April 2, 2008

"For those of you who carry just a wallet, how the heck do you do it?"

Dr. Helen got sick of carrying a purse, but finds it hard to edit down to just a wallet. She asks for advice. I was a staunch purse-avoider for many years. I was over 40 before I started carrying a purse and even then, I did it only some of the time. So I'm almost an expert.

First, get a very slim wallet. Dr. Helen links to the one she bought, and I can see from the picture that it is way too bulky. It's made of thick, pebbly leather and folds over twice. Ugh! This beautifully designed wallet by Comme Des Garcons is the best slim wallet I've ever encountered. Yes, I wish it were cheaper, but it's a beautiful design. When you're wearing pants with decent pockets, you can carry that in one pocket and your keys in the other.

But if you need anything more — cell phone, lipstick — it's might get too bulky. A jacket can add some pockets, but the best solution is really a very small purse with a thin shoulder strap. And that's probably more comfortable and free than stuffing things in your pockets. The right kind of tiny purse with your essential things can be put inside a larger handbag, so that it's easy to switch from heavy to light. For example, I love this big bag, and I can put my laptop, papers, multiple pairs of glasses, cameras, books and everything in it, along with the much smaller bag that is easily taken out and used separately.

Finally, don't think so much about how annoying the big bag is. Look at the problem in a positive way. It's interesting to try to figure out ways to do all sorts of things more efficiently. The handbag issue is just one example of the many things in life that could be simplified and improved. It's good to develop your awareness of this and to enjoy thinking creatively about how to become more efficient. For example, think of how encumbered you are by the project of consuming several meals a day — all that shopping, cooking, chewing, cleaning up. The equivalent of the skinny wallet here is the Posh Spice approach to food — no meals, just a restricted set of snack items. Posh has chosen soy beans, pretzels, diet Coke. I think you could put together a much better selection, like maybe smoked almonds, carrots, and latte.

Travel light!

ADDED: Dr. Helen blames women for the lack of pockets in women's clothes. She states that women are "slaves to fashion." Eh. Some are. Some aren't. Here's her evidence:
Try going to the opening of a local Sephora (a make-up store, for those of you who aren’t “in the know”) and watch the parade of women swoon and swarm through the store as if they are on a drug-induced high. Then take a look at the puzzled faces of the men or boys they’ve dragged to the place while they watch the mysterious behavior of these women who are practically foaming at the mouth about make-up and tell me that this fashion — along with a lust for purses — is anything but the desire of the women themselves doing the longing.
But I've been lusting and longing for beautiful women's clothes with well-designed pockets for decades. That doesn't cause it to be in the stores. I think free markets work pretty well, but I still don't believe what is in the stores equates to what we really want.

But I must say, I was in Sephora the other day (to spend $22 for lip balm — "sweet and tart blackcurrant oil cushions the lips with plumping fatty acids"), and the women were in some crazy dream world. One woman raves to another that this cosmetics line is all natural, and the other oohs with excitement and surprise. But some women had in fact dragged men along with them, and way these men looked made me want to slap them back to consciousness and shout at them to get the hell out of there. I'm not saying that men must be very masculine or that there's something wrong with a man who actually wants to go into Sephora and buy something. (They have plenty of men's products, and beautiful salesladies will eagerly help you select great gifts for women.) But these particular men looked as though they had atrophied into mere appendages of women. They were willingly and weakly standing there discussing the women's products. They were placidly accepting their diminished existence. That's how I saw it anyway.

94 comments:

Trooper York said...

"I think you could put together a much better selection, like maybe smoked almonds, carrots, and latte."

Pizza, onion rings, and beer.

Ruth Anne Adams said...

Trooper: And don't forget the hair extensions!

Norman Rogers said...

I actually carried a "purse" for a while when I had one of the early versions of the cellular telephone. It was pretty heavy and wouldn't fit in a pocket. Does anyone remember those things? They were like bricks and would shatter easily when dropped.

I went and bought a "man purse" in a shop in Lausanne, Switzerland when I was traveling there. The Europeans have always been a little more advanced and classy than we have been, you know. I don't know if it's that Lake Geneva weather, but as soon as I had mine I felt so much better. My hands were free, my belongings were out of my pockets and I felt reborn.

My "man purse" was real leather and had a strap that went over the shoulder, but I put it on over my head so that it would look like I was carrying a satchel.

See, that's how a man can get away with having a purse--it's a satchel, like what they wear in the war, and NOT a purse.

Henry said...

Norman Rogers said, I actually carried a "purse" for a while when I had one of the early versions of the cellular telephone. It was pretty heavy and wouldn't fit in a pocket. Does anyone remember those things?

My brother-in-law had one of those things. At the time he was into the extreme baggy pants look, so he always had enormous pockets to handle it.

If you want pockets, change your fashion.

Windbag said...

I don't even carry a wallet.

Palladian said...

The human body needs animal proteins. You'd do much better carrying sausages around. In your purse.

George said...

"You win a few, you lose a few. Some get rained out. But you got to dress for all of them."

Leroy "Satchel" Paige

Original Mike said...

"For those of you who carry just a wallet, how the heck do you do it?"

I assume you're asking your female readers, right? Most males would have a counter question, why do you need all that crap?

Chip Ahoy said...

I saw that link at Helen's, clicked on it because I wanted to see the wallet she liked and got the dreaded rotating beach ball of death. Something's wrong. That made me decide to restart, so now I'm against clicking on the wallet link.

Just work out this wallet thing yourselves. I did. I just bought one from eBay, Land of the Full Wallet Array, in which I'm well pleased. It's a bit larger than the one it replaced but that's OK. It has a separate pull-out thing that holds a driver's license, registration and proof of insurance. I've used that splendid little innovation twice already.

Decided to start using the main Public Library, since it's only a block away. It's awesome in there. I almost bought a book reflexively on Amazon for $130.00, but the DPL is getting it for me to look at for free. Imagine that! They'll email me when it gets there. Brilliant! Anyway, there's lots of people bustling about with all kinds of bags. Backpacks mostly but the best one looked similar to a laptop case. It occurred to me that would be handy for a camera and its lenses, cell phone, reading and sun glasses, lip balm, and whatever else needed at the moment, like possibly a wrist rocket.

For awhile there was a spat of purse snatching incidents. I wouldn't recommend a thin strap for an everyday knockabout.

Pardon me, Sir Ron Paul is presently pontificating Bernakke in the form of a series of questions. It's nearly interesting and I must now pay attention.

Hoosier Daddy said...

Most males would have a counter question, why do you need all that crap?

No kidding. My mother's purse is like that. Remember Let's Make a Deal? Monty Hall would say, I'll give you $100 if you have a bag of horseshit in your purse.

My mom would have bankrupted that show.

Just Me said...

For decades, I was queen of the teeny-tiny purse. My smallest "every day" model was roughly 6x4x2 with a long, skinny strap. My "partying" model was maybe three inches square and one inch deep, and it was barely big enough to hold some cash and my ID.

Today my purse is cavernous and full of kiddie clutter (crayons, action figures, fruit snacks, etc.).

As soon as they're old enough to keep track of their own junk, I will gleefully switch back to a tiny purse or move into a wallet. I like having my hands free, and I hate having that blasted bag sliding off my shoulder to my elbow whenever its most inconvenient.

Clunky mobile phones! Somewhere in a closet lurks our old Nokia bag phone and the Motorola flip phone that replaced it. Think I could sell them on eBay?

rhhardin said...

Somebody explain lipstick.

(Recent news clip on cutting room floor : coiffed reporterette asks man on the street if the econony is bad; he says not as long as women are buying cosmetics.)

gophermomeh said...

I'm totally with you on the purse thing. I actually try to avoid carrying it with me, if at all possible. Planning ahead for all that I truly, truly need, for any given trip is my usual m.o. Will cash suffice? Credit card? ID, of some kind? Readers? Most times I can utilize pockets, but sometimes, it just can't be done.

You know, I'm just not a purse kind of gal. Most times, I just leave it in the trunk...

rhhardin said...

Will Dr Helen ask if she needs all those shoes, is the next question.

I'd then sense a pattern in Freudian symbols.

Trooper York said...

When her purse gets to heavy for her to carry, she should just get the Instapundit to lug it. That's what my wife does. When we went to the Louis Vuitton store, she told the sales guy that she wanted to see how she looked carrying some giant handbag she was buying. I took it from her and said it was more important to see how I looked since I would be lugging the freakin' thing.

matthew said...

Women's pants, for the most part, just are not designed to carry a wallet. 'Decent' pockets in women's pants are still smaller than the average men's pants pockets.

While you may rather carry a purse, the best option is to buy men's pants if you want to only carry only a wallet and a few odds and ends.

Original Mike said...

Trooper - My girlfriend doesn't give me her purse to carry, but she often avoids carrying the purse by giving me stuff to carry in my pockets. I'm not fond of this, since it slows me down (you never know when you'll need to jump in front of a bullet), but what's a guy to do?

Hoosier Daddy said...

Women's pants, for the most part, just are not designed to carry a wallet. 'Decent' pockets in women's pants are still smaller than the average men's pants pockets.

You know, that's an excellent point. I don't want anything to distract from the view of a nice tush. A bulging wallet on the right cheek is a major turnoff.

Trooper York said...

Well Original Mike, once you find out how much one of those freakin'
Louis Vuitton's cost, you will never let it out of your sight. Trust me, carrying it is no big deal.

Original Mike said...

...you will never let it out of your sight.

And, you could always use that Louis Vuitton bag to stop the bullet.

Trooper York said...

It would stop a cruise missile.

Ann Althouse said...

Chip, a thin strap isn't necessarily weak. It could be reinforced with a metal cable, for example. At some point, however, you want the strap to break... a purse-snatcher could be on a motorcycle, for example.

dbp said...

Trooper, my wife has given-up on getting me to hold her purse.

Here is my technique: When she tries to hand it to me, I look her in the eye and keep my arms by my side.

Trooper York said...

dbp, I don't really care about carrying the purse, it's no big deal, I just don't want it to be put down in the wrong place and disappear. Like I said, that sucker costs more than a new Chinese baby.

Original Mike said...

As opposed to a used Chinese baby?

dbp said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dbp said...

Just a technique you can use when she is slumming with a cheap handbag. Of course this will just encourage her to only carry expensive ones...

Trooper York said...

Used Chinese babys are pretty cheap on e-bay.

Middle Class Guy said...

Original Mike said...
I'm not fond of this, since it slows me down (you never know when you'll need to jump in front of a bullet), but what's a guy to do?

Yeah, it would be hard to explain the lipstick, make up and other feminine accoutrements in your pockets when you hit the emergency room.

Smilin' Jack said...

Even little girls know that the most ergonomically efficient way to carry stuff is in a backpack. But they seem to lose this knowledge in the general mental regression that accompanies puberty. So we constantly observe the spectacle of grown women walking down the sidewalk, purse flopping from one hand, water bottle in the other, getting that deer-in-the-headlights look when their cellphone rings.

BJK said...

Comparing early photos to current ones, I don't think it's accurate to say Posh Spice has an "approach" to food.

...I'm pretty sure that food has to sneak up behind her.

bill said...

Since the responses aren't much more then men telling women how they should dress, here's mine: catholic school girl outfit accessorized with suspenders.

Also, if a woman can't be dropped off in the middle of a strange town and make her way home with just a compact containing only a driver's license and a tube of lipstick, I think her female bona fides may be called into question.

Beth said...

For school, I use a good reinforced backpack designed to protect my laptop. I can distribute my "stuff" around it: wallet in a zipped pocket; office keys and my celly in the little mesh pocket on the side.

Otherwise, I keep my wallet in one front pocket, celly in the other. I keep only my car key on a ring and leave my house keys in the car, so that's kept to a minimum. Summer means shorts, and I like cargo shorts, with big pockets on the sides that sort of disappear into the bagginess of the legs.

My wallet is minimalistic: the Jimi. Until I started using this one, I had to have a separate bag, and I preferred something really small, just big enough for the wallet, checkbook (that's what changed! Debit cards!), keys and phone.

Beth said...

Helen's wrong. No woman designs, nor wants, those weird clothes with faux pockets -- what the hell is up with that? They sew on a little piece of material to look like the fold of a pocket but don't jam your hand in, you'll just bruise your knuckles on a seam.

Original Mike said...

Since the responses aren't much more then men telling women how they should dress

To be fair, Ann did ask. And the only answer to her question is: don't carry much stuff.

nansealinks said...

I carry sacajawea and susan anthony dollars in my butt crack. however they stopped taking them at the dollar menu cause i squeezed the imprinting off of them.

I have a little capsule for an ob tampon that i use as a necklace pendant or earrings

John A said...

rhhardin said...
Somebody explain lipstick.

If more women knew... OK, some lip balm was probably basic to upper-class Egyptian/Assyrian people to protect against drying-out.

But lipstick as such, most particularly red, was actually first widespread as an advertisement of availability for a certain practice by lower-class women of easy virtue.

Heh, it has been almost fifty years since my 11th-grade teacher was horrified by my proposed term paper about prostitution, during research for which I came upon that factoid.

Freeman Hunt said...

It's not just that women's clothes don't have great pockets, it's that women's bodies aren't as conducive to good pockets. The back pockets lie on a rounded surface, and this can cause an item in the pocket to work its way out of the pocket by the end of the day. Front and back pockets work for a trip into the store when you'll only be standing, but if you're going to be up and down, they're uncomfortable to use. The only pockets I find particularly useful in all situations are the side pockets by my knees on my flared women's cargo pants.

Freeman Hunt said...

There's also some truth to the women being slaves to fashion. If you're going to go to the trouble of staying svelte, you don't want to crap up the whole silhouette with a bunch of bulky things packed on your hips and butt. Given that, it really does come down to traveling super light or getting a small purse.

titusruntippiruntippi said...

I don't carry a wallet. Just my license and bank card.

A wallet can distract from the hog in the jeans and the hog should always be the focus in the jeans-as well as the ass.

titusruntippiruntippi said...

On my cross country road trip I will be traveling to Knoxville.

Hopefully, I will run into Dr. Helen and she can make me straight through therapy. That women is a true magician.

Trooper York said...

“They were willingly and weakly standing there discussing the women's products. They were placidly accepting their diminished existence. That's how I saw it anyway.”

It doesn’t diminish your existance to be with your wife when she is doing something she really enjoys. Sephora is definitely a chick hangout and you should let your lady rampage. She can do the same for you at the hardware store. Marriage is a compromise. You can always keep your self respect with a little subversive humor. When the androgynous sales clerk asks if you found everything that you needed, just state in a very emotional manner that you just couldn’t find the Old Spice. Often they don’t know what you are talking about. One little french crumpet said “Old Spice, what is this Old Spice?” Her partner who was all of 17 said “Oh that’s what my dad wears.” I would say “So is your dad home now in his easy chair drinking a beer and watching the game.” “Yes I would think so.” “Lucky bastard.”

Then my wife would smack me off the back of the head, I would pay and we could go to the shoe store.

bearbee said...

Daytime or Evening

former law student said...

trooper york is 100% right. Married couples accept their partners' enthusiasms. If I want to go to a boat, RV, DIY, or fishing show, I appreciate when my wife comes along. We will go to a nice place for lunch as a partial inducement. Getting all pouty and whiny at being dragged to each others' events would suck the enjoyment right out of them.

Further, men do have an interest in makeup insofar as they want a hot-looking wife.

titusruntippiruntippi said...

My dad, who is a man's man and loves hunting and fishing and snowmobiling and sports goes with my mom to Art Fairs all the time.

He actually likes Art Fairs now.

Trooper York said...

It's just one of the things you do for love.

titusruntippiruntippi said...

And my mom goes to auctions with my dad. He loves to buy tools at auctions.

I actually like to go to Wisconsin auctions with them.

There is always one hottie farmer guy at the auction with his shirt off that I would like to do in the port a potty.

Windbag said...

Trooper,

You mean like walking in the rain and the snow when there's nowhere to go?

Trooper York said...

Well you just have to look her in the eyes for the answer.

lurker2209 said...

Advice from a girl who just carries around a wallet.

1. Wear clothes with pockets. While difficult, it's a bit easier if you can dress more casually. Also it's not too hard to do in the winter; coats especially have nice large pockets. Even in the summer, I usually carry a lightweight jacket because inevitably they crank the A/C too high. If the pockets zip or button shut, you can carry the jacket over you arm without everything falling out.

2. Don't carry cash. Do you really need it? I mean, here in Seattle, even the parking meters take debit/credit. If I have to have cash, I fold a bill to two up and stick it between my debit card and my insurance card. Plus, if you don't use cash, you don't have to carry change. If you spend that folded up bill on a latte, just put the change in the tip jar.

3. Get a slim, flat phone (or PDA, blackberry, iphone etc). In a pinch, when you're just wearing jeans and a tank top, it can go in one back pocket and the wallet can go in another. Store the addresses in the phone and ditch the address book.

4. Get a carabiner hook. Put it on your keys and carry them around on a beltloop. Admittedly, this is easier to pull off if you are a 20-something grad student than if you are an over forty law professor. Or split up your keys. Just carry around the essentials: house, car, office. Leave the rest in a drawer at work or home depending on what they are for. (And if you really need the pepper spray, you can get a little one that hangs on your key ring. Probably easier to actually use than having to hunt through a giant bag while fending off that attacker!)

5. Buy two of things. Think about where you go. From home to the office and back? So keep an a little bag in your desk at work with lipstick, mascara, burt's bees, hand lotion, etc. If you're a real estate agent or a stay at home mom or something where you're driving around all day, keep a set in your car. This does work best if you avoid the urge to constantly experiment with makeup. Find the two colors of lipstick that suit you best for everyday and save the rest for special occasions.

6. Have a landing strip. Carrying a purse means everything is already in one place, so you have to make sure everything from your pockets doesn't get scattered all over the house. You don't want to be dashing around in the morning grabbing your cell out of your jacket pocket in the closet and your wallet from the pants you wore yesterday that are now buried in the laundry hamper. Once you walk in the door, empty your pockets.


Carrying just a wallet works best for me on weekdays. I know my routine, so I know I'll have everything I need. On the weekends, I sometimes still carry a purse. Because I'm dressed up and formal clothes have fewer useful pockets, or because I want to carry around the flashier lipstick, or don't want the jangle of keys on my belt loop.

Windbag said...

titus,

Make sure to visit Dollywood when you're tripping across Tennessee (it's just east of Knoxville). Eat at Aunt Granny's buffet, get a funnel cake with strawberries and whipped cream, and especially be sure to ride Thunderhead. If you really want to feel like one of the locals, wear lots of Tennessee Volunteer orange.

Jim said...

Sometimes men accept a placid and diminished existence now to have a shot at something less palcid and undiminished later. Happens all the time.

former law student said...

You think you're gonna break up;
Then she says she wants to make up

Sofa King said...

When her purse gets to heavy for her to carry, she should just get the Instapundit to lug it. That's what my wife does.

Fantastic arragement! My only question is, how do you get Mr. Reynolds to follow you around everywhere?

Trooper York said...

You need to be a hot smokin' piece of bacala like Dr Helen.

gophermomeh said...

lurker - I'm with you on all counts. I know what need for where I'm going and just take that, if I can. The only difference I see between us is that I've got readers to haul around (my husband got me a librian's chain for that-lovely) and the only make-up I carry is some Carmex.

ricpic said...

This is one area where it pays to be a lesbian. I see those gals walking around in cargo pants with big flap side and back pockets all the time. Doesn't seem to slow down their love life.

George said...

The sales women at cosmetics counters are incredibly well trained— Very smooth.... "Would you like the large size?"..."Would you like the set?"...."How about this also for your wife?"...and on and on.

Product margins must be incredible, too

Oh, and, uh, the Clinique M Shave Aloe Gel For Men is great. Comes in gun-metal grey. Not that I've ever bought it or anything.

What they need is Bonus Days for Men...give away free pocket knives and stuff.

MadisonMan said...

Don't carry cash. Do you really need it? I mean, here in Seattle, even the parking meters take debit/credit. If I have to have cash, I fold a bill to two up and stick it between my debit card and my insurance card. Plus, if you don't use cash, you don't have to carry change. If you spend that folded up bill on a latte, just put the change in the tip jar.

I actually prefer buying things with cash. Most of the stores I walk to are locally owned, and I'm sure they appreciate not having to fork over to Visa a percentage of the sale just 'cause I want to keep my butt silhouette suitably rounded. I do that by keeping my bulging wallet in an inside coat pocket.

My wife has one of those purses -- it's fairly small -- that is worn backpack style. Works for her.

And I protest against automatically tipping barristas! For what? Doing their job? It's not like they've done anything exceptional.

rhhardin said...

I'm looking for deodorant with aluminum chlorhydrate. They seem to have dropped it since 1989 when I bought a closeout box of Gillette ClearGel at Kroger.

The stuff is magic. The tiniest amount is all you need.

Probably it's implicated in something and is now no more available than the active ingredient in Dexatrim, the weight loss pill abused by teenaged girls and antidote for incontinence in female dogs.

Does lipstick similarly get banned when you find one that works?

Dust Bunny Queen said...

No way could I get by without a purse. I carry and use on a daily basis all of the following.

HP12C calculator, business card case, pens, pencils, small notebook with a section for filing receipts. Lip gloss, tic tacs

Two sets of keys. One for work to open the two locks on my office door and for all the locking file cabinets (required by the NASD) and for the 3 post office boxes that I have. And one for personal use (car keys for 3 vehicles and a tractor in case I need to move it in the yard, house and shop keys. Probably about 1 pound of keys.

2 pairs of glasses. Driving and computer use, plus a cleaning kit for the glasses.

Wallet with driver's license and credit cards and a couple of checks. I use cash to tip waitresses so they don't have to report the income :-) or if I want to buy a soda or something small. I don't bother with a cell phone since there isn't much reception here anyway. I get all my phone messages at the office or at home.

Pockets don't even exist in the clothing I wear for work except possibly in some trousers.

Trooper is right. Enjoying or at least trying to enjoy the activities of your spouse is important in a good marriage. My hubby likes to go antique shopping right along with me and even collects some things for himself, Iris wear and other types of depression era pressd glass. He was thrilled to find an ice tea pitcher to complete his set. I'm more than willing to go to hardware, heavy equipment and hot rod shows with him and am looking forward to our next project car. Compromise is part of being in a good marriage.

Middle Class Guy said...

Ann Althouse said...
Chip, a thin strap isn't necessarily weak...


Some years back, I rolled up on a purse snatching. The guy was literally dragging the woman down the street as she held on to that little designer bag for dear life. The strap wasn't only thin, it was almost string like.

reader_iam said...

Well, I must be the freak.

With just a couple of exceptions (such as vacations and trips, maybe, or certain specialty/gadget or art shops), I don't especially want my husband to accompany me when I go shopping, to carry my purse or whatever. In fact, when we first got together, it absolutely floored me that I would mention I needed or wanted to pick something up and he would grab his keys and say, "OK, sure! Let's go!" Maybe I lived alone too long, or maybe I started shopping by myself (including for groceries for my family of origin) at such an early age, but in any case, this just seemed weird to me. (Once I got to know my future in-laws, it made more sense ... but still felt weird to me.)

Now, I will on occasion ask him to schlep my computer(etc.) backpack, especially if I'm also taking a full camera/videocamera bag, or carrying a casserole or soup, or need an extra hand free to grab my son or something. But for the most part, I like to schlep myself around, bag (or bags) and all.

As to the original subject of the post: They're not fancy, but I bought a couple of Clarks small purse/organizers last summer, and they have been great! Though they're not fancy or trendy, they have been a terrific compromise between just wallet and actual purse. I could not find a picture of one on the internet today, though I tried, which probably means I should have bought them in two more colors, in addition to the brown one and the black one I purchased. Drat!

Treefrog said...

When I go jogging, I sometimes wear this garter purse for my ID, credit card, and some cash: http://bisadora.com/garterpurse1.html

I also bought this hip purse, because I liked the idea of it, but haven't used it ever: http://bisadora.com/bico.html

Treefrog said...

(By the way, I wear the garter purse doubled up just above my ankle, under loose pants.

When I go out and wear a skirt or dress, I wear the garter purse at the thigh level.)

Trooper York said...

Well reader, I guess that some of us are just uxorious to the max. Our honey babies need to be doted on and cosseted. We can escape to the Raccoon Lodge with Norton now and again and we like to yell and bluster but you know that we think our babies are the greatest!

David said...

Anything that doesn't fit in my wallet, I ask my wife to carry in her purse.

Windbag said...

Things a married guy will do for his wife that a single guy will never understand:

1. carry her purse

2. buy tampons

3. carry the diaper bag

4. vacuum

5. put down Sports Illustrated and look at her while she's talking

6. Watch "The Notebook"

lurker2209 said...

Treefrog--

Garter purse sounds useful. I've been known to go jogging with a house key and my ipod nano tucked into my sports bra.

Trooper York said...

7.Watch home shopping instead of
wrestling

8.Eat a salad instead of a pizza
and four hot dogs.

9.Rub her feet with ointment.

10.Be nice to her mother and
assorted idiot relatives.

11.Put the seat back down.

Windbag said...

12. sit down, so there's never a reason to raise it in the first place.

Trooper York said...

Ever try to do that first thing in the morning. It's like trying to get umbrella spokes under the little silver rimmie thing at the top of the umbrella, when all they want to do is pop out; sometimes things have a mind of their own.

George said...

Professor--

This is funny as all get out...

"But I must say, I was in Sephora the other day (to spend $22 for lip balm — "sweet and tart blackcurrant oil cushions the lips with plumping fatty acids"), and the women were in some crazy dream world. One woman raves to another that this cosmetics line is all natural, and the other oohs with excitement and surprise. But some women had in fact dragged men along with them, and way these men looked made me want to slap them back to consciousness and shout at them to get the hell out of there. I'm not saying that men must be very masculine or that there's something wrong with a man who actually wants to go into Sephora and buy something. (They have plenty of men's products, and beautiful salesladies will eagerly help you select great gifts for women.) But these particular men looked as though they had atrophied into mere appendages of women. They were willingly and weakly standing there discussing the women's products. They were placidly accepting their diminished existence. That's how I saw it anyway."

Cracks me up.

rishigajria said...

A buddy of mine knitted his own wallet and put it on a rope around his neck. Very Convenient. In India, especially in the larger cities, clothes are stitched with secret pockets. Maybe they should do that here too.

former law student said...

Ever try to do that first thing in the morning. It's like trying to get umbrella spokes under the little silver rimmie thing at the top of the umbrella, when all they want to do is pop out; sometimes things have a mind of their own.

Tru dat. But you could always get one of those commercial seats with the big cutout in the front.

You can tell if the lady of the house hates men, if she's covered both seat and lid with thick terry cloth so that the thing wants to slam down on your unit, requiring you to hold the lid up with one hand, causing unneeded stress.

Middle Class Guy said...

fls said...
You can tell if the lady of the house hates men, if she's covered both seat and lid with thick terry cloth so that the thing wants to slam down on your unit, requiring you to hold the lid up with one hand, causing unneeded stress.



And severe problems with your aim.

Christy said...

After a decade of carrying a small purse, and sometimes just going with a passport/ticket carrier hung around my neck, I've gone back to carrying a big bag. How can I pretend to be MacGiver girl if I don't even carry a Swiss army knife? What Hitchhiker would be without her towel?

blake said...

A bulging wallet on the right cheek is a major turnoff.

Depends on what you're looking for, Hoosier.

6. Have a landing strip.

Grand champion, hall-of-famer, "Most Disappointing Link Category".

Stephen said...

"But these particular men looked as though they had atrophied into mere appendages of women. They were willingly and weakly standing there discussing the women's products. They were placidly accepting their diminished existence."

Ann is channeling Eliot (and I don't mean Spitzer).

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Trooper York said...

What Hitchhiker would be without her towel?

I don't know, every movie I ever saw they had a big knife or an axe or maybe a chainsaw. Towel, not so
much.

Meade said...

Things a married guy will do for his wife that a single guy will never understand:

1. carry her purse

2. buy tampons

3. carry the diaper bag

4. vacuum

5. put down Sports Illustrated and look at her while she's talking

6. Watch "The Notebook"

7.Watch home shopping instead of
wrestling

8.Eat a salad instead of a pizza
and four hot dogs.

9.Rub her feet with ointment.

10.Be nice to her mother and
assorted idiot relatives.

11.Put the seat back down.

12. sit down, so there's never a reason to raise it in the first place.


A single guy will never understand? Yeah?

I'm not sure you married guys understand just how completely we single guys do, in fact, understand.

Key word: "stand."

amba said...

I was thinking about why it is that so many women feel naked or sort of amputated if they don't have their purse (I do: I'll suddenly go "Where is it? Where is it??"), and (kick me if I've said this before) it suddenly struck me that women were the gatherers and carried pouches ever since we became human enough to make things -- at least hundreds of thousands of years. A pouch slung over your shoulder almost is part of a woman's body, so deep must that configuration go in our collective memory.

So then do men feel that way about some kind of projectile or projectile thrower, whether it's a spear, bow, atlatl, or a gun?

Nichevo said...

Ann, my gransmother, God rest her soul, favored men's wallets. I have a couple of hers, in pristine condition as was everything she ever owned. Let me know if you would like to try one.

OTOH, I agree with someone that it might spoil the line of your...cheek, which would be just too bad. Grandma, a lifelong Nanticoke resident BTW, used a purse, of course.

As an alternative, you could follow the men's model further, and keep a card case in one front pocket and a money clip in the other (or a case/clip combo).

Card cases:

http://www.coach.com/content/thumbnail.aspx?category_id=1303

Money clips:

http://www.coach.com/content/product.aspx?product_no=8642&category_id=200
WATER BUFFALO MONEY CLIP $--

http://www.coach.com/content/product.aspx?product_no=9303&category_id=200
New EXOTIC MONEY CLIP $---

or

http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/CategoryBrowse.aspx?cid=288142&mcat=148208

or for the technofunky/functional

http://www.countycomm.com/moneyclip.htm
Ti Moneyclip

(obviously I favor Coach but it takes all kinds...the Tiffany clips are v. nice too).

Ralph said...

Desmond Morris says that lipstick (and blush) imitates the sex flush before orgasm...and her other lips.

I'm turning into my father: wearing a hat to keep the sun out of my eyes, and a jacket just for the extra pockets (I've never used the back pants pockets--butt's too boney).

Christy said...

Trooper York, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy reference.

Jennifer said...

I will never understand this point of view. Appreciating form as well as function does not a slave make. What is so wrong with preferring a nice silhouette to the absolute most efficient transportation of your belongings? Actually, if we must be so dramatic with our language, I think I'd rather be a slave to fashion, than a slave to convenience.

I love Sephora. I hear the angels singing when I walk in the door. I have been in more Sephora's in more states than I can count. But, I don't believe my husband has ever set foot in a Sephora.

bearbee said...

5. put down Sports Illustrated and look at her while she's talking

Funniest line.

Ann Althouse said...

The ancient Egyptian royalty wore a lot of makeup including lipstick. I'm not buying the argument that lipstick started with prostitutes and nonprostitutes adopted it only recently. Elizabeth I wore lipstick. So did the Japanese women centuries back. Please study the history of makeup more deeply.

Trooper York said...

Christy, I was snapping a towel at you.

Ralph said...

But, I don't believe my husband has ever set foot in a Sephora.
He's never entered a department store from the mall?

Jennifer said...

Ralph - Sephora is not a department store. Sephora is a makeup store. Some JC Penney's have little Sephora's in them, so maybe that's what you're talking about...? But, no he has never set foot in a Sephora.

Ralph said...

Jennifer, the fancier department stores I know all have the smelly stuff near the mall entrance to entice the ladies. Never fails to clog my sinuses.
When did "sephora" become trendy? I noticed it on the Penney's ads a few month ago, so it's probably passe in NY by now.

Ralph said...

Oh, it's the name of the store! Doh!

Dust Bunny Queen said...

When I'm on vacation or just antique shopping, I carry a leather wallet on a long strap that I can wear sling style. It has a hard eyeglass case on the outside so I can switch from my driving outdoor glasses to my close up reading, countthe angels on the head of a pin, glasses. Inside the zipped up area: my credit card, ATM debit card, driver's license, AAA card, room key card, cash, lip gloss in the coin sections, a pen and small note pad. I have a jeweler's loupe and small tape measure hooked to the outside. It's about 7x3x3. I don't use a cell phone at all so that's not an issue.

BUT.....for work and everyday I have to carry a lot of stuff!! HP 12c calculator, pens, pencils, highlighter pen, business card case, glasses case and cleaner, notebook and small day-planner combined. Small bag for makeup touch ups. Wallet with all the stuff in the first paragraph and more. Tape measure. Camera inside the purse now instead of attached to my wrist or pocket. Extra bag for laptop and larger notebook with disc case, charger etc.

To me a purse is a piece of luggage and not a fashion accessory. I buy one and use it until it wears out and in a few years buy another. I could care less if it matches anything I'm wearing as long as it functions and doesn't fall over when I set it down.