February 27, 2009

"I hate my last tweet."

Chuck b. hates his last tweet. Let's read it an analyze what's so hateful about it:
Waking up, still in bed, cozy in flannel sheets, with cats. Want coffee. NPR in background. Sunny, clear skies, more rain on Sunday. Good!
I'll start: flannel sheets. They're hateful. Rough, hot. Sheets should be super-smooth and cool. You can have rough, hot sex, but the sheets ought to be super-smooth and cool.

76 comments:

paul a'barge said...

NPR.

Go no further.

chickenlittle said...

Tweeting from bed?

Leland said...

Rough, hot sex? The tweet suggested besides Chuck B, the only other living creature in bed were cats. When that in mind, and oh it is a horrible thought, I don't think the cats cared if the sheets were smooth or cool.

Trooper York said...

Hey Leland there are still a few guys who comment here who like pussy. Just sayn'

Ron said...

Besides, cats hate hot sex on flannel sheets, but flannel sheets and NPR go together like mauve and Indiana!

Maybe tweeting seems like the early days of the telegraph when Lord Cardigan had to give hourly battle updates from the Crimea!

Trooper York said...

Shouldn't tweeting be a slang term for having sex with underage parakeets?

Ron said...

Shouldn't tweeting be a slang term for having sex with underage parakeets?

Isn't this in the same law class about crossing state lines with immoral porpoises?

Jeff with one 'f' said...

"flannel sheets. They're hateful. Rough, hot."

YES. A thousand times, yes!

chickenlittle said...

Mixing birdcalls with cats is asking for it.

tim maguire said...

I see two hatefiul things. One, the arrogance that leads him to believe that anyone could give a crap about how he wants coffee while listening to NPR and waiting for Sunday's rains. Two, the shameless exhibitionism that causes him to tell anyone and everyone who will listen that his sheets are flannel.

What has become of us?

Trooper York said...

Absolutely right Ron. That was how they got Chuck Berry. He was prosecuted in that famous case of Berry vs. Porter Ricks et al in which it was deemed a felony to transport aquatic sea life across state lines for immoral porpises.

But I think they just did that because Chuck was black. They were scared and jealous of his Ding-a-ling.

America was different then.

Ron said...

But I think they just did that because Chuck was black.

I wonder...was his favorite pie Blackberry? Don't you have a poll about that? 'Favorite food named after someone' (ie. Napoleons!)

Jay said...

It's those flannel sheets. I don't think even flannel-wearing loggers have flannel sheets at night. I bet you flannel-wearing loggers have satin sheets. Maybe Chuck B. wears satin to work?

sg said...

Flannel and NPR?

Reminds me of that SNL skit "Delicious Dish" spoofing NPR craft/cooking shows, featuring the flannel-wearing Alec Baldwin as Pete Schweddy.

Good times!

former law student said...

I must disagree with the good professor. Flannel sheets are comfy. In February, sliding into a bed fitted with ordinary sheets sucks all the heat from your body, causing one to form a fetal ball -- not sexy.

Further, women in flannel nightgowns are sexy, because they are warm and cozy. Unless they press the icy soles of their feet against your body for warmth -- that's not sexy.

reader_iam said...

@tim magure:

No one has to follow Chuck B.'s or anyone else's tweets. Just as you don't have to read any particular blogpost.

You'd think that'd be obvious: What has become of us?

Darcy said...

Exactly, reader.

Nothin' wrong with flannel sheets, chuck b.

Michael Hasenstab said...

I don't blame Chuck B for hating his last Tweet. Flannel sheets, cat, NPR, well that's just the perfect trifecta of metro-ness now isn't it?

I do hope that this wasn't Chuck B's last Tweet in the eternal sense of "last".

A last pronouncement should at least mention God, country, Mom, the children, the flag, having lived a joyful life, forgiveness of trespasses, confessions to unsolved murders, the location of the hidden millions, the GPS coordinates for the elephants' graveyard, the secret herbs and spices formula for KFC, singing a song from Titanic, the twelve-step program summarized into one quick step, the distribution of assets, the name of the mysterious woman who will show up at the grave site dressed in black and carrying one red rose, and the reason why Billy Joe McAlister jumped off the Chatahoochee Bridge.

Although the Twitter word limit may make this difficult.

traditionalguy said...

Today's electric blankets have a his and a her side to set for different heat control numbers. But, learn not set your side on high to warm it up faster and then fall asleep in a slow cooker. Also, if cold sheets for one minute seems to be a hardship to you, then you are SPOILED ROTTEN! Flannel sheets must be for comforting lonely people with memories of childhood.

save_the_rustbelt said...

Real men do not listen to NPR.

Real men can have hot, rough sex on any kind of sheets, or no sheets at all.

And if the sheets are cool, get busy!

TitusBreathIn1234andout1234 said...

I find the thought of tweeting unsettling. Do you really need to put your minute by minute thoughts and actions to computer? Who gives a shit?

Do you want to hear about my morning shit? I thought not. Why would you care about the fact that I am in bed with a cat listening to the radio.

Tweeting is way too much information.

Also, flannel sheets are very tired. Sorry/

TitusBreathIn1234andout1234 said...

Flannel sheets don't get chizz out very well.

I did it with a guy that had black flannel sheets once. He turned off the lights and his sheets looked like a Jackson Pollack painting...all chizz shots everywhere. I left. It was gross.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

Just don't have flannel bed sheets and try to wear flannel pajamas....you'll be stuck and never able to turn over...trapped like a fly on a sheet of flypaper.

600 count sheets with a heavy weight down comforter topped with a woolen blanket for more comforting weight and a hip length jersey knit T-shirt FTW...

chickenlittle said...

Now that Titus, was hilarious!

former law student said...

traditionalguy said...
Today's electric blankets


Real traditional guys do not sleep under an electric grid. Wool and flannel were good enough for our forebears, and they are good enough for me.

Meade said...

"YES. A thousand times, yes!"

I'll have what Jeff with one 'f' is having!

traditionalguy said...

Former law student... You are correct. But the traditionalwife has to buy new stuff with all of her coupons. That's her way of hunting, and I have to be impressed by her trophy purchases, especially at Christmas. The true Hunt at stores is to find something not made in China. No winners yet this year.The only use for the Electric Blanket is to pre-heat the bed, and turn the damn thing off before you climb in. I am spoiled rotten too. I doubt Gov. Palin needs a bed warmer electric blanket, even when it's 60 below outside.

Great White Father George said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Great White Father George said...

Red State Version:

Bone weary, Red Wings hurt. Cold Kentucky rain. Cock crows. Want sleep. Dave Ramsey. Cloudy, bright on Sunday. Jesus.

dave™© said...

So I see Jindal is finally admitting his big "story" about the boats and the sheriff was a big fat lie.

Do you think Blithering Idiot will crawl out of her wine box long enough to comment on this shocking - SHOCKING - turn of events?

fcai said...

Flannel sheets are very cozy.

But clearly the prof is wrong on this as she is on many subjects - shorts, Titus, Obama, NPR and so on.

Maybe it has to do with how those sheets are laundered. Mine are never rough. But I am no more willing to share how I do my laundry than I am to discuss loaves. Or fishes. Or tacos.

Palladian said...

"Chuck B's last Tweet" .... didn't Samuel Beckett write that?

Alex said...

I swear every single leftist blog is filled with utter hate for Republicans. They practically say "All GOPers to the gas".

Alex said...

dave - as we know all Republicans are liars. Lying liars. But Democrats are as pure as the wind-driven snow. Ask William Jefferson for a character statement.

ricpic said...

The spirit of the age demands that even the over fifty set
Cheerlead for rough hot sex or worse yet, participate;
Better to leave that frenzy to the young and hormone rich:
It's really not that great, plus next day your back's not a bitch.

garage mahal said...

Trademark Dave!

SteveR said...

My thoughts on your thoughts

I agree, real men don't listen to NPR which raises another question. Do real men tweet?

Sheets have nothing to do with sex, if they do you have other problems.

As for the mystery of why Billie Joe McAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge, I agree with father, "well, Billie Joe never had a lick o' sense,"

k*thy said...

DBQ - agreed. Flannel on flannel doesn't work. You can't move.

blake said...

On a scale of embarrassing spur-of-the-moment outbursts, it's maybe a 4 (out of 10).

Darcy said...

Of course real men tweet!

And LOL, ricpic.

TitusBreathIn1234andout1234 said...

Why would someone lie about such a stupid story?

Today is a bad day for us. Jindal lies about his Katrina story and now James Dobson resigns.

What next? There is no such thing as intelligent design?

Palladian said...

Why, there's that brilliant, subtle Titus-brand satire we've all been told we love so much!

Meade said...

Yes, Palladian... but it's easy to see that you always have been and will always be... her favorite --
lovably super-smooth and cool.

Lem said...

What next?

Althouse is playing with the fonts.. again.

Smilin' Jack said...

No one has to follow Chuck B.'s or anyone else's tweets.

I picture Ann breathlessly scrutinizing each tweet as it comes in, her impatient fingers twitching on the keyboard--There might be some hidden racism in this one--there just might!

BJM said...

DBQ: 600 count sheets with a heavy weight down comforter topped with a woolen blanket for more comforting weight and a hip length jersey knit T-shirt FTW...

Yikes, you been peeking in my windows?

Add a couple live bed warmers, aka cats, on the foot of the bed to tuck cold feet under.

Trooper York said...

When Tweety Bird first burst on the scene, she caused a sensation in Cartoon Town. The Avian community was enchanted by her sweet and wholesome sex appeal. Many of Cartoon towns Lothario’s rushed to hit on her. Senator Foghorn Leghorn offered her a job as intern with the Foreign Relations committee in the hope of some more personal relations. Tommy the Toucan kept sending her boxes of cereal and telling her he would eat pecans out of her shit, he loved her so much. Daffy Duck stuttered even more than usual when he tried to ask her out. But she spurned all of them as she wanted to stay chaste until she married. Her father Billy Ray had been a one hit wonder and was watching out for her and keeping these pigs at bay. But then one day, she met Top Cat. And all bets were off.
(Tweeting my ass through Tinseltown, The Tweety Bird Story, By Tweety Bird, Warner Brothers Pocket Books, 1989)

reader_iam said...

@Smilin' Jack: You do?!?

TitusJustShotaLoad said...

I just shot a load fellow republicans.

I was jerking off to a video of thugs who just got out of prison and were really inked up.

It was hot.

The load went everywhere.

I had to pee immediately afterward.

Why doesn't pee and sperm ever meet? I always wondered that.

TitusJustShotaLoad said...

After I shoot a load I want to do the following things in the following order:

1) piss
2) eat
3) sleep

What do you guys want to do after shooting a load?

tim maguire said...

Way to miss the point there, reader_iam. Please go back and reread my post and notice that I was talking about the motives of the person writing, not the people reading.

TitusJustShotaLoad said...

I also like to wait for my chizz to dry on my leg and then lightly untangle it from the hair on my leg. I find that titillating.

Did you all know there are more tanning beds in large cities than McDonalds and Starbucks?

Trooper York said...

Top Cat was one smooth and sexy dude. I mean he was the leader of a gang of cats from Do or Die Bed Stuy and he never went anywhere without his posse. He was a pioneer in the precursor to rap in the spoken word musical area as he was a cat that did some jazzy scat. Tweety was enraptured by his tough guy appeal. His scars from when he was shot. He had nine lives so he had been in some tough scrapes before. So he seemed very sexy to the young and innocent sweet little chickadee. She first met him when he did a scat interlude in her first big hit “Baby Tweet me one more time.” She couldn’t keep her feathers closed around him.
(Tweeting my ass through Tinseltown, The Tweety Bird Story, By Tweety Bird, Warner Brothers Pocket Books, 1989)

TitusJustShotaLoad said...

My toilet overflowed again today. I saw the guy earlier today and asked how is ceiling was doing and he said fine.

An hour later I pinched a loaf and the toilet overflew. I ended propping the door open because I knew he would be running up shortly.

I was like bitch, yeah, I know, it overflowed, I am calling a plumber. Now either get in here and pull out your hog or run downstairs. He is a total freak. He moves a mile a minute. I just want to put him in a chair, tie him up and splew all over him.

TitusJustShotaLoad said...

While splewing on him, with each shoot, I would say, take that you freak, slow down, what's the big hurrry.

Meade said...

"What do you guys want to do after shooting a load?"

Get married.

TitusJustShotaLoad said...

Get Married?

God Meade that is depressing.

If someone is here and we actually splew I am on the phone calling a cab immediately afterwards or pointing them to the bus stop.

No minature golf the next morning here. No breaky either. Get your fucking breaky somehwere else what's your name.

reader_iam said...

@tim maguire:

That was clear quite at the time, thanks.

TitusJustShotaLoad said...

Would anyone here like to pull apart my dried chiz on the hair of my legs?

I would let you if you want to.

We could put it in a little tupperware containor for safe keeping.

TitusJustShotaLoad said...

I took multiple loaves today and one of them was like turning on a fawcett at full blast.

It actually hurt when it gushed out.

Imagine some dam bursting. That is what is was like. It really stank too, almost as bad as Indian breath.

Matt Eckert said...

Has anybody seen the envelope?

Meade said...

"God Meade that is depressing"

Just Meade, Titus. You and I don't need to be so formal with each other.

chickenlittle said...

one of them was like turning on a fawcett at full blast.

Did you have that poster in your room too?

Jason (the commenter) said...

what's so hateful about it

I don't think it's the content, so much as the style. Chuck b. likes complete sentences, elegant phrasing, some semblance of thoughtfulness in his tweets. The kind of things you'd expect from a gardener. Someone who plants things in the soil and waits years for them to achieve their final form. And this tweet is just a bunch of ideas thrown together without much thought. Busy! The tweet of someone not connected to the earth. The type of person who wont stop to smell the roses. Not Chuck b.'s type of person at all.

Trooper York said...

Chuck b is a lot calmer than he was when he was in Public Enemy.

He's not even mad that Flavor Flav got the reality show with all the crack whores. He's just wistful really. Mellow.

He really enjoys the weed. It's a chronic condition. So to speak.

Penny said...

Tim Maquire asks, "What has become of us?"

No "us" in narcissism.

RLB_IV said...

"What do you guys want to do after shooting a load?"
Reload and yell "pull".

The best sheets: silk...
add a goose down comforter or two depending where you live.

RLB_IV said...

As for tweeting from bed...get a life.

Chip Ahoy said...

A lady at the tea party walked over and stood directly in front of me today. She was wearing a dark blue pea coat or some sort of crushed felt overcoat. The back was covered, and I mean COVERED, with pet hair.

The powerful impulse to say something like, "Howz the cats?," was fiercely squelched by my internal editor. Now, that's maturity!

This has nothing to do with flannel sheets, which I'm for, even in summer as substitute for a blankets, but cats in the bed reminded me of her. Can you imagine pet hair on everything? A tape roller would be futile.

ptuh, ptuh, pfffffthuh.

Ralph said...

Titus, why and how are you squirting on your leg? Doesn't it hurt to bend your engorged hog downward, or do you have a Gonzo dick?

When we moved my sister, her two cats had left a white stripe of hair across the full width of the back of her maroon sofa. In less than two years. Several years later, I ended up with the cats, and they gave me chronic diarrhea for ten years. Other cats don't bother me.

Trooper York said...

Dude you shouldn't wipe your ass with the cats. Use a sock like Titus does.

Ralph said...

I ended up with the cats; my end wasn't catted.

former law student said...

What do you guys want to do after shooting a load?

It varies.

Sometimes, wait till the refractory period is over.

Othertimes, just snuggle and go to sleep.

Paleo Pat said...

"Further, women in flannel nightgowns are sexy, because they are warm and cozy. Unless they press the icy soles of their feet against your body for warmth -- that's not sexy."

That and their cold butts on your back... *shudder*

Ann Althouse said...

"That and their cold butts on your back... *shudder*:"

If you were in love, you would love that too.

Pat said...

Well said, Ann.

Nothing says "love" quite like icy feet (or butt) pressed firmly against one's warmer parts.

It can be a bit shocking at first (just like love) but once those aforementioned icy parts warm up to body temperature again, the rewards can be immoderate (if I recall correctly).

Isn't that what love's all about? Wanting to help your partner to become the best (in this case meaning warmest) they can be?