June 10, 2008

Was Justice Scalia smoking cigarettes with Sarah Jessica Parker?

The Legal Times gets the story straight:
... Justice Scalia did not need a cigarette. But when Parker asked for a light for hers, he provided it (as any Old World-style gentleman like Scalia would, we might add).
And he did not rush over to her and gush about how much he loved "Sex and the City" and was psyched about seeing the movie. You hear? There was no rush and gush.

My beloved commenters, you know what you need to do. Write your own Nino & SJP dialogue.

ADDED: So far, Bob is winning.

34 comments:

paul a'barge said...

Cigars.

Nino must smoke cigars, thus he had a lighter.

Cool.

Bob said...

SJP: You know, I appreciate the light, but you're a real meanie on the court.

SCALIA: (brushes his fingers along his chin in an Italian gesture) I only lit your cigarette to speed up the process of your death by lung cancer, you horse-faced slut.

Lawgiver said...

SJP: Gotta light big fella?

Nino: I usually fire up beautiful women with the molten sexuality that radiates from my eyes but seeing that you're no Ann Althouse I'll use a lighter.

Ruth Anne Adams said...

Nino: Care for a light?

SJP: Clops hoof once for 'yes.'

Nino: Let's see your precious Mr. Big do dat.

Ruth Anne Adams said...

ADDED: So far, Bob is winning.

And SJP is whinnying.

Ruth Anne Adams said...

Poor Matthew Broderick! He wakes up with a horse head in his bed every day!

[It's just business.]

AllenS said...

SJP: "Got a light?"

Nino: "Sure." [lights cigarette]

SJP: "Is that a cigar under your robe, or are you just glad to see me?"

mcg said...

Nino: What do you take me for, Bill Clinton?

mcg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mcg said...

I was looking for some apropos video and stumbled on this instead. You can guess how, I'll bet.

Cedarford said...

SJP - "Wanna cigarette?"
AS - Does a Sicilian shrug. "Nah, and I don't party either and I'm not lonely, lady. Fuggitaboutit"
SJP - Whinnies at the mistake AS made regarding her profession. "Well, gotta light?"
AS - "But of course". Lights her smoke as she shakes her tawny hairlocks away from the flame.
SJP - "I know you."
AS - "Yeah, Breyer helped make me a celebrity."
SJP - "But you don't know me?"
AS - "You're Bloom's wife. Tight shorts on a boat in a Bruce Willis movie. Not that I watched it. I'm Catholic. Clarence mentioned it after he rented the video.
SJP - "You never saw "Sex in the City"?
AS- "Like I said, I'm Catholic and as judge, finder of facts, not seeker of NYC depravities and perfect sex mates. I have 8 kids already."
SJP - "Oh, that's sad."
AS - Reaching down in the park, pulls up a big clump of grass. "Smoking is sad. You would be happier chewing on this fresh hay.."

Bob said...

I think Cedarford just took the lead.

dbp said...

SJP: Hey justice, have you got a light?

Nino: Here you go missy, (lights her cigarette)

SJP: Is that a cigar in your pocket or did you just get aroused by lighting my smoke?

Nino: I will admit to being aroused, and won't be surprised if the feeling is mutual.

SJP: I am sort of tingly...

Nino: Women sense my power and they are attracted to it. I do not fear women, but I will not let them take my puritiy of essense...

SJP: Oh--kay..(She backs out of the room)

Ron said...

SJP: So what kind of hair did you leave on the Coke can, one from your gomar, or one from your unibrow?

Nino: Gosh, I can't wait for the Square Pegs movie, Mrs. Bueller!

LarsPorsena said...

This thread is setting a new record for LOL posts.

AllenS said...

SJP: "Got a light?"

Nino: "Sure." [lights cigarette]

SJP: "Do you know who I am."

Nino: "Sure, you're Tutela Valui."

Chip Ahoy said...

Parker: With cigarette hanging from the corner of her mouth. "Gotta light?"

Scalia: Reaches under robe, produces flash light, flicks it on, illuminates her face.

Parker: "Not that kind of light, ,Dipshit."

Scalia: I thought those things were illegal in New York."

Parker: "They are. But I'm Sarah Jessica Parker, presently the Queenof New York"

Scalia: Reaches under robe, produces flame thrower, completely immolates Parker.

MaƮtre de: "Cleanup, table six!"

Michael_H said...

SJP: Got a light?
NS: (Flicks a Zippo) I see your friend got the message.
SJP: Big Brown? Yeah, I gave him the message. He wasn't happy.
NS: He did good.
SJP: He didn't want his ankles broke like the last one.
NS: Eight Belles was stupid. It was all worked out, she just had to stay in the middle, that's all. She shoulda known.
SJP: (Sobs)You hurt my friends!
NS: (Laughs) They had a chance. They knew the deal. They shoulda took the message when Barbaro 'broke his foot'.
SJP: I hate you.
NS: Hate me? You hate me? I'll show you hate. I'm canceling all your credit cards except Sears.

Ron said...

SJP: Black, black, black! Before Labor Day no less! Why did you meanies have to keep Sandra Day O'Connor in fashion Gitmo for so long?

Scalia: I'll bet you think Marbury vs. Madison is about the problems the Knicks point guard has with the Garden fans, don't you?

theobromophile said...

SJP: Got a light?

Nino: (Reaches under robe, produces gold-plated lighter, and lights her cigarette.)

SJP: What else do you have underneath your robes?

theobromophile said...

SJP: Got a light?

Nino: (Procures lighter, lights cigarette, studies her face.) Do I know you from somewhere?

SJP: I'm a television star.

Nino: I didn't know that Mr. Ed had a wife.

Tituslovewilltearusapart..some day said...

SJP-thanks for the light big boy. I have a colorist that can do much better than the color in the bottle that you are currently using. It's all wrong, too dark and looks....are you ready....don't hate me...really gay.

Trooper York said...

SJP: Do you have a light?
Nino: Sure.
SJP: Who’s that weirdo stalker behind the plant over there?
Nino: That’s Simon. He’s with me.

1970_baby said...

SJP: (eyeing Scalia suspiciously, cigarette in hand) (looks away)

Scalia: Do you need a light, miss?

SJP: yes, thank you. (lights up)) But don't think I agree with your politics just because you gave me a light.

Scalia: of course not, miss.

SJP: And stop staring at my body, you old pervert!

Scalia: Sorry miss- its difficult when you are wearing 2 band-aids and a codpiece. I'll try to look at your mole and giant teeth instead.

Host with the Most said...

"So glad to be free of those pompous self-important law profs", Nino thought to himself as walked out onto the sidewalk, free for an intermission from the NYU-sponsored seminar "Conservatives on the Court: Evil, or Just Wrong?". He took a deep cleansing breath. "Thank God, smokin' time!"

Pulling the plain, elegant cigarette case (it had once been owned by Bogart) from his inside coat pocket, Nino surveyed the midday Manhattan landscape. "The city of the beautiful people", he thought sullenly. "Like her". His eyes remained on the thin, exceptionally well-attired blond. "Nice figure, sweet cut. Wait a second. I've seen her before. But where?". With his Marlboro firmly between his right thumb and index finger, he sauntered over in her general direction. She was standing half-facing away from him. He walked closer. 30 feet. 15 feet. Suddenly, her head turned towards him.

Michael_H said...

SJP: Nino? Nino? Is that you?

TitusInABlackRobe: (Coughs) Yes, it's me.

SJP: Do you have a cold? You don't sound like yourself.

TitusInABlackRobe: It's me, dearie. And I'm fabulous.

SJP: Huh? you were so...so..so..Italian last time we met. (takes cigarette out of pack)

TitusInABlackRobe: Here, let me light your smelly ciggy with this fabulous lighter I bought in Fire Island last week. (flicks Liberace model zippo)

SJP: Wait...now that I see your face in the light...you're not Nino! Who are you? Why is your dog peeing on my hoof?

TitusInABlackRobe: I'm not Nino! (dramatically throws off robe)

SJP: Eeeek! What do you want??

TitusInABlackRobe: Not you, bitch. But if you don't give me the one thing I want, my killer clumber will chew on your other hoof!

SJP: Anything! Just don't hurt my shoes! Tell me what you want!

TitusInABlackRobe: Nathan Lane's phone number.

George said...

SJP: O, Mr. Justice, do you have a match?

Scalia: Yeah, my assize and your farce.

1970_baby said...

Titus is the winner

PatCA said...

SJP: "Horse faced slut"? (teasingly) Sir, you wound me.

Nino: You know what they say...I can't define porn, but I know it when I see it.

SJP: (smiling up at him) But my show is about a healthy interest in sex!

Nino: And the line between protected pornography and unprotected obscenity lies between appealing to a good healthy interest in sex and appealing to a depraved interest...

SJP: (brushing his cheek with a kiss) "Whatever that means."

She turns on her Manohlos and sashays off, leaving Nino speechless, staring after her.

Seven Machos said...

SJP: walks alone into a mostly empty bar.

Scalia, the bartender, looks up and briefly, flirtatiously smiles.

SJP: sits at a stool and, in silence, pulls out a cigarette.

Scalia: pulls out a Zippo, deftly flips it open, and reaches over to light her cigarette. As he's lighting, he says, "So, pal, why the long face?"

Mortimer Brezny said...

SJP: Thanks for the light.

SCALIA: Not a problem. Just make sure to say hello to Ferris for me.

SJP: That is soooo original. I never get that.

SCALIA (peeved): You'd better hope you never end up in Guantanamo!

SJP: Does that involve hunting with Dick Cheney?

SCALIA (smirking): As if a shot in the face isn't exactly the ticket!

SIMON DODD (handing over shotgun): Here, sir.

SCALIA (waving him off): No, no, peon. This is Sarah Jessica Parker. Not Sandra Day O'Connor. Put that thing away.

Tituslovewilltearusapart..some day said...

I do not have a Liberace lighter-if there is such a thing.


I am the winner. Where is my free giveaway?

Can I pick between the faux Barbara Bush pearls and Morning In America mug? They must be in your stash somewhere.

Michael_H said...

Liberace lighter here. http://www.bobsliberace.com/archive/smoke/smoke12.html

MTfromCC said...

Nino: My friends often call me "Large"

SJP: Male member?

Nino: No, ego.