"I was a little bitch. I just complained about everything."

Said Nick Reiner, questioned by Howard Stern about why he had written a script portraying his father as an asshole.

"What was the biggest complaint?" Stern wanted to know. The son could not itemize, in fact, he couldn't even stand by the assertion, in his movie script, that his father was an asshole. He took the blame onto himself: "I was a little bitch. I just complained about everything."

Howard keeps trying: "But was he not there enough for you, in your opinion?" Nick answers with exasperation: "No, he was there." 

Howard restates the question, as something of a joke: "He should have not been there?" Robin echoes: "He was there too much." Howard: "Yeah, big pain in the ass."

And the conversation moves on to the next topic. I can't find the full episode, but there is this contemporaneous (2016) written recap at Stern's website. I was interested in Rob Reiner's rejection of medical professionals and embrace of the idea that the parent know what is best for his child:

"Mike White is headed to Colombia. Will #TheWhiteLotus follow him there for Season 4?"

The Howard Stern Show writes on Instagram:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Howard Stern Show (@sternshow)

 

That had me looking for a 4 Seasons hotel in Colombia, and here it is, the Casa Medina in Bogotá. Would that make a good location from Season 4? I checked out some of the rooms and found this:

"You might as well pay someone to come to your house every day and kick you in the nuts if that's what you're into," says Howard Stern to Mike White.

Mike White — the writer and director of "White Lotus" — talked with Stern for over an hour and revealed — over and over — that he allows the least criticism of the show to overshadow all the praise and success and make him feel terrible! Stern told him — more than once — not to look at the criticism. 

At the end of the hour, White said, "Thanks for the advice and and and I want I want I'm stop I'm just gonna stop get that get off that Google alert for a while."

He keeps a Google alert going to harass himself with whatever potshots people are taking at his show in any given moment!

Stern: "Google alert is is the devil! That's the devil! I used to be on that Google alert... Forget Google! You might as well pay someone to come to your house every day and kick you in the nuts if that's what you're into."

Go to 25:30 in the linked audio of the show if you want to hear White stammer through his anxiety about any criticism. Sample verbiage:

"Glaser... was still questioning the point of view of a few jokes. She was still going back and forth about the sexual jokes..."

"... counting the number of references to her being horny, feeling there were too many, but now thinking she’s good at them, so it’s the right number. And the 'Wicked' jokes were still fluid. Glaser was adding to things to obsess over. 'Do we have too many jokes about pedophiles?' she wondered. This wasn’t exactly the panic attack she had predicted. But Glaser said she had performed the jokes at clubs so often (91 times before the ceremony) that she could no longer tell if they were funny. How could she? She knew every surprise coming. She likened her relationship with her material to a marriage where she’s not gaga anymore. The jokes have been reliable, sure, but a political one that always kills recently bombed. That rattled her. 'Maybe it bums people out,' she said, sounding confused...."

From "Nikki Glaser Wants to Kill as Host of the Globes. Is She Overthinking It?/ To refine her monologue for Sunday’s show, she relied on two writers’ rooms and 91 test runs. Then came the fickle audiences and a crisis of confidence" (NYT).

Should a standup comedian reveal the inner workings like this? It can't make anything funnier for us, the audience. Eh, but who watches the Golden Globes? I used to, but now, I don't even know how to watch them. And I don't think I've even gone to the movies all year (other than to see that one documentary).

The political joke that always kills recently bombed — hmm. Wonder who that was about?

Do we have too many jokes about pedophiles? Are we suppose to experience that question as funny?

ADDED: I have one other post with the tag "Nikki Glaser," and it may shed some light on what sort of joke she might make about sex criminals. From March 28, 2022:

"[Howard] Stern predicted that the Republican whom [Kamala] Harris has pledged to place in her cabinet would end up being Liz Cheney..."

"... the former Wyoming congresswoman who last week appeared at a campaign rally with her in Wisconsin. Ms. Harris would not take the bait. 'I gotta win, Howard,' she said. 'I gotta win. I gotta win. And listen, but the thing about Liz Cheney, let me just say, she’s remarkable.'"

From "13 Things We Learned From Harris’s Interview With Howard Stern/In a lengthy sit-down, the veteran radio host extracted an array of new details about Kamala Harris’s life" (NYT).

What were the other 12 things? Let's just say that I chose not to use one of the 10 free links the has NYT empowered me to give to you in the month of October... and that one of the things is she eats Raisin Bran and Special K for breakfast.

"After mostly avoiding interviews as her campaign began, the vice president will hold several this week, including with Howard Stern, Stephen Colbert and the hosts of 'The View.'"

A funny subheadline at the NYT — funny because if she's just going on Howard Stern, Stephen Colbert and "The View," Harris is still avoiding interviews. That those are the 3 interviews the NYT names makes it obvious.

The headline is "Harris Will Appear in a Whirlwind of Interviews, Most of Them Friendly."

Most of them? Who's the unfriendly interviewer she dares to face? I am really appalled by the timidity. She needs to prove she's strong and can stand up for us. 

I noticed that article because I went looking for Kamala Harris articles on the front page of the New York Times. You'd think she'd make more news!

There's also this Susan Faludi thing at the top of the right hand column, sitting atop a musing about celibacy:

So let's stare slack-jawed and cross-eyed at a rose. Mmmm. America's protector, eh?

Yeah, that kind of was my question about Kamala Harris when I saw that she dared to speak to Howard Stern, Stephen Colbert and the hosts of "The View."

So let's see if Susan Faludi makes the case for KH as a protector. Much of that column is generic: Women have not, traditionally, been regarded as the protector. Some of it is an attack on Trump. Let's skip to something specific about Harris:

Howard Stern pays tribute to Richard Simmons.

"Biden, asked if he’s planning to debate Trump, says 'I am happy to'" — asked by Howard Stern.

The NYT reports.

Mr. Biden’s announcement, made in response to a question from the radio host Howard Stern, comes after pressure from television networks and Mr. Trump’s campaign for the president to agree to participate in debates.

Hey, I'm surprised he submitted to an interview... and irked and amused that the interviewer his people chose was Howard Stern. 

When Mr. Stern asked Mr. Biden if he would debate Mr. Trump, the president replied: “I am, somewhere, I don’t know when, but I am happy to debate him.”

That should be his motto: "I am, somewhere, I don’t know when, but I am happy." 

Mr. Biden’s remarks appeared to be off the cuff, rather than a planned announcement of a shift in his campaign’s strategy, according to a top Democratic official familiar with its thinking...

Oh? Let's see how they weasel out of it. It was a gaffe, right? Somehow it will be impossible to get the conditions right. 

"Am I for kids being able to read about anything in school? Yeah, I am. I don’t give a shit what kids read."

Said Howard Stern, quoted in "Howard Stern Tells Off Critics Who Say He’s ‘Woke’/Now: I’m Anti-Trump, Pro-Vaccine and Support Transgender People… ‘I Am Woke, Motherf—er’" (Variety).

Does he have "woke" right? Not "giving a shit" about what kids read?

He also said "I support people who want to be transgender." Isn't that ideologically incorrect? Aren't you supposed to manifest a belief that people are transgender and not that people just "want to be transgender"?

Let's compare Howard Stern to Russell Brand. Both were, in the past, something some people might call sexist pigs. Whatever, it's arguable. And both have restyled themselves either to keep up with the times or because they've gotten older and matured or declined. You can speculate. But Stern is appealing to the left while Brand is appealing to the right. More or less. And Brand is the one experiencing retaliation while Stern seems to be protecting himself.

Anyway, searching the 2 names together, I came up with this old interview (perhaps from 2017). Watch it while you can, and don't miss the random reference to the Roman Empire (within the first 2 minutes):

"So now the Bud-lash is a whole thing, as is the backlash to the Bud-lash."

Writes Emily Stewart (at Vox), voxsplaining the fuss over Dylan Mulvaney and Bud Light.

Radio personality Howard Stern said he’s “dumbfounded” at all the hullabaloo, wondering on air, with regard to Kid Rock and [Travis] Tritt, “Why do you care so much?” ...

Anheuser-Busch, which is getting a ton of earned media out of this, appears to largely be riding the wave.... 

"It is with great sadness after a long illness, that our beloved David (Croz) Crosby has passed away."

"He was lovingly surrounded by his wife and soulmate Jan and son Django. Although he is no longer here with us, his humanity and kind soul will continue to guide and inspire us. His legacy will continue to live on through his legendary music. Peace, love, and harmony to all who knew David and those he touched...." 

A statement from David Crosby's wife, sent to Variety.

I love David Crosby. The first rock concert I ever saw was The Byrds at Newark Symphony Hall in 1966.

Here he is talking about his health and about dying — to Howard Stern — just last year:

"I am at the end of my life, Howard.... People get old and die. And I'm gonna."

 This is from 1974 — somehow the most Crosby Crosby songs that comes into my mind:

Try some of my purple berries: 

"I'm on my feet all day long with the kittens and so many litter boxes you have to bend over."

"My husband says to me, 'You don't even have to do the five mile walk this morning. You were on your feet all day long with the foster kittens.' So yes, I guess I'm holding kittens and leaning over for litter boxes, scooping poop all day."

Said Howard Stern's wife Beth, quoted in a very puffy puff piece at Hamptons.com, where I clicked through to from "Fans outraged by Howard Stern’s summer off after $500M Sirius XM deal."

Imagine having that much wealth and spending your time so deeply involved in cat shit?

It made me think of this video I saw the other day of Curtis Sliwa, the GOP candidate for mayor of New York:

 

No one but the cat people can fathom the mysteries of the cat people.

"What do you think of Howard Stern’s painting?"

My son Chris asks, texting this:

Here’s my latest painting. pic.twitter.com/E4cUtf7Y1U

— Howard Stern (@HowardStern) June 28, 2021

 

ME: it doesn’t seem to express anything about him...
        just looks like a tediously copied photo...
        he’s such a special person. he should express himself! 

CHRIS: His paintings always seem like realistic paintings of flowers and stuff like that 

ME: maybe what he’s expressing is that he’s a big old dullard!
        maybe it’s a meditation or self-calming
        maybe he’s atoning for his shock-jockeying 

CHRIS: Yeah I think he does it as a hobby as a calming thing
        His show has changed a lot over the years

Chris also sends that kitty-cat-in-a-shoe painting below. That's a Howard Stern painting from last year. 

ME: it’s like he wants women to love him
        before he was overdoing his effort at appealing to men
        but where is the real howard stern?
        maybe inside he feels like nobody

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A post shared by Beth Stern (@bethostern)

"The reality TV ordeal of a Russian who joined a Chinese boy band show by accident – and made it to the final despite urging fans to vote him off – has finally ended..."

"... after nearly three months. Vladislav Ivanov, a 27-year-old from Vladivostok, was kicked out of the Produce Camp 2021 on Saturday after viewers ignored his pleas to leave and backed him all the way to the final. Ivanov, who speaks Mandarin, joined the show as a Chinese translator. But he said he was invited to sign up as a contestant after the directors noticed his good looks.... He appeared to regret his decision almost immediately but could not leave without breaching his contract. His lack of enthusiasm played out in half-hearted singing, rapping and dancing alongside the other, more eager contestants. 'Becoming a member of a boy band is not my dream as I can’t sing and dance,' Ivanov said in Chinese on the show.... 'I hope the judges won’t support me. While the others want to get an A, I want to get an F as it stands for freedom.'... 'Don’t love me, you’ll get no results,' he said on one episode. But viewers took to his dour persona and kept him in the running for nearly three months....  Ivanov appears to have struck a genuine chord as an anti-hero for Chinese audiences. Fans, some earnest and some ironic, called him 'the most miserable wage slave,' and celebrated him as an icon of 'Sang culture,' a popular concept among Chinese millennials referring to a defeatist attitude toward everyday life. 'Don’t let him quit,' one viewer commented on a video of a dejected-looking Ivanov performing a Russian rap. 'Sisters, vote for him! Let him 996!' another fan commented, using the Chinese slang for the gruelling work schedule that afflicts many young staff, especially in digital startups."

The Guardian reports.

I feel challenged to attempt to understand the Chinese through this story. What? Are they excited by the idea of forced work — titillated by slavery? Did they like it because he was not Chinese? Because he was Russian? Was his unhappiness — his "dour persona" — fun for them? 

Did they somehow think it was an act — a comic persona — and enjoy playing along? Was it like the way Americans, watching "American Idol" would target contestant who wasn't too good and keep voting for him? Why did we do that? The prank was called "Vote for the Worst." I wrote about it in 2007, when Howard Stern was openly promoting ruining the show by voting for the worst contestant. I actually liked this person, a sweet young man, Sanjaya Malakar, and I think many viewers voted for him because they genuinely liked him.

Can Joe Rogan retain his Joe Roganness when he's paid $100 million to put his show inside Spotify?

I don't know! He's got some brilliant kind of magic, and congratulations to him for making something that Spotify wanted to buy for that much money. But it's an ongoing show and it's got to be an immense challenge to keep it fresh and alive. But who knows? It could get better — like the way Howard Stern got better when he took the money and enclosed himself inside Sirius radio.

"The oddity in all of this is the people Trump despises most, love him the most."

"The people who are voting for Trump for the most part... he wouldn’t even let them in a fucking hotel. He’d be disgusted by them. Go to Mar-a-Lago, see if there’s any people who look like you. I’m talking to you in the audience.... I don’t hate Donald... I hate you for voting for him, for not having intelligence... I do think it would be extremely patriotic of Donald to say 'I’m in over my head and I don’t want to be president anymore.'... It’d be so patriotic that I’d hug him and then I’d go back to Mar-a-Lago and have a meal with him and feel good about him because it would be such an easy thing to do."

Said Howard Stern, quoted at CNN.

"Ew. That’s really the only way to describe the experience of reading 'All the President’s Women: Donald Trump and the Making of a Predator,' a deep dive into..."

"... the many allegations that depict Trump’s relationships with women as vulgar, misogynistic, demeaning, sometimes violent and always puerile. The accusations wash over a reader like a tidal wave of sewage until you are thoroughly caked in muck and light-headed from the stink."

So writes Robin Givhan in "A thorough, revolting history of Trump’s behavior toward women" (WaPo). It was interesting to read that right after immersing myself in the meaning of "human scum."

Are we in a new age of squeamishness? Or are we just pretending to be disgusted?

Givhan writes:

Somewhere between the descriptions of casual groping and the lengthy investigation of Trump’s possible involvement in a threesome with an underage girl, you long to scrub your memory bank with bleach, to douse yourself with disinfectant.

Do you? Personally, I am revolted by the idea of putting dangerous chemicals on my body. I'm never so disgusted with others that my impulse is to attempt to clean myself in some crazily exaggerated fashion.

Givhan goes on to say the book isn't shocking, because we've heard the main things before: "the affair with Karen McDougal, the sex with Stormy Daniels, the sexual intimidation of Ivana Trump, the gutter talk with Howard Stern, the ogling of half-dressed Miss Universe contestants, and the personal insults hurled at women ranging from Megyn Kelly and Rosie O’Donnell to former beauty queen Alicia Machado."

Gutter talk with Howard Stern. This is America in 2019? Disturbed by conversations with Howard Stern? I hope this is pretend offense. I've read Howard Stern's collection of interviews, which has lots of Trump, and it's lively and funny, and everything that's said is said for a reason. I wouldn't call it "gutter talk."

Givhan informs us that "All the President’s Women" has "a 70-page appendix filled with truncated tales of lascivious behavior — bonus nuggets of lechery." A fashion photographer calls Trump a "predator" because "He was always chasing models." The book says that in the presence of models, Trump "liked to paw their shoulders, cup their bottoms, grab at their breasts and plant sloppy kisses on them when they least expected it."

Paw, cup, grab, plant — How would your gestures of physical affection be described by your worst enemy? Every playful, tender move you make would be disgusting.

Givhan faults the book for collecting the stories but never analyzing why Trump is the way the stories, as told by the authors, make him look. What made him "a lecher"? Something about his childhood, his mother? Some "cultural forces"? "Was he created by some collision of generational, social and demographic storms? Is he a volatile result of a tectonic shift in gender roles?"

And what about us? What makes anybody want to read a compilation of all the scurrilous sexual material about Trump? What kind of result of a "collision of generational, social and demographic storms" are you?

"It bothers me to not be able to say the thing I want to say that they really agree with but because they're out in public, they have to be oh, we're good people, we can't laugh at that, or we have to groan to show that we're good people. That shit pisses me off."

Bill Maher said talking to Howard Stern:



Howard Stern gets to do his show without seeing or hearing the audience. Maher says he's jealous. Not only is Howard spared the inhibition of the phony "good people" in the audience, he has fantastically loyal fans and is able to say whatever he wants, and they never reject him.

I've clipped out the segment, but the whole interview is great, so scroll back to the beginning. Stern challenges Maher over why he doesn't have a marriage. There's also a nice section about Stern's hatred of travel. He likes home.

ADDED: Here's the travel part:



He has so much anxiety about packing (me too!), and he likes the comfort of his own studio (in his house). I've set up that clip so that it ends with Maher challenging him about not getting to be in front of an audience (the very point that is refuted in the bit at the end of the show that I put in my first clip).

"But I think I was a good dad. I wasn’t a great dad. The great dad... I can’t stand the great dad."

"They’re not even friends with you anymore. They’re so busy they don’t have time to get a cup of coffee. I can’t stand them. Go. Go be with your kid. Who gives a shit. So the great dads, they renounce their lives.... They bother me, the great dads."

Said Larry David, in one of the interviews in that Howard Stern book of interviews.

"The traveling, the air conditioning is so weird. You become like a lizard."

From Howard Stern's big book of interviews, a little insight into the travails of travel:

Howard: Then when this song becomes a hit, they send you out on tour, and that’s where you freak. You hated it.

Sia: Well, there were parts that I loved.

Howard: What’s the worst part of it? Is it just being in a hotel? Not being around your stuff?

Sia: It’s lonely. You have this family with you, this traveling family of wolverines that you create, and that’s not lonely. But if you’ve developed relationships outside of that, when you leave them it’s really hard to nourish them. I couldn’t ever maintain a love relationship. I don’t know. The traveling, the air conditioning is so weird. You become like a lizard.

The song mentioned above is "Breathe Me," which became a hit after it was used in the brilliant ending to the great finale episode of the TV show "Six Feet Under." Here's the official video for the song:



And here's that fantastic final sequence for "Six Feet Under":



When you travel, you're not 6 feet under, but the air conditioning is so weird and you do become like a lizard.