 3 named bitch)? You mean that Cosmopolitan?

Penny said...

Yes, I am certain it is THAT Cosmo.

Chase said...

Is it me or is this magazine kind of insane?


It's you.

Richard Fagin said...

You just got married. Put that soft porn away, dammit!

Kevin said...

My awe for Cosmopolitan increased when I visited Russia, and discovered that not only was there a Russian edition of Cosmopolitan, there was also a Siberian edition! (With, one assumes, articles on "How to please your man at 30 below zero".)

Jennifer said...

No, it's not just you. Cosmo has devolved into the middle aged woman's equivalent of a Maxim or FHM. Or whatever that mag is called. Not the same content but quite the same level. When I used to read my mom's Cosmo, I swear it was more woman-centered and less QUICK GET A MAN, YOU LOSER-centered.

And yes there is a Teen Cosmo. While I've never read it, I assume it's just as bad.

bagoh20 said...

It is strangely exciting when a woman clumsily tries one of these "techniques". It makes them seem young, naive, even virginal. I suddenly feel confident and superior - so I guess they do work.

Richard Lawrence Cohen said...

"What on earth to say to this male flotsam." Ann, you're too much.

Glen said...

Cosmo needs more edge. May I suggest "The Top 10 Conservative Men We’d Like To Hate-Fuck"?

kentuckyliz said...

I read that best.sex.ever. article and it taught you how to do these procedures:

* Cleveland Steamer
* Donkey Punch
* Egyptian Teabag
* Gaylord Perry
* Rusty Trombone
* German Knuckle Cake
* Dirty Sanchez
* Change Machine
* Pasadena Mudslide
* Roman Helmet
* Minivan
* Pittsburgh Platter
* Moroccan Meatball
* Bulgarian Gas Mask
* Alabama Hot Pocket
* Disappearing Panda
* Raspberry Beret
* San Juan Capistrano
* Dirty Muskie
* Snowmobile
* Boston Pancake
* Big Boy Combo
* Swiss Army Knife
* Fishhook

Google them at your own risk.

A song to remember them by.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_DEp1lz0CM&feature=PlayList&p=6FA93B2995D6D18C&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=9

Issob Morocco said...

It is you, Ann. ;-)

blake said...

Actually, Kevin, the Siberian Cosmo has articles like: "Shrinkage: Causes and Cures".

ironrailsironweights said...

It's a hell of a lot less work than trying to finger your boyfriend's prostate through his butthole while holding a copy of Cosmo in your other hand.

In The Joy of Sex they call that technique "postillionage." Allegedly, it's also performed in some of the rub 'n' tug Asian massage parlors, though there's usually an extra charge.

Peter

Palladian said...

"In The Joy of Sex they call that technique "postillionage." Allegedly, it's also performed in some of the rub 'n' tug Asian massage parlors, though there's usually an extra charge."

I'll do it for free, though applicants have to meet my fairly strict physical criteria.

brett said...

ahhh the fine line between mindless and brainless...