April 27, 2009

"Sleeping apart has in no way ruined our sex life — if anything, it has made it better."

"First, we are less tired and have more time for each other, and there's something quite erotic in 'visiting' your partner in her bed, then going back to your own room. Sleeping apart makes us calmer, nicer people. We have been very honest with each other and it takes a lot of reassurance to say: 'It isn't you, I just have to get a full night's sleep.'"

Yes, why not sleep apart? Why connect sex and sleeping at all? I think a lot of married couples have a bad sex life because they assume that sex is the last thing to do before falling asleep.

Here's nice tidbit:
Married couple Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton live in separate homes in London, linked by a single corridor.
That's a pretty cool arrangement.

Or maybe something like the Beatles' house:

50 comments:

Peter V. Bella said...

Then, Meade can sleep in the garden?

rhhardin said...

If you're sleeping apart, then sleeping together signals sex.

If you sleep together, some other signal will be invented that sex is on the agenda for the night.

In the absence of which sex doesn't come up.

Sleeping apart is for some other reason, like comfort, or one tossing partner, or snoring.

My dog sleeps on the bed every night but she's very quiet and doesn't mind how I sleep; and she likes to be there.

traditionalguy said...

Going to bed on time is a great idea too. The sex should not always come last, unless you don't love each other. I do agree with this writer that good sleep is a real necessity for people with Mental Activity type of jobs. Plain consideration and patience are the greatest ways to show your affection, and nearly always leads to sex that connects two.

SteveR said...

I am pretty sure Jerry and Elaine exposed the problem with that approach.

dick said...

I was just wondering about the conversation that went on that the couple would even think of telling their friends that they sleep apart and why. I cannot imagine why anyone would even bring the subject up in the first place. Did someone ask them do you sleep together? Was that a signal to blurt it out rather than just say none of your business? Just have trouble figuring out why this ever even came up - and then why it was considered important enough to write a newspaper column about it.

dick said...

Is this the eccentricity of the Brits come to life?

traditionalguy said...

Strangely the Brits are not nearly as shy about lusty Sex as we Puritan descendants here across the pond. The wonder is how they find time to work. This lady has a plan.

David said...

My wife and I are pretty much afternooners. But sleeping together is very comfortable and reassuring.

Trooper York said...

I don't think they mean seperate states. Just sayn'

UWS guy said...

...also old people fart a lot and I can see how that could turn people off of sex under the covers.

Buford Gooch said...

Blogger UWS guy said...

...also old people fart a lot and I can see how that could turn people off of sex under the covers.


Ding, Ding, Ding. That's a winner.

MadisonMan said...

There are many many things in this world I don't care to hear about. How one couple sleeps, and how they enjoy romantic liaisons, is right up there at the top of the list.

Stop talking about yourself is what I want to yell at them. NO ONE CARES! This is such a non-story.

garage mahal said...

Hang in there Meade.

Lem said...

Tim Burton [is] the sort who can't know anyone intimately, least of all a woman. He doesn't know what a woman is. He wants [her] for a possession, something to look at, like a painting or an ivory box. Something to own and to display. He doesn't want [her] to be real, and to think and to live. He doesn't love [her].

Paddy O. said...

I like sleeping (as in sleeping) in the same bed. There's a quality to it that allows for non-intentional interaction, and it's that interaction which is sometimes the most important and pivotal. Sharing, conversation, interaction, presence. That's more than sex.

Just have a big bed with memory foam and you'll enjoy the company and the space.

LUCKY said...

One of my favorite things in the enitre world is waking up next to my best friend in the entire world who happens to be my wife. The few times we have been apart at night when one of us was out of town both of us have a hard time falling asleep without the other.

I guess what ever floats someones boat but I can't imagine not sleeping next to my wife.

knox said...

Sex with Tim Burton? There's not a room far enough away...

Penny said...

Sharing a bed should be special when it isn't ordinary.

Maxine Weiss said...

A good three months before taking vows, Althouse has already thrown the groom out of the marriage bed.

Connubial rights and marital privilege usually mean access, and, access entails proximity.

On the other hand, separate bedrooms, usually indicates.....a separation .

Someone needs to sit Althouse down and explain marriage.

Love,
Maxine

Lem said...

I would put it more delicately than Maxine.

I'm not married but, sleeping apart entails the making of deals.

A Seinfeldian deal comes to mind.

I pity the non-lawyer party ;)

Lem said...

Connubial?, connubial.. Maxine said connubial..

I'm having a conipshit ;)

Ann Althouse said...

This post is not about me!

I'm just saying I think people should think separately about how they want to sleep and how they want to fuck.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

I've always thought conjugal sleep-overs were overrated.

Meade said...

Ahem.

Anyone need to know anything about lawn care? Or maybe when is the proper time to prune your Forsythia shrubs?

Meade said...

Hey, I just made a big pitcher of lemonade! Who likes lemonade?

Meade said...

Maxine?

Lemonade?

Lem said...

What I recall from sleeping with a girlfriend is that the f-ing part is supposed to be spontaneous.

If you have to knock on a door it puts a damper on spontaneity. For me, I think.

David said...

I don't think Maxine likes lemonade. It's gets all sticky.

Allison said...

--The sex should not always come last, unless you don't love each other.

Or have young children. Because if it doesn't come last, it doesn't happen at all. And we make sure it happens.

The idea that one sleeps better alone is counter intuitive to me. I've hated sleeping alone my whole life. Thank God now I'm married and don't have to.

But isn't this a European thing in general? Separate sleeping arrangements are common, I thought? Anyone else care to weigh in on whether the Brits are alone in their weirdness?

David said...

Lem, why knock? Just barge right in. The person on the other side may find that rather thrilling.

Lem said...

Hey.. you people leave Maxine alone ;)

I'm A Feline said...

During his late years - before he won the Nobel Prize, Saul Bellow married a mathematics professor who taught at Northwestern. She lived in Evanston, a suburb north of Chicago; Bellow, who taught at the University of Chicago, lived in that Hyde Park neighborhood on the South Side.

The two of them maintained their separate homes after they were married. It made sense in some ways because they kept their jobs at their respective universities, and commuting to either location is a b***ch unless one lives nearby.

They seemed to like the arrangement, and apparently they felt that it helped keep their marriage vital.

Just sayin'.

Mr. Meade, I would very much like to know when to trim forsythias. Information, please. And a glass of that lemonade wouldn't hurt either.

Lem said...

Lem, why knock? Just barge right in.

I was helping her (mentioned above) spring-clean one time and I discovered a - how can I put this - mr exitement?

We laugh it off, but the competitor remained.

Meade said...

"but the competitor remained"

Li la li... li la li li li li li la la li li li...

Lem said...

Let's ask Don Rumsfeld what he thinks...

Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know".

I guess the door would be a known unknown.

Lem said...

I guess I really should not be commenting since I'm not married.

But if there is a tie, put me in the sleep together column.

BTW Althouse, this sounds like a good Bloggingheads topic (no pun intended)

Beau said...

Anyone need to know anything about lawn care? Or maybe when is the proper time to prune your Forsythia shrubs?
Who knew hydrangeas would become the new 'in' shrub. I'm not complaining, I love all the new varieties and spent a weeks worth of groceries on some gorgeous specimens.

Married 30 years -separate rooms for 23. I like to settle down alone. Look, over there, a butterfly >>>>>>>>>

BJM said...

I don't know about separate bedrooms, but we built two bathrooms & walk-in closet suites off the master with a connecting atrium and large soaking tub. It's so much more civilized.

srfwotb said...

There's a bonding that takes place when you go to sleep night after night (and wake up in) in the same person's arms (whether or not you have sex) that just doesn't happen any other way.

srfwotb said...

The two bathrooms I could go for though. Yes. Definitely two bathrooms.

blake said...

Are people reading this and saying, "Yes, separate bedrooms! That's what we need!"

It's possible, I guess. A few years from now they can run one about the joys of sleeping together.

Largo said...

Meade: "but the competitor remained" ... Li la li... li la li li li li li la la li li li...
---
"I got up to wash my face..."

Meade said...

Jubilation
She loves me again
I fall on the floor and I`m laughing

Meade said...

I'm A Feline: I was kidding, but if you are serious about the Forsythia, cut to the ground half of the thickest shoots every year immediately after inflorescence fades.

sugardwayne said...

A trip to Australia convinced my wife and I there's a better solution. All the "king-size" beds in hotels were actually two beds pushed together, with a locking mechanism. With a pillow-top mattress, you didn't even notice the thin gap.

But what difference it made! I could toss and turn without shaking her side of the bed.

When I got up for a midnight trip to the bathroom, she didn't even stir. This normally elicits a groan and some tossing-and-turning from the missus.

sugardwayne said...

PS: and the Aussie king bed was perfectly suitable for connubial activities!

JimK said...

I have a bedroom separate form my wife by an entire floor of the house. It's the single smartest thing we've ever done as a couple. Since creating the separate rooms, we have never had a fight about temperature, noise, blankets, snoring, etc. I wear a CPAP mask and like it cold, she requires a lot of tucked-in heated blankets. I prefer to read in bed for hours, she likes to watch DVDs for a bit then go to sleep. EVERYTHING about our sleeping habits are diametrically opposed. We also both value the alone time for an hour or two. We are a couple, but we are also still individuals, and those hours give us time to do things the other might not be interested in. I play video games sometimes, or paint, or write, or just watch a crappy TV show she doesn't like. She watches movies I have no interest in seeing but she loves.

Our sex life is, conservatively, ten to twelve times better now. Of course our signals are not really signals, we're blunt. "Wanna fuck?" is a common signal. As is "I could really use some sex like, right now."

As for intimacy? We wake up and end up in my room every morning for coffee & breakfast and chatting and whatnot. My room is off the kitchen, so it just makes sense. We have as much if not more intimacy and no tension from bedroom battles to muck things up. It's perfect for us.

Why I am sharing this I don't know. I suppose I felt defensive. People can be *awfully* judgmental when they find out about our separate bedrooms. I read recently that 25% of married Americans do this though. It should be talked about more often. I think it would remove a LOT of tension from marriages.

Maxine Weiss said...

Yes, lets all reveal our sleeping arrangements in our online profiles.

" 'Visiting' your partner in her bed, then going back to your own room ".....

Marriage is reduced to nothing more than a booty call....and Althouse enthusiastically endorses this, three months before taking her own vows.

Business as usual.

Love,
Maxine

JimK said...

Maxine, you are an idiot.

traditionalguy said...

Can you imagine being maried to Maxine? Nothing you do would be good enough for her, except for writing her large checks, which would cause her to go off to the bank. Yes, Maxine would have his and hers banking arrangements, with her accounts swept nightly into a numbered Swiss account. No one beats Maxine at anything, much less a rich Husband.The sleeping arrangements would be totally her way, and mostly no way.But she is better at everything than anyone else, just ask her.