August 10, 2008

"The premise that men are hunters by nature and prefer women who are beguiling, elusive, leggy and hard to get."

Remember "The Rules"?

Co-author Ellen Fein is in the wedding announcements today:
In July 2001, she went with five girlfriends to a singles weekend at Club Getaway, a sleep-away camp for adults in Kent, Conn....

The cutest on the dance floor, she thought, was Lance Houpt, a lean, athletic man with longish, grayish hair that suggested the 1970s. Since she was interested in him, she did not speak to him or even make eye contact. That would be against the Rules.

“I just said to myself, ‘He’ll either walk up to me at some point or we’ll never speak and that’s that,’ ” she recalled. “I would never have initiated it, never in my life. Forget it. He’s got to like me as much as I like myself."
Blah blah blah.... the Rules worked. So doll yourself up, get out there and be where you can be seen, but don't look interested... or whatever. What the hell are all those rules? Better buy the book, because Ellen got Lance(d), and you didn't.

Great PR!

35 comments:

Pogo said...

Some men are hunters by nature. Some of them do prefer beguiling, elusive, leggy women who are hard to get.

Other hunters prefer anything that moves (Clinton). Some want the best looking woman, damn the personality (ask Charlie Sheen).Still others (John Edwards) just want a little something on the side.

Some men do prefer to be pursued, however she is not interested in that sort of man, nor are her readers.

Her rules are simple, conservative southern belle dictums, restating rules that in the 1920s - 1950s era were common knowledge. "No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date" and "Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)" are good examples.

That these are seen as unusual merely exposes how far removed from any sense of tradition we now are.

Her 2001 book "The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work" was released in the midst of her divorce from her first husband. That had to hurt...

AllenS said...

It's a lot easier just getting them drunk. And if they're not that good looking, get drunk yourself.

Middle Class Guy said...

AllenS said...
It's a lot easier just getting them drunk. And if they're not that good looking, get drunk yourself.

Ah, the old- the only difference between a fox and a dog is two beers.

Dave said...

Here's my advice to women. If you look like Angelina Jolie, you can afford to pursue this strategy, as lots of men are going to approach you no matter what you do. For everyone else, I would recommend letting a man know when you're interested. Most of the time, if a woman doesn't make eye contact with me and smile at me, I won't even bother with her. I just assume she's not interested, which is fine, and move on. I don't want to harass some poor woman who finds me repulsive, see? But if a woman smiles at me, I figure she thinks I'm cute and so I might as well talk to her.

Women need to realize that it's very hard for a guy to approach a woman in a public place without attracting the attention of a dozen other people within earshot who will then become an audience to his flirtations either for general amusement or out of concern for the woman's safety. Because of this, a lot of guys simply aren't going to walk up to a woman browsing the shelves in Borders who hasn't sent them some kind of signal.

vet66 said...

Most women know how to play the game. Recently a woman asked me to get a product on the top shelf at the supermarket. When I extended to obtain the desire product I became aware she was checking out my butt! When I gave her the item I told her "I feel so cheap, so used!" With a smile of course.

A sense of humor is the ultimate turn-on and way to make friends.

Telle said...

Her rules are simple, conservative southern belle dictums, restating rules that in the 1920s - 1950s era were common knowledge.

This is one of the most fun things of watching the 60s generation and their children get old.

When they were in college, they tore down all the social mores and ripped up the rule books.

Now they make a big deal over (and lots of money selling each other) books that restate the same rules they once tore up.

Flash! This just in! The baby boomers just realized that the people that came before them weren’t all unperceptive idiots about human nature.

rhhardin said...

I'd suggest taking up a good hobby instead.

Zeb Quinn said...

"No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date"

My recollection of the rules before about 1962 was there was to be no kissing whatsoever on the first or second dates.

Pogo said...

My recollection of anything before about 1962 was mostly that of my mother's heartbeat.

Zeb Quinn said...

I was 13 in 1962, with a sister 5 years older than me who was lectured to and watched like a hawk by my mother and my aunts. For whatever reason it made a big impression on me.

Trooper York said...

The problem for most guys is they don't have the balls to walk up to a woman and start to talk to them in a normal way. If you do, 9 out of 10 times you will get shot down.And you are right the peanut gallery will bust your balls. But you can't let that stop you.

Remember for men, there is only one "Rule."

They are all pink on the inside.

AllenS said...

I just remembered another rule: if it has tits or wheels, sooner or later it will cause you problems.

Paul Snively said...

Ellen Fein: He’s got to like me as much as I like myself.

Er, so she spends a lot of time making eye contact with herself and talking to herself? Personally, I would find that a little off-putting.

rhhardin said...

I always used ``What's your sign?'' with women at scientific conferences.

Very humorless bunch.

vbspurs said...

I always used ``What's your sign?'' with women at scientific conferences.

LOL!

Dave said...

To follow up on some of the comments, I do think one of the big problems is that men just don't know how to talk to women. I live in an area with lots of young people and I tend to frequent public dance lessons and things of that sort in order to find socially acceptable places to approach strange women. I'll ask a woman to dance if I'm attracted to her regardless of whether she sends me any signals. Most will dance with me but I often find that I haven't the foggiest idea of what to talk about while we're dancing. Once the dance is over, she thanks me and that's that. Sure, I make small talk, but I find that to be especially unromantic and I suspect most women do too.

As a single man in my thirties, I tend to find that there are lots of women that I'd be happy with but I usually end up becoming just friends with them. Maybe that's an argument for being friends first before anything romantic or sexual ensues. The problem is that women are notorious for refusing to let friendships blossom into anything romantic or sexual. I think at the end of the day, all women ultimately want to be ferreted away by a prince on a white horse in a whirlwind romance. Trouble is there are very few princes and even fewer white horses.

vbspurs said...

Some men are hunters by nature

Pogo, human beings are by nature hunters.

We women simply use a different kind of arrow in our quiver.

Cheers,
Victoria

Zeb Quinn said...

Another rule from the olden days was that a girl never telephoned a boy. Ever. Not for any reason.

Trooper York said...

Dave, you gotta get em drunk dude.

Pogo said...

"We women simply use a different kind of arrow in our quiver."

I tried putting a different kind of arrow in her quiver, but she slapped me.

Bruce Hayden said...

I really do think that it depends on both the guy and the girl. I am somewhat passive and (at least used to be) shy, so am used to having women pursue me. Sure, I open the door early on, but after that, I figure that they are the ones who want a relationship more, so why should I do all the work.

Let me suggest though that there are a lot of players out there who believe that the way to get beautiful women is to make them a little insecure and get them pursuing you. There is apparently a fine art of putting them down just a little bit without insulting them.

When I have been successful at it, it hasn't been intentional. Fiancé, for example, has never had to run after guys in her life. She put herself through college on a dance scholarship augmented by modeling (back when models could still have figures). Tall, thin, busty, and with cheekbones better than they get with implants. All natural.

So, we met at a bar one night. I was flirting with a lot of women that night, including her, but not making any moves on any of them. If they asked, I would dance with them, but nothing more. She was with one possessive guy after another, and so I just smiled at her whenever she wasn't occupied. At the end of the night, as we walked by each other, she told me to either dance with her or quit looking. I said fine. We spent the rest of the evening talking at the bar waiting for her friend to wrap up. Instead of facing her though, we both mostly sat side by side watching the people. I think that the last time I ever initiated anything by calling her up was the next day.

The thing is, that I am one of the few guys who never ran after her. I also don't spend all my time telling her how beautiful she is, like every other guy she meets. If she asks, which is rare, I tell her, of course. But I am also the only guy she can trust to be objective about her looks.

But most women don't know that they can control a room and every male in it if they want to. Rather, they are at least a little insecure about their attractions. The elusiveness presumably makes them more attractive for those male hunters.

vbspurs said...

I tried putting a different kind of arrow in her quiver, but she slapped me.

The Lancôme Oscillation Mascara?

Pogo said...

Women have in fact pursued me, but mostly when I left my bag of Corn Nuts, tube socks, and ear wax remover on the counter at WalMart.

Although a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

Pogo said...

"The Lancôme Oscillation Mascara?"

I just got a tingle up my leg.
Erotica?
Neuropathy?
Mice?
Or am I voting for Obama?

vbspurs said...

Wow, Bruce, what a great story to tell the grandkids (I'm serious).

But most women don't know that they can control a room and every male in it if they want to. Rather, they are at least a little insecure about their attractions. The elusiveness presumably makes them more attractive for those male hunters.

Good observation.

As to The Rules, I would echo Telle's post in that they are trying to recapture an old-fashioned sensibility about the sexes lost during the Counter-Culture.

I suppose I should like that, because I feel the 60s-70s were the most corrosive period in modern world culture, save for the 20s-30s.

But I do not like The Rules and the women who wrote them because they are narrow and often ridiculous because of them. They also do not take into account that even the strictest societies knowingly treated their dating Rules with sly-foxed cynicism.

My great-grandmother wasn't allowed to be alone with her fiancé without a female chaperone in the room, often an aged aunt.

But the chaperone often pretended she had fallen asleep, so the young couple could snatch a kiss and hold hands.

Where's that sense of humanity in The Rules?

Cheers,
Victoria

Freeman Hunt said...

Another rule from the olden days was that a girl never telephoned a boy. Ever. Not for any reason.

That's an important one and probably the most often violated.

Revenant said...

The premise that men are hunters by nature and prefer women who are beguiling, elusive, leggy and hard to get.

I like easy women who make the first move. Maybe my ancestors were fishermen instead of hunters?

vbspurs said...

Maybe my ancestors were fishermen instead of hunters?

All they do is sit around and reminisce about The One Who Got Away.

You would never have been conceived, Rev.

rhhardin said...

A sense of humor is the ultimate turn-on and way to make friends.

Just the opposite.

I remember a complaint brought about it.

My boss came in and discussed the situation. I stood my ground.

``Well, don't talk to women'' were his parting words.

Ann Althouse said...

"all women ultimately want to be ferreted away by a prince on a white horse in a whirlwind romance."

That's funny. I want to horse around with a man on a white ferret.

AlgonquinS said...

When women approach me, and ask: "Is that a teepee in your pants, or are you just glad to see me?" I know I'm in for a good time.

Middle Class Guy said...

Trooper York said...
Dave, you gotta get em drunk dude.



Beer Warning:
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

blake said...

The rules are only for those who want to play the game.

But all's fair in love and war, so aren't those who follow the rules guaranteed to lose?

vbspurs said...

But all's fair in love and war, so aren't those who follow the rules guaranteed to lose?

Considering that so many women have followed The Rules (or variations of them, given era and culture) and have "gotten" men to marry them, I'd say no.

In fact, this is why I don't like The Rules. The purpose is to land a man, and that's almost too stark in its neediness for me.

If it were about gracious living, or behaviour tips for a lady towards a gentleman, that's one thing.

But this is about making sure you land yourself a meal ticket.

Cheers,
Victoria

blake said...

That's neither love nor war, Victoria.

That's commerce.